tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51439221864954392532024-02-07T15:04:32.534-08:00Montana Girls Meandering PathOn the path of self discovery. I've found myself 30, divorced, and very unhappy. I'm hoping with this blog I can share with my loved ones what I am going through in this journey, without judgement from them. This is my life, the only one I've got, and I'm determined to be happy.Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.comBlogger57125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-53479698991097296492013-06-06T19:42:00.000-07:002013-06-06T19:47:18.968-07:00Teetering in my self discovery....<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: serif; font-size: 22px; line-height: 26px;">“When you have a sense of your own identity and a vision of where you want to go in your life, you then have the basis for reaching out to the world and going after your dreams for a better life.” -- Stedmen Graham</span></blockquote>
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So I've already broken my promise to myself, to write daily. I'm going to try not to give myself a guilt trip, because that's what I do. Due to my own self critical mind, yesterday started off with a guilt trip and went spiraling downhill from there.</div>
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I wish I knew exactly the moment where everything went south for the day, and maybe it was the night before, when I was reading old blogs from over a year ago. Actually, I think that's exactly what happened & when I was reading past posts, I couldn't believe how sad I sounded. So, after crying over the past, I fell asleep and woke up with a headache and a crick in my neck. No Bueno. Not only that, but my special someone woke up with a migraine, so neither of us was off to a good start. We said our goodbyes in a less then ordinary way, not as loving as usual, and that's when the guilt started to set in. This guilt, led to a depressed state of near comatose, where I actually continued to lay in bed for another 3 hours. Maybe I wouldn't have done that if I really needed to be somewhere. I had planned on meeting a friend for coffee, followed by some yoga, which I bailed on both and instead laid in my own misery until I was forced to get up at the last possible moment. Guilt Guilt Guilt. I know I do it to myself, I know it's happening and I know it's completely unreasonable, but my ego somehow thrives off of feeling sad.</div>
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Long story short, I sulked in my guilt all day until a friend called me out on it after work, by saying,"You're not happy," and that's when the tears started. Darn tears. Why am I crying? I have no idea. It's such a weird feeling when you really have no idea why you are upset. Either way, it's times like these that I'm so grateful for the people that surround me. I'm lucky and I know it. After toying with the idea that I had control over our evening festivities, I decided on pizza, river gawking and ice cream with my two best man friends.</div>
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While we were sitting by the river I realized that a tree was covered with salmon fly larva skeletons, which gave me the creeps, but as I think about it now I realize how it's a metaphor. How can a living thing change form so quickly? Yesterday I was a caterpillar, moving through life slowly, afraid of getting stepped on, and today I'm a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. So cliche, I know, but how weird of a realization. I feel great today. It's as if I had to go through whatever that was yesterday, some sort of loss of control, in order to find a little bit more balance today....</div>
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Tears or no tears, sulking in my own misery or not, Josh (my special man lover) brought to my attention that I keep dwelling on how I was feeling a year ago, and he's exactly right. I got so sucked into how I was feeling then, that I actually thought that it was "coming back" and it scared the hell out of me, when really, why would I feel like that right now? My life has been doing nothing but getting better this past year. My biggest obstacle now is my own mind, keeping it on track and reminding myself daily, not to dwell in the stormy past, but to soak up the sunshine that's coming my way.</div>
Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-33705947929162503722013-06-03T20:50:00.001-07:002013-06-03T20:50:13.004-07:00Finding Balance<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"Watch the sunrise at least once a year, put a lot of marshmallows in your hot chocolate, lie on your back and look at the stars, never buy a coffee table you can't put your feet on, never pass up a chance to jump on a trampoline, don't overlook life's small joys while searching for the big ones."</blockquote>
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-H. Jackson Brown Jr.</blockquote>
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Hello again my long lost friends! Or has it been myself who's been lost? Either way, I've found myself on the other side of "crazy", now happy, yet feeling somewhat unbalanced. Could it be true? You find what you are looking for and then something else falls through the cracks? Who knows, but on my own life journey, I feel like I've made it through the current storm and now I just need to pick up the few remaining pieces.<br />
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I'm going to just throw this out there, in case the following words are awful. I've started several blogs this past year and couldn't finish them enough to publish, so this one is getting put out there, regardless. I think part of my writers block is the fear of people not responding positively to what I have to say. I'm going to go ahead and knock that wall down, because it's blocking my path.<br />
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I know I've been gone for awhile, and who knows if anyone would really want to go back to reading my plain old blog, I'm no longer chasing some fairytale dream that involves a prisoner. I'm no longer threatening to pack all my things and leave my home forever. I feel a little more settled and I know I'm exactly where I belong. It's a balance issue. And in order to regain my balance, I'm going to go back to a few things that I've lost along the way, first off, my writing.<br />
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I've completely lost my drive to write, which is so weird, since I use to get so much from it. I use to thrive from telling my stories of my monotonous life. I also learned, from writing, how much other people could relate to the things that I say. Maybe I need to put it all out there, word vomit about my life again, so that anyone who wants to, can see exactly what my life is made up of. I think one of my biggest weaknesses is not being completely honest with who I am as a person. I constantly worry about people judging me, when I know in my heart, my biggest critic is looking back at me in the mirror.<br />
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I've found, more and more, I'll catch glimpses of what other people must see when they cross paths with me. Not a bad looking woman, in pretty decent shape for a early thirty year old. A little young at heart and what seems to be a bit on the silly side, but fun to be around. I saw at my recent shindig I threw for myself for my birthday, just how many different walks of life I could immerse myself in. My friends are what make me who I am, and I've always known that I make them easily, and when they are all brought together, well, you would have had to be there, but I think they mixed as good as it could.<br />
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When I'm having a bad day, I look in the mirror and see this haggard face, tired eyes, out of shape, old body. I hear myself say terrible terrible things. I know it's not right, because when I'm having a good day, my image is so much different. How can life feel so great one moment and then plummet to something so dark the next? I'm still trying to find an answer to this question.<br />
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For those of you who have followed my blog in the past, I'm still not on anti depressants, and I still struggle to find my happiness from day to day, but refuse to fall back on modern day "happy pills" to help me. I believe that we all have what we need on the inside, to be happy and fulfilled. I took a good chunk of time off from working out, including my obsessive running. I'm getting back into it again, but I do find myself tired some days, and am learning to listen to what my body is saying. I was supposed to run 10 miles today, but I chose to take a nap, so far it feels like a relatively good decision, although, since I'm feeling like a chunky monkey, I knew a good long run would shock that right out of me, but that's okay. There's always tomorrow and Yoga is happening in the a.m.<br />
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I am proud to say that I did make it one year without alcohol. I almost said one year sober, but my mother would disagree with the whole "sober" claim, since I did find myself using a little green substance about 9 months in to my sobriety, which I now give a little credit to some relief in anxiety. Either way, I made my one year without alcohol, and for someone who had been drinking half her life, I'd say it was a pretty solid goal to achieve. This being said, I have proclaimed to stop drinking again, at least for 30 days. I promise to be completely sober for the next month.<br />
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Why am I telling you this? Well because I feel like I need to put it out there so that I'm held responsible. And my reasoning for "sobering" up aren't what you are thinking. No, I haven't fallen off the wagon again. I don't drink away my sorrows, since I really don't have much to be sorry for. I'm in a healthy relationship that has gotten a little too comfortable for me. 15 pounds worth. GRRRRRRRRRRR Those darn vanity pounds are back, and I swear to god that I'm going to gain control over this. It's a little silly and vain, but I've found myself feeling so terrible about myself and it's all because my shorts don't fit and I feel like I have a muffin top. Why is it so hard to be female? All I want is to love myself in the way that I know I deserve to be loved. I know that until I find control and balance over this struggling self image issue, I wont be the best partner/spouse to someone, or the best parent I could be, and at this point in my life I think about that A TON.<br />
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That's enough to chew on for awhile. I'm going to try my best to write every day in order to keep myself accountable. So for today, day 1, it's been a good carbo-loading-day-off-from-work sort of day. Listening to the rain out my window and contemplating where my life was one year ago, two years ago. Whew. Things have changed and I have allot to be grateful for.<br />
<br />Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-28971703005410682742012-06-25T17:07:00.000-07:002012-06-25T17:15:30.852-07:00ForgivenessWow! Has it really almost been a month since my last blog?? Time really does fly when you are having fun. I honestly logged on here thinking that it had only been a couple weeks. Whoopsies.<br />
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Without further ado..... My thoughts....<br />
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First, a question. When you view the picture below. What do you see? A freshly mowed lawn? Or a freshly PARTIALLY mowed lawn.... That's a toughie.<br />
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This is one of many narotic tendancies I'm starting to see that my father has. His obsessive lawn mowing has gotten a little out of hand lately, but since I hadn't mowed the lawn in about a week, I did what he asked, for a bit of exercise..... Don't worry dad, I'll finish it tomorrow, but really, has the grass grown that much? He seems to think that we need to mow twice a week. My GOD!<br />
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As I walked across the street to fill the gas can, because, yet again, I'm left with no gas, I tell myself, "I forgive you, I forgive you," over and over in my head. This is a little trick that my therapist taught me, which has helped me with SOOOO many things. It's funny how forgiving someone, even silently in your thoughts, makes things better, or funnier, whatever way you want to take it. A friend suggested that I start forgiving people outloud, but I think I forgive my family so much that they might be more annoyed by me then they already are.<br />
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I had to forgive my father earlier today, when he wouldn't come save his favorite daughter after her car wouldn't start. Excuse me, but isn't that what dads are for? Helping their kids when silly shit happens? All I know is he was the first person I called, and I now realize I can't depend on him when he's "busy" (at an auction, spending money). When I teased him about it tonight, my mom responded by saying that they were just trying to let me be independent.<br />
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I forgive you mom, and I'll swallow my pride next time you're stranded, because we both know the odds are it might happen some day. I love you!<br />
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I wrote that little segment above about five days ago and after this weekend, I feel kind of like a different person. Let's just say, in a nutshell, since there are allot of things that not everyone needs to know about my past, I'm realizing that the one person I need to forgive, is myself. I've done some really awful things in my life, but that doesn't mean that I'm a terrible person, and that's starting to become clear to me. A belief that I've held on to for years is that since I clearly don't have respect for others, at times, I must not be deserving of being respected and living the best life possible. Screw that belief. I don't know why I've been saying that to myself this whole time.<br />
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After this recent self-revelation, I decided it might be in my best interest to clear everything up with a man that I love dearly. We may have had to take a step back to being "just friends", but a part of me has been missing since we completely stopped communicating, and I realized yesterday that it was because I hadn't felt like I had been completely honest with him, so I changed that. What I got in return was the purest form of kindness and respect that I've ever recieved from anyone. I now know that I deserve to have people in my life that make me feel good, but I need to return the favor. If either of us can't do that, then we probably weren't meant to be friends in the first place.<br />
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Wow. That feels so good to say out loud. As I'm sitting here on my deck, enjoying some coffee on a Monday morning, I feel at peace. Now how do I bottle this up and carry it with me through life? I think for me, it's not internalizing all the things that I'm ashamed of. I keep saying that I need to learn from life's mistakes and I think I'm finally able to wrap my head around what exactly that means to me. For me, it's understanding what I did wrong, forgiving myself, and as I move on, I leave it behind in the dust. If I can let these mistakes teach me a lesson and let them go, I will continue to propel upward and onward with my life. So with no regrets, I perservere, on this crazy journey of mine, trying my best to never look back.<br />
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Have a wonderful week!Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-4537130581895341982012-05-28T09:21:00.002-07:002013-06-03T21:05:05.737-07:00Torn<blockquote class="tr_bq">
It's either all or nothing -- Gene Senne (my father)</blockquote>
I usually have some cleaver quote, but with today's blog I realize that I don't have one that I can really relate to what I want to write about. It was something my dad said yesterday that struck my core. I don't think that's even the exact quote, I wish I could remember what it was, but you get the gist of it. My father is famous for his little sayings, "don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff." His view on life is a little bit different then mine, which, I'm learning, is totally okay and fine. I think I only started to realize a few years ago, that my daddy isn't always right. He might believe what he is saying or doing is the best way, the right way, but not necessarily the best or right way for me. So, I'm learning to not take what he says as my own identity, but something that he probably thinks is in my best interest, and go with that.<br />
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I don't know what my direction is today, but I found myself listening to my Dido station on Pandora, which is what I do when I really want to find my feminine side, and the song "Torn" by Natalie Imbrulia came on. I associate songs with different times in my life. I never realized this until lately, seriously, I'm having some sort of awakening here, I am, but as I listened to this song, I started to go back to being 16, and heart broken for the very first time. I'm not sure why heartache is so painful, even when the person clearly isn't the right one for you, but it hurts. It's the most painful thing in the world, and I think that's why so many of us settle for less, because we don't want to endure the pain again. The magical thing is, if you suffer through it, and try to learn about yourself in the process, your future will continue to get brighter and brighter. I'm now seeing this for the very first time. What I have done in the past is cry about it, and ask whatever this higher being may be, "what is wrong with me?" Why am I not loveable.....<br />
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Therapy has been really really good for me. I'm having all sorts of epiphanies lately, which is totally awesome and amazing. I missed my normal therapy date two weeks ago, and instead had an extreme public meltdown in Billings while I was with the Special Olympics for the state games. As you've seen in the past, when I cry, I don't exactly look my best. I can hear my inner voice telling me how ugly I get when I cry. And of course, what I took for the reason that I cried (which I later realized was much much deeper) was something completely out of my control that I wont be able to change, EVER, and I need to accept that. I'll just give you a quick rundown of what happened. I'm sure most of you know this, but my older brother, Shad, is autistic and has some issues when it comes to eating. He's usually really easy, if you feed him what he wants, which is McDonald's and Pizza, washed down with a whole lot of soda, chips and cookies. I cringe when he picks out the donut with bright blue frosting because I know that there is nothing good in that donut. I wouldn't eat it, and the fact that there is a very unnatural neon color coating the top, just makes it worse. I'm a very clean eater about 75% of the time, you can't help it really when you eat out or are traveling, so I cut myself some slack. I try not to push my own beliefs of eating organic on to other people, but I've been trying to sneak it in with my brother.<br />
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This past winter, I've been working so hard at getting something good in that 34 year old body of my brother's. I worry about his health, I worry about his future, and what years of eating more bad then good has in store for him. We spent most saturdays, trying something new and organic, I watched him make faces, spit it out and even be very sneaky and throw it away when I wasn't looking, but I really felt like we were making progress. When we were in Billings, I spent the first day, stressing over the fact that he wouldn't eat. He skipped breakfast completely, even though there were things there that he would eat. Lunch time came and he refused to gag down the ham and cheese sandwich, just settling for a bag of chips and a cookie. I managed to find him some food at the bowling alley, nothing healthy of course and magically, dinner that night was a burger. We had survived the day! <br />
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Unfortunately, the next day wasn't as successful. I don't have time to watch every athlete, and there are a few that need extra attention, so I honestly have no idea if Shad ate breakfast that day. He's so independent in so many ways, that I took it for granted, I guess. Another frustrating thing, is I've been told several times now, that Shad will eat whatever is available on Special Olympic trips, when I'm not there. I feel a little resentment towards him. Is that little bastard manipulating me? I refuse to let that happen. So, dinner rolls around, and it was steak. Shad HATES steak. Why? I have no idea. My mom is convinced that he can't swallow it, and maybe that is a true fact, but it's hard for me to believe this, since he can down a cheeseburger in two bites, without chewing. I now know, for the future, to pack a bottle of ketchup, because that would have probably prevented what happened, you live and learn, right? The city that hosts special olympics, provides dinner at least one or two of the nights we are there, so this night we went to a very nice sit down dinner at the food bank. Having steak is also pretty unheard of, usually it's something easy, like spaghetti, which is a whole different mess, but everyone will eat it. Anyways, I'm wandering off here. I was sitting at a different table, and I could see Shad perfectly. He wasn't eating. I got up and walked over to him. We discussed if he was hungry, and he was, so I cut the steak into little pieces and asked him to take a few bites. He started to gag it down, which if you've seen it, it's gross. I just gag by hearing it. So we stopped again, and I tried to talk about how we were going to do this. Wash it down with water, okay? He seemed to understand. I give him too much credit, I do, so when I went and sat back down, I continued to keep an eye on him and saw him, first hand, throw his food back up at the table.<br />
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Are you effing kidding me? I got back up and walked back over there. At that point I didn't have anything left to say. I told him to stop, he stopped, and I went and sat back down. That's when I realized that I will NEVER be able to fix this. Never. Instead of letting it go, and reminding myself that there is a higher power that will take care of Shad, I told myself that I wasn't good enough to fix him, that if I couldn't fix him, how the HELL was I going to fix myself. I lost it, and public cry number #1,256 began, in a room full of friends, strangers, and Special Olympics atheletes. FML.<br />
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I pulled myself together, called my mom and my sister, talked it out. I felt like I was okay. I joined our team again as they walked back out to the bus and was suddenly surrounded by some athletes. They are so pure hearted and I realized that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, they swarmed me like a bunch of mother hens, giving me hugs and asking me if I was okay. I've always thought I was taking care of them, and I now know that they take care of me. I know that I am accepted by them. I think that's always been a fear of mine, being accepted for who I am and where I come from. I grew up being so embarrassed by my brother. I know that he has made me who I am, and that I am a good person because of him. I spent the rest of the night crying off and on. I would stop and then someone would be so genuine when they asked how I was and I'd start it all over again. I was a red hot mess, but I was happy to be there. Such a special moment. <br />
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The very long, and very rewarding, trip ended that Friday, and I went home, super exhausted, but so grateful that I had gone. I feel like a part of myself opened up on that trip, part of me that had gotten lost is back. I say that now, today, but right after the trip I slowly started to spiral back down that black hole. Down down down. I've been so confused about life. What I want, is the easy way, I want someone to tell me what the fuck to do. I've been contemplating moving, or as a few have called it, running away. Actually, now that I think about it, I call it that even, jokingly, but I know it's really what it is. I toy with the idea of being free. Free from the hold of the puppet master (my dad) who has the very best of intentions for me, but doesn't see that what makes him happy doesn't necessarily bring me happiness. Free from everyone who thinks they need to tell me what I'm doing wrong, free to think on my own.<br />
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I went to see Betty (my therapist) on Wednesday, so ready to feel better. My expectations for these sessions has turned into a tool to feel imediately better. I was sure I was going to go in there, tell her my problems and leave feeling like I owned the world. She let the session go longer then normal and when I put my jacket on, she asked how I was feeling. I broke down. Those GOD DAMNED TEARS. As I sobbed uncontrollably, I told her that I felt like I was where I started a month ago. Why do I feel this way? She had asked me earlier if I had ever had thoughts about hurting myself and I lied. Straight up lied to her about it, and I'm not sure why, because I've been honest with everything else. Does it make me weak to have thoughts that it might be an easy way out? I also have thoughts that I have people, who I love, that I would never do that to. That me giving up on life, would not only affect myself, but so many people around me. This is why I don't drink, why I don't have guns in my house and why I hate pills. I know myself. I also know that I'm a strong woman, and I will perservere.<br />
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Betty reassured me that I was exactly where I needed to be and I wanted to believe her, but I couldn't even face the world. I went home and locked myself in my room for almost 20 hours. It was as if I was in mourning and I finally was able to let go of so many things that I had been holding on to. Guilt. Unneccesary guilt. I hold on to guilt for no reason. I use to do that in my marraige, which obviously pushed us apart and I can now see myself doing it with Eric. That's completely unhealthy and I need some me time. It's taken me 31 years to finally come to terms. Guess what? I come first.<br />
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So this is me. My name is Kristal Rae. People really close to me call me Kris, which is probably the most endearring thing to me, because it reminds me of my grandfather. I associate that name with a person I felt very close to but never had the chance to get to know very well. I like terrible music and I dance to the beat of my own drum. I think I've been struggling with that. I try so hard to fight the fact that I am a little different. My sister is known for telling me that I'm not dressed my age. Who cares? I've also been told that I don't look my age, and I take that as a compliment. I'm very slowly but surely realizing that I might just be beautiful, on the inside and on the outside. I believe that you look as good as you feel.Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-88636059221770833362012-05-13T20:40:00.001-07:002012-05-13T20:40:49.033-07:00Small Victories<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to now. Now is right on time."</blockquote>
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I may have posted that quote before, but it sits on my dresser where I can see it everyday. I have it as a reminder that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. There's no rush to get anywhere, I'll get there in time.</div>
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So, I suppose I should start this blog with my trip to the doctors office on Monday. I have had a feeling, many times, that people are brought into my life for a specific reason. Lately it's for the support that I need to get through this point in my life, which has turned into a deep hole that I cannot get out of, without some help. I have found close friends in the most unusual ways, someone who I just had a feeling about, so I finally got the courage to ask her to go grab coffee, an unsuspecting friend of a friend, who needed a place to stay for a few months. You never know who might walk into your life, at the exact right time. There's also those people who you always felt a connection with, but maybe it wasn't the right time until now, or the classmate that you were never really friends with, but suddenly you are drawn together because you can relate to one another and understand each others pain. There's many many more, and both my new therapist and Dr. Josh are no exception. They're not just your average doctor or psychologist, they are the RIGHT ones for me.</div>
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I'm calling this doctor, Dr. Josh. He's just too good looking and young to be called by his last name, but like that matters, I can't even remember his last name. I knew going into the appointment that he was attractive, because my friend warned me to "shave my legs". I'll admit, it's a little intimidating to go into an appointment, knowing you have the potential of breaking down in tears in front of a hot doctor. Not the way I want to spend my emotional meltdown, but what other choice do I have? I had to have an answer to my question. I knew in my heart that I would be unable to move forward with my life if I ignored how I was feeling. What is wrong with me? Why am I so tired? It must be something! Right? That's what I kept telling myself.....</div>
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After much anticipation, Dr. Josh comes in and introduces himself. I'll be honest, he's good looking, but he's not my type. He's not much taller than me, with dark hair and skin (I'm starting to see why this certain friend thought he was so hot....). I'm learning that I much prefer tall men, that weigh twice as much as me, with freckles, but that's just me, I like feeling small and I think freckles are cute, what can I say? He sits down at his computer and looks at my wellness lab that I had done the Friday before as we talk about what's going on with me. I'd been feeling tired, unmotivated and lethargic at times. This had been getting progressively worse when I had been exercising, I would be completely exhausted for the rest of the day and quite frankly, I was frustrated. </div>
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So you all want to know what happened right? I was SURE, completely confident, that it was one of several options; a thyroid malfunction, low iron, anemia, or low vitamin D. Something with a title and an easy fix. There was no doubt in my mind and actually, the last email I had received from my boyfriend had said something in the sense of, "are you going to be okay if you don't get the answer you are looking for?" Sure, I thought to myself, because it will be some sort of "fixable" answer. </div>
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Here it is! Finally! The diagnosis was, there was nothing physically wrong with me. </div>
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Shit.</div>
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Doctor Josh thoroughly explained my results, everything looked normal, except for my iron, which was actually high because I don't have much of a menstrual cycle. I know, this is probably too much information, I guess high iron is alright, but because I exercised so frequently, I had almost no period anymore, and that's not exactly good. It was about this time that I started to feel it coming on, those dreaded tears. For the few of you who haven't gotten the pleasure of witnessing it first hand, it all starts with a quivering of my lip as I try to stay strong and hold it all in. There is no need to cry, and I am well aware of it. I actually don't really care about crying in public anymore, I just hate how I look afterwords. It's not pretty. I call it my "cry face" (see photo from last weeks blog). As the uncontrollable tears started to leak from my eye sockets, Dr. Josh began asking me what was going on in my life. I had no intention of giving him the details of my destructive behavior, this was not my idea of a doctors appointment, but I guess when you flat out tell them upfront, "people keep saying I'm depressed but I REFUSE to take medicine for it," they sometimes use a different approach. So I told him, pretty much everything. Somehow I keep leaving the part out where my boyfriend is in prison. I think I try to protect him because I have had so many negative responses to it. No one understands our connection but us, and that's fine. Needless to say, I didn't mention him at all until the doctor asked if I was in a relationship. BUSTED. Poor Doctor Josh, it was like playing twenty questions, because I wasn't real sure what he was looking for. I told him about the divorce, my car accident, not drinking. What else did he want? When I finally had it all laid out on the table for him, he told me that I had absolutely every reason to be feeling this way.</div>
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It's like in an instant, I was validated for my feelings and suddenly I didn't feel like there was something seriously wrong with me. I think deep down inside I always knew that I'd been dealing with depression, maybe for far longer then I'm really ready to admit. I needed to have evidence that it wasn't something else, and now I'm willing to accept it and to finally take the steps I need to destroy this dark cloud, hopefully, for good.</div>
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I've witnessed too many people deal with depression. I'm tired of seeing drugs not working, or working half the time and I'm going to be proof that you do not need it. You'll see. I've always been a firm believer that through healthy behaviors you can have a healthy mind and body. I think my body was finally telling me to stop, because I was using running as a tool to keep years and years of underlying pain at a stand still, and I now need to deal with it in order to have that amazing life that I'm striving for.</div>
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Doctor Josh also gave me the confidence that I needed to believe that I can feel better. He said if I decided to try meds, I'd have to deal with any side effects. It may be a quicker fix, but not the only way. He was happy to hear that I was in therapy, but said I should have probably been in therapy right after my car accident, I guess there's a good chance I've been dealing with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from it, which makes complete sense to why little tasks have been so freaking difficult. I bounced back like I had scraped my knee when, in fact, I nearly killed myself, but somehow managed to walk away from it with barely a scratch. My angels (I'm pretty sure they are my grandparents) were watching me that night, it was not my time to go. I must have a purpose :)</div>
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I walked out of his office, all cry faced, but feeling very hopeful. I think there was an internal sigh of relief, because I now recognize that I've been depressed, it's not some sort of silly iron deficiancy, and I'm now ready to face it whole heartedly.</div>
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I know I have allot of work cut out for me. I still have had bad "moments" where my whole body goes numb and I get this overwhelming feeling that I'm not good enough, but honestly, ever since I let it all out last week, I generaly feel so much better. Maybe it's the amount of support I now realize I have, or the fact that I now know of people who are going through the same exact "feelings" that I have had and it's completely normal. I'm learning that depression is more real then I ever thought it to be, and is in NO way a sign of weakness. I think acknowledging it is such a strength in itself. I'm also starting to learn that much of my problems have been self induced. There's allot of negative self talk that I've been doing pretty much my entire life, without ever realizing it. Not good enough, I don't fit in, I'm not pretty enough. I don't even like admitting to some of the things that I say to myself. I think I carry allot of guilt. I feel guilty for everything. Anyone not notice that I apologize when it's not my fault? I do that all the time. </div>
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Today was a test for me. I went for a mile run and had to torture myself with praise. Normally I would say how a mile was NOTHING and never good enough, I was probably going to get fat from only running a mile, blah blah, negative, yuck. I actually felt WONDERFUL after my run, and I had a ton of energy. I can't remember ever feeling that good after only running a mile, but if I can feel that awesome after just one mile, why would I ever run 20? JUST KIDDING! But for now, I'm toning it down, listening to my body and taking easy. Dr. Josh's advice was to pay attention to how I'm feeling. He said I'd feel better eventually, but I needed to have a little perspective, and it takes time. He suggested, instead of focusing on how I wanted to feel tomorrow, I should focus on where I want to be in 6 months and everything else will fall into place. He also told me that I'll have good days and bad days, and on the bad days, where I feel like staying in bed all day, I should just stay in bed, but to always remember that this feeling isn't forever.</div>
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Gosh, I feel like there is so much more that I want to share, but I know this is getting long, so I'm going to come to some sort of a closure here. Thank YOU everyone who responded with emails, text messages, and phone calls. I feel so loved and blessed to have such amazing people in my life. I must be doing something right.</div>
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For now, I'm working on enjoying those little moments that make me feel happy, that bring me joy. Being in bed at night, with my babies (aka two dogs and two cats - yes, usually all of them) snuggled close to me, having a significant other who completely supports my decision to kick this wall down in the way I feel will work for me and allowing me to cry to him on a near daily basis. Today's big moments were assembling a closet system all by myself, and the fact that I went on a short run and didn't allow myself to feel guilty for not going farther. These are all small victories for me and they help me move forward to the next hour, next day, next week, next month and hopefully, to the years to come.</div>Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-30368810453619653332012-05-06T08:48:00.000-07:002012-05-06T09:34:51.452-07:00Pain Makes People Change<br />
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<i>The things that we go through in our lives teach us lessons for the betterment of the rest of our lives, if we choose to learn from them. Pain makes us change, sometimes for good and sometimes the worse. In order to get over our addictions and faults in life we must endure pain most times to do so, but in the end, if we fight through the pain that we experience and don't cave, we will achieve the change in ourselves that we desire.</i></blockquote>
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<i>Do not be scared of pain, but instead, endure it. Do not let pain deter you from the course in life that you want to take. Remember that pain is necessary in life and in order to change who you are, you must experience some pain. Continue to push on, through pain and through the discomfort, never let pain make you stop, instead use it as motivation to keep pushing forward. -Unknown</i></blockquote>
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I haven't written in awhile. I've completely lost my desire to write, and it's something I've always enjoyed, but I cant seem to form written words these days. I feel like I'm uninteresting. Who would want to read this? I think I've been keeping a secret. I've been in denial for a long long time about a trait that I've inherited from both sides of the family and the only way to heal, in my mind, is to let it all out.<br />
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I'm depressed.</div>
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Who isn't, right? That's what I've always told myself, you're no worse then anyone else, everyone has had a rough day. But when you've been sad, do you think about the loaded gun that used to be under your bed or consider driving off of the road on purpose, because I do. Recently, I was cleaning the bottom drawers out of my bathroom vanity, and I found a bottle of sleeping pills, which I immediately threw out. I'll be honest, I'm afraid of what I'm capable of doing to myself. What I do know, is that, no matter how bad it gets, the last thing I want is to die. I figured that one out as I as hanging upside down in my car last summer. I remind myself of that feeling often.</div>
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Before I go on, I just want anyone reading this to know, I don't expect a bunch of sympathy, I don't want to get some magic phone call from a long lost friend who suddenly "cares about my life". I've been blessed with having a supportive family and good friends, they know who they are. I'm using this as a tool to help me heal. While I'm directly talking to my audience, I'd also like to send out a plead to you, please set up a google account and "follow" me. I do enjoy knowing who is reading this. I get a large amount of feedback when I see people, and I'm often surprised. There's a good chance that I will eventually make my blog "private", so this will make it so you can still view it, without any problems. I want to make sure I'm not crazy.... I've had 10,000 page views in less then a year, could it just be spam? I have no idea. All I know, is my ego feeds off the fact that people are reading the crap that I write, and I thrive off of it, meaning, I'll want to write more. So do you like hearing about my life? Does it make you feel normal? I think you get the point.</div>
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Okay, back to my overly depressing blog.</div>
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As most of you know, I use humor to avoid uncomfortable silences or awkwardness. I don't know if it works, but it's always been what I do to make myself feel better. That being said, this is why most of you never saw this coming. I can't tell you the amount of pain I've been in, or for how long I've been in it even, because I don't even know the answer to that. I started counseling last week, and what I'm discovering is that I've pushed down my pain for years, probably starting as a child, and it's all beginning to surface now. It's a black tar in my chest, that I'm trying to permanently get rid of, so here goes.</div>
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I think it started to surface when I quit drinking 8 months ago. Seriously. I must have been using alcohol to numb the pain, but now that's gone, what do I have left? Of course, running has been the way I've dealt with stress for the past 3 or 4 years, and now that has come to a sudden halt as well. My body no longer has energy to deal with much exercise. I had been aware that I wasn't feeling as awesome as I usually do, after a normal workout. Over time, the intensity of my workouts got harder, the workouts got longer. A four mile run, didn't cut it, it didn't give me the endorphin high that I'm now realizing I'm very much ADDICTED to. 6 miles wasn't enough, it was turning into 8, 9, 10 miles that I had to run in order to "feel normal". A few months ago, I started noticing, that yes, I felt good when I finished (emotionally and mentally), but I was absolutely exhausted. I'd spend the remainder of my day sitting on my couch and crying because I had no energy. That seems counter productive, right? So, I shortened my workouts. Of course, I wasn't getting my "runners high" feeling at all, but I thought maybe I'd have more energy, NOPE.</div>
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I eat well. I've paid attention to my body and I feed it what it craves. Yes I drink lots of water, I eat red meat, plenty of protein, vegetables and fruit. I thrive on the fact that I'm allowed to eat more carbs when I work out harder, but still, no energy. I even started reading a book on the importance of vitamins and the essential nutrients that your body needs. Ask my sister, I was a crazy pill taking fanatic for awhile. It worked, for like a month, but the eventually, I was back where I started. Lethargic, no energy, hating life. It's like I've been running from something that has slowly been creeping up on me, and it's finally caught up.</div>
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Drum roll please...... I'm depressed. Waaaaaa.</div>
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I also really enjoy crying in public (insert sarcastic tone here). This year I've cried in my car, in grocery stores, alone on the airplane, in public restrooms, hallways of buildings, walking down the street, during runs even. I've even started crying in front of people who are unaware that I "like" to cry, making them feel uncomfortable. I've always been a leaky faucet, but this is getting intense. I don't know where I'm going with the crying thing, and I feel like I need to make a point to this blog and finish it off before you get bored, so here it is....</div>
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I finally said, "ENOUGH!" I want to know what is happening here. I'm ready to move on and make my life the greatest it can be. My plans are this, I started therapy last week, which made me feel empowered and awesome, for about an hour, but that's progress, right? I've completely cut exercise out of my routine until I get some serious blood work done, and that is all happening tomorrow. Not exercising is taking a tole on my sanity and self esteem. I feel like a fat ass everyday and obsessively weigh myself, but I don't think there is much I can do until I know what's wrong with me. When I was working out, I was taking 3 hour naps and sleeping for 10 hours at night, therefore, I wasn't getting anything done. Exercise is at a temporary halt. I keep telling myself that. It's hard to put it on hold though, when you are an emotional eater.</div>
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Before I really sign on to the "I'm depressed" band wagon, I want to make sure it's not just something completely silly, like low iron or a thyroid dysfunction. Maybe I have mono. I have no idea, but I think there might be something going on, on top of hating my life so bad I feel like ending it some days. I don't need to be hospitalized. I am rational enough to know that my thoughts, are just thoughts from that internal dialog that seems to think it's running my life, but it's not. The good news is, I don't use drugs or drink any more, so hopefully this is my window of opportunity to help myself. I do have a problem with being medicated for this illness, which I think is why I've been suffering for so long. I keep trying to do everything on my own, in order to "fix this". Exercise was always my way out of the pain, and right now, it's not an option, which freaks me out. Therapy it is!<br />
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Within five minutes of talking to my new therapist, she mentioned that it sounded like I'm depressed. What a horrible title, being depressed. When you hear someone is depressed, don't you immediately feel sorry for them? Their life is so bad that they can't hardly get out of bed in the morning. Well I'll admit to you (and maybe this is why I have such a hard time believing that I'm depressed), on the outside, it doesn't look like I have anything to be sad about, right? Life is good. Bueno! But no, there's something more to it. I feel, if I don't resolve my inner problems, this deep dark pain I've got going on, I'll never be happy about anything. That's hard for me to swallow, because, as you know, I'M A HAPPY PERSON! You could run into me today, and I'd smile and act like everything is okay, because it is, but as soon as I'm alone, with time to myself, I go to a very dark place, where I hate myself, I self loath and pick apart all of the little bits of myself that I don't like. I know I have good qualities, and I'm a good person, I'm relatively attractive, and in good shape. Now I feel like I'm being vain. See? You are witnessing my inner dialogue coming out in written words as we speak. This is what I'm dealing with, and I'm starting to get the feeling, I'm not the only one who has this issue.<br />
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This is so weird to me. I haven't had the motivation to blog in almost two months, and suddenly I get the strength to do it. Where did that come from? My therapist asked me what it was that made me happy. I was having a hard time figuring that out, and when I gave her an unsure answer, it had nothing to do with writing. This morning, I was laying on the floor, waiting for my youtubed yoga class to "rebuff". I stared at the smoke from the incense that I was burning, trying to will it to give me some sort of shape, some sort of insight to what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I honestly thought to myself, if I were high, I'd be seeing something right now. Of course, there were no smoke signals, because that would be too easy, but as I laid there, trying to think about what really, truly makes me happy, it finally came to me, writing. And here I am.<br />
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This isn't a cry out for help. That happened already, that's why I'm in therapy, getting blood work done, seeing a doctor, and looking for signs in the smoke. This is merely me, telling you, that I think we all go through similar problems. Maybe your life is way better then mine, great. Use this as a tool to boost your own ego. But, maybe there are a few of you who are going through your own struggles. I just want to let you know, you're not alone.</div>
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</blockquote>Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-88960501867354796612012-03-15T19:52:00.000-07:002012-03-15T19:52:09.164-07:00Am I Running In Circles???<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: center;">
"The world can be amazing when you are slightly strange" </blockquote>
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-Unknown </div>
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I'm feeling a little frazzle dazzled and spastic lately. I'm not sure what has gotten into me and I'm not sure where I'm heading, but for the first time in a long while, I'm kind of okay with it. I still don't like the idea of the unknown, but something has changed. Maybe I'm finally moving towards my destiny. I'm a firm believer of that, by the way, so just deal if you disagree with my theories. You don't have to read this if you chose to be a hater.</div>
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Why don't we agree to disagree?</div>
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Have you ever had that day, where you find yourself alone, and chattering away, laughing at a conversation you had via email with your prisoner boyfriend. No? Okay, that's just me.... I also caught myself doing a spontaneous karate kick for no reason, again, alone. I didn't realize it was weird until my co-worker mentioned my dancing-toe-tapping that I was doing while I was talking about something. Maybe I'm just really really happy. </div>
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It's not maybe. I'm really super happy. I hope this lasts.</div>
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About a month ago, I felt as low as I've felt. I know it has allot to do with the weather (aka lack of sunshine) and I've been missing Eric more and more, but I'm okay. These are steps that I believe I have to make in order to become the woman that I want to be. </div>
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But, the biggest question of all is, what do I want to do with my life? Does anyone else find it wildly unacceptable that a woman at the age of NEARLY 31, still has no idea. I feel like I might be on the verge of something..... just teetering on the edge between good enough and something great. I'm in the search for greatness.</div>
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I would also like to personally gloat about my run last week. My friend Mandy and I joined in the 7 mile "Run for the luck of it". It's an amazing feeling when you set out on the run with a ten minute mile goal and finish in just over an hour, averaging 8:47 minute miles. </div>
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Say what?</div>
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Maybe this great feeling is the after burn of accomplishing something I never thought possible. Consistently running under 9 minute miles. Me? No way. I'm not a runner.....</div>
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That's all I have to say.</div>
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Until next time......</div>
<br />Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-23879799166777105062012-02-28T20:39:00.000-08:002012-02-28T20:39:18.067-08:006 months!!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"Nothing worth having comes easy"</blockquote>
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I've been gone! I know, I'm sorry! But I thought what better day to start blogging again, than the day that marks my 6 months of sobriety? I feel awesome!</div>
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So, in light of my huge goals I made for the new year, including blogging weekly, I feel like I might have just a tiny bit of explaining to do. I don't know why, but as soon as I made these great sounding goals, I immediately took a step back. I think I was scared of something. Scared of accomplishing something? Maybe. I have no idea, but I hit an invisible wall. I'm still working towards these goals, but I realized that my blog was turning into some kind of monster that even I didn't enjoy, so I had to take a little "writers" break.</div>
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I'll be honest. These haven't been an easy couple of months. I've been dealing with some emotions that I've never dealt with before. I honestly think allot of it was dormant emotions from years of covering it up with drinking. I can't believe that I'm even admitting that to myself, but I drank and used drugs to cover up the pain. For the record, I haven't done drugs in a long time..... except for pot, but that's even been over a year..... We all have pain. For me the easiest way to deal with a bad day was to drink a bottle of wine, but I now realize that that didn't solve anything, what it did was just add it to my pile of "someday you're going to be forced to deal with this" and that someday is now. I'm thankful that I am learning from my mistakes today, instead of twenty years from now. I still see myself as young, with a great life ahead of me, now all I have to do, is keep doing what I'm doing and life will be good. </div>
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Everything is going to be okay. This was my ex-roommates favorite saying as we both dealt with crazy fits of tears for what felt like no reason. The one thing I've learned in the past few months is that everything happens for a reason, and if you listen real close, you might learn from it. She was one of the "happens for a reason" in my life recently. A woman who I didn't even know when she moved in last September, is now one of my dearest friends (who I miss!) I wish she'd just come back from Argentina already and move back in with me. I've already promised her my Little Black Cat as a future wedding gift. It takes the right person to fall in love with my funny farm, 2 cats and 2 dogs can be a little overwhelming.....</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR4D1O32BeWpZz2XRPq4V_yDqNFW-WgLcJiS_Tksh8O1PMSZGh7pTUdPV9HbvV5jdsiXKqbj_GUdCzgw1M9HxVQe1yt8Nms6mDdjxBHmOr5bMAy9PSS6ro3QNGPp73IWfohoWfXnocqh2q/s1600/photo-11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR4D1O32BeWpZz2XRPq4V_yDqNFW-WgLcJiS_Tksh8O1PMSZGh7pTUdPV9HbvV5jdsiXKqbj_GUdCzgw1M9HxVQe1yt8Nms6mDdjxBHmOr5bMAy9PSS6ro3QNGPp73IWfohoWfXnocqh2q/s320/photo-11.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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So I'm on the search for a new roommate. That's been a challenge, for sure. I think the worst part is every month that I don't have a roommate is another month I have to depend on my ex husband for help. He's always willing, but I feel like I'm not making a life on my own. Didn't I leave him because I didn't want his support? I'm learning what it's truly like to be independent. No one ever told me that if you didn't shovel your walkway when it snowed, it would eventually turn into an ice dome that you get to ice skate across every time you try to go to your car. I completely ate shit today too! In front of a potential roommate. A little embarrassing, but if there is one thing I know how to do, it's laugh at myself. Life is pretty funny.</div>
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What wasn't funny was watching my dog get hit by a car today. She's fine. Thank god she's a Rotty and their domes seem to be able to take some force. It scared the shit out of me. I've been beginning to become quite fond of this sweet dog that my friend left with me nearly a year ago. He's threatening to come back sometime and get her. Honestly, I might cry if that happens. I like this dog. She's a nice addition to my funny farm. Now all I need is a miniature pony and a goat and it will be complete.</div>
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So, in light of me writing again. What am I going to be blogging about from here on out? I think instead of stressing on my goals and keeping everyone updated with that, I want to come back down to the real world and talk about my emotional stability, and my life in general. I feel like my audience enjoys that most. I'm always surprised by how many people read this. I don't know what makes me so interesting, but that's okay, I don't mind being a little different. I've been learning allot about myself, especially when it comes to how to cope with stress. That's been a HUGE mountain and I think I'm tackling it, one day at a time. I can't say I have a steady flow of happiness, but I don't think most people do. I struggle with that, because all I want is to be happy and satisfied with my life right now, but it's hard. I'm coming to the conclusion that there isn't a quick fix for happiness. No fancy supplements, excessive exercise or compliments from my boy toy are going to keep me from having an "off" day. Can I get a big bad BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's dumb. There's got to be an answer, and I'm determined to find it if there is one.</div>
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When it comes to my life, I'm at a fork in the road and I'm not sure which way to go. I'm currently waiting patiently for the man I'm in love with to get out of prison. That sounds completely nuts, but when it happens, you can be my witness. Sometimes you just know, right? I have my insecurities, so does Eric (the prisoner, if you are just tuning in), but as he said it, "we'd be morons not to see where this goes..." He's so right, my 'voice of reason'. Getting to know someone in this way has been the most incredible journey. Hard as hell, but so worth it. There is nothing I want more, then the comfort of his arms around me when I'm having a bad day. I never knew I even wanted that until now, but I know in my heart that if I'm patient, I will be rewarded. For now I'll settle for the funny things he sends me, like tiny little "solitary confinement" pencils.... Even in his situation, he still finds ways to make me smile and laugh everyday. Who wouldn't wait for the full package, when even a small part of it is this good?</div>
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Actually, it's kind of the perfect scenario for me. I have some serious emotional baggage that I need to sort through. I also need to figure out what my career path should be. What I would LOVE is for someone to tell me what to do, but I know that's not going to happen, PLUS, isn't that what I've been doing? I need to do what I want to do, because THAT is where I'm going to feel fulfilled. I'm in search for that sense of fulfillment.</div>
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So, I pledge to try harder to keep you up to date on my journey in life. I'll recap what's been going on with Eric in my next blog! For now, I'm going to enjoy my achievement of 6 months! 6 months ago my life changed forever, I almost killed myself, but thank God I was left with minor scars on one arm. I am grateful for this second chance and I promise to make this the best life possible! Thank you to all of my friends and family for keeping me strong, encouraging me through my tears and not allowing me to give up. This hasn't been easy, but I'm becoming a stronger, better person.</div>
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<br /></div>Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-61822393624332047102012-01-12T19:54:00.000-08:002012-01-17T19:00:07.608-08:00Scattered<blockquote>"Unhappiness is a choice.
You can choose to be unhappy with where you're at,
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you can choose to be happy with what you've got and work towards what you want."</blockquote>
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<br />Really? Okay, if you say so, but I'd really appreciate it if I didn't have to wait too long. Being patient has never come easy for this girl. Maybe I should add this to my goals..... I really do think that putting down my goals makes them more achievable, instead of always thinking, 'I'm going to start this someday'......
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So how am I doing?<br />
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First, I want to reevaluate the order of my goals. To be honest, I wasn't paying close attention to the specific order.
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<b>1.Blog Weekly</b>.<br />
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So far so good! I'm going to go ahead and give myself a pat on the back for getting last weeks blog up by Wednesday. I'm really really hoping I get this one done in time. I'm starting it a little late, plus I managed to forget my keyboard, so I'm typing this via touch screen on my IPad, which isn't exactly speedy.... Kudos for one week down, only 51 weeks left.... Or is it 53? I know it's not 52...... I honestly don't know. Thank god for google. My answer will be solved momentarily, always go with your gut. 51 weeks. I can do this...... Later..... Okay, so maybe I started celebrating too soon. I vow to KEEP TRYING to have my posting done by Wednesday of each week.<br />
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<b>2.Cook More</b>.<br />
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I feel pretty good about my first week. I started the week off with trying a dessert called "cake batter balls". I'll admit, they looked nothing like the recipe, they were kind of ugly, but they still tasted good, at least the first day. I tried one the next day, after it had sat in a warm room for 24 hours, not so tasty, kind of gross really. I also made a healthy lasagna and southwest stuffed spaghetti squash, which both turned out great and I was able to use the leftovers for lunch. I have a terrible habit of making way too much food, so the fact that I didn't throw out either of these, makes me very happy. My biggest struggle is planning my meals. That's hard!.<br />
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<b>3.Do something that scares me everyday & quit procrastinating</b>.<br />
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I added "quit procrastinating" to this, I feel like they go hand in hand for me. I honestly don't know if I do things that scare me everyday, I think I need a running list. I'm glad I'm more aware of this because it's paying off :) Last week, after I posted my first blog, I was driving into town. There is this new coffee shop in East Missoula that I've always wanted to stop at, but I've been too scared. (I know! How weird am I?) Well, as I passed this place, I thought, "what the hell?" I don't think I was even aware of how scared I was. I was shocked and amazed when I walked in, because my favorite coffee dude was working there. He use to work at Zootown Brew but disappeared a few months ago. Hooray, I've found him again. This makes me so happy! I also called someone that I've been intending on calling for several weeks, and everything went well. I honestly think being scared and procrastinating just stresses me out, so from now on, if it's something I need to do, I'm going to TRY to do it right away.
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<b>4.Take more pictures and work on developing my photography business</b>.<br />
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Thank you Katea for holding me accountable for this one! I've been trying to bring my camera with me everywhere, just in case. I always have my phone, which takes okay pictures, but it's not the same thing. I keep my small canon point and shoot, which also has some manual functions, in my bag, which paid off this week. I'm going to start including pictures on my blog.
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<br />I saw a bald eagle on my drive home, up Pattee Canyon. I know we've all seen pictures of bald eagles, but I was pretty excited. I only wish I had my OTHER camera, and my zoom lens. From here on out, I'll have it with me, or at least in my car. The other photos are from a foggy morning a few days ago. I can go days and days where nothing catches my eye, and then suddenly everything is distracting me.<br />
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Along with taking more pictures, I spent a few hours this week going through my thousands of digital images I have saved. I certainly have a passion for this, so I'd better make use of it. I have a plan to maybe start selling my prints at our store. Why not? <br />
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<b>5.Yoga and Meditation</b><br />
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I'm having difficulty fitting Yoga into my busy schedule. Right now I do not have the time. I know I need to make time, but my focus for the next few months is training for the triathlon I signed up for in April, so Yoga is going onto the backburner until May. Until then, if I can fit a class in here or there, I will. As for Meditation. I have practiced my meditation for a full week now. For those of you who are interested, there are tons of free podcasts available on itunes. I've been listening to two different ones, "Learn to Meditate", which has daily practices. I've only listened to a few days worth and the sound is a little off, but it's informative and helpful. I'm also listening to a weekly meditation podcast called "Zencast". I have a hard time quieting my mind for more than a moment or two, but I do see it getting easier. I made the mistake of listening to a podcast via my iphone the other morning, and my dad interupted with a phonecall and his favorite game of "twenty questions". Needless to say, I now mediate with my phone off. I do feel like meditation helps me cope with the chaos of my days. If you only knew. I'll give you an example.....<br />
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Last Friday, my sister and I were at the Import Market working. The phone rings, my sister answers, and when she gets off, I'm informed that our warehouse is on fire and I needed to go out there. Why me? Who knows. So I grab a co-worker and hop in the truck. As we came around the corner to East Missoula, there were black plumes of smoke coming up over the backside of Mount Jumbo. <br />
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"Oh Shit." <br />
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Secretly I was thinking, 'Thank you God!' I had been trying to figure out what we were going to do with all that wicker.... As I pulled into the motel parking lot, which happens to be within walking distance of our warehouse, I sort of ignored the cop directing traffic and he started flailing his arms around and yelling at me. I guess I drove across the fire hose. You're not suppose to do that. I didn't know! It was flat, I don't think I hurt it. After being chewed out by a second cop, who was at least understanding, I was informed by my co-worker, that I'd be in jail if I hadn't been female. This is just one hour out of my life. Sadly, no, our warehouse did not burn down, just a couple trucks out back, see last Saturdays Missoulian for more details. We were on the front page of the Montana section. This is big news in Montana, didn't you know that?
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<b>6.Make more art</b><br />
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So far I've done nothing with this. By the beginning of February I plan on having a list of classes I would like to take.<br />
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<b>7.Compete in one race a month</b><br />
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I'm currently training for two races. February 25th I will be running the Seeley Lake Snow Joke Half Marathon. Last year the weather was a balmy 3 degrees, so I'm hoping for it to at least be that warm. I train for my half marathons by running twice a week. I run one long run on the weekend and a shorter one during the week. This week I ran 6 miles on Sunday, and 3.5 on Tuesday. <br />
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I'm also all signed up for the Grizzly Triathlon, April 21st. I'm scared of this race. I've been signed up before, but bailed at the last minute. The good news is, I've done a few baby triathlons (this one could probably fit into that catetgory, but it's still scary!!). Along with running two days a week, I try to cycle one or two days and I will be swimming two days a week, starting next week. I'm not a strong swimmer, and I'm out of practice, but as usual, my ultimate goal is to finish. That's it. Finish with a smile. I'm good at that. <br />
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You know what. I just read what I have so far and this is WAY TOO MUCH INFO for one blog, so, I'm going to end this one a little abruptly, but first I'm going to list my last few goals (a few new ones and a few I plan on crossing off the list....)<br />
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<b>8.Write a book</b><br />
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<b>9.Patent and sell an idea</b>
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<b>10.Pay off my debts</b><br />
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<b>11.Read more</b><br />
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<b>12.Positive affirmations</b><br />
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<b>13.Get my bailbonds license (it's a long story, I promise to get into it, but at the rate I was going with this blog, you probably got bored and didn't even get this far!) I forgive you! I was getting bored too!!!</b><br />
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<b>14.Accomplish something everyday</b><br />
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And as for a few things I took off my list:<br />
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<b>Quit drinking so much coffee</b><br />
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I'll just be honest, it's like the moment I put this one out there, my body started to crave it even more. Why bother? For right now, only once a day, I can deal with that. I don't drink and I don't do drugs. Let me have my coffee dammit! :)<br />
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<b>Cycling Instructor Certification</b><br />
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This is definately something I think I would enjoy, BUT, I really need to tone down my goals and make sure the rest are attainable, for now I'll keep enjoying my classes. Anyone go to the Peak? Tamara, 6 pm, Tuesday nights starting February 1st. YOU WILL HATE EVERY MOMENT OF HER CLASS. She kills you. It's amazing!
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Next weeks TOP GOAL. A more focused blog, posted by Wednesday!
Hope everyone is having a great week!
XOKristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-3234621222357055932012-01-11T20:35:00.003-08:002012-01-11T20:35:40.960-08:00I'm late!Sorry! To those of you who might be checking for a blog! I'm running a little late, but it's only because I have so much to say! Check back soon! Friday? xoxoKristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-80119856407975612172012-01-04T18:59:00.000-08:002012-01-04T20:40:56.020-08:002012 Year of Personal Growth<blockquote>"You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change"</blockquote>
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Happy New Year!<br />
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I don't know about the rest of you, but I am welcoming the new year with open arms. Goodbye 2011, hello 2012. I'm calling last year the year of Change and this year is the year of Personal Growth. I did have a friend say that just because it's a new year, doesn't mean anything is really different, but I disagree. It's not like I have a clean slate, but I am starting this year differently then last year. For once I'm not unsure about my relationship (which feels so good!!!!). This time last year, I was going into the steam room at the gym and sobbing every night, because I was so lost and confused. I feel like a different person, and I'm ready to move forward and become an even better me.<br />
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I went through many changes last year. I overcame a divorce. Honestly, I slowly spiraled out of control until my car accident 4 months ago, but now I feel like I'm at least headed in the right direction, with a lip piercing, a prisoner boyfriend and a new tattoo. Nothing has ever sounded so normal to me. Ha! I'm smiling as I write this, because the best thing about my story, is it's MY STORY, no one else's. You can't make this stuff up!<br />
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So. My plans for 2012? First and foremost. I've been reading a book called "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin, and she's given me some ideas on my own "happiness project". I've been struggling with my personal happiness, because it's never consistent, besides somewhat following the weather, and I don't like that. So this year I'm trying to set some personal goals that will make me happier. I have lists and lists of goals, and I'm hoping my blog will help me keep myself on path and somewhat organized. Let's see what I've got here. You're probably going to think that I'm completely out of control, but that's okay. This is how I do things. A little differently, somewhat over the top, and never quietly. I want you to be my witnesses to the transformation I am about to make.<br />
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I'm warning you, the first blog of the year might be a little all over the place.... Of course I have hand written notes, notes on my ipad and my phone, so bare with me :) I may even add to my list as the year goes..... For me there is nothing more gratifying than crossing something I've accomplished off of a list.<br />
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I think what I am going to do is break this down into the actual goals, and then follow up with placing them into individual monthly goals, to make it not seem so overwhelming... I'm going to use January to get myself in order.<br />
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<b>Personal Goals:</b><br />
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<b>1.Blog weekly</b> I think I can do this. I'm going to personally promise a new post by Wednesday of each week. If you don't follow my blog, I always post a link on Facebook when I've finished the blog. Sound good? I know allot of people care about what I'm doing. :) That's sarcasm baby.<br />
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<b>2.Cook more</b> Sounds simple, right? Not really. Especially when you live 20 minutes from the nearest grocery store. I need to plan things out if I want to cook. I love to cook! AND to make it even better, I was surprised with a new Kitchen Aide mixer from my parents for Christmas, so it's like God is TELLING ME TO BAKE.
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<b>3.Make more art</b> One of my passions. I did go to Art School for a reason, right? I've been trying to figure out what it is that makes me happy, and I really do miss drawing. I'm going to look into taking a few art classes this year and see where that takes me.<br />
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<b>4.Do something that scares me everyday</b> This will be hard for me. I honestly need to start a list of things that scare me. One of my biggest fears is calling a stranger on the phone. I KNOW! Sounds completely insane. I'm even having a hard time calling the internet people. What's wrong with me? Nothing. It's just a thing I have and I'm working on it :)<br />
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<b>5.Take more pictures and work on developing my photography business</b> One of my passions has always been photography, but I've never felt like I was good enough to swim with the "big fish", so I've never tried very hard. Well that's over this year. I can't say I'm a huge fan of photographing people, but that's what sells, so we will see where I go with this. I plan on taking my camera with me everywhere. I use to do that, but I stopped. You never know when you are going to capture a moment. Hopefully, if everything goes well, this will be a way to make a little extra money while also doing something I love. It's very gratifying when someone has a positive reaction to your photos. I've found myself very jealous of friends who have followed this dream to be a photographer, it's my turn and it's okay to be scared. Thank you to all of my friends who have pushed me towards this dream of mine. You know who you are.
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<b>6.Accomplish SOMETHING everyday</b> Sounds easy, right? I love love love wasting time and not accomplishing anything in a day. No, I'm not distracted because I'm smoking pot and staring at the wall or playing video games. Undiagnosed ADHD? Maybe, but I do know, when I finish something I set out to do, I feel pretty happy about it. Another list?<br />
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<b>7.Yoga and Meditation</b> I have a hard time quieting my mind. I'm really good at half-assing both my Yoga and meditation practices, so this will take some time for me. I need to MAKE time for this. I'm planning on working on my meditation around the time I go to bed, because I've found that it helps me fall asleep. It's okay to do this! I swear it's not cheating, just killing two birds with one stone, in the hopes that I will wake up feeling refreshed with a clear mind. Doesn't that sound amazing!? YES!!!
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<b>8.Get certified to be a cycling instructor</b> I think I might really enjoy this. I also have a reasonably flexible schedule, so why not? Definitely something that can go on my "things I'm scared to do" list. What's the worst that could happen?<br />
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<b>9.Quit drinking so much coffee!!!!</b> I know. This one sounds silly, but I rely on it to start my day. I also think I need caffeine in the afternoon, which leads to me not being able to sleep..... I see a pattern here.... Do you?
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Well those are the notes from my phone. Let's see what else I have :)<br />
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<b>10.Compete in one race a month, including ONE marathon</b> I'm giving myself January off, but I think I'm doing two races in May. This is what I have planned so far:<br />
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February - Snow Joke Half Marathon<br />
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March - St. Patty's Day 5k<br />
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April - Grizzly Triathlon (if I can sign up before it fills up!)<br />
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May - River Bank Run Trifecta & Bloomsday<br />
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June - hmmmmmmmm<br />
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July - Missoula Half Marathon<br />
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August - Seeley Lake Tri<br />
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September - <br />
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October - Diva Run & Blue Mountain 30k<br />
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November -Training for Marathon?<br />
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December - I'm going to try and do the Vegas Full Marathon
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<b>11.Figure out how to patent and sell an idea</b> Uh, yeah, my sister and I invented something. It's awesome. That's all I'm going to say. I don't want you stealing my ideas!
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<b>12.Start writing a book</b> Can you become a published author without any schooling? Well, I'm about to find out. :)<br />
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<b>13.Pay off my debts</b> I'm not ready to fully admit to how much debt I am in, but WHEN it's paid off, hopefully by the end of the year (if not sooner) I will be able to afford a nice car payment. I'm determined to do this on my own. I did this :) I played a little to hard last year. Oh well.<br />
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I think that's enough for one year. No? Now. I guess the question is how to break it down? hmmmmmmm. I think that's for the next blog. Yep. Sounds about right.Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-42350024522967876502011-12-08T17:59:00.000-08:002011-12-08T17:59:26.266-08:00Last blog for 2011 :)Hey ya'll!
I'm just letting everyone know that due to my busy December schedule, I'm not going to be posting anything new and exciting. I have a plan for 2012, which involves a weekly blog. Trying to get this chaotic life of mine situated.
Happy Holidays! I'll see you in 2012. My goal is to have my first post on the first of the year. Any newbies to my blog can catch up on the reading :)
You Rock!Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-68123527917425331332011-11-21T21:41:00.001-08:002011-11-21T22:02:53.147-08:00DisappointingSeriously. The highlight of my weekend was the 4 short hours I spent with Eric. You heard me. I flew over 700 miles, and drove 3 hours from Mesa to Safford, only to see him for 4 hours. Once again I broke the G.D. rules and was kicked out early. You'd think I was the criminal. Maybe I am????<br />
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I'm just glad it's over. I nearly missed my flight this morning. Let's start with that, and I'll work backwards. UGH. This morning, I woke up early and headed to the airport before 6 am. We were held up in traffic because of a car wreck, so instead of it taking about an hour, it took an hour and a half. When I was dropped off, it was 7:20, and my flight was at 8:05. Allegiant Air has it's own airport in Mesa, it's about half the size of our tiny little airport in Missoula, so it's usually no big deal. WELL. Today was different. Apparently there were 5 outgoing flights within 2 hours, so there was a line of like 500 people. SHIT. I thought I was late last time, when I tried to outsmart the GPS and went the wrong way. Nope, this was worse. I think I'm doomed to miss a flight. I stayed in line for a few minutes and started talking to the people behind me, they were going to Bozeman and told me to cut in line. I was too shy to cut, so the lady I had just met went up to a group of guys and asked if I could jump ahead of them. Strangers are so nice sometimes. I'm such a scaredy cat. They said it was fine and when I told them where I was going, they pointed to the "express line", which I had not seen. Thank GOD! So, I get in that line and they announce that they are closing our flight in 5 minutes. Just in the knick of time, right? Until I went through security. I guess my suitcase full of mexican jewelry was a "red flag", (thank you dad) so they had to search BOTH OF MY BAGS. OH. MY. GOD. I don't have time for this. The flight leaves in less then 15 minutes. As I'm patiently waiting for the security guard to go through my shit, they repeatedly announce my name over the intercom, "Kristal Cowart, you have 3 minutes to get to gate 5". FUCK FUCK FUCK. I'm sorry, but Arizona just hasn't treated me very well this weekend, I'm ready to leave. I don't want to be stuck here..... After an ETERNITY, the guard finally gives me my bags. I'm borderline crying, but trying to keep myself together, since I know how to do that so well. As I ran to the gate, I passed the coffee stand :( Booooooooooo!!!! No time. I'll get it on the plane. When I handed the flight attendant my ticket, he told me that I had 10 more seconds before he was going to close everything down. SHIT SON! What the hell is going on this weekend? I don't have a clue. All I know is it ended about the same way it started, so I'm glad it's over. And they didn't serve coffee on the flight.<br />
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Let's rewind to Friday.<br />
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So Friday morning, I hop on the plane, leaving the blizzardy Montana weather for sunny Arizona. Things are looking bright. I land without anything crazy happening, my parents pick me up, and we head to Safford. We're all in a good mood, catching up on what's been going on back home for the past few weeks while my parents have been gone. The drive through the "mountains" (if you can call it that) is actually a very pretty drive and we make it to our destination before dark. My dad wasn't feeling well, so my mom and I dropped him off at the hotel and headed to dinner. We went to a local Mexican restaurant that Eric's mom has suggested we try, and the service was so good that we were in and out in less then 20 minutes. I swear. It was kind of funny, since we were trying to waste time. After dinner and a quick stop at Walgreens, we decided to take a drive out to the prison to see what it looks like in the dark. I wanted to know what kind of mileage I was going to be running the next day. You heard me. My completely rational plan, since I was carless, was to pack my running backpack with my running gear and run from the prison to my hotel. I had called the prison earlier in the week to find out if there were lockers that I could use. I remembered there being lockers in the restroom outside of security. They assured me that I could use them for all the items not allowed in to visitation, which is basically anything other then quarters and my ID. My mom and I discovered that I would be running about 8 1/2 miles. That's EASY, except for the fact that I cannot breath through my nose. I had a head cold that I had been trying to fight for a few days, but of course, when I come to visit Eric, I'm sick. I don't think I've been down there to see him where I haven't been sick or super sleep deprived. It's no good, but it's better then not going down there, so I'll take what I can get.<br />
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The next morning, we woke up bright and early, around 6, and were headed to the prison by 7. The plan was for my parents to drop me off before they continued onwards to Mexico. I would only have to find my way to the hotel that afternoon (running) and back to the prison the next day. I called the Taxi company the day before and left a message on their answering machine. It wasn't looking hopeful, so I was going to try to make a friend that would be willing to pick me up the next morning. Thank God I know how to make friends easily, which isn't always a good thing, I tend to be a bad judge of character and usually give people the benefit of the doubt until someone screws me over somehow (I trait I inherited from my father). I had my parents wait a minute while I ran inside and secured my stuff in one of the lockers. This is when I ran into my first problem. I suppose I should have caught this as a sign, but I just thought of it as a minor, but annoying, speed bump. They didn't know where the keys were. Awesome. I called ahead of time to make sure that this didn't happen. What is wrong with these imbeciles? I was slightly annoyed, but took a deep breath, I can figure this out. I walked out to where the other visitors where sitting and asked nicely if someone would be willing to let me put my backpack in their trunk. A girl about my age, with a foreign accent, who I later learned was named Jovana, jumped right up and said it was okay if I put it in her car. Thank God. I waved goodbye to my parents and sat down to wait until 8 am, when they allow us in. Only one more hour and I get to see Eric. The long almost three month wait was finally over. I was excited.<br />
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Finally. It was time. We went through the same old security. I beeped, but the really mean security guard is gone, so it doesn't matter, it's my bra, no biggie. We were taken into the visitation room, shown where we should sit and I headed straight to the vending machine to hoard the orange juice, something they aren't given in prison. No OJ? Nope. Eric eventually came out, and we set into our usual, now familiar routine. It always takes about an hour to get use to actually being around one another. I find myself becoming shy around a man that I talk to every day on the phone and through e-mails, but in person, it kind of feels like a first date. He told me that I intimidate him, and I"m still trying to figure out how. I'm 5'4", with fake blond hair, half his size. I'm scary. lol. We ate some delicious vending machine food and played scrabble, where I mercilessly kicked his ass. He helps me, so I guess he is the winner, but I'll claim it. At around noon, we took some pictures. It's something that I can hardly handle, since I don't have control of the camera, but Eric looks forward to them, so I do it for him. They'll be developed and given to him in a few weeks and I know that will make his day, so it's worth it. We sat back down, and ate some more food (see why I don't mind running the nearly 9 miles??) and about the time we were finishing up, a short gray haired man called Eric up to the desk. It was the same man who was absolutely no help early with the locker keys. I guess he is some sort of authority. I've never seen him prior to this day, or at least, never took notice.<br />
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Eric looked at me, and I asked him what they wanted, he had no idea. We had purposefully been on our best behavior because my dad was coming to visit the next day, we didn't want the guards to have any reason to cancel our visit. As I sat in my chair I began to feel uncomfortable. I could tell that they were arguing about something. I eventually stood up, to see if I could interject and the little female guard, who always picks on Eric, told me to sit down. I did what she said. I have no idea if she really has that much authority over me, but I've heard rumors of people being permanently kicked out of visitation and I don't want to risk that. Eric eventually came back and sat next to me. He told me that they had evidence that he had touched my ass. WHAT THE HELL? First of all. Who the F cares? Secondly, evidence? I guess when we went up to get our pictures taken, they caught his hand touching me "inappropriately" on video. The sad truth to this, I started it. He was just (without thinking) returning the favor. It's always been a rumor that the photo area is kind of a "safe area" to get away with things, but we weren't thinking about that. I've already been kicked out once. Neither of us wanted that to happen again, especially because my dad was coming the following day. All we care about is seeing each other. Hell yes a conjugal visit would be nice, but we both know this isn't the place. (sorry you had to hear that mom and dad :)<br />
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I had to leave. We should have had two more hours that day, but I had to leave. Are you kidding me? Okay. So what the hell was I supposed to do? My bag was in a complete strangers car. As I was escorted out, the little gray haired dude asked me if I had a ride. No. You know why? Because Saffords taxi service SUCKS. OR it's non existent. I had to explain to them that my stuff was in Jovana's car and I needed that before I could leave. This is about the time where I completely lost it. I don't think I've ever been this emotionally broken down in public EVER. I stood in the front lobby, outside security and sobbed while they went back in to get Jovana. Now I was screwing up someone else's visit. Great. Surprisingly she didn't even seem to care. This girl was very happy-go-lucky and I'm glad I found her. She let me get my bag and she said she would give me a ride if I needed one the next day. At least there's tomorrow, right? I was crossing my fingers. We exchanged numbers as we walked back to the building, with the lieutenant following behind us. As we got to the door the lieutenant told me that I couldn't go in with my cellphone. What? Why? Who the hell cares. I just needed to go into the bathroom so I could change. For God's sakes, give me a friggin break here. I know none of you have souls, but I'm just an innocent girl who's fallen for a guy on the other side of the wall. Does that make me less of a person? Come on. I finally had to resort to hiding my cell phone behind the garbage can outside. It was ridiculous. At least if my iphone was taken I could find it via gps. lol. I was probably overreacting at the time, but Jesus. <br />
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As I went back inside, the one nice guard that I've encountered reminded me that I needed to give her the license number off of my parents car. I suppose I could have just made something up, but I like this woman, and I've seen her a few times, she's been nothing but nice, and treats me like an equal and not like a criminal, so I don't mind doing what she asks. She walked outside with me so I could get my phone to call my parents and that's when I broke down. Sobbing. This is the point where I start to question myself. Is this worth it? Is this man really worth all of this torment, this heartache? I feel like nothing we do will ever be "right" in their eyes (the guards who seem to HATE us). I told Eric before we parted, that it was inevitable, they were going to find SOMETHING wrong. No matter what. The nice guard patiently waited while I lost it and told me she wished she could do something about it, but it was out of her control (I knew that). She started to tell me about the Mexican man that was sitting on the bench right outside of security and how his family had traveled from Mexico to see one of the inmates, another family member, that they hadn't seen in years, and he hadn't filled out the visitation form that you need to send in weeks before you come to visit, so he wasn't allowed in. I'm not sure if she was trying to make me feel better, but it was comforting to know that SOMEONE had a little compassion. Thank you, Miss Security guard who's name I do not know.<br />
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I eventually got myself changed into my running clothes. I bid the security guard farewell and told her I had some much needed anger that I needed to run off, and I headed down the road. Once again, running came to the rescue. How many times do I need to repeat myself. I think running is saving my sanity. As I ran down the highway (yes, highway, but it was a two lane and only about half of it didn't have sidewalks), I began to release all the days frustrations. They can kick me down. Over and over. I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to admit defeat, and as long as Eric is where he is, I'm going to stay strong. Somehow, the worse the situation, the stronger I become. By the time Eric called, I was five miles into my run, and my head was once again on straight.<br />
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"Tell me some good news." I begged him, as I slowed down to a walk.<br />
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Unfortunately there was none. Not only had our visit ended early that day, but I would not be allowed to return on Sunday, nor would my father be allowed to go visit. The weekend was ruined. I was internally devastated, but that's the last thing he needed to hear. I could tell that he was worried that perhaps what had happened would ruin our relationship. He was so wrong. There is nothing those guards can do to me to make me love him any less. No one will ever know what the entirety of how he's changed my life, with just words. No one will know except the two of us, which is fine, it's nobody else's business. For him to even consider that I would think about not returning to see him. He is so wrong. We do this for each other, pick each other up when one of us is down. He's done it time and time again for me, when I've been at my very worst, it was my time to return the favor. <br />
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What I'm worried about is this affecting his mother's visit, next month. She hasn't seen her son in over a year and wasn't even sure she'd be able to make a trip down there until recently, and now that might be completely ruined, because of me. It's really no one's fault, unfortunately it's human nature to want to touch someone you love, especially when you're not allowed. Eric had to make a statement when he was getting the equivelant to being "written up" (prison term "given a shot") and he admitted to what he was accused of and said he was sorry, but he missed me and he didn't even realize he was doing it, which was true. I can't tell you how many time's I've had the natural desire to lean in and give him a kiss, only to realize that I can't. The things you take for granted! I never thought I'd ever be in a position like this, where there were certain things that you cannot do. We both feel robbed of something, a little bit of time together, to make the distance not seem so far, but I know we will get through this, and hopefully I'll be back there in a couple months.<br />
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It's pretty amazing what little things I look forward too these days. There are certain things that I want and cannot have. I can't be with the one I want WHEN I want, I have to settle on these short visits. I look forward to holding his hand and looking him in the eye when we talk. I look forward to being around him for a short period of time. There is just something about this man that makes me believe that he is worth the wait.... <br />
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<br />Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-71623363281228275842011-11-18T18:31:00.001-08:002011-11-18T18:31:52.150-08:00Young, Wild and Free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
Well, perhaps I'm none of these really, but I need to remind myself that this is always an option. I guess I don't have the choice to become younger, but do I need to act my age? I certainly am okay with not looking my age. It's a flattering compliment that I've been getting more and more. As I was getting ready in the locker room of my gym the other day, there were some high school girls chattering away. I could see their reflections in the mirror behind my own and I thought to myself, "I'm glad to be me." A good feeling. Comfortable in my own skin? Some days, but that's better than before. I no longer look in the mirror and loath myself, and I give credit to some sort of inner growth I've accomplished this past year. It will always be a work in progress..... I just gotta keep moving forward. Moving forward.<br />
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Maybe I've put my wild side to rest. I think the drunkin Kristal with no limits to what she will or will not do is gone. Dance on the bar, of course drunk Kristal would be all over that, sober Kristal, well, I guess it depends on my mood and how much you pay me. I might still do some of the silly things that I did when I drank, and I see my shy sober self starting to peel away like a layer of dead skin. I'm becoming the person I lost years ago. I've always been an outgoing, outspoken, at times annoying to people, with a laugh that turns heads, but the more I drank and used drugs the more that girl that came out naturally suddenly became locked away until I had my next fix. It's kind of bizarre to look back at myself and think, "did I really change that much from drinking?" I would love to contradict myself and say, "no..... none of that changed me." But that would be me lying to myself. My personality flat out changed over the years, where I only felt like I was "fun" when I had a few drinks in me. Little did I know, I was just becoming an asshole.<br />
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Freedom. So, I don't have total freedom. I would really like to have some financial freedom, but I did dig myself a bit of a trench this last summer when I went on my 'I'm turning 30, and going a little insane, so let's go on a road trip and not care about money' three week adventure, but when I step back and look at the big picture, it's really all okay. I have a home for god's sake, and thankfully my loan is for about half of what it's actually worth. I'm luckier then I'd like to admit most days. Todays one of those days where I will openly admit that, yes, I am blessed. I was raised in a loving family, who is close. I mean CLOSE. Tell me of anyone else you know who lives next door to their parents AND works along side them. I'm grateful for that. Who knows what my life would be like if I didn't have such hard working parents. They were able to support me when I went to college, they've helped me with my house, they even loaned me money so I could purchase "white falcon". Without them, who knows. I chose not to question that. Family is important.<br />
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I'm thinking about my family with nervous anticipation to how the next few days are going to go.... I'm currently on a plane heading down to Arizona for the weekend. Goodbye cold Montana, hello sunny 70 degree weather! I have a friggin cold, but I have a feeling that as soon as I feel the warm air, I'll be magically healed, maybe not, but I'm hoping so. My parents are picking me up from the airport and we are headed straight for Safford to see Eric. You see, I still have my provisional license and I still am not supposed to be driving. Boooooooooooo!!!!! I feel like I'm 14 again and eagerly waiting for my 15th birthday so I can legally drive. The good news is, my dad is only coming in on Sunday, for a short visit. Then there is the bad news. I'm left without a car, ten miles from town. hmmmmmmmm. How is this going to go? I have no idea. I had big dreams of making my workout for the weekend be a ten mile run from the prison back to the hotel, but now that I have a cold.... I dunno. I might have to depend on the one and only cab service in the area named Hollywood Taxi. I'm not sure what to think about that.<br />
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I guess we will just have to wait and see. Either way, it's been way too long since my last visit. I vow to never go this long again between seeing him. I know this is teaching me patience and it's only been like eighty days since I saw him last. It's just driving this girl nuts....<br />Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-29584875132832502212011-11-10T19:12:00.000-08:002011-11-10T19:12:23.544-08:00Thursday Night RambleThat was kind of weird.
I'm sitting here at work, at our motel, with my feet up on the counter, thinking about how I should stay on top of my blogging and my foot bumped my computer. When it woke up it was on this blog posting page, so....... I guess this is what I'm supposed to be doing tonight.
What I really want to do is get consumed by the Real World, because it takes no brain power to watch. I just did put this post on pause to watch some twenty four year olds make out, like I care..... I seriously don't watch TV unless I'm here. I don't get it, because I become as obsessed as the rest of you when I start to watch.... And there is this rumor that my sister is newly obsessed with Gossip Girl. Really? I've never seen it, so...... No judging....
So where am I today. It was actually sunny out, so that was good. I went for a run, so I feel accomplished. I found this new sweet app for my iphone called MyFitnessPal, which tracks your calories and exercise, it's awesome and I find myself obsessing over that, but also eating better because I'm forced to record every little thing I ate, including the 50 cents I spent at the candy machine. Damn M&M's.
Wait... the show is back on. I'll be right back.
Okay, thank God that's over! I'll probably get sucked into next weeks episode, because I'll BE HERE! Shoot. Stupid TV. It's controlling my life.
So, as I attempt to not waste time on silliness, like reality tv, I've been trying to sort out where I'm headed in my life. Is it weird that I picture myself as a mom someday? Is that too far fetched for a 30 year old to still think like that? I hope not. I was eavesdropping on a conversation in the locker room at the gym, and a woman, who teaches a baby swimming class, was talking about how she had several first time moms in their mid thirties.
Sweet. It is possible. I'm not too old, yet.... Now, how do I get a sperm donation from my prisoner? Just fucking with you! Ha! And that's only because I have a friend who keeps teasing me about that. Yeah right. I'm crazy, but please, give me a little credit here. I definitely want to be a mom some day, and it does feel good knowing that I think I'll be ready to be a parent, when the time comes.
I also see myself as a published author. I'm throwing that one out there. I know I need to work on developing my writing skills and figure out exactly what it is that I want to write about. Steamy romance novel? lol. Probably not, just sorting out how to start this. Should I go back to school? Would that be to my advantage? I have no idea. I'm just hoping that what is supposed to happen with happen the way that it should. I'll figure it out.
I'm surrendering, remember? I'm trying to let things happen, but that can be a little hard for someone who wants immediate gratification.... Something else I'm learning, patience. If that's not what I'm getting out of waiting for the man I want to be with, who may or may not be incarcerated for the next three years, then I must just be crazy. I've never wanted to be with someone so badly, but I know in my heart that we wont be together until I've sorted my life out. I want to prove to myself that I can do a few things. Survive on my own, that's numero uno. Get myself out of the debt I've created and be able to financially do the things I want with the money I've earned. It's a harsh reality, but at least I'm learning this while I'm young and not when I'm fifty. It's a invaluable lesson, learning how to do things on my own, but I'm thankful that I was given this opportunity,
There is a reason for all of this. I'm not sure what yet, but I will eventually. I just know it.
And that's my ramble.Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-43311203340753730352011-11-07T19:29:00.000-08:002011-11-08T20:26:52.538-08:00Surrender<blockquote>"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become"</blockquote><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNCuQI8RP4CIsVoWUp2dFHZ5egbWcqtY8VL3HJcuzv4rvG1t0Re3mnTtNafa6Wye68Fj0TbZ5RBnnyEweC4EyCrCEFjnb7SjI_tTddjmynn42qWiHGc6Y22VV6xC2lUHB7G1BQQhbjDl5a/s1600/snow+day.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="240" width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNCuQI8RP4CIsVoWUp2dFHZ5egbWcqtY8VL3HJcuzv4rvG1t0Re3mnTtNafa6Wye68Fj0TbZ5RBnnyEweC4EyCrCEFjnb7SjI_tTddjmynn42qWiHGc6Y22VV6xC2lUHB7G1BQQhbjDl5a/s320/snow+day.JPG" /></a></div><br />
AND.... I'm back. Not that I was ever gone, but once again I have lost my way. This is a more hypothetical "lost", but for some reason I've written at least three blogs that I either, never finished, never posted or frankly went missing, so here I am trying again. I really want to make a habit of writing more, but I get stuck in this monotony where I don't think anyone would really care what is going on in my life. I am constantly reminded, that for some silly reason, people want to read what I write... so.... here goes a completely unplanned, unorganized blog.<br />
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Wish me luck.<br />
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My last two, unsuccessful, blogs were about how much I have been crying. For some reason I don't think I'm meant to talk about that too much, so I'm going to try another approach, even though I don't know what that approach might be yet. I had been questioning why I was getting so upset over certain things that were going on in my life involving "the ex". Whether I like it or not, I think I have emotions towards the reality of seeing him with another woman, he was a big part of my life for over ten years.... OR maybe it's the idea that he keeps blatanly lying to my face about things, which DRIVES ME ABSOLUTELY CRAZY. I think it's more the lying then the fact that he's with a woman. That's all I'm going to say on that subject, I "let it go" last week. I have to accept the things I cannot change. The only thing I really wish to change is the fact that I continue to cry over everything.... but that's me. I've always been a cryer, so if it bugs you when occasionally I sob in public, stop staring. <br />
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On to bigger and better things. <br />
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I woke up yesterday in what I like to call a "dark" mood. Maybe it was the weather.... Montana is now in a new season, I like to call it the beginning of "the very long winter", where it's cold as hell, and gloomy 5 out of the 7 days in a week, or more. Not exactly the happiest place to be, but here we are, for the next least 6 months. I at least have the prospect of going to visit Eric in Arizona soon, thank God, or I might go stir crazy. The weather man said that we have below average lows right now and it should continue through the entirety of our winter. Awesome. I can't wait. I have a hard enough time being happy when the sun is out... This is when I need to remind myself to go for a run.<br />
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I'm serious. No matter what mood I'm in, no matter how frustrated I am with my life or how things feel like they just aren't going my way, I go for a run and everything changes. I know I've said this before and I'm probably repeating myself, but I cannot express enough how important it is to find that one thing that will ALWAYS make you feel better. Eric has told me time and time again to go on a run when I'm complaining about hating life and he's right. Sometimes I don't even want to do it, but I've never regretted forcing myself to lace up my shoes and head outside. Rain, sun, snow and ice, life become simple once again.<br />
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I can breath!!!!!!!!!<br />
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This all comes back around to the idea of surrendering. I've been contemplating my upcoming tattoo that I want to get. My very first tattoo. My father has held it over my sister and I's head for years that he would take us out of the "will" if we were ever to get a tattoo. I respect him for making us think twice, when we were younger. Because of that man I do not have any ridiculous tattoos, and boy did I have some GOOD ideas back when I was eighteen. Thank God my dad had me convinced that I would never become anything in my life, so I'd have to depend on this "will"..... I'm done with that. I'm finished being bossed around and told what to do in every aspect of my life. He can be my "boss" at work, but as far as anything else.... sorry dad. I guess I am thirty... I suppose I should quit wanting my parents to pay for certain things, I am an adult, but I think a part of every parent/child relationship is for them to always pay for your meal.... right? :) I'm trying to be funny mom. I know you are reading this. I do love my parents. I'm just done with the "if you get a tattoo, you lose your inheritance" threat.<br />
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I've been very hesitant to get a tattoo (I know, I used my own free will, incredible, right?) but I had a friend, with tattoos, who mentioned how each tattoo he has reminds him of where he was in his life at the time. I like the idea of that and I really feel as if I've made some HUGE changes in my life. Don't worry, Bat-shit-crazy-Kristal isn't around, so she wont be getting a gigantic heart "tramp stamp" with Kristal + Eric = LOVE written across my back, although the thought has crossed my mind. Wouldn't that be a shocker? I'm not getting Eric's prison number tattooed on my inner arm, although the thought of that makes me laugh. It does sound kind of sexy, for like a moment, and then I think, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, who is this girl that has taken over my body??" What am I thinking? And why am I sharing this with god knows who? I guess to keep me honest. Honesty is the best policy.<br />
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I'm wandering. Okay. Surrender. Where was I? I have no idea.<br />
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At first I was thinking about getting the entire Serenity Prayer <blockquote>"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." </blockquote>-but I didn't like the idea that it's a very prevalent prayer in Alcoholics Anonymous. (side note) I'm refusing to admit that I'm an alcoholic, I don't like that title, okay, "I'm Kristal, and I can't hold my liquor" or "Hi, my name is Kristal and I'm a terrible drunk". Those are more fitting. Hey, I'm just being honest. I realized during my third AA meeting, when a very aggressive woman told me that I needed a sponsor AND I needed to attend 90 meetings in 90 days that I didn't have the problem everyone was trying to convince me that I had.<br />
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"My name is Kristal, and I make REALLY bad decisions when I drink." There's another one. These are more fitting, they really are. I did learn allot from the few meetings I attended, but that's not what this blog is about. So, back to the prayer that I liked. I started thinking about what I liked about the prayer. Accepting the things I cannot change. That is my new "mantra". Ask my sister. I've been annoying her with that & every-time I get frustrated with something you hear me say it, and it works! I swear! Or at least I want it to work, so it works. Either way, it works for me. Accepting the things that I cannot change has been HUGE, but as I thought about it, it's been more about me letting go of everything that I know, everything that I'm comfortable with and surrendering myself to let things happen, without reason and suddenly it all falls into place.<br />
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That's what happened to me last January. Little did I know, I was starting to surrender. I was in so much emotional pain that I no longer knew where to turn, so I stopped doing what I was doing and let it all go. I surrendered to the fear of the unknown. Now that I've done that, things are ever so slowly starting to happen the way they were supposed to, not how everyone else had planned. So, we will have to just wait and see if I actually get a tattoo in a few weeks. Right now I'm seriously thinking of getting this word, surrender, permanently placed somewhere on my body as a reminder of everything this year has meant to me, everything I've gone through and most of all, what I'm learning about myself. It's no one elses life and for now I'm not sure exactly where my path is headed, but it's a good feeling knowing that I'm at least going in the right direction. One step closer towards my destiny. ;)Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-75256096133294227422011-10-20T16:26:00.000-07:002011-10-20T16:34:05.601-07:00Introducing White Falcon<blockquote>"All great changes are preceded by chaos"</blockquote><br />
I've been blog slacking! Well, it's kind of funny and ironic, because I was about to blog about being annoyed with my car, only to discover this half finished blog from several weeks ago.....<br />
<br />
(From 10/04/11)<br />
Well, hopefully my carless days are over. After weeks of waiting and looking for the perfect "affordable" car, I've finally got something. My ultimate goal was to get into something quick, without a car payment. This means an old car, with high miles. Not the greatest feeling in the world, to go from a car from this decade to one that's nearly three times as old, with over 200,000 miles. YIKES, but as long as this 96' 4Runner gets me through the winter, I'll be happy.<br />
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Surprisingly, I found it on craigslist. I think it might have been for sale for a few months, because when I saw the ad, the price had been reduced. hmmmmmm.... worth looking at. A bit of a lemon, but with a little work I can have this thing in tip-toppish shape. It only needs a new window, a stereo, brakes, and front seat (stuck in recline, in the farthest back position - just doesn't work for this shorty), not to mention some serious DEEP CLEANING. I went through deep clean, phase one, last night, and it is looking better. I also started my search for a new front seat yesterday. A tedious task of calling the local wreck yards and seeing if they had the right one. I learned that the 96' model 4Runner was a new body style, so nothing older than that would work. Boo!!!! I found seats that were in excellent shape, but the hardware was wrong. That was at the junkyard in Bonner. Those guys were super helpful, but suggested I call the Russians.<br />
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The Russians?<br />
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You heard me, and that's exactly what I said when they suggested I call them. I was told that they had a junkyard and would quite possibly have many Toyotas to choose from.... that was yesterday.<br />
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So, today, I wake up in good spirits. It's pouring rain, but that's okay, because I have a car now and I don't have to depend on anyone. I covered all of my bases yesterday and updated the licensing and insurance. I could legally drive my car. I decided to get into town early, and take the Pattee Canyon route, just to see how the car (or is it a truck.....) drove. As I was heading through town, down Higgins, I noticed the brakes grinding a bit, and so I was very much distracted by them as I came over the Higgins street bridge, nearly running a light, but decided to slam on my brakes to see how they sounded. That's when I saw the motorcycle cop, waiting out in front of the Macy's building, getting situated to ruin somebodies day. Suckers.<br />
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As the light turned green, the bike cop pulls into the right lane and stops traffic because he slows down. Hmmmmmmm. There is no way I'm being pulled over. I pass him, hesitantly, but also trying to look as un-guilty as possible. I am driving to work. This is totally legal, even with a provisional license. It doesn't matter what I do now, if there is a cop, I feel guilty. Sure enough, the cop pulls behind me and turns his lights on as I turn onto Main Street.<br />
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Great. Just great. Not only does this just suck. I feel like a fool, because I still have a broken seat and I look like an asshole because my backpack is propped up behind me so I can reach the pedals. Apparently I was speeding. 36 in a 25. Whoops. I've never been pulled over for speeding before. NEVER. And now that I have a restricted license, I get pulled over. Awesomeness. Great. I'm just happy I woke up in a good mood today. <br />
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When I got to work I called the Russians. Fedan was his name and he was very helpful. He told me to come out to the yard in the afternoon, which I did, but with my father. You can't go visiting Russians alone. This is common knowledge. I probably sound racist, but if you are from Missoula, you've heard about the Russians being involved with stolen cars, so it's hard not to stereotype them, especially when the guys at the other wreck yard tell you that they had to stop doing business with these Russians because they were taking stolen vehicles and putting other vin numbers on them and selling them...... <br />
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That's as far as I got, HA!<br />
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(We are back to our current date :)<br />
What about the Russians? I ended up getting a seat that almost matches identically, from the Russians, for $60. I now know how to install a seat, so if you need help. I'm just saying. After that, I decided to change my own oil, since I now know how to do that, only to spend two hours trying to get the G D filter off, and failing. When I walked into my house, my roommate was real insistent that I take a picture for Eric, but I wouldn't allow it. I was COVERED in oil, from head to toe. HOW? I have no idea. Pure frustration I guess is a magnet to dirt and oil when you are a little girl under a car struggling to do something herself.... No thank you. I'm over trying to change the oil on my own. I did successfully change the battery, which died two weeks into my ownership. :( A bit of a lemon, but only because of it's age, if there's one thing about toyotas, they will last if you take care of them! I also ultimately had to get the brakes fixed, so now I've pumped in another $500 into this rig, which, honestly, I absolutely LOVE. I do. I was meant to have an SUV. Never again will I drive an old lady car. You have my word!<br />
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As for my speeding ticket, that cost me $84. I wont get into it. It's kind of a sore subject, but that's over and done with, now can we please just move one without any more "incidents". Cody teased me about my speeding ticket, only to get one of his own the very next day. Karma? Maybe. :)<br />
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Here's me crossing my fingers that I make it through the winter with this blessed beast.... I've been told It needs a name.... White Falcon? Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-38944518438560972812011-10-05T08:50:00.001-07:002011-10-05T08:52:17.392-07:00<blockquote> "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." - unknown</blockquote>
It's been another set of interesting days.... Sunday I ran the Blue Mountain 30k, which for those of you who don't know, is 18.6 miles, but to make it easier, we are going to call it 19 miles. I ran 19 miles on Sunday. I ran up 3,600 feet to the top of a mountain, and then back down. Okay okay, I'll be honest, I walked little parts of it and I didn't do it alone. I had a very close friend of mine help me get through this, while endouring her own physical pain. This isn't easy people, and for me, this was such a significant goal to accomplish. I did the same run last year. I weighed a solid twenty pounds more, was still married, and didn't consider myself a runner. Last year it took me a grueling 5 hours. Last year I came in dead last. This year was different. I was hoping to beat my time, but after the car accident, I allowed myself to be happy just finishing again. Even if I were dead last. I was going to be okay with that.
The race started at 8:30, at The Peak, and as the group of 100 racers started to climb the hill, we began to spread out. By the time we reached the trailhead, the elite runners were long gone, but surprisingly, we weren't dead last. I sort of expected it to happen. Last year I got behind right in the beginning and was passed by the old lady around mile nine, which was a little discouraging. I'm not a sore loser, and I'm not competitive, so it wasn't the end of the world to be last... But still. I was determined to at least finish second to last this day..... As we continued to climb, people started to slow down to a hike. We did a great job keeping our 'slow jog' going for the first six miles, passing the hikers one at a time. Even an uncompetative girl enjoys passing people. :). I remember getting to the top where we cold take in our first view of the valley and thinking about how last year I could see the sweepers catching up with me. Sweepers are the people who come at the end, making sure there isn't anyone lying dead on the trail. That's how slow I was last year..... They were clipping at my heels the whole time. Not this time. As I looked down the hill I saw people that were actually in this race with me. As I looked ahead of me, same thing, there were people. I wasn't last, I was in the middle of the pack. It might have been the back of the pack, pack, but still!
The whole race I felt stronger then I had a year ago. I kept thinking about how far I have come in this past year. I've had such a crazy year. If you would have told me a year ago that a year from then I'd be divorced, dating an incarcerated felon, totaled my car in a life threatening accident, adopted a second dog, had a roommate, gotten a DUI, stopped drinking, among so many other small changes in my life, I would have laughed at you.
Yeah right. Not this girl. She doesn't take chances. Life was safe back then. Not the greatest or happiest, but safe.
I finished the race 50 minutes faster then last year. Now that's progress. No? I'm still a little in shock, when my friend Mandy suggested we try to run the race in 4 hours I laughed at her, but as we crossed that finish line in 4 hours, 9 minutes, I started to believe in myself a little bit more. This is awesome!
I can't wait for next years 30k. I'll actually get to train properly for it. Who knows where I will be then. I CAN'T WAIT!Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-4077530070400474572011-10-01T16:29:00.001-07:002011-10-01T16:29:29.192-07:00The Dreaded Act ClassAs I sat in night two of my Act class, I looked around wondering who would be back in here? The likelyhood is pretty high, there are already 5 or 6 repeat offenders, some with their 3rd DUI.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Obviously, there is something very messed up going on here. A girl I've met in class, who is there on her 3rd DUI charge, wearing an ankle bracelet, informed me that the last Act class she took, they weren't even required to stay, they just signed in and left. Nice. What a messed up system we have. No wonder no one gets it.....
Those were my thoughts from a few days ago, but now that I'm done, I do have to say, I got something from that class. I now know that I have a problem. After I based a judgement on a girl I didn't even know, who had multiple DUI's, I sat back and thought about my own life. If I hadn't been lucky, I could have been on my fourth DUI by now. That's how many times I was pulled over, before I got in trouble for it. See what I mean about not learning my lesson?
The first time was late one night, or early one morning more like it, after being at the bars, and driving through Taco Bell (you know you've done it), I was pulled over by a cop as I drove the back road behind the UM campus. As the
cop walked up to the window, a friend in the backseat, not so quietly said, "oh shit, breathalyzer!" Jesus Christ "friend" shut up! lol She knows who she is..... and has struggled with many of the same alcohol related problems that I've been dealing with, and I'd say we are closer then ever. The cop ended up letting me off the hook and telling us to walk back to our rooms. We had lied and told him we lived in the dorms. Whoops. I think we ended up walking our one friend back to their room and then returning to the car thirty minutes later, just to get behind the wheel (still drunk) and drive home.
I think the second time I was pulled over I was living at my parents house again (I may have been the first time), which means, I was underage.... All three of my prior "pull overs" where I should have been arrested, I wasn't even 21 yet.... This is what happens when you start drinking at the age of 15. I even had strict parents, which may have made me more defiant, because I wanted to prove to everyone that I was as bad as they made me out to be, and more (because I got away with more...) So, the second time I get pulled over, I was about a half mile from the Pattee Canyon turn off when I saw that lights. The cop ended up knowing my dad. So, instead of arresting me, he thinks he's doing me a favor (which, actually, he was enabling me..... teaching me that I can get out of things) he takes me to the gas station and calls my parents. It was embarrassing, but I can't say in either of these instances did I learn anything from it. I never remember thinking, "I'll never drink and drive again." Nope. Never even crossed my mind.
The third time, still underage, it was after bar time and I ran a stop sign. I had just gotten my tongue pierced and I thought that if I chugged the bottle of mouth wash (alcohol based, I know....) before I rolled down my window. The cop never even asked if I had been drinking, just gave me a ticket for running the sign and sent me on my drunk little way. So I guess what I'm getting at..... I had my chances. I had many chances to never do this again, but I didn't learn. I promise you, and myself even more, I've learned my lesson. This last one was the lesson I needed to straighten myself out. I obviously have a problem.
I'm an alcoholic. I'm not the kind who wakes up and needs a drink, although I've done it.... Hair of the dog anyone? Who doesn't like a bloody mary or a mimosa (my all time favorite Vegas "poolside" drink)? The scariest thing is admitting this to myself. I am having a terrible time wrapping my head around the fact that I wont ever have another glass of wine on my deck or a beer with Mexican food. That's an indicator that I have a problem right there. I associate certain drinks with certain activities. Beer to me = football, friday night happy hour, mexican food, a reward after a long run, concerts..... Wine? hmmm I guess I would associate that with ladies night, a good meal and a way to wind down after work.... on the deck, of course. It's hard to imagine not using my stemless wine glasses for what they are made for.... ever again. But, at the same time, it's not something I want right now. That's sort of a lie. I say to myself I don't want it. I even feel like it's the last thing I want, but that's because I know what the consequences could be if I did drink, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about it. I do. I think about it ALL THE TIME. Why is it, when there is something you can't have, you want it even more?
I think I explained what I learned from my Act class best when I wrote an e-mail to Eric on Wednesday night. I'm just going to include it in the blog because I think it's very relevant...
I wanted to tell you about class. For once, I got something out of it. I learned quite a few things. There are 4 phases to becoming an alcoholic..... There are phases 1, 2 and 3, where each higher number phase = making more high risk choices, but most people can keep themselves in phase 1 or 2, where they can control their consumption of alcohol. Phase 4 is where you can't control when you are going to lose control..... There is way more to it, and I'll have the book with me tomorrow (we have to leave it at the end of class, but we get to take it tomorrow). If you are a phase 4 drinker, the only way to avoid "incidents"..... you guessed it, abstinence.... and guess where this girl falls....... Phase 4 :( There was this list of 12 yes or no questions that we had to answer (again, I don't have the book.... but), I had answered yes to all but 2 of the questions, and I glanced over at the dude next to me, he had answered no to most of them. Fuck.
Can I really be an alcoholic? Could this really be happening to me at age thirty? Do I really have to quit for the rest of my life?? My brain cant quite wrap itself around this concept, so for now we are going with the one year goal, (one month down...) and maybe by then I wont think about it, but I do right now. I think about having a glass of wine, how nice it would be to just sit on the deck, it's not going to harm anyone if I'm at home, right? Just that thought alone is a sign that I have a problem. A phase 1 person can take it or leave it.... a phase 4 person looks forward to that drink, and gets upset when they can't have that. I can't tell you how many times I'd be at a bar and forgotten my ID, and when they wouldn't serve me I'd get pissed off.... It shouldn't fucking matter.... I shouldn't care if I had a drink or not. I shouldn't feel the need for it.
I have beer in my fridge. Just to prove to myself I don't need it. A phase 1 2 or 3 person doesn't feel the need to prove anything to anyone..... but a phase 4 person.... yep. Just when I thought this class was a complete joke, I started to get it. Wow. After we figured out what phase we were at we had to answer a few questions. How does it make you feel? I feel sad. I feel frustrated with this situation that I put MYSELF in. I feel pathetic. I feel like a failure to my family. I feel a tiny little bit lost.... But all that being said, I feel hopeful. I feel as if life can only get better from here on out, right? I mean there is a reason that I'm figuring this out at a young age, and hopefully I wont be back in that class in my 60s..... like a few folks in there.
We watched some videos that interviewed real people who had killed friends, strangers, whoever, in drunk driving accidents and we had to talk about it afterwards. I was SHOCKED by the amount of people in the class who had been in accidents more than once. WHAT? Are you kidding me? There is proof right there that it could happen again, and that's what scares me the most. There is a girl in my class who's (as she said) "love of her life" got in a drunk driving accident and died of hypothermia. I think everyone there knows of people who have died in alcohol related crashes, and did any of us learn from that, NOPE. More proof, that you have to learn from your own mistakes.... and some people don't learn. It's sad, really.
The truth will set me free. I know in my heart that this is all true about myself, but it's painful... The good news is. I'd say 99.9% of the friends I have, I can socialize with outside of drinking, and would support me for not drinking. The counselor was talking about how allot of alcoholics, when they sober up, have to get a whole new set of friends, so I feel blessed that I'm not THAT bad off. Drunk Kristal just can't come out anymore. She may seem fun in the beginning, but she's got a dark side so she wont be making it to the party, sorry. I doubt anyone will even notice she's gone. You know why? Because sober Kristal is pretty rad herself, and she's finding herself again....
That's another thing. Something called State Dependency, when we drink, we learn certain things and then we only are good at these skills when we are drinking. For instance, I'm pretty good at pool, when I'm drunk. Sober.... nope. I suck. I was discussing this with Sam, she's un beatable at beer pong, when she's drunk, but not as good when she's sober. When I asked her if she learned to play when she was drunk, she was like, "probably". Allot of men learn to pick up women, when they are drunk, but when they are sober they are super shy and don't know how to talk to girls.....
There's more that I learned about myself and even things that relate to the demise of my marriage, SO MUCH MORE, but unfortunately only those closest to me will be forced to listen to those things.... As for now, I'm glad that's done and over with. I did learn quite a bit and I don't ever plan on being back there. Tomorrow is a new day for me, a new beginning as I run my first race since my car accident.... Just barely one month later. No matter the end result, I feel blessed that I am healthy and able to run the Blue Mountain 30k! The greatest thing is, I can't remember a race I've ever ran where I haven't drank ANY alcohol for a full month before. I'm the girl who can run a half marathon hungover.... Can you believe I used to be proud of that fact?
Wish me luck!
K
Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-40548245303909943452011-09-25T20:30:00.001-07:002011-09-25T20:30:24.494-07:00Path to my next raceIn about a week, I will be running the Blue Mountain 30k. This is an important race to me, not only did I run it last year, and come in dead last, but it will be a great accomplishment for me after my 'close call' a month ago. The fact that I have come so far in just a few weeks, amazes me. I actually considered not running the race, but my friend Mandy said it would give me something to live for (lol, Jesus! She's a comedian....not really, but.) and Eric pointed out that I was in better shape then I was a year ago, regardless of the wreck.... They were both right. I need to do this run to prove to myself that I am moving forward. I feel like I am, but it's time for some evidence.
I set out on my last long training run today (15 miles) unsure about how I would feel when I got done. I still have aches and pains on my left side, which was the side where the car hit the ground. When I did a ten miler a few weeks ago, I noticed a new ache in my left knee, so I have been very careful. I know I wont be sure about any permanent damage from this wreck for years maybe, I am still picking glass out of my arm, believe it or not, but I figure since I haven't had anything too horrible happen yet, maybe I really did get lucky. Just this once. I know that I didn't deserve this and I wont take it for granted. There was a reason my life was spared, I'm just not sure why yet. It's hard not to question that, but I have faith that I will have an answer some day.
So as I headed out the door, I did what I do for every run, I told myself that it was going to be the best run I had ever had. It's amazing how giving yourself positive reinforcement can give you exactly what you need for something to work out in your favor. I've been using this method for over a year, and yes, some runs are harder then others, but I've never regretted going. I did wake up with what I thought were allergies, stuffy nose, sore throat, so right before I left the house, I popped some Benadryl. I figured, when it set in, I'd be too far away from my house to turn around. Yep. My legs felt like bricks at about 3 miles. Whoops. Well, lesson learned, I wont be doing that on race day.
The route I took was heading from my house towards East Missoula, past where I wrecked my car, it's a nice reminder for me on a daily basis. At about mile 4, I hit the tracks and headed towards the Kim Williams trail. Don't worry, I don't run alone, I had my trusty partner, Shelby, the best German Shepard ever! (well, my mom might say something about that.... lol) She makes me feel safe on all my runs. We continued down the Kim Williams trail to the base of Mount Sentinel. My halfway point. This is where I ran into an obstacle. I have a mental block that has kept me from being able to run the M trail. For some reason, maybe it's because I've hiked that trail more times then I could ever count, from the time I was first able to walk, so I've never been able to run it. I told myself today, that I was going to overcome this block. And I did. It wasn't even that hard, what the hell has my problem been? I don't know, and as a man who looked like he was 60, but was probably pushing 90 passed me, I thought, 'I want to be like him when I get older.' As he passed me, I stopped to let him go by and said, "man, you're kicking my ass."
His response, "I'm trying to." and then he motioned for me to follow and try to keep up. Yeah. That didn't happen. lol. But he was inspiring, that's for sure. I made it past the M and headed down the fire line trail, again passed by someone else. When I get passed, I have to remind myself, that A: They probably just started their run, where I was nearly 9 miles into mine and B: When I pass someone it feels good, so let them pass me, let them feel good. I'm sure I passed 30 people on the M trail, so there! I can't beat everyone, that's fine, I'm slowly striving to get better. I doesn't help that I'm probably the most un-competitive person you will ever meet. Totally cool with coming in last.
My run took me over three hours, which may seem slow to some people, but for me, I finished what I started and as I hobbled up the hill behind my parents house, I felt a sense of relief.
'Phew! I think I can run 18 miles next week.'
I never allow myself to feel defeated during the run, but boy, looking back, that was hard. I only hope that today's run will make next weeks seem not so bad. I also need to remind myself that this time last year, the week before the 30k I hadn't ran more then 13 miles..... I've made so much progress in a year! Whoo Hoo!
No matter what the distance, I always have a point in my run where I am in a euphoric stage, and I can wrap my mind around my life. It's the best remedy when you have questions you can't seem to answer.... Go on a run.
Stay tuned for my upcoming blogs! I start my court required Act classes this week! I'm sure it will be interesting.Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-12992346297343105462011-09-20T17:45:00.001-07:002011-09-20T17:45:23.440-07:00Jail time served.....Where do I even start? I guess the beginning. I'm not sure if I have already written about my "sentencing". When I went to court a few weeks ago to face my DUI charges, I was sentenced to one day in jail. GREAT. The receptionist informed me that is was no worse than, "big kid time out", whatever the hell that means. I had to call the phone number they gave me, and make a "reservation" for my stay. I was informed that I had to go to the pre-release center, next to the jail, and it would cost me $75, cash.<br />
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What can I say. I wasn't looking forward to my day in jail. I had no idea what to expect. The guy on the phone told me I could bring a book, and they would supply me with clothing to wear. I'm not real sure what the whole point of this was, but I had to do it. Is it just me, or is this the first time you've EVER heard of this? I have friends with DUI's. Either no one talks about it, or this is a new thing..... OR it has something to do with the fact that I was in the hospital instead of jail the night of the accident. I don't know. What I do know, is when I was shamefully dropped off by my mother, since I have no car, and my bike tire went flat (that's another story), I was fighting back tears. This was humiliating.<br />
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So, I found my way to the pre-release center at 9 am, Wednesday morning, and hit the buzzer, notifying them that I was at the counter. Low and behold, it's a familiar face who appears before me. I have no idea his name, but I KNOW he went to school with me. One of those faces you've seen in the hallways of every school you ever went to since elementary.... this couldn't get much worse. He never said anything about me looking familiar. I still have my married name, so maybe he didn't recognize me. That's fine. I don't want to be recognized. He takes me up a flight of stairs and checks me in, asking me all sorts of ridiculous questions. 'Are you suicidal?' - um, if I was, I wouldn't be admitting to that. Then when he fingerprinted me, I managed to put my left thumb in the spot that said right thumb..... I was nervous, okay? The most ridiculous part is the left thumb spot is on the left side of the paper, and the right side is on the right..... I somehow managed to screw that one up. This is me in real life. I don't make this up!<br />
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After finagling with this fellow, he said "no" to the Ipad, but he did allow me to not only bring my book, but also a magazine, a notebook and a pen. Little did I know, there would be pens and pencils and a whole closet filled with magazines that dated back to 1995 and books with the covers ripped off. No one tells you about these added bonuses. Before I went into lock up, there was one more thing. My outfit. It was lovely. I had to change from my skinny jeans and tank top, to this beautiful ensemble of mustard yellow sweat pants, with the elastic around the bottoms, my absolute favorite (that's sarcasm) and a sweet matching t-shirt with "MDC - Missoula Detention Center" in large black letters across the back, just in case I tried to escape, there would be no mistaking where I belonged. <br />
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I was escorted to a small room, actually it was fairly spacious, considering it had, two bunk beds, a metal closet and a table with four chairs. There was also an adjoining bathroom with a door. I had allowed my imagination to think the very worst, so I was picturing a barren room with beds and a toilet in the corner. You can thank the "prison" lifestyle, I've become a little to familiar with, for that one.... It was about the quality of a clean, but cheap, motel. I was informed that if I really needed to, I could get out, but only if there was a fire drill, and the door would be locked from the outside and only people with keys could get in. That's good news, because honestly, I don't trust any of these former criminals in the pre-release center. Sorry. My familiar faced classmate shut the door, and I was left alone, for the next 24 hours.<br />
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Alone?! I know, right? I guess at times this room could hold four people at once, and I don't know if that would have been a blessing or a curse. If they were people like me, I would have been entertained, but what if it had been some lunatic? I think I'm better off by myself..... So what did I do? Well, I spent the first two hours reading. My friend had suggested a book "A Stolen Life" by Jaycee D.....something, it's the autobiography of that girl who was kidnapped when she was 11 and held captive for 18 years. Incredible story. Thank you Leslie and Sam for letting me borrow the book. It made me feel less sorry for myself. Life could be so much worse. At least that's what I was thinking until they brought me my lunch. P U K E. I'm sorry, but it's almost as if they INTENTIONALLY make it inedible. They bring your food on a tray, with a lid, so you get excited, because it smells kind of good, and I was starving since I was unsure about the bathroom situation, I didn't eat much that morning. I take the lid off to find a hoagie roll, that had been microwaved or something, since the bread was rock hard and inside it were these huge slices of roast beef....<br />
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"Excuse me, I ordered the vegetarian jailbird meal...."<br />
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On top of the meat was this lovely nacho cheese sauce, that even I wouldn't put on my nachos, and onions. GROSS. To top it all off, they gave me Au Ju (spelling?) to dip it in..... Probably to soften up the bread. It was f'ing sick. There was also a concoction of broccoli, several types of bean and onions, french fries and a lovely spoonful of what looked like instant vanilla pudding, set right on top of my fries. Really? There was no effort in aim here. Thanks guys, that was delicious. I see why I had to pay you 75 dollars to sit in this room, so you could feed me shit. Did I tell you I was on a diet? <br />
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Seriously. The excitement of my day was the disappointing meals they served me. After lunch, I took a nap, where I had this terrible nightmare that I ran over my dog. I was woken up (the first of many) by the jingling of keys opening the door to take away the remnants of my lunch. A little while later I was awoken again when someone came in with a clock. This was both good and bad. I was happy to know what time it was (12:30), great, only 20 1/2 more hours, but I soon took notice to the very loud ticking noise. If there is one thing I HATE, it's a clock with a loud second hand. Ask my mother, I'm pretty sure I have removed batteries out of her clocks more than once when I've slept at her house, usually forgetting to replace it in the morning. When I hear the clock ticking, it's the only thing I can focus on and pretty soon I can't even THINK. TICK TICK TICK TICK.<br />
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I did manage to fall asleep again, until about 3 and when I woke, I had an epiphany..... I put the clock in the bathroom and shut the door. Duh. That only took four hours to figure out.... I finished my book around five, had another terrible meal, and sat around for the next few hours being bored out of my mind until it was finally dark out. It was sort of a restless long night, and every time I fell asleep I'd be rudely woken up by the door opening and someone checking on me. I'm not going anywhere people.....<br />
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Around 6 am they brought me breakfast..... Another wasted meal. It's like they went out of their way to overcook the eggs. Yuck. Is this where cooks go for their first job or something? I don't get it..... I finally got up around 8, took a quick shower and then sat around, waiting, and waiting..... It was finally 9:05 when I got the courage to stick my head out the door and ask the guy at the desk if I could have my clothes back. A woman came in a few minutes later, whoops, no one knew I was in here. Awesome. Someone knew i was there, because they brought me breakfast, but at that point I didn't even want to waste my breath even mentioning that. Get me the hell out of here!<br />
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All in all, my 24 hour stay wasn't a waste. I now know that I probably wouldn't make it in real jail, or prison for a long period of time and I honestly don't know how people do it..... Another humbling experience to add to my list of things I never want to experience again. Thanks, but no thanks. I get it. I've got it. Wont be getting myself in that pickle again!Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-76886443184241769242011-09-10T10:38:00.001-07:002011-09-10T10:38:53.392-07:00Life in the bike lane.....<br />
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Well, it's day four back in the "real world" and also day four of depending solely on my parents and my own bike to get my butt to and from work. I also received an "impromptu" ride home from a friend when I was straight up stranded. :) Thank God for friends and family.<br />
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I am learning that I actually do enjoy riding my bike. I've spent the whole summer with intentions of riding my bike, but never giving myself enough time (I need forty minutes to get to work, plus a little time to change...), and now I don't have any other choice. The only thing that has bothered me, is my backpack isn't big enough to carry all the things that I think I "need" to bring with me to work AND it gets so heavy that my injured shoulder starts to hurt a little, so I need to work on that. I'm going to go look for some fancy little saddlebags for my road bike today when I get off of work. <br />
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I'm also learning, that while riding your bike, not only do you need to be cautious of vehicles, but also other bikers who aren't paying attention. I was nearly taken out by someone who went from the sidewalk to the bike lane, without even looking. She knew I was behind her, and catching up, because she cut me off when she turned onto the street and then pedaled like hell until she got to the sidewalk. From the sidewalk, she crossed intersections without looking for cars and I witnessed her almost get hit by one. She decided to jump from the sidewalk to the bike lane when she encountered a pedestrian. YEP, didn't even look in my direction. Really? Oh well, I'm sure I scared the shit out of her when, not even a second after she nearly knocked me off the road (if I hadn't been paying attention), I passed her. That's right. I'm not the type to get road rage and give her a piece of my mind, although, CLEARLY someone needs to. I'm just hoping it surprised her enough to maybe think to look next time. Just because you are wearing a helmet doesn't necessarily mean you are safe. <br />
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So besides feeling like I'm back in high school, I don't mind the bike riding. Catching the occasional ride from my parents, or my neighbors (that sounds more mature) isn't all that bad either. My dad has this great idea to buy this old Ambulance from a friend for $500 and letting me drive that around. AWESOME. Let's add insult to injury. Can you imagine? I would be mortified. He does have plans to convert the ambulance into a delivery van for our store, with one of those advertising wraps. I would gladly drive that, but the ambulance just sound embarrassing. Then again, it would be a constant reminder. This is what should happen when you do something stupid, you should have to be called out on it again and again. I do deserve to be recognized for acting like a moron. I get it. All I can do now is laugh about it, and hurdle these obstacles, then move on, right?<br />
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I finally had the pleasure to talk to the man who called 911 the night of my accident, Ted. He was up there because him and his girlfriend (wife?) had been driving on a nearby road, trying to see if they could see the fire in Bonner. Wow, I've never been so grateful for a forrest fire. If he hadn't driven by, I honestly do not know how long it would have been before someone else drove by. Talking to Ted sort of gave me some closure. I think he was as happy to talk to me as I was him and I have a feeling that wont be the last time I speak to him. I'm grateful for all the good things that have come into my life, especially since the car wreck. More good then bad has come from it. I have woken up every day so excited for life, just happy to be here. I now have the perfect excuse to ride my bike (at least until the snow falls) and all the other things that I use to stress over, just don't seem to matter that much any more. I know it will all work it's way out over time, I just need to be patient. I'm learning allot about patience these days.<br />
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Next week I start my ACT class AND I have my 24 hour stay in "jail". I'm sure I will have a story to tell when I get done with that..... Stay tuned to hear about my nearest obstacle......Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-67485871077571499852011-09-07T09:23:00.000-07:002011-09-07T12:19:24.171-07:00Prison VisitationThis past weekend I went to visit the prisoner, aka, my boyfriend, Eric. This was my fourth trip down there and the timing couldn't have been any better, considering what had happened to both him and I in the past week. Eric was put in the hole last Tuesday (also known as the shoe or solitary confinement) and is now under investigation for "threatening another inmate", which according to him is completely untrue. What can I say, I believe him, one hundred percent, in the 6 years he's been incarcerated he's never once been in trouble. If there is one thing I'm learning, the federal prison system does some shady things. Let me give you some background. One of Eric's good friends turned himself in to the hole because of some stuff that was going down in the yard, and when he was asked why, apparently he said he felt threatened. The thing is, he had no one to point his fingers at, no name to give when he was asked, so the guards or whoever makes these decisions pulled two guys off the yard, Eric and the driver of the other white "car" (it's long story - the whole "car" metaphor).
The interesting thing about this is the "other driver" had absolutely no ties to the friend who put himself in the hole. In fact, this fellow, Randy, left the prison yesterday because his sentence is almost up, he's headed to a camp for the rest of his time, so the fact that they pulled him off the yard, a week before his release, looks a little suspicious. Why would they do that? Why would they pull Eric? Probably because they were such close friends. We will never know. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have become closer friends with the wife Eric's friend..... I don't know, but I've thought about it. I've been warned not to talk to Eric, on the phone or through e-mail, about who I know and who I associate myself with that has any involvement with prison. It's messed up. Why would it matter who I talked to when I came down to see him? What's even more ridiculous is that once you are out of prison, you are to have no contact with anyone that you may have met while in there. Messed up? I think so. Why are you not allowed to stay in touch with other people who had gone through the same torment as you? You spend day in and day out with the same people, creating a friendship and trust over the years. Part of me thinks this whole thing happened to split up Eric's group of friends. It's messed up and just makes his time left more of a headache, but there is nothing anyone can do. He's assuming he will be let out of the hole in the next week or so. I guess there is a mandatory 7 days that you have to stay in the hole..... I'm suppose to raise hell if he's not out in a week. I'm scared. I hate calling the prison, but I'll do it if I have to.
So, what do I now know about solitary confinement. DISCLAIMER - I asked permission from the prisoner before I blogged about this. Well, first and foremost, Eric SHARED a cell. With none other, but the other "driver", Randy (I guess he's way up there in Hell's Angels rankings.... I ALMOST asked for his autograph). I didn't get the exact dimensions, but it's a small room with two beds (bunks??? IDK!) a toilet and an open shower. I guess the guys made a shower curtain out of a pencil and a sheet. WHAT? This is Macguyver stuff all the way, I'm telling you! This stuff really happens? Yep. You heard it here first. I also learned about "fishing". You make a "fishing line" out of shredded sheets that you spin until you have a type of rope, then you tie that to a weight, which you make out of the bottom part of a toothpaste bottle, packed with soap. Seriously. I think my mouth was hanging open when Eric told me. They have THE BEST IDEAS, those prisoners. I am confident that Eric will always be useful in making the things we may need with the supplies we have handy, and yes, he says he can make a weapon out of nearly anything, not like he's had too, but he knows how...... This is a low security prison people.
So, what did he fish for? I guess you may want to know how they use it. It's like the prison system is asking for these guys to do these things, because it just so happens that there is a gap under the door. Eric explained this way better, but you shoot out your weight to whatever door you want it to go under, and they put things under the weight, and you "reel" it back in. He got stamps, paper, magazines, I think he even mentioned coffee. No big deal. lol. It's not funny, but you can't help but laugh. I really do enjoy learning about these things, and you'd never know, unless you knew somebody on the inside. That man has promised me that we can write a book when he gets out. He's got some stories!
The first day of visit went relatively smooth. Of course they had changed the way you went through security. Now there is a number system, it's like going to the DMV, you draw a number. The annoying thing is that they wait to put the little number machine out. The first two days it wasn't too bad, it was day three when it turned into a shit-show, but we wont get into that right now. It was a completely different group of security guards this time, and for once, the female guard was really sweet and nice. Thank god. I totally beeped when I went through security, but they didn't care THIS TIME. See? I don't like how the rules are constantly changing. It's more than annoying.
Since Eric was in the hole, I had to wait longer for him to get there then normal. It usually takes 5 minutes for the inmates to come out, and I waited an extra 20 minutes. The other sad part about him being in the hole, is our visit is cut short by an hour and 15 minutes. I'll take that, it's better then not seeing him at all. They brought him through the front door, and he's cuffed, such a criminal. It's ridiculous. Like if he weren't cuffed, he'd fight off the guards and go somewhere OTHER then visitation. I'm the highlight of his month, he wouldn't be heading anywhere else. He's so dangerous, watch out! Actually, if I were a guard I'd be scared of that 6'5" 260 pound man too. It's his size that's intimidating, nothing else. He's a teddy bear, although he likes to refer to himself as a Grizzly bear. I can't wait for him to find out I wrote that! HA! Either bear aside, I was more excited than I have been in any past trip to see him, cuffs, no cuffs, khaki or todays apparel, all orange. When I say all orange, I mean ALL ORANGE. Orange jumpsuit, orange undershirt, orange socks, orange shoes (which I would totally sport, they were SLICK). Why so much orange? Just in case he broke free, there would never be any doubt that he was a prisoner. "Well, you know that orange jumpsuit looks suspicious, but see, he's wearing orange shoes, he's got to be an escaped prisoner."
We spent the day catching up, since we hadn't talked in two whole days! Did I mention when you are in the hole you are only allowed one phone call per week? No e-mails, only snail mail. Two days is a long time for him and I to go without talking. He filled me in on what the hell was going on, it's scary not knowing exactly what is happening. Even though we talked on the phone Wednesday, he couldn't necessarily tell me everything. Nothing like the being listened to during EVERY conversation we have, via phone or e-mails. Constantly being watched. I've gotten used to it. Go ahead and listen, I've got nothing to hide, well, except those pills I smuggled in my bra....... (that's a joke). We didn't do much more then talk, and eat that terrible food in the vending machines. People are starting to notice just how much Eric can put away. He's like a garbage disposal, but when you are that big...... What he doesn't understand, is he doesn't need to split everything in half. He keeps trying to share everything with me, he's funny. I have to constantly remind him that I'm half his size.
Eric's cellmate, Randy, also had a visitor this past weekend. Turns out there was something messed up and the guards tried to segregate our visits. When Chris (Randy's girlfriend) came into the visitation room, the guards told her that she would have to wait until 11 to visit Randy, and I would have to leave at 11. I had not been informed of that, and honestly, it made no sense, they are cellmates, why would they have to be separated? F'd up prison system. Thank god for Chris, she raised hell and asked to talk to the Warden (didn't know you could do that, but apparently you can....) and within 5 minutes she had sorted out the mess, the whole time, Eric and I completely oblivious to what was going on. I told Chris later, that if that had happened to me, my reaction would have been to cry, because THAT'S WHAT I DO.....
I noticed that Randy had a braided pony tale with what looked like white ribbon woven in it and I asked Eric about that. It was the elastic from his sock. SERIOUSLY. The things you wouldn't realize could come in handy..... I can't get enough about these things you can make, out of other things. I love it. I think I could publish a "prisoners craft book", it's a good idea.....
I wont bore you with the details of my three days of visitation. They went as smoothly as they could and solidified our relationship even further. Something about this prisoner has got me memorized. When I'm with him, the rest of the world shuts off, my mind feels clear. I know if I could just bring his shoulder home with me, I'd finally get a good nights sleep :( We talked about my accident and he told me how he could tell, when he'd call me and I had been drinking, which made me sad, I thought I was covering it up. He said when that happened, he knew right off the bat that it was a wasted phone call, because he only got a part of the real Kristal.... And as I write this, on my flight home (which I nearly missed because I tried to outsmart my GPS......) I feel as good as I have in the past two weeks. I don't know when I'll be back to see him, but I know I will see him again, and I know I will be the one there to pick him up when he finally gets out. What I need to do now, is spend this time, out here, bettering myself. I thought that's what I was doing, but I think I just got caught up in the excitement that having a few drinks gave me.
Eric described it best when he said, "think how many good ideas you missed when you were numbing your brain." I'm now on my quest to see my full potential, and I'm very excited to see where I go from here.
What now? (LOVE THAT!) I am getting the best advice from your comments people! Keep them coming!Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-37760125798098838612011-09-06T14:16:00.000-07:002011-09-06T14:19:12.066-07:00A new lease on lifeA friend mentioned that in a message to me last week. I definitely feel that way. I feel like I have a clean slate, and my life will be, from here on out, what I make of it. The crazy thing about this, it's always been my choice. I wish somebody had told me that sooner. I wonder, why did I have to find this out the hard way? This girl, who thought she was suicidal six months ago, with nothing left to look forward to, is now standing here thinking, "the last thing I want is to be dead." It took a nearly fatal car wreck to realize this for myself.
Sometimes I wonder if there is such thing as a past life. Did I die in my past life and decide, 'for my next life, I want it to be a challenge.' That's what it feel like. Why else would I constantly do these things to myself? It happens over and over again. Constantly tripping myself and giving myself metaphorical "black eyes". Why Why Why???
Not a question I'll ever be able to answer, I'm sure of that. What I can do is move forward from here. And as I type on my slightly unbalanced wireless keyboard, that managed to survive the wreck, but needs one corner cushioned by a napkin so it doesn't bounce while I type, I'm thinking, wow, I do think I am moving forward. lol. The only thing lost amongst the wreckage was an iphone that I was going to try switch my phone to..... Sad day, but life can go on without an iphone.
My dad went back to the car last week to look at it again, and discovered a small bag of jewelry that I had stowed in the center console, in case of emergency. How embarrassing is that? I carried around all my good jewelry, most of it given to me by my ex over the years, just in case I needed fast cash while I had been on my road trip. I felt totally busted and a little ashamed of myself for even considering selling "gifts". Another low point. Oh well.
So where am I now? I'm currently spending my last day in Arizona. Trying to sort out my life before I jump back in. This trip couldn't have been planned at any better time, considering. The three day weekend visit with Eric went as good as it could have. He gave me exactly what I needed. Not only do I feel loved by him, but I feel like he is right here with me as I go through my struggles. I told him what I hated was being alone at night because that's when I think about my wreck. His response was that I was never alone when I was thinking about that, because he thought about it to. Have I mentioned that I'm in love with this man?
He also lectured me in the kindest most loving way. He said exactly what I needed to hear, and even put me in my place when I was making up excuses about how I wasn't an alcoholic. I can't even explain it. Everyone has been unusually nice to me about what happened. My friends and family especially. I don't feel like I deserve to be "let off so easily", but maybe everyone knows that I will beat myself about it, I don't need anyone else to do it. What I did was stupid. Probably, THE stupidest thing that I have ever done and will ever do. I am both humbled and thankful that nothing worse happened, and I really hope this helps me become the best person I can be. I have some definite goals now, the first and foremost one being, to get through these next six months, get my license back, and pay off my new debts. Lucky me, but I do deserve these punishments. They are small. They really are. It's nothing. I now can see why people in Montana get multiple DUI's, it's a slap on the wrist, hardly more then a monetary punishment, and not much on that even. Of course, I had to learn it the hard way, and that may be because I wouldn't have learned any other way. I know it in my heart that this was the ONLY way for me to really learn my lesson.
Lesson Learned PEOPLE! You heard it first. I will never drink and drive again. I'll probably never speed again. I'll most likely never drink again. I'll hold myself accountable. I've been really thinking about the things I've done when I've been drunk, and 99% of the things I regret, have happened after a few drinks. I don't like that girl, so, I'm hoping she will just go away. I think she's also attached to that rude voice in my head that tells me how terrible of a person I am. For some reason I haven't heard from either of them in the past week. Maybe they died in the wreckage?? It's all metaphorical, so don't take me as someone who is going insane, hearing voices. Take me for an "average joe" just figuring out life, at 30. This year has been an amazing trip, my world has literally been turned upside down and I'm ready to clean up this mess I've made.
For those of you who are waiting for more juicy details of my prison visit. That's tomorrows blog :)Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5143922186495439253.post-7746065870965231792011-09-02T22:42:00.001-07:002011-09-02T22:42:53.059-07:00Survival ModeThat's what my friend called it. She's exactly right. Beyond the traumatic events surrounding last Saturday nights car accident, I do have other turmoil that I am dealing with. Unfortunately, I cannot share with you the detailed events that lead up to how I'm currently feeling, let's just say, I'm back in Safford.
For those of you who don't know what's going on, I suggest you scroll down to the beginning of my blogging (this past May) to get caught up, but the short story is, I'm visiting Eric, my prisoner. :) Allot has happened in the past week, that involves him being put in solitary confinement, and I'm not even sure why he is in there, but I find myself questioning who I can trust. That's the problem with being such an honest, trusting person I guess. It's funny, because I lied all the time when I was in high school, and even kind of recently, but I can honestly say that I don't lie anymore. In fact, I've been told that I'm a little too honest, to the point (those of you closest to me know this) that I can't keep a secret. Even my girl Compton should know that.... and my sister, she manages to get the brunt of all my "lack of keeping secrets..."
I'm working on this so called "imperfection", I guess I need to filter when the secret is important enough to not be shared and even sometimes determining if something that is told to me is suppose to be a secret, I mean, come on? We've all had that, right? Someone tells us something without saying, "shhhhh it's a secret" and you don't know it is until you've told somebody else, and then SUDDENLY you're in trouble because you said something you shouldn't have. Am I alone here? I doubt it.
Either way, what I'm trying to do is release some stress so I can sleep tonight. Let's see, I'm now on night 7 with hardly any sleep. I lay in bed with my "loratabbed" mind hard at work. I think about Eric. I dwell over the "what could have beens" involving my wreck. I could be dead. I could be deformed. I could be headed to prison. I could have ruined my families life. I could be a completely different person because I was brain injured. Could have could have could have. It could have been worse. I know. I am trying to let it go, trying to release this pain that I have caused on myself, but it's hard. I know it hasn't hardly been a week, and these pretty severe ups and downs should be expected.
That's where survival mode comes into play. I called my dear friend Alecia in a bit of a panic, she knows the ins and outs of whats going on, and this most recent "thing" involving Eric has got me in a bit of a mind-mess, if you will. I'm not sure how I would handle this, if I hadn't almost killed myself a week ago, so I think I'm handling it well, but I've become very paranoid. Not good when there are other people involved, and I can't say much because they might read my blog and I don't want to offend anyone, any more then I already have.
It's hard, dealing with Eric being where he is, but I don't really have a choice here. I've been thinking allot about what would have happened if Eric hadn't stumbled into my life. This is how I play it out...... I may not have had the courage to admit my marriage was a failure, and since my divorce sort of fueled me to do positive things for myself, there are several people who wouldn't be in my life, I know I wouldn't have had the courage to be the one to reach out for their friendships. The wreck probably, inevitably, would have happened, but instead of just pain for myself, I would have tortured myself over what I had done to Cody. I've done it before in different situations, and that self sabotage may have quite honestly been the end for me. I'm sure my wreck would have ended our marriage, so not only would I be going through the stress of my wreck, I'd be dealing with the pain that divorce causes to.
Let me just say this. I am so happy I was strong enough to commit to my divorce when I did. Sorry Cody :( I know I've hurt him and his family in more ways then I can possibly count or make up for, but this is still my life. Without this prisoner, who is haunting my dreams (in a good way), I wouldn't have overcome my first obstacle. Without him, I wouldn't have propelled myself to reach out and ask a stranger if she wanted to go get coffee sometime, because I just had a feeling about her. Turns out we strangely have allot in common. She is now my closest friend and someone who I can confide in. She has come to my rescue more then once and I only hope that I do the same for her. She knows who she is. And yet another friend to add to my "amazing friend" list. How did I get so deserving and lucky??
Enough said. It's mostly off my chest. I know if I get out what I'm thinking, perhaps I'll be able to sleep tonight, without those scary night terrors I've been having. I need to be strong tomorrow and well rested, so I can take whatever punches that may come my way. Wish me luck. I know I don't need it, I just have to stay in that positive mind that comes and goes, which is exactly where "survival mode" came from. Right now I'm in survival mode. I need to get through this time while Eric is where he is, and someday we can move on with our lives, together. He is my 'Anchor to Sanity' (thank you sister and Alecia for those......)Kristal Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11667285997910752406noreply@blogger.com0