Introducing White Falcon

"All great changes are preceded by chaos"

I've been blog slacking!  Well, it's kind of funny and ironic, because I was about to blog about being annoyed with my car, only to discover this half finished blog from several weeks ago.....

(From 10/04/11)
Well, hopefully my carless days are over.  After weeks of waiting and looking for the perfect "affordable" car, I've finally got something.  My ultimate goal was to get into something quick, without a car payment.  This means an old car, with high miles.  Not the greatest feeling in the world, to go from a car from this decade to one that's nearly three times as old, with over 200,000 miles.  YIKES, but as long as this 96' 4Runner gets me through the winter, I'll be happy.

Surprisingly, I found it on craigslist. I think it might have been for sale for a few months, because when I saw the ad, the price had been reduced.  hmmmmmm....  worth looking at.  A bit of a lemon, but with a little work I can have this thing in tip-toppish shape.  It only needs a new window, a stereo, brakes, and front seat (stuck in recline, in the farthest back position - just doesn't work for this shorty), not to mention some serious DEEP CLEANING.  I went through deep clean, phase one, last night, and it is looking better.  I also started my search for a new front seat yesterday.  A tedious task of calling the local wreck yards and seeing if they had the right one.  I learned that the 96' model 4Runner was a new body style, so nothing older than that would work. Boo!!!!  I found seats that were in excellent shape, but the hardware was wrong.  That was at the junkyard in Bonner.  Those guys were super helpful, but suggested I call the Russians.

The Russians?

You heard me, and that's exactly what I said when they suggested I call them.  I was told that they had a junkyard and would quite possibly have many Toyotas to choose from....  that was yesterday.

So, today, I wake up in good spirits.  It's pouring rain, but that's okay, because I have a car now and I don't have to depend on anyone.  I covered all of my bases yesterday and updated the licensing and insurance.  I could legally drive my car.  I decided to get into town early, and take the Pattee Canyon route, just to see how the car (or is it a truck.....) drove.  As I was heading through town, down Higgins, I noticed the brakes grinding a bit, and so I was very much distracted by them as I came over the Higgins street bridge, nearly running a light, but decided to slam on my brakes to see how they sounded.  That's when I saw the motorcycle cop, waiting out in front of the Macy's building, getting situated to ruin somebodies day.  Suckers.

As the light turned green, the bike cop pulls into the right lane and stops traffic because he slows down.  Hmmmmmmm.  There is no way I'm being pulled over.  I pass him, hesitantly, but also trying to look as un-guilty as possible.  I am driving to work.  This is totally legal, even with a provisional license.  It doesn't matter what I do now, if there is a cop, I feel guilty.  Sure enough, the cop pulls behind me and turns his lights on as I turn onto Main Street.

Great. Just great.  Not only does this just suck.  I feel like a fool, because I still have a broken seat and I look like an asshole because my backpack is propped up behind me so I can reach the pedals.  Apparently I was speeding.  36 in a 25.  Whoops.  I've never been pulled over for speeding before.  NEVER.  And now that I have a restricted license, I get pulled over.  Awesomeness.  Great.  I'm just happy I woke up in a good mood today.  

When I got to work I called the Russians.  Fedan was his name and he was very helpful.  He told me to come out to the yard in the afternoon, which I did, but with my father.  You can't go visiting Russians alone.  This is common knowledge.  I probably sound racist, but if you are from Missoula, you've heard about the Russians being involved with stolen cars, so it's hard not to stereotype them, especially when the guys at the other wreck yard tell you that they had to stop doing business with these Russians because they were taking stolen vehicles and putting other vin numbers on them and selling them...... 

That's as far as I got, HA!

(We are back to our current date :)
What about the Russians?  I ended up getting a seat that almost matches identically, from the Russians, for $60.  I now know how to install a seat, so if you need help.  I'm just saying.  After that, I decided to change my own oil, since I now know how to do that, only to spend two hours trying to get the G D filter off, and failing. When I walked into my house, my roommate was real insistent that I take a picture for Eric, but I wouldn't allow it.  I was COVERED in oil, from head to toe.  HOW?  I have no idea.  Pure frustration I guess is a magnet to dirt and oil when you are a little girl under a car struggling to do something herself....  No thank you.  I'm over trying to change the oil on my own.  I did successfully change the battery, which died two weeks into my ownership.  :(  A bit of a lemon, but only because of it's age, if there's one thing about toyotas, they will last if you take care of them!  I also ultimately had to get the brakes fixed, so now I've pumped in another $500 into this rig, which, honestly, I absolutely LOVE.  I do.  I was meant to have an SUV.  Never again will I drive an old lady car.  You have my word!

As for my speeding ticket, that cost me $84.  I wont get into it.  It's kind of a sore subject, but that's over and done with, now can we please just move one without any more "incidents".  Cody teased me about my speeding ticket, only to get one of his own the very next day.  Karma?  Maybe.  :)

Here's me crossing my fingers that I make it through the winter with this blessed beast....  I've been told It needs a name....  White Falcon? 

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." - unknown

It's been another set of interesting days.... Sunday I ran the Blue Mountain 30k, which for those of you who don't know, is 18.6 miles, but to make it easier, we are going to call it 19 miles. I ran 19 miles on Sunday. I ran up 3,600 feet to the top of a mountain, and then back down. Okay okay, I'll be honest, I walked little parts of it and I didn't do it alone. I had a very close friend of mine help me get through this, while endouring her own physical pain. This isn't easy people, and for me, this was such a significant goal to accomplish. I did the same run last year. I weighed a solid twenty pounds more, was still married, and didn't consider myself a runner. Last year it took me a grueling 5 hours. Last year I came in dead last. This year was different. I was hoping to beat my time, but after the car accident, I allowed myself to be happy just finishing again. Even if I were dead last. I was going to be okay with that. The race started at 8:30, at The Peak, and as the group of 100 racers started to climb the hill, we began to spread out. By the time we reached the trailhead, the elite runners were long gone, but surprisingly, we weren't dead last. I sort of expected it to happen. Last year I got behind right in the beginning and was passed by the old lady around mile nine, which was a little discouraging. I'm not a sore loser, and I'm not competitive, so it wasn't the end of the world to be last... But still. I was determined to at least finish second to last this day..... As we continued to climb, people started to slow down to a hike. We did a great job keeping our 'slow jog' going for the first six miles, passing the hikers one at a time. Even an uncompetative girl enjoys passing people. :). I remember getting to the top where we cold take in our first view of the valley and thinking about how last year I could see the sweepers catching up with me. Sweepers are the people who come at the end, making sure there isn't anyone lying dead on the trail. That's how slow I was last year..... They were clipping at my heels the whole time. Not this time. As I looked down the hill I saw people that were actually in this race with me. As I looked ahead of me, same thing, there were people. I wasn't last, I was in the middle of the pack. It might have been the back of the pack, pack, but still! The whole race I felt stronger then I had a year ago. I kept thinking about how far I have come in this past year. I've had such a crazy year. If you would have told me a year ago that a year from then I'd be divorced, dating an incarcerated felon, totaled my car in a life threatening accident, adopted a second dog, had a roommate, gotten a DUI, stopped drinking, among so many other small changes in my life, I would have laughed at you. Yeah right. Not this girl. She doesn't take chances. Life was safe back then. Not the greatest or happiest, but safe. I finished the race 50 minutes faster then last year. Now that's progress. No? I'm still a little in shock, when my friend Mandy suggested we try to run the race in 4 hours I laughed at her, but as we crossed that finish line in 4 hours, 9 minutes, I started to believe in myself a little bit more. This is awesome! I can't wait for next years 30k. I'll actually get to train properly for it. Who knows where I will be then. I CAN'T WAIT!

The Dreaded Act Class

As I sat in night two of my Act class, I looked around wondering who would be back in here?  The likelyhood is pretty high, there are already 5 or 6 repeat offenders, some with their 3rd DUI.   ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Obviously, there is something very messed up going on here.  A girl I've met in class, who is there on her 3rd DUI charge, wearing an ankle bracelet, informed me that the last Act class she took, they weren't even required to stay, they just signed in and left.  Nice.  What a messed up system we have.  No wonder no one gets it..... Those were my thoughts from a few days ago, but now that I'm done, I do have to say, I got something from that class.  I now know that I have a problem.  After I based a judgement on a girl I didn't even know, who had multiple DUI's, I sat back and thought about my own life.  If I hadn't been lucky, I could have been on my fourth DUI by now.  That's how many times I was pulled over, before I got in trouble for it.  See what I mean about not learning my lesson?   The first time was late one night, or early one morning more like it, after being at the bars, and driving through Taco Bell (you know you've done it), I was pulled over by a cop as I drove the back road behind the UM campus.  As the  cop walked up to the window, a friend in the backseat, not so quietly said, "oh shit, breathalyzer!"  Jesus Christ "friend"  shut up!  lol  She knows who she is.....  and has struggled with many of the same alcohol related problems that I've been dealing with, and I'd say we are closer then ever.  The cop ended up letting me off the hook and telling us to walk back to our rooms.  We had lied and told him we lived in the dorms.  Whoops.  I think we ended up walking our one friend back to their room and then returning to the car thirty minutes later, just to get behind the wheel (still drunk) and drive home. I think the second time I was pulled over I was living at my parents house again (I may have been the first time), which means, I was underage....  All three of my prior "pull overs" where I should have been arrested, I wasn't even 21 yet....  This is what happens when you start drinking at the age of 15.  I even had strict parents, which may have made me more defiant, because I wanted to prove to everyone that I was as bad as they made me out to be, and more (because I got away with more...) So, the second time I get pulled over, I was about a half mile from the Pattee Canyon turn off when I saw that lights.  The cop ended up knowing my dad.  So, instead of arresting me, he thinks he's doing me a favor (which, actually, he was enabling me..... teaching me that I can get out of things) he takes me to the gas station and calls my parents.  It was embarrassing, but I can't say in either of these instances did I learn anything from it.  I never remember thinking, "I'll never drink and drive again."  Nope.  Never even crossed my mind. The third time, still underage, it was after bar time and I ran a stop sign.  I had just gotten my tongue pierced and I thought that if I chugged the bottle of mouth wash (alcohol based, I know....) before I rolled down my window.  The cop never even asked if I had been drinking, just gave me a ticket for running the sign and sent me on my drunk little way.  So I guess what I'm getting at.....  I had my chances.  I had many chances to never do this again, but I didn't learn.  I promise you, and myself even more, I've learned my lesson.  This last one was the lesson I needed to straighten myself out.  I obviously have a problem. I'm an alcoholic.  I'm not the kind who wakes up and needs a drink, although I've done it....  Hair of the dog anyone?  Who doesn't like a bloody mary or a mimosa (my all time favorite Vegas "poolside" drink)?  The scariest thing is admitting this to myself.  I am having a terrible time wrapping my head around the fact that I wont ever have another glass of wine on my deck or a beer with Mexican food.  That's an indicator that I have a problem right there.  I associate certain drinks with certain activities.  Beer to me = football, friday night happy hour, mexican food, a reward after a long run, concerts.....  Wine?  hmmm  I guess I would associate that with ladies night, a good meal and a way to wind down after work....  on the deck, of course.  It's hard to imagine not using my stemless wine glasses for what they are made for....  ever again.  But, at the same time, it's not something I want right now.  That's sort of a lie.  I say to myself I don't want it.  I even feel like it's the last thing I want, but that's because I know what the consequences could be if I did drink, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about it.  I do. I think about it ALL THE TIME.  Why is it, when there is something you can't have, you want it even more?   I think I explained what I learned from my Act class best when I wrote an e-mail to Eric on Wednesday night.  I'm just going to include it in the blog because I think it's very relevant... I wanted to tell you about class. For once, I got something out of it.  I learned quite a few things.  There are 4 phases to becoming an alcoholic.....  There are phases 1, 2 and 3, where each higher number phase = making more high risk choices, but most people can keep themselves in phase 1 or 2, where they can control their consumption of alcohol.  Phase 4 is where you can't control when you are going to lose control.....  There is way more to it, and I'll have the book with me tomorrow (we have to leave it at the end of class, but we get to take it tomorrow).  If you are a phase 4 drinker, the only way to avoid "incidents".....  you guessed it, abstinence....  and guess where this girl falls.......  Phase 4 :(  There was this list of 12 yes or no questions that we had to answer (again, I don't have the book....  but), I had answered yes to all but 2 of the questions, and I glanced over at the dude next to me, he had answered no to most of them.  Fuck.   Can I really be an alcoholic?   Could this really be happening to me at age thirty?  Do I really have to quit for the rest of my life??  My brain cant quite wrap itself around this concept, so for now we are going with the one year goal, (one month down...) and maybe by then I wont think about it, but I do right now.  I think about having a glass of wine, how nice it would be to just sit on the deck, it's not going to harm anyone if I'm at home, right?  Just that thought alone is a sign that I have a problem.  A phase 1 person can take it or leave it....  a phase 4 person looks forward to that drink, and gets upset when they can't have that.  I can't tell you how many times I'd be at a bar and forgotten my ID, and when they wouldn't serve me I'd get pissed off....  It shouldn't fucking matter....  I shouldn't care if I had a drink or not.  I shouldn't feel the need for it. I have beer in my fridge.  Just to prove to myself I don't need it.  A phase 1 2 or 3 person doesn't feel the need to prove anything to anyone.....  but a phase 4 person.... yep.  Just when I thought this class was a complete joke, I started to get it.  Wow.  After we figured out what phase we were at we had to answer a few questions.  How does it make you feel?  I feel sad.  I feel frustrated with this situation that I put MYSELF in.  I feel pathetic.  I feel like a failure to my family.  I feel a tiny little bit lost....  But all that being said, I feel hopeful.  I feel as if life can only get better from here on out, right?  I mean there is a reason that I'm figuring this out at a young age, and hopefully I wont be back in that class in my 60s.....  like a few folks in there. We watched some videos that interviewed real people who had killed friends, strangers, whoever, in drunk driving accidents and we had to talk about it afterwards.  I was SHOCKED by the amount of people in the class who had been in accidents more than once.  WHAT?  Are you kidding me?  There is proof right there that it could happen again, and that's what scares me the most.  There is a girl in my class who's (as she said) "love of her life" got in a drunk driving accident and died of hypothermia.  I think everyone there knows of people who have died in alcohol related crashes, and did any of us learn from that, NOPE.  More proof, that you have to learn from your own mistakes....  and some people don't learn.  It's sad, really. The truth will set me free.  I know in my heart that this is all true about myself, but it's painful...  The good news is.  I'd say 99.9% of the friends I have, I can socialize with outside of drinking, and would support me for not drinking.  The counselor was talking about how allot of alcoholics, when they sober up, have to get a whole new set of friends, so I feel blessed that I'm not THAT bad off.  Drunk Kristal just can't come out anymore.  She may seem fun in the beginning, but she's got a dark side so she wont be making it to the party,  sorry.  I doubt anyone will even notice she's gone.  You know why?  Because sober Kristal is pretty rad herself, and she's finding herself again.... That's another thing.  Something called State Dependency, when we drink, we learn certain things and then we only are good at these skills when we are drinking.  For instance, I'm pretty good at pool, when I'm drunk.  Sober....  nope.  I suck.  I was discussing this with Sam, she's un beatable at beer pong, when she's drunk, but not as good when she's sober.  When I asked her if she learned to play when she was drunk, she was like, "probably".  Allot of men learn to pick up women, when they are drunk, but when they are sober they are super shy and don't know how to talk to girls..... There's more that I learned about myself and even things that relate to the demise of my marriage, SO MUCH MORE, but unfortunately only those closest to me will be forced to listen to those things....  As for now, I'm glad that's done and over with.  I did learn quite a bit and I don't ever plan on being back there.  Tomorrow is a new day for me, a new beginning as I run my first race since my car accident.... Just barely one month later.  No matter the end result, I feel blessed that I am healthy and able to run the Blue Mountain 30k!  The greatest thing is, I can't remember a race I've ever ran where I haven't drank ANY alcohol for a full month before.  I'm the girl who can run a half marathon hungover....  Can you believe I used to be proud of that fact? Wish me luck! K