"Nothing worth having comes easy"
I've been gone! I know, I'm sorry! But I thought what better day to start blogging again, than the day that marks my 6 months of sobriety? I feel awesome!
So, in light of my huge goals I made for the new year, including blogging weekly, I feel like I might have just a tiny bit of explaining to do. I don't know why, but as soon as I made these great sounding goals, I immediately took a step back. I think I was scared of something. Scared of accomplishing something? Maybe. I have no idea, but I hit an invisible wall. I'm still working towards these goals, but I realized that my blog was turning into some kind of monster that even I didn't enjoy, so I had to take a little "writers" break.
I'll be honest. These haven't been an easy couple of months. I've been dealing with some emotions that I've never dealt with before. I honestly think allot of it was dormant emotions from years of covering it up with drinking. I can't believe that I'm even admitting that to myself, but I drank and used drugs to cover up the pain. For the record, I haven't done drugs in a long time..... except for pot, but that's even been over a year..... We all have pain. For me the easiest way to deal with a bad day was to drink a bottle of wine, but I now realize that that didn't solve anything, what it did was just add it to my pile of "someday you're going to be forced to deal with this" and that someday is now. I'm thankful that I am learning from my mistakes today, instead of twenty years from now. I still see myself as young, with a great life ahead of me, now all I have to do, is keep doing what I'm doing and life will be good.
Everything is going to be okay. This was my ex-roommates favorite saying as we both dealt with crazy fits of tears for what felt like no reason. The one thing I've learned in the past few months is that everything happens for a reason, and if you listen real close, you might learn from it. She was one of the "happens for a reason" in my life recently. A woman who I didn't even know when she moved in last September, is now one of my dearest friends (who I miss!) I wish she'd just come back from Argentina already and move back in with me. I've already promised her my Little Black Cat as a future wedding gift. It takes the right person to fall in love with my funny farm, 2 cats and 2 dogs can be a little overwhelming.....
So I'm on the search for a new roommate. That's been a challenge, for sure. I think the worst part is every month that I don't have a roommate is another month I have to depend on my ex husband for help. He's always willing, but I feel like I'm not making a life on my own. Didn't I leave him because I didn't want his support? I'm learning what it's truly like to be independent. No one ever told me that if you didn't shovel your walkway when it snowed, it would eventually turn into an ice dome that you get to ice skate across every time you try to go to your car. I completely ate shit today too! In front of a potential roommate. A little embarrassing, but if there is one thing I know how to do, it's laugh at myself. Life is pretty funny.
What wasn't funny was watching my dog get hit by a car today. She's fine. Thank god she's a Rotty and their domes seem to be able to take some force. It scared the shit out of me. I've been beginning to become quite fond of this sweet dog that my friend left with me nearly a year ago. He's threatening to come back sometime and get her. Honestly, I might cry if that happens. I like this dog. She's a nice addition to my funny farm. Now all I need is a miniature pony and a goat and it will be complete.
So, in light of me writing again. What am I going to be blogging about from here on out? I think instead of stressing on my goals and keeping everyone updated with that, I want to come back down to the real world and talk about my emotional stability, and my life in general. I feel like my audience enjoys that most. I'm always surprised by how many people read this. I don't know what makes me so interesting, but that's okay, I don't mind being a little different. I've been learning allot about myself, especially when it comes to how to cope with stress. That's been a HUGE mountain and I think I'm tackling it, one day at a time. I can't say I have a steady flow of happiness, but I don't think most people do. I struggle with that, because all I want is to be happy and satisfied with my life right now, but it's hard. I'm coming to the conclusion that there isn't a quick fix for happiness. No fancy supplements, excessive exercise or compliments from my boy toy are going to keep me from having an "off" day. Can I get a big bad BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's dumb. There's got to be an answer, and I'm determined to find it if there is one.
When it comes to my life, I'm at a fork in the road and I'm not sure which way to go. I'm currently waiting patiently for the man I'm in love with to get out of prison. That sounds completely nuts, but when it happens, you can be my witness. Sometimes you just know, right? I have my insecurities, so does Eric (the prisoner, if you are just tuning in), but as he said it, "we'd be morons not to see where this goes..." He's so right, my 'voice of reason'. Getting to know someone in this way has been the most incredible journey. Hard as hell, but so worth it. There is nothing I want more, then the comfort of his arms around me when I'm having a bad day. I never knew I even wanted that until now, but I know in my heart that if I'm patient, I will be rewarded. For now I'll settle for the funny things he sends me, like tiny little "solitary confinement" pencils.... Even in his situation, he still finds ways to make me smile and laugh everyday. Who wouldn't wait for the full package, when even a small part of it is this good?
Actually, it's kind of the perfect scenario for me. I have some serious emotional baggage that I need to sort through. I also need to figure out what my career path should be. What I would LOVE is for someone to tell me what to do, but I know that's not going to happen, PLUS, isn't that what I've been doing? I need to do what I want to do, because THAT is where I'm going to feel fulfilled. I'm in search for that sense of fulfillment.
So, I pledge to try harder to keep you up to date on my journey in life. I'll recap what's been going on with Eric in my next blog! For now, I'm going to enjoy my achievement of 6 months! 6 months ago my life changed forever, I almost killed myself, but thank God I was left with minor scars on one arm. I am grateful for this second chance and I promise to make this the best life possible! Thank you to all of my friends and family for keeping me strong, encouraging me through my tears and not allowing me to give up. This hasn't been easy, but I'm becoming a stronger, better person.
