Prison Update :) - This is really only for Andrea.......lol

Could it get any worse? Nah, probably not.  I hope.  But I suppose maybe.   I'm learning that there allot of things that you just don't talk about when it comes prison.  I found out that Eric was taken to the hole yesterday, and for those of you who don't know, it's solitary confinement.  I have no idea why he is in there, and I'm hoping it's nothing terrible, but it can't be good.  The bright side of all this, is I do get to still see him in just a few days.  I guess you can say that I'm really happy this all worked out, me getting in my wreck and him getting in trouble really couldn't have had better timing.  That sounds totally bad, but the fact that I already had this trip planned before either of these 'events' happened really amazes me. Let's just say he hadn't gotten in trouble, I came to visit and then he went to solitary confinement.  He's not allowed to email and he is only allowed one phone call per week.  He is allowed to write, but he is pretty bad about the whole snail mail thing, so I have no idea what to expect.  I do expect him to use his phone call to call his mother, but knowing him......  I'll be hearing from him.  Silly prisoner.  I just want to know what is going on.  I want to know what has led up to this, he isn't the only one in there and this has affected my friendships with several of the girls I've met, but that's only because none of us know what's happening, none of us want to get too involved and I'm pretty sure we are all frustrated and mad.  I'm starting to refer to this stuff as prison bullshit, because that is exactly what it is. Don't ever go to prison people, it's not all sunshine and rainbows.

So, I went to court today.

Would you believe me if I told you that I was the person in the worst situation? I was sure that I'd be in a room full of people with DUI's, people with similar stories, but nope. I'm awesome. (No, I'm really not.... I'm ashamed and embarrassed).

Surprisingly, it wasn't that bad. I sat in the courtroom for probably half an hour before the judge finally called me to the stand, where I immediately burst into tears. Shocking, I know, I'm such a hard ass normally, but for some reason I couldn't keep it in. He informed me that what I was about to go through would be much easier then the experience I had on Saturday. I ended up with a $700 fine PLUS the $20 seatbelt ticket, which, I was more then happy to pay for. I'm still stuck on the seatbelt thing, because I ALWAYS WEAR MY SEATBELT. I cannot express that enough. Not only do I always wear it, but my car does this really annoying beep when I'm not wearing it, so....??

Of course I have the ACT class that I have to go to, and I had to go to the jail for what they call "book and release", where basically I had to have my mugshot taken and be finger printed. That was an interesting experience, the officers were all very friendly. I feel like I wasn't their "typical" jail bird, especially on a Monday, in the middle of the afternoon. The deputy, of course, knew my father, as did the judge, so he was extra nice. Deputy Johnson was telling me how I wouldn't have wanted to be there Saturday night anyways, because of all the drunk people. lol I'm not sure if he didn't look at my ticket or what, but I just laughed. I did tell him that I was a bit of a "handful" on Saturday. I am very happy to now know that at least I look decent in my mugshot. I saw my reflection in the mirror Saturday night.... NOT PRETTY. Not even a little. Actually, it was quite scary.

I also get the pleasure of spending 24 hours in jail. The good news is, it's not real jail, it's a room with a couple bunk beds and I get to bring a book! I even get to set up a time when it's convenient to me. The receptionist at court referred to it as "big kid time-out". I'm not sure what the point of it is, but sounds like another experience I'll blog about. LUCKY YOU!!!!

All and all, today has been a bit of a blur. I'm still really tired and need to catch up on my sleep. I have now been bombarded with love and attention from my friends and family, which I greatly appreciate, but it's a little overwhelming all at once. I actually am shocked by the response. It's amazing. I know I'm lucky and I'm am so grateful that there are so many people out there that care, and even some who really do understand what I am going through.

I had some time before I had to go to court today, so I decided to go print the photos of my car real quick over at Kinko's. As I walked in, the familiar Kinko's employee said hello (I'm in there allot) and asked me if I had gotten a tattoo. I'm not sure this is the right approach, but I still am dealing with the verbal vomit that keeps deciding to come out of my mouth since the wreck, so I told him the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Too much information? Probably. That and I started to cry when I told him, but part of me wants to hold myself completely accountable for my actions, and one way is to be honest about what happened, whether the guy asked or not. He looked shocked. I told him that no, this was not a tattoo, in fact, it was from a car accident, a very bad accident that I had caused because I was driving drunk. I then proceeded to show him the photos.

This is where the story gets interesting. Kinko's man tells me that he was rear-ended by a drunk driver. He was driving down the interstate, going about 60 mph when he saw a car coming up behind him. He tried to get out of the way, but it was too late. The drunk driver was driving 85, and smashed into the back of his car. I asked if the driver died and he had. The saddest part was the guy driving drunk had his 3 children in the vehicle with him, They all died too.

That broke my heart. This poor innocent bystander. There was nothing he could have done to prevent this. He didn't even know the people, but can you imagine? What if I had killed somebody? What if I had killed one of my closest friends? My sister? A stranger? My dog. For some reason the idea of killing my dog is as bad for me as killing a baby. I don't know if I could live with myself if I had killed somebody. The idea of it is awful.

So that was my day. One step forward and another reminder that life could most definitely be worse. WAY worse.

Wake Up Call

So I'm sitting here trying to figure out why I'm not dead. Why have I been spared? What am I supposed to learn from this and how do I move forward from here? Talk about being kicked while I'm down. The craziest thing is, I just kicked myself. Hard. It the face. With steal toed boots. I haven't figured out my own mind and why I constantly do things to sabotage my own happiness, but here we go again. At approximately 11:00 p.m. last night, I officially hit what I've been calling "Rock Bottom". I've been wondering if I had already hit rock bottom, thinking that perhaps I hadn't and maybe something worse was about to come, but never in my life did I think anything like this could happen to me. I mean, really, the past 8 months of my life has been no slumber party. Divorced, turned 30, slowly going broke and the love of my life just happens to be in prison. What else, God? What else do you have for me. What sort of life lessons do I still need to learn before I can move forward and start filling up this metaphorical hole I've created. Let's be serious. It's no hole. It's a fucking trench, it's a crater, it's probably big enough to be filled with water and called a lake. So, I'm driving home, highly intoxicated might I add. I might as well be honest, it doesn't pay to sugar-coat anything. I was drunk, I was wasted, I was also messing with my ipad while I drove, and speeding. I was also angry, so that probably didn't help, and as I came around the corner of the long dirt road home, I felt pretty care free, as I often do, when I drive home drunk, not worrying about anything, when I lost control on the gravel, started to fishtail, overcorrected, drove off the road, flipping my car, and hitting a tree. And just like that, my life will be changed forever. It only took a second and suddenly, I'm in this surreal place, hanging what felt to me as upside down, with my music blaring, and with absolutely no idea what had just happened. I couldn't move, but I was fairly certain that I was still alive. Nothing felt broken, I was just "stuck". My hair was pinned between the headrest and the roof of my car. My car hit the tree right above the headrest, somehow missing my head completely, it was a miracle, but I wouldn't realize that until the next day. So, I'm stuck. I start to panic. I start to cry. I start to wonder just how far off the road I was. Would somebody see me if they drove by or did I drive off in a place that was down in the gulley, where I could be left for dead? I had no one waiting for me at home, no one expecting a call saying I was safe. I had no one. I had no one. I had no one to worry about me. I had to do something about this. Somehow, somewhere I regrouped. I remember telling myself out loud that this was not how it was suppose to be. This is not how I was meant to die. I had not filled my life's purpose yet. This was not how it was going to end. I managed to get my hair loose, which if you ask my mom and sister, I was pulling a ton of loose hair off my head even today. Thank god I have a head full of hair, because you can't even tell. I was certain that I was going to have to pull parts of my scalp off to break free, and at that point, I didn't even care. Bring it. I don't mind having bald spots, as long as I'm not dead. I finally got to a point where I could move my head around, awesome, my neck isn't broken, that's good. I somehow got myself oriented and turned around, so that I was now standing on the drivers side door, with my head up towards the passenger side. After going back and looking at the car today, I have no idea how I got myself turned around. I felt like it was an eternity, and I was about to re-group and figure out just what my next step would be to break free from this car-turned-death trap, when suddenly I saw a light. There was a man standing outside my window. Oh, thank god. Thank you sweet baby Jesus. He asked me if I was okay, and told me he was calling 911. I immediately begged him to call my parents, which he did. It wasn't but a few minutes later that there was an officer, with a hammer, breaking the windshield of my car to get to me. I think all the rescue people (police, emt's, and firefighters) were shocked to find me standing inside my car. Standing, and conscience. I should be dead. I didn't remember until I talked to one of the tow truck drivers today and he asked if I recalled the conversation I had had with one of the fire fighters. He had told me that I should be on that show "I shouldn't be alive." I guess I had some smart ass remark when he said that. How is it, that I could still have my sarcastic sense of humor after this terrible event? The night was no where near being over. I was laid on the stretcher and given a neck brace before being put on the Ambulance. I became irate and started yelling at the EMT. Where were my parents? Why couldn't they ride in the back with me? The ceiling lights of the ambulance were hurting my eyes and I was covering them with my hand, but the EMT wouldn't have it. She kept calling me mam and telling me that if I didn't settle down she was going to have to restrain me. I swear to you, she was making me worse by the way she was treating me, but maybe not. That's when the F bombs started dropping. F this, F that, F my life, I wish I were F'ing dead, I'm glad to be F'ing alive. F. F. F. F. F. F. What I didn't know at the time, was that there was a 16 year old ride along sitting right next to me. I hope I scared the crap out of him. I hope he NEVER does the stupid shit that I have done. It will save him allot of pain and grief. Poor Kid. F. F. F. By midnight I was in a hospital bed. I'd say that was a pretty quick turn around for a drunk driving accident that could have gone terribly, terribly bad (worse, then it already was). I had to stay there for about three hours. I proceeded to get in an argument with the state trooper. He really got in my face and told me that I needed to calm down, and my response was that I was as calm as I could be, considering the traumatic event I just went through. I also told him that I didn't expect any sympathy, I knew what I had done had been wrong, but cut me a f'ing break. The context of that conversation was probably a little different then that, but that's how I remember it. My mom keeps telling me that things I thought happened a certain way didn't happen that way at all..... I was drunk. Who knows. I do remember at one point, the officer told me that they would have to take me to jail. I asked my dad over and over again if he'd bail me out, and I got no response. Thanks dad. lol. Yeah, I wouldn't have bailed me out either. shit. Thank god it took so long at the hospital, the officer finally had to leave, but by golly, I will get my chance to spend the night in jail. I can't wait. Do I get to wear an orange jumpsuit? I'm not putting any of this lightly. I'm just completely shocked that I am alive. I'm shocked that I have all my appendages, I'm shocked that I'm not brain dead, I'm shocked that I'm not paralyzed. I am a firm believer that a miracle of some sort happened last night. I was also told by the officer that I was not wearing a seat belt, which I became very argumentative about. I always wear a seatbelt. It was probably the lack of a seatbelt that saved this girls life. I know, right? Look at the pictures and tell me. Should I have survived? How the HELL did I survive? Why am I deserving to live through this? The first thing I did when I got home was e-mailed Eric. All I could think about was, what if something way worse had happened. Who would have contacted him? Who would have known how to contact him? What would that have done to him? I'm pretty sure I made him a promise, just this week, that I wouldn't die while he was in there, as long as he didn't die while he was in there. I think that conversation was brought up by the fact than one of the prisoners had a heart attack, and it made him think about how short life was. Coincidence? Maybe. My sister called me this morning to see if I wanted to go running. I had to tell her what had happened. In my mind we had discussed not calling her because what was the point of worrying her if I was alright? She was very upset that we hadn't called her. I guess she had a sudden stomach ache at around the time I was being hauled in to the hospital, which I can only guess was her sixth sense at work. I felt like throwing up too. I can't imagine what could have happened or how this would have ruined so many peoples lives. Especially my own. I know in my heart that this experience is going to make me a better person. I could look at the downside of things. I now have a huge hospital bill. I now have a DUI on my record, with court fees and classes to go with it, I now am carless and perhaps without a license. But I'm choosing the other road. I'm not dead. I'm not paralyzed. I'm not brain dead. I don't even have any broken bones. I'm going to do my best to stay on this road. I know it's going to be hard, but I'm learning that without these hardships, what reason would we have to appreciate life when it's good? And as my friend Andrea pointed out, I now have something to blog about. I think her exact phrase was, "you said you wanted something interesting to happen in your life so you could blog about it, I really don't think this is the right way to go about it." She's right. I go to court tomorrow at 1:30. I'll be sure to let you know what happens. K

Girl Time.

This is a serious social event where you get together with your lady friends and catch up, usually over a bottle of wine. With my two friends, Jess and Rachel, it was over SEVERAL bottles of wine.

Yes, this morning I have a bit of a headache, but definitely one I can tolerate, making last nights gossip session totally worth the tiny bit of suffering which may happen for part of the day. I'm a bad drinker, because I don't keep any sort of headache medicine in my cupboards, so it's just suffering for a little while, I guess.

So I told each one of them to bring a bottle of wine, not expecting that they'd each bring two. Thank god we started early. Over dinner (we'll call it "blackened pizza" - lol) and drinks we discussed everything, from what's been happening lately to reminiscing about our college years. Ironically, both of my friends are currently engaged. They aren't the only ones either? Why is it the year I get a divorce, everyone else is thinking about marriage? I think it has something to do with the fact that I got married WAY too young and now (when we are in our late 20's early 30's) is the NORMAL time to be thinking about "settling down".

Rachel is getting married! This weekend! How exciting is that? I love weddings and this will be the only one I am attending this summer, so of course I'm stoked. Hopefully I wont bawl during the ceremony, but if I do, I do. They'll be happy tears, not the "self loathing" tears that I despise. I'm hoping those tears go away eventually. AND there is good news concerning that matter. The self loathing tears usually come out after a few glasses of wine, not last night. Nope. I feel good about that. It's a sign that a few drinks with your friends can be good for the soul.

The only thing I want to take back is the VERY HONEST e-mail I decided to send Eric at one in the morning. LOL I'll spare you......

There are two things, well three really, that a year ago I didn't even know existed and now they are my biggest enemy... The yellow line and the beep, two beeps...... Are they prison related? Of course, and maybe I've talked about them before, but the beep really upset me yesterday and got me thinking a little. What's the beep? Well, let me tell you, it's the one minute warning that the phone is going to hang up when I'm talking to Eric. There's also a thirty second warning, which is also annoying, but I think, for me, it's the fact that we are limited to the amount of time we are allowed to talk. Just give me one night where he can just talk to me until I fall asleep. Is that too much to ask for? I guess so. Then there is that crappy yellow line that the prisoners aren't supposed to cross when in visitation. It's total shit. They aren't allowed to go to the vending machines or the microwaves. What the hell? I just have a beef with this, that's all and last night when the phone beeped, I said something to Eric about how I hated the beep as much as the yellow line. He responded by reminding me of an e-mail awhile back where I told him I couldn't wait until we could cross the yellow line together and how much that meant to him.... I almost burst into tears for some reason. I was sad. It still comes and goes and that annoys me, so I wrote to Eric.... "Did you hear the sadness in my voice? The phone hung up and I just burst into tears. That stupid effing yellow line. I wonder what the point of it is? I mean besides stripping away your dignity and making you feel like less worthy. What the fuck? It just pisses me off. The short phone calls piss me off. The fact that I can't call you pisses me off. How did I suddenly become pissed off? I was sad a minute ago. Now I'm laughing at myself for being such a ridiculous emotional mess. What's going on here?" And this was his response: "Kris, I can always tell if you have sadness in your voice. It kills me. I have a hard time not being able to fix this problem. I want to tell you that I will do anything. I will come home right now and be with you tonight, hold you and tell you how much I love you and appreciate you. Tell you how much you mean to me. Tell you everything is going to be alright. Well I can do some of those things. Everything is going to be alright Kristal. We know what we want. To be together. We can make that happen. Our future is already in motion. Every day brings me closer to you. I hope you have a good day today. I know its Monday but I want you to enjoy today. Be in the moment. Don't worry about yesterday, or tomorrow. Just celebrate the things you have today. Your ponies love you (he's referring to my cats). Your Shelbster loves your. Your fam loves you. In the end its the only thing that ever mattered." Now tell me you aren't in love with this prisoner??? Just kidding, there isn't enough of him to go around, but I couldn't help but share this. I got his e-mail and instantly a flip was switched. I went on a ten mile run and now I am back on track. That's all I need. My "words of wisdom" via prisoner and running :) Happy Monday Ya'll! My August resolution is to find something interesting in my life daily? weekly? to write about. Suggestions welcome, I know everyone doesn't want to hear about the prisoner ALL THE TIME....