A new lease on life

A friend mentioned that in a message to me last week.  I definitely feel that way.  I feel like I have a clean slate, and my life will be, from here on out, what I make of it.  The crazy thing about this, it's always been my choice. I wish somebody had told me that sooner.  I wonder, why did I have to find this out the hard way?  This girl, who thought she was suicidal six months ago, with nothing left to look forward to, is now standing here thinking, "the last thing I want is to be dead."  It took a nearly fatal car wreck to realize this for myself. Sometimes I wonder if there is such thing as a past life.  Did I die in my past life and decide, 'for my next life, I want it to be a challenge.'  That's what it feel like.  Why else would I constantly do these things to myself?  It happens over and over again.  Constantly tripping myself and giving myself metaphorical "black eyes".  Why Why Why??? Not a question I'll ever be able to answer, I'm sure of that.  What I can do is move forward from here.  And as I type on my slightly unbalanced wireless keyboard, that managed to survive the wreck, but needs one corner cushioned by a napkin so it doesn't bounce while I type, I'm thinking, wow, I do think I am moving forward.  lol.  The only thing lost amongst the wreckage was an iphone that I was going to try switch my phone to.....  Sad day, but life can go on without an iphone.   My dad went back to the car last week to look at it again, and discovered a small bag of jewelry that I had stowed in the center console, in case of emergency.  How embarrassing is that?  I carried around all my good jewelry, most of it given to me by my ex over the years, just in case I needed fast cash while I had been on my road trip.  I felt totally busted and a little ashamed of myself for even considering selling "gifts".  Another low point.  Oh well. So where am I now?  I'm currently spending my last day in Arizona.  Trying to sort out my life before I jump back in.  This trip couldn't have been planned at any better time, considering.  The three day weekend visit with Eric went as good as it could have.  He gave me exactly what I needed.  Not only do I feel loved by him, but I feel like he is right here with me as I go through my struggles.  I told him what I hated was being alone at night because that's when I think about my wreck.  His response was that I was never alone when I was thinking about that, because he thought about it to.  Have I mentioned that I'm in love with this man?   He also lectured me in the kindest most loving way.  He said exactly what I needed to hear, and even put me in my place when I was making up excuses about how I wasn't an alcoholic.  I can't even explain it.  Everyone has been unusually nice to me about what happened.  My friends and family especially.  I don't feel like I deserve to be "let off so easily", but maybe everyone knows that I will beat myself about it, I don't need anyone else to do it.  What I did was stupid.  Probably, THE stupidest thing that I have ever done and will ever do.  I am both humbled and thankful that nothing worse happened, and I really hope this helps me become the best person I can be.  I have some definite goals now, the first and foremost one being, to get through these next six months, get my license back, and pay off my new debts.  Lucky me, but I do deserve these punishments.  They are small.  They really are.  It's nothing.  I now can see why people in Montana get multiple DUI's, it's a slap on the wrist, hardly more then a monetary punishment, and not much on that even.  Of course, I had to learn it the hard way, and that may be because I wouldn't have learned any other way.  I know it in my heart that this was the ONLY way for me to really learn my lesson. Lesson Learned PEOPLE!  You heard it first.  I will never drink and drive again.  I'll probably never speed again.  I'll most likely never drink again.  I'll hold myself accountable.  I've been really thinking about the things I've done when I've been drunk, and 99% of the things I regret, have happened after a few drinks.  I don't like that girl, so, I'm hoping she will just go away.  I think she's also attached to that rude voice in my head that tells me how terrible of a person I am.  For some reason I haven't heard from either of them in the past week.  Maybe they died in the wreckage??  It's all metaphorical, so don't take me as someone who is going insane, hearing voices.  Take me for an "average joe" just figuring out life, at 30.  This year has been an amazing trip, my world has literally been turned upside down and I'm ready to clean up this mess I've made. For those of you who are waiting for more juicy details of my prison visit. That's tomorrows blog :)