Where do I even start? I guess the beginning. I'm not sure if I have already written about my "sentencing". When I went to court a few weeks ago to face my DUI charges, I was sentenced to one day in jail. GREAT. The receptionist informed me that is was no worse than, "big kid time out", whatever the hell that means. I had to call the phone number they gave me, and make a "reservation" for my stay. I was informed that I had to go to the pre-release center, next to the jail, and it would cost me $75, cash.
What can I say. I wasn't looking forward to my day in jail. I had no idea what to expect. The guy on the phone told me I could bring a book, and they would supply me with clothing to wear. I'm not real sure what the whole point of this was, but I had to do it. Is it just me, or is this the first time you've EVER heard of this? I have friends with DUI's. Either no one talks about it, or this is a new thing..... OR it has something to do with the fact that I was in the hospital instead of jail the night of the accident. I don't know. What I do know, is when I was shamefully dropped off by my mother, since I have no car, and my bike tire went flat (that's another story), I was fighting back tears. This was humiliating.
So, I found my way to the pre-release center at 9 am, Wednesday morning, and hit the buzzer, notifying them that I was at the counter. Low and behold, it's a familiar face who appears before me. I have no idea his name, but I KNOW he went to school with me. One of those faces you've seen in the hallways of every school you ever went to since elementary.... this couldn't get much worse. He never said anything about me looking familiar. I still have my married name, so maybe he didn't recognize me. That's fine. I don't want to be recognized. He takes me up a flight of stairs and checks me in, asking me all sorts of ridiculous questions. 'Are you suicidal?' - um, if I was, I wouldn't be admitting to that. Then when he fingerprinted me, I managed to put my left thumb in the spot that said right thumb..... I was nervous, okay? The most ridiculous part is the left thumb spot is on the left side of the paper, and the right side is on the right..... I somehow managed to screw that one up. This is me in real life. I don't make this up!
After finagling with this fellow, he said "no" to the Ipad, but he did allow me to not only bring my book, but also a magazine, a notebook and a pen. Little did I know, there would be pens and pencils and a whole closet filled with magazines that dated back to 1995 and books with the covers ripped off. No one tells you about these added bonuses. Before I went into lock up, there was one more thing. My outfit. It was lovely. I had to change from my skinny jeans and tank top, to this beautiful ensemble of mustard yellow sweat pants, with the elastic around the bottoms, my absolute favorite (that's sarcasm) and a sweet matching t-shirt with "MDC - Missoula Detention Center" in large black letters across the back, just in case I tried to escape, there would be no mistaking where I belonged.
I was escorted to a small room, actually it was fairly spacious, considering it had, two bunk beds, a metal closet and a table with four chairs. There was also an adjoining bathroom with a door. I had allowed my imagination to think the very worst, so I was picturing a barren room with beds and a toilet in the corner. You can thank the "prison" lifestyle, I've become a little to familiar with, for that one.... It was about the quality of a clean, but cheap, motel. I was informed that if I really needed to, I could get out, but only if there was a fire drill, and the door would be locked from the outside and only people with keys could get in. That's good news, because honestly, I don't trust any of these former criminals in the pre-release center. Sorry. My familiar faced classmate shut the door, and I was left alone, for the next 24 hours.
Alone?! I know, right? I guess at times this room could hold four people at once, and I don't know if that would have been a blessing or a curse. If they were people like me, I would have been entertained, but what if it had been some lunatic? I think I'm better off by myself..... So what did I do? Well, I spent the first two hours reading. My friend had suggested a book "A Stolen Life" by Jaycee D.....something, it's the autobiography of that girl who was kidnapped when she was 11 and held captive for 18 years. Incredible story. Thank you Leslie and Sam for letting me borrow the book. It made me feel less sorry for myself. Life could be so much worse. At least that's what I was thinking until they brought me my lunch. P U K E. I'm sorry, but it's almost as if they INTENTIONALLY make it inedible. They bring your food on a tray, with a lid, so you get excited, because it smells kind of good, and I was starving since I was unsure about the bathroom situation, I didn't eat much that morning. I take the lid off to find a hoagie roll, that had been microwaved or something, since the bread was rock hard and inside it were these huge slices of roast beef....
"Excuse me, I ordered the vegetarian jailbird meal...."
On top of the meat was this lovely nacho cheese sauce, that even I wouldn't put on my nachos, and onions. GROSS. To top it all off, they gave me Au Ju (spelling?) to dip it in..... Probably to soften up the bread. It was f'ing sick. There was also a concoction of broccoli, several types of bean and onions, french fries and a lovely spoonful of what looked like instant vanilla pudding, set right on top of my fries. Really? There was no effort in aim here. Thanks guys, that was delicious. I see why I had to pay you 75 dollars to sit in this room, so you could feed me shit. Did I tell you I was on a diet?
Seriously. The excitement of my day was the disappointing meals they served me. After lunch, I took a nap, where I had this terrible nightmare that I ran over my dog. I was woken up (the first of many) by the jingling of keys opening the door to take away the remnants of my lunch. A little while later I was awoken again when someone came in with a clock. This was both good and bad. I was happy to know what time it was (12:30), great, only 20 1/2 more hours, but I soon took notice to the very loud ticking noise. If there is one thing I HATE, it's a clock with a loud second hand. Ask my mother, I'm pretty sure I have removed batteries out of her clocks more than once when I've slept at her house, usually forgetting to replace it in the morning. When I hear the clock ticking, it's the only thing I can focus on and pretty soon I can't even THINK. TICK TICK TICK TICK.
I did manage to fall asleep again, until about 3 and when I woke, I had an epiphany..... I put the clock in the bathroom and shut the door. Duh. That only took four hours to figure out.... I finished my book around five, had another terrible meal, and sat around for the next few hours being bored out of my mind until it was finally dark out. It was sort of a restless long night, and every time I fell asleep I'd be rudely woken up by the door opening and someone checking on me. I'm not going anywhere people.....
Around 6 am they brought me breakfast..... Another wasted meal. It's like they went out of their way to overcook the eggs. Yuck. Is this where cooks go for their first job or something? I don't get it..... I finally got up around 8, took a quick shower and then sat around, waiting, and waiting..... It was finally 9:05 when I got the courage to stick my head out the door and ask the guy at the desk if I could have my clothes back. A woman came in a few minutes later, whoops, no one knew I was in here. Awesome. Someone knew i was there, because they brought me breakfast, but at that point I didn't even want to waste my breath even mentioning that. Get me the hell out of here!
All in all, my 24 hour stay wasn't a waste. I now know that I probably wouldn't make it in real jail, or prison for a long period of time and I honestly don't know how people do it..... Another humbling experience to add to my list of things I never want to experience again. Thanks, but no thanks. I get it. I've got it. Wont be getting myself in that pickle again!
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