Path to my next race

In about a week, I will be running the Blue Mountain 30k. This is an important race to me, not only did I run it last year, and come in dead last, but it will be a great accomplishment for me after my 'close call' a month ago. The fact that I have come so far in just a few weeks, amazes me. I actually considered not running the race, but my friend Mandy said it would give me something to live for (lol, Jesus! She's a comedian....not really, but.) and Eric pointed out that I was in better shape then I was a year ago, regardless of the wreck....  They were both right. I need to do this run to prove to myself that I am moving forward. I feel like I am, but it's time for some evidence.  I set out on my last long training run today (15 miles) unsure about how I would feel when I got done. I still have aches and pains on my left side, which was the side where the car hit the ground. When I did a ten miler a few weeks ago, I noticed a new ache in my left knee, so I have been very careful. I know I wont be sure about any permanent damage from this wreck for years maybe, I am still picking glass out of my arm, believe it or not, but I figure since I haven't had anything too horrible happen yet, maybe I really did get lucky. Just this once. I know that I didn't deserve this and I wont take it for granted. There was a reason my life was spared, I'm just not sure why yet. It's hard not to question that, but I have faith that I will have an answer some day. So as I headed out the door, I did what I do for every run, I told myself that it was going to be the best run I had ever had. It's amazing how giving yourself positive reinforcement can give you exactly what you need for something to work out in your favor. I've been using this method for over a year, and yes, some runs are harder then others, but I've never regretted going. I did wake up with what I thought were allergies, stuffy nose, sore throat, so right before I left the house, I popped some Benadryl. I figured, when it set in, I'd be too far away from my house to turn around. Yep.  My legs felt like bricks at about 3 miles. Whoops. Well, lesson learned, I wont be doing that on race day. The route I took was heading from my house towards East Missoula, past where I wrecked my car, it's a nice reminder for me on a daily basis. At about mile 4, I hit the tracks and headed towards the Kim Williams trail. Don't worry, I don't run alone, I had my trusty partner, Shelby, the best German Shepard ever!  (well, my mom might say something about that....  lol) She makes me feel safe on all my runs. We continued down the Kim Williams trail to the base of Mount Sentinel. My halfway point. This is where I ran into an obstacle. I have a mental block that has kept me from being able to run the M trail. For some reason, maybe it's because I've hiked that trail more times then I could ever count, from the time I was first able to walk, so I've never been able to run it. I told myself today, that I was going to overcome this block. And I did. It wasn't even that hard, what the hell has my problem been? I don't know, and as a man who looked like he was 60, but was probably pushing 90 passed me, I thought, 'I want to be like him when I get older.' As he passed me, I stopped to let him go by and said, "man, you're kicking my ass." His response, "I'm trying to." and then he motioned for me to follow and try to keep up. Yeah. That didn't happen. lol. But he was inspiring, that's for sure. I made it past the M and headed down the fire line trail, again passed by someone else. When I get passed, I have to remind myself, that A: They probably just started their run, where I was nearly 9 miles into mine and B: When I pass someone it feels good, so let them pass me, let them feel good. I'm sure I passed 30 people on the M trail, so there! I can't beat everyone, that's fine, I'm slowly striving to get better. I doesn't help that I'm probably the most un-competitive person you will ever meet. Totally cool with coming in last. My run took me over three hours, which may seem slow to some people, but for me, I finished what I started and as I hobbled up the hill behind my parents house, I felt a sense of relief.   'Phew! I think I can run 18 miles next week.' I never allow myself to feel defeated during the run, but boy, looking back, that was hard. I only hope that today's run will make next weeks seem not so bad. I also need to remind myself that this time last year, the week before the 30k I hadn't ran more then 13 miles.....  I've made so much progress in a year!  Whoo Hoo!  No matter what the distance, I always have a point in my run where I am in a euphoric stage, and I can wrap my mind around my life. It's the best remedy when you have questions you can't seem to answer....  Go on a run. Stay tuned for my upcoming blogs! I start my court required Act classes this week! I'm sure it will be interesting.

Jail time served.....

Where do I even start? I guess the beginning. I'm not sure if I have already written about my "sentencing". When I went to court a few weeks ago to face my DUI charges, I was sentenced to one day in jail. GREAT. The receptionist informed me that is was no worse than, "big kid time out", whatever the hell that means.  I had to call the phone number they gave me, and make a "reservation" for my stay. I was informed that I had to go to the pre-release center, next to the jail, and it would cost me $75, cash.

What can I say. I wasn't looking forward to my day in jail. I had no idea what to expect. The guy on the phone told me I could bring a book, and they would supply me with clothing to wear. I'm not real sure what the whole point of this was, but I had to do it. Is it just me, or is this the first time you've EVER heard of this? I have friends with DUI's. Either no one talks about it, or this is a new thing..... OR it has something to do with the fact that I was in the hospital instead of jail the night of the accident. I don't know. What I do know, is when I was shamefully dropped off by my mother, since I have no car, and my bike tire went flat (that's another story), I was fighting back tears. This was humiliating.

So, I found my way to the pre-release center at 9 am, Wednesday morning, and hit the buzzer, notifying them that I was at the counter. Low and behold, it's a familiar face who appears before me. I have no idea his name, but I KNOW he went to school with me. One of those faces you've seen in the hallways of every school you ever went to since elementary....  this couldn't get much worse. He never said anything about me looking familiar. I still have my married name, so maybe he didn't recognize me. That's fine. I don't want to be recognized. He takes me up a flight of stairs and checks me in, asking me all sorts of ridiculous questions. 'Are you suicidal?' - um, if I was, I wouldn't be admitting to that. Then when he fingerprinted me, I managed to put my left thumb in the spot that said right thumb.....  I was nervous, okay? The most ridiculous part is the left thumb spot is on the left side of the paper, and the right side is on the right.....  I somehow managed to screw that one up. This is me in real life. I don't make this up!

After finagling with this fellow, he said "no" to the Ipad, but he did allow me to not only bring my book, but also a magazine, a notebook and a pen. Little did I know, there would be pens and pencils and a whole closet filled with magazines that dated back to 1995 and books with the covers ripped off. No one tells you about these added bonuses. Before I went into lock up, there was one more thing. My outfit. It was lovely. I had to change from my skinny jeans and tank top, to this beautiful ensemble of mustard yellow sweat pants, with the elastic around the bottoms, my absolute favorite (that's sarcasm) and a sweet matching t-shirt with "MDC - Missoula Detention Center" in large black letters across the back, just in case I tried to escape, there would be no mistaking where I belonged. 

I was escorted to a small room, actually it was fairly spacious, considering it had, two bunk beds, a metal closet and a table with four chairs. There was also an adjoining bathroom with a door. I had allowed my imagination to think the very worst, so I was picturing a barren room with beds and a toilet in the corner. You can thank the "prison" lifestyle, I've become a little to familiar with, for that one.... It was about the quality of a clean, but cheap, motel. I was informed that if I really needed to, I could get out, but only if there was a fire drill, and the door would be locked from the outside and only people with keys could get in. That's good news, because honestly, I don't trust any of these former criminals in the pre-release center. Sorry.  My familiar faced classmate shut the door, and I was left alone, for the next 24 hours.

Alone?!  I know, right? I guess at times this room could hold four people at once, and I don't know if that would have been a blessing or a curse. If they were people like me, I would have been entertained, but what if it had been some lunatic? I think I'm better off by myself..... So what did I do? Well, I spent the first two hours reading. My friend had suggested a book "A Stolen Life" by Jaycee D.....something, it's the autobiography of that girl who was kidnapped when she was 11 and held captive for 18 years. Incredible story.  Thank you Leslie and Sam for letting me borrow the book. It made me feel less sorry for myself. Life could be so much worse. At least that's what I was thinking until they brought me my lunch. P U K E. I'm sorry, but it's almost as if they INTENTIONALLY make it inedible. They bring your food on a tray, with a lid, so you get excited, because it smells kind of good, and I was starving since I was unsure about the bathroom situation, I didn't eat much that morning. I take the lid off to find a hoagie roll, that had been microwaved or something, since the bread was rock hard and inside it were these huge slices of roast beef....

"Excuse me, I ordered the vegetarian jailbird meal...."

On top of the meat was this lovely nacho cheese sauce, that even I wouldn't put on my nachos, and onions.  GROSS. To top it all off, they gave me Au Ju (spelling?) to dip it in.....  Probably to soften up the bread.  It was f'ing sick. There was also a concoction of broccoli, several types of bean and onions, french fries and a lovely spoonful of what looked like instant vanilla pudding, set right on top of my fries. Really? There was no effort in aim here. Thanks guys, that was delicious. I see why I had to pay you 75 dollars to sit in this room, so you could feed me shit. Did I tell you I was on a diet?  

Seriously. The excitement of my day was the disappointing meals they served me. After lunch, I took a nap, where I had this terrible nightmare that I ran over my dog. I was woken up (the first of many) by the jingling of keys opening the door to take away the remnants of my lunch. A little while later I was awoken again when someone came in with a clock. This was both good and bad. I was happy to know what time it was (12:30), great, only 20 1/2 more hours, but I soon took notice to the very loud ticking noise. If there is one thing I HATE, it's a clock with a loud second hand. Ask my mother, I'm pretty sure I have removed batteries out of her clocks more than once when I've slept at her house, usually forgetting to replace it in the morning. When I hear the clock ticking, it's the only thing I can focus on and pretty soon I can't even THINK. TICK TICK TICK TICK.

I did manage to fall asleep again, until about 3 and when I woke, I had an epiphany.....  I put the clock in the bathroom and shut the door.  Duh.  That only took four hours to figure out....  I finished my book around five, had another terrible meal, and sat around for the next few hours being bored out of my mind until it was finally dark out.  It was sort of a restless long night, and every time I fell asleep I'd be rudely woken up by the door opening and someone checking on me.  I'm not going anywhere people.....

Around 6 am they brought me breakfast.....  Another wasted meal.  It's like they went out of their way to overcook the eggs.  Yuck.  Is this where cooks go for their first job or something?  I don't get it.....  I finally got up around 8, took a quick shower and then sat around, waiting, and waiting.....  It was finally 9:05 when I got the courage to stick my head out the door and ask the guy at the desk if I could have my clothes back.  A woman came in a few minutes later, whoops, no one knew I was in here.  Awesome.  Someone knew i was there, because they brought me breakfast, but at that point I didn't even want to waste my breath even mentioning that.  Get me the hell out of here!

All in all, my 24 hour stay wasn't a waste.  I now know that I probably wouldn't make it in real jail, or prison for a long period of time and I honestly don't know how people do it.....  Another humbling experience to add to my list of things I never want to experience again.  Thanks, but no thanks.  I get it.  I've got it.  Wont be getting myself in that pickle again!

Life in the bike lane.....

Well, it's day four back in the "real world" and also day four of depending solely on my parents and my own bike to get my butt to and from work. I also received an "impromptu" ride home from a friend when I was straight up stranded.  :) Thank God for friends and family.

I am learning that I actually do enjoy riding my bike. I've spent the whole summer with intentions of riding my bike, but never giving myself enough time (I need forty minutes to get to work, plus a little time to change...), and now I don't have any other choice. The only thing that has bothered me, is my backpack isn't big enough to carry all the things that I think I "need" to bring with me to work AND it gets so heavy that my injured shoulder starts to hurt a little, so I need to work on that. I'm going to go look for some fancy little saddlebags for my road bike today when I get off of work. 

I'm also learning, that while riding your bike, not only do you need to be cautious of vehicles, but also other bikers who aren't paying attention. I was nearly taken out by someone who went from the sidewalk to the bike lane, without even looking. She knew I was behind her, and catching up, because she cut me off when she turned onto the street and then pedaled like hell until she got to the sidewalk. From the sidewalk, she crossed intersections without looking for cars and I witnessed her almost get hit by one. She decided to jump from the sidewalk to the bike lane when she encountered a pedestrian. YEP, didn't even look in my direction. Really? Oh well, I'm sure I scared the shit out of her when, not even a second after she nearly knocked me off the road (if I hadn't been paying attention), I passed her. That's right. I'm not the type to get road rage and give her a piece of my mind, although, CLEARLY someone needs to. I'm just hoping it surprised her enough to maybe think to look next time. Just because you are wearing a helmet doesn't necessarily mean you are safe.  

So besides feeling like I'm back in high school, I don't mind the bike riding. Catching the occasional ride from my parents, or my neighbors (that sounds more mature) isn't all that bad either. My dad has this great idea to buy this old Ambulance from a friend for $500 and letting me drive that around. AWESOME. Let's add insult to injury. Can you imagine? I would be mortified. He does have plans to convert the ambulance into a delivery van for our store, with one of those advertising wraps. I would gladly drive that, but the ambulance just sound embarrassing. Then again, it would be a constant reminder. This is what should happen when you do something stupid, you should have to be called out on it again and again. I do deserve to be recognized for acting like a moron. I get it. All I can do now is laugh about it, and hurdle these obstacles, then move on, right?

I finally had the pleasure to talk to the man who called 911 the night of my accident, Ted. He was up there because him and his girlfriend (wife?) had been driving on a nearby road, trying to see if they could see the fire in Bonner. Wow, I've never been so grateful for a forrest fire. If he hadn't driven by, I honestly do not know how long it would have been before someone else drove by. Talking to Ted sort of gave me some closure. I think he was as happy to talk to me as I was him and I have a feeling that wont be the last time I speak to him. I'm grateful for all the good things that have come into my life, especially since the car wreck. More good then bad has come from it. I have woken up every day so excited for life, just happy to be here. I now have the perfect excuse to ride my bike (at least until the snow falls) and all the other things that I use to stress over, just don't seem to matter that much any more. I know it will all work it's way out over time, I just need to be patient. I'm learning allot about patience these days.

Next week I start my ACT class AND I have my 24 hour stay in "jail". I'm sure I will have a story to tell when I get done with that..... Stay tuned to hear about my nearest obstacle......

Prison Visitation

This past weekend I went to visit the prisoner, aka, my boyfriend, Eric.  This was my fourth trip down there and the timing couldn't have been any better, considering what had happened to both him and I in the past week.  Eric was put in the hole last Tuesday (also known as the shoe or solitary confinement) and is now under investigation for "threatening another inmate", which according to him is completely untrue.  What can I say, I believe him, one hundred percent, in the 6 years he's been incarcerated he's never once been in trouble.  If there is one thing I'm learning, the federal prison system does some shady things.  Let me give you some background.  One of Eric's good friends turned himself in to the hole because of some stuff that was going down in the yard, and when he was asked why, apparently he said he felt threatened.  The thing is, he had no one to point his fingers at, no name to give when he was asked, so the guards or whoever makes these decisions pulled two guys off the yard, Eric and the driver of the other white "car" (it's long story - the whole "car" metaphor). The interesting thing about this is the "other driver" had absolutely no ties to the friend who put himself in the hole.  In fact, this fellow, Randy, left the prison yesterday because his sentence is almost up, he's headed to a camp for the rest of his time, so the fact that they pulled him off the yard, a week before his release, looks a little suspicious.  Why would they do that?  Why would they pull Eric?  Probably because they were such close friends.  We will never know.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have become closer friends with the wife Eric's friend.....  I don't know, but I've thought about it.  I've been warned not to talk to Eric, on the phone or through e-mail,  about who I know and who I associate myself with that has any involvement with prison.  It's messed up.  Why would it matter who I talked to when I came down to see him?  What's even more ridiculous is that once you are out of prison, you are to have no contact with anyone that you may have met while in there.  Messed up?  I think so.  Why are you not allowed to stay in touch with other people who had gone through the same torment as you?  You spend day in and day out with the same people, creating a friendship and trust over the years.  Part of me thinks this whole thing happened to split up Eric's group of friends.  It's messed up and just makes his time left more of a headache, but there is nothing anyone can do.  He's assuming he will be let out of the hole in the next week or so.  I guess there is a mandatory 7 days that you have to stay in the hole.....  I'm suppose to raise hell if he's not out in a week.  I'm scared. I hate calling the prison, but I'll do it if I have to. So, what do I now know about solitary confinement.  DISCLAIMER - I asked permission from the prisoner before I blogged about this.  Well, first and foremost, Eric SHARED a cell.  With none other, but the other "driver", Randy (I guess he's way up there in Hell's Angels rankings....  I ALMOST asked for his autograph).  I didn't get the exact dimensions, but it's a small room with two beds (bunks???  IDK!) a toilet and an open shower.  I guess the guys made a shower curtain out of a pencil and a sheet.  WHAT?  This is Macguyver stuff all the way, I'm telling you!  This stuff really happens?  Yep.  You heard it here first.  I also learned about "fishing".  You make a "fishing line" out of shredded sheets that you spin until you have a type of rope, then you tie that to a weight, which you make out of the bottom part of a toothpaste bottle, packed with soap.  Seriously.  I think my mouth was hanging open when Eric told me.  They have THE BEST IDEAS, those prisoners.  I am confident that Eric will always be useful in making the things we may need with the supplies we have handy, and yes, he says he can make a weapon out of nearly anything, not like he's had too, but he knows how......  This is a low security prison people. So, what did he fish for?  I guess you may want to know how they use it.  It's like the prison system is asking for these guys to do these things, because it just so happens that there is a gap under the door.  Eric explained this way better, but you shoot out your weight to whatever door you want it to go under, and they put things under the weight, and you "reel" it back in.  He got stamps, paper, magazines, I think he even mentioned coffee.  No big deal.  lol.  It's not funny, but you can't help but laugh.  I really do enjoy learning about these things, and you'd never know, unless you knew somebody on the inside.  That man has promised me that we can write a book when he gets out.  He's got some stories!   The first day of visit went relatively smooth.  Of course they had changed the way you went through security.  Now there is a number system, it's like going to the DMV, you draw a number.  The annoying thing is that they wait to put the little number machine out.  The first two days it wasn't too bad, it was day three when it turned into a shit-show, but we wont get into that right now.  It was a completely different group of security guards this time, and for once, the female guard was really sweet and nice.  Thank god.  I totally beeped when I went through security, but they didn't care THIS TIME.  See?  I don't like how the rules are constantly changing.  It's more than annoying.   Since Eric was in the hole, I had to wait longer for him to get there then normal.  It usually takes 5 minutes for the inmates to come out, and I waited an extra 20 minutes.  The other sad part about him being in the hole, is our visit is cut short by an hour and 15 minutes.  I'll take that, it's better then not seeing him at all.  They brought him through the front door, and he's cuffed, such a criminal.  It's ridiculous.  Like if he weren't cuffed, he'd fight off the guards and go somewhere OTHER then visitation.  I'm the highlight of his month, he wouldn't be heading anywhere else.  He's so   dangerous, watch out!  Actually, if I were a guard I'd be scared of that 6'5" 260 pound man too.  It's his size that's intimidating, nothing else.  He's a teddy bear, although he likes to refer to himself as a Grizzly bear.  I can't wait for him to find out I wrote that! HA!  Either bear aside, I was more excited than I have been in any past trip to see him, cuffs, no cuffs, khaki or todays apparel, all orange.  When I say all orange, I mean ALL ORANGE.  Orange jumpsuit, orange undershirt, orange socks, orange shoes (which I would totally sport, they were SLICK).  Why so much orange?  Just in case he broke free, there would never be any doubt that he was a prisoner.  "Well, you know that orange jumpsuit looks suspicious, but see, he's wearing orange shoes, he's got to be an escaped prisoner." We spent the day catching up, since we hadn't talked in two whole days!  Did I mention when you are in the hole you are only allowed one phone call per week?  No e-mails, only snail mail.  Two days is a long time for him and I to go without talking.  He filled me in on what the hell was going on, it's scary not knowing exactly what is happening.  Even though we talked on the phone Wednesday, he couldn't necessarily tell me everything.  Nothing like the being listened to during EVERY conversation we have, via phone or e-mails.  Constantly being watched.  I've gotten used to it.  Go ahead and listen, I've got nothing to hide, well, except those pills I smuggled in my bra.......  (that's a joke).  We didn't do much more then talk, and eat that terrible food in the vending machines.  People are starting to notice just how much Eric can put away.  He's like a garbage disposal, but when you are that big......  What he doesn't understand, is he doesn't need to split everything in half.  He keeps trying to share everything with me, he's funny.  I have to constantly remind him that I'm half his size. Eric's cellmate, Randy, also had a visitor this past weekend.  Turns out there was something messed up and the guards tried to segregate our visits.  When Chris (Randy's girlfriend) came into the visitation room, the guards told her that she would have to wait until 11 to visit Randy, and I would have to leave at 11.  I had not been informed of that, and honestly, it made no sense, they are cellmates, why would they have to be separated?  F'd up prison system.  Thank god for Chris, she raised hell and asked to talk to the Warden (didn't know you could do that, but apparently you can....) and within 5 minutes she had sorted out the mess, the whole time, Eric and I completely oblivious to what was going on.  I told Chris later, that if that had happened to me, my reaction would have been to cry, because THAT'S WHAT I DO..... I noticed that Randy had a braided pony tale with what looked like white ribbon woven in it and I asked Eric about that.  It was the elastic from his sock.  SERIOUSLY.  The things you wouldn't realize could come in handy..... I can't get enough about these things you can make, out of other things.  I love it.  I think I could publish a "prisoners craft book", it's a good idea..... I wont bore you with the details of my three days of visitation.  They went as smoothly as they could and solidified our relationship even further.  Something about this prisoner has got me memorized.  When I'm with him, the rest of the world shuts off, my mind feels clear.  I know if I could just bring his shoulder home with me, I'd finally get a good nights sleep :(  We talked about my accident and he told me how he could tell, when he'd call me and I had been drinking, which made me sad, I thought I was covering it up.  He said when that happened, he knew right off the bat that it was a wasted phone call, because he only got a part of the real Kristal....  And as I write this, on my flight home (which I nearly missed because I tried to outsmart my GPS......) I feel as good as I have in the past two weeks.  I don't know when I'll be back to see him, but I know I will see him again, and I know I will be the one there to pick him up when he finally gets out.  What I need to do now, is spend this time, out here, bettering myself.  I thought that's what I was doing, but I think I just got caught up in the excitement that having a few drinks gave me. Eric described it best when he said, "think how many good ideas you missed when you were numbing your brain."  I'm now on my quest to see my full potential, and I'm very excited to see where I go from here.  What now?  (LOVE THAT!)  I am getting the best advice from your comments people!  Keep them coming!

A new lease on life

A friend mentioned that in a message to me last week.  I definitely feel that way.  I feel like I have a clean slate, and my life will be, from here on out, what I make of it.  The crazy thing about this, it's always been my choice. I wish somebody had told me that sooner.  I wonder, why did I have to find this out the hard way?  This girl, who thought she was suicidal six months ago, with nothing left to look forward to, is now standing here thinking, "the last thing I want is to be dead."  It took a nearly fatal car wreck to realize this for myself. Sometimes I wonder if there is such thing as a past life.  Did I die in my past life and decide, 'for my next life, I want it to be a challenge.'  That's what it feel like.  Why else would I constantly do these things to myself?  It happens over and over again.  Constantly tripping myself and giving myself metaphorical "black eyes".  Why Why Why??? Not a question I'll ever be able to answer, I'm sure of that.  What I can do is move forward from here.  And as I type on my slightly unbalanced wireless keyboard, that managed to survive the wreck, but needs one corner cushioned by a napkin so it doesn't bounce while I type, I'm thinking, wow, I do think I am moving forward.  lol.  The only thing lost amongst the wreckage was an iphone that I was going to try switch my phone to.....  Sad day, but life can go on without an iphone.   My dad went back to the car last week to look at it again, and discovered a small bag of jewelry that I had stowed in the center console, in case of emergency.  How embarrassing is that?  I carried around all my good jewelry, most of it given to me by my ex over the years, just in case I needed fast cash while I had been on my road trip.  I felt totally busted and a little ashamed of myself for even considering selling "gifts".  Another low point.  Oh well. So where am I now?  I'm currently spending my last day in Arizona.  Trying to sort out my life before I jump back in.  This trip couldn't have been planned at any better time, considering.  The three day weekend visit with Eric went as good as it could have.  He gave me exactly what I needed.  Not only do I feel loved by him, but I feel like he is right here with me as I go through my struggles.  I told him what I hated was being alone at night because that's when I think about my wreck.  His response was that I was never alone when I was thinking about that, because he thought about it to.  Have I mentioned that I'm in love with this man?   He also lectured me in the kindest most loving way.  He said exactly what I needed to hear, and even put me in my place when I was making up excuses about how I wasn't an alcoholic.  I can't even explain it.  Everyone has been unusually nice to me about what happened.  My friends and family especially.  I don't feel like I deserve to be "let off so easily", but maybe everyone knows that I will beat myself about it, I don't need anyone else to do it.  What I did was stupid.  Probably, THE stupidest thing that I have ever done and will ever do.  I am both humbled and thankful that nothing worse happened, and I really hope this helps me become the best person I can be.  I have some definite goals now, the first and foremost one being, to get through these next six months, get my license back, and pay off my new debts.  Lucky me, but I do deserve these punishments.  They are small.  They really are.  It's nothing.  I now can see why people in Montana get multiple DUI's, it's a slap on the wrist, hardly more then a monetary punishment, and not much on that even.  Of course, I had to learn it the hard way, and that may be because I wouldn't have learned any other way.  I know it in my heart that this was the ONLY way for me to really learn my lesson. Lesson Learned PEOPLE!  You heard it first.  I will never drink and drive again.  I'll probably never speed again.  I'll most likely never drink again.  I'll hold myself accountable.  I've been really thinking about the things I've done when I've been drunk, and 99% of the things I regret, have happened after a few drinks.  I don't like that girl, so, I'm hoping she will just go away.  I think she's also attached to that rude voice in my head that tells me how terrible of a person I am.  For some reason I haven't heard from either of them in the past week.  Maybe they died in the wreckage??  It's all metaphorical, so don't take me as someone who is going insane, hearing voices.  Take me for an "average joe" just figuring out life, at 30.  This year has been an amazing trip, my world has literally been turned upside down and I'm ready to clean up this mess I've made. For those of you who are waiting for more juicy details of my prison visit. That's tomorrows blog :)

Survival Mode

That's what my friend called it.  She's exactly right.  Beyond the traumatic events surrounding last Saturday nights car accident, I do have other turmoil that I am dealing with.  Unfortunately, I cannot share with you the detailed events that lead up to how I'm currently feeling, let's just say, I'm back in Safford. For those of you who don't know what's going on, I suggest you scroll down to the beginning of my blogging (this past May) to get caught up, but the short story is, I'm visiting Eric, my prisoner. :)  Allot has happened in the past week, that involves him being put in solitary confinement, and I'm not even sure why he is in there, but I find myself questioning who I can trust.  That's the problem with being such an honest, trusting person I guess.  It's funny, because I lied all the time when I was in high school, and even kind of recently, but I can honestly say that I don't lie anymore.  In fact, I've been told that I'm a little too honest, to the point (those of you closest to me know this) that I can't keep a secret.  Even my girl Compton should know that....  and my sister, she manages to get the brunt of all my "lack of keeping secrets..." I'm working on this so called "imperfection", I guess I need to filter when the secret is important enough to not be shared and even sometimes determining if something that is told to me is suppose to be a secret, I mean, come on? We've all had that, right?  Someone tells us something without saying, "shhhhh it's a secret" and you don't know it is until you've told somebody else, and then SUDDENLY you're in trouble because you said something you shouldn't have.  Am I alone here?  I doubt it. Either way, what I'm trying to do is release some stress so I can sleep tonight.  Let's see, I'm now on night 7 with hardly any sleep.  I lay in bed with my "loratabbed" mind hard at work.  I think about Eric.  I dwell over the "what could have beens" involving my wreck.  I could be dead.  I could be deformed.  I could be headed to prison.  I could have ruined my families life.  I could be a completely different person because I was brain injured.  Could have could have could have. It could have been worse.  I know.  I am trying to let it go, trying to release this pain that I have caused on myself, but it's hard.  I know it hasn't hardly been a week, and these pretty severe ups and downs should be expected. That's where survival mode comes into play.  I called my dear friend Alecia in a bit of a panic, she knows the ins and outs of whats going on, and this most recent "thing" involving Eric has got me in a bit of a mind-mess, if you will.  I'm not sure how I would handle this, if I hadn't almost killed myself a week ago, so I think I'm handling it well, but I've become very paranoid.  Not good when there are other people involved, and I can't say much because they might read my blog and I don't want to offend anyone, any more then I already have.   It's hard, dealing with Eric being where he is, but I don't really have a choice here. I've been thinking allot about what would have happened if Eric hadn't stumbled into my life. This is how I play it out......  I may not have had the courage to admit my marriage was a failure, and since my divorce sort of fueled me to do positive things for myself, there are several people who wouldn't be in my life, I know I wouldn't have had the courage to be the one to reach out for their friendships.  The wreck probably, inevitably, would have happened, but instead of just pain for myself, I would have tortured myself over what I had done to Cody.  I've done it before in different situations, and that self sabotage may have quite honestly been the end for me.  I'm sure my wreck would have ended our marriage, so not only would I be going through the stress of my wreck, I'd be dealing with the pain that divorce causes to.  Let me just say this.  I am so happy I was strong enough to commit to my divorce when I did.  Sorry Cody :(  I know I've hurt him and his family in more ways then I can possibly count or make up for, but this is still my life.  Without this prisoner, who is haunting my dreams (in a good way), I wouldn't have overcome my first obstacle.  Without him, I wouldn't have propelled myself to reach out and ask a stranger if she wanted to go get coffee sometime, because I just had a feeling about her.  Turns out we strangely have allot in common.  She is now my closest friend and someone who I can confide in.  She has come to my rescue more then once and I only hope that I do the same for her.  She knows who she is.  And yet another friend to add to my "amazing friend" list.  How did I get so deserving and lucky?? Enough said.  It's mostly off my chest.  I know if I get out what I'm thinking, perhaps I'll be able to sleep tonight, without those scary night terrors I've been having.  I need to be strong tomorrow and well rested, so I can take whatever punches that may come my way.  Wish me luck.  I know I don't need it, I just have to stay in that positive mind that comes and goes, which is exactly where "survival mode" came from.  Right now I'm in survival mode.  I need to get through this time while Eric is where he is, and someday we can move on with our lives, together.  He is my 'Anchor to Sanity' (thank you sister and Alecia for those......)

???

I'm sitting here in Arizona.  I still have a few days before I see Eric, and it's honestly too hot to do anything outside.  I'm trying to wrap my brain around the fact that people actually chose to live here in the summer, but I suppose that's what others think about us crazies who spend the long winters in Montana.  It's currently 112 outside.   I have work to do.  I have plenty of things to keep me busy, but for some reason I have absolutely no motivation, and I don't understand why.  I feel lethargic.  I'm sore, I'm tired and I don't know what to do with myself.  This sucks.  I haven't worked out since my run last Saturday, so I know that's part of it, but I honestly don't know if my body is ready for that sort of torment :(, you should see the bruise that is finally showing up on my wrist.  I suppose it's just another reminder of what could have been. I do keep going back to the car accident.  I know there was more to learn from it, besides 'don't drink and drive'.  I did feel unusually great after it happened, probably because I was so grateful to be alive, and I still am grateful.  That date will forever be engrained as the first day of the rest of my life.  It could have been on my headstone....  I just wish I new the answer.  Where do I go from here?  I'm sure the appropriate doors will be opened at the right time, but is it too much to ask for a little guidance?  I guess I'm still struggling with where to even start? I'm sure Eric will have some answers, it's really amazing how calm and collected he can be about things.  I cannot wait to talk to him.  He did call yesterday, so at least I know that it's nothing serious, nothing that might affect his time, but I guess there is a chance that he might get moved, and if he does, he does.  I can live with that.  What I can't live with is not knowing what is going on. I just realized that I've been watching JCTV for the past hour.  No wonder I had no idea who these musicians were.  lol.  Can't say the music was too bad.....