Bad Day

Today has been a rough one for some reason. I'm really struggling with work lately. I no longer feel like it's what I should be doing, but what does that even mean? I have no money, so I can't really leave my job, plus I feel like I owe it to my parents to stay. But when is enough, enough? When is it time for change? What bothers me the most is that I use to have a passion for our business. I lost it somewhere. Why? How disappointing is it to think that your life is supposed to be one thing, only to wake up, thirty, with no fucking clue to what you want. It's a weird feeling.

I was so sure that taking a three week trip away from "reality" would put my life into perspective for me, but I find myself more confused then before. What do I do? Where do I go? Where is that happiness that I'm looking for? I'm trying to keep my faith. I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason for this struggle, there is a reason that I'm constantly looking for greatness, and I'm sure that I will find it one day, but why can't that day be today, or tomorrow? I'd settle for next week even.

I guess what I don't like, is not knowing. All I want to know is if I'm at least headed in the right direction. I need a sign, I need to get struck by lightening or something. If I'm destined to live the good life, whatever that may be, am I at least going the right way? The last thing I want is to hit a brick wall and have to back track. How terrible would that be? Devastating.

I'll try not to think that way. In the mean time I'm trying to be creative in the avenues I have available to make money. I really wish I had the time to make art and pursue that dream, but I don't have the time to devote to that. I really don't. I guess sometimes I do, like now, but then I don't have the motivation to do it. I don't get myself sometime.

Can anyone else relate? Or am I all alone here??

Writer's Block?

That's what it feels like. I find myself with nothing to say or at least nothing that I think would sound interesting to anyone else. I'm trying to figure out why I feel this way and I think I might be on to something. In the beginning, I was writing to a few friends and some family, hoping for a little understanding of where I'm coming from. Well, now it's changed a little. I have had so many people, including some of you who I never in a million years thought would read this, who are really enjoying what I have to say and want more.

Now what? Maybe I'm afraid that I'll lose your interest eventually? Maybe my big dream of writing a book is getting a little closer and I'm afraid of succeeding? Maybe I'm over thinking all of this? Probably. Either way, I swear to god I'm trying to write more.. :) Honestly, the easiest way to find out if I've posted something is to "follow" me, then it goes straight to your e-mail.

So, let's see. I had an interesting job offer just land in my lap this week. It's sort of funny and ironic, really. I've been reading all these self help books lately. I'll go ahead and give them a shout out, one is "Unlimited" by the one and only Jillian Michaels and the other is "Awaken the Giant Within" by Tony Robbins. So, one of the themes in both of these books is to throw out into the universe EXACTLY what you want and start believing that it will happen. I've been thinking allot about this. What do I want? What will truly make me happy? I'm starting to figure out the things that make me happy, and some of them are totally random. Here's my current list from "The Happy Book" (thanks Andrea!!!!)

My cell mate, my finger nails, taking photos of myself (vain, yes, but this is a new thing I'm trying), photos of things I find beautiful, my lip piercing, the idea of getting a tattoo someday (sorry Dad), my toes, my ipad (best impulse buy this year!), running, swimming, yoga, my dog, my dad's crazy laugh that I inherited, my sister, special olympics, LBC (that's my cat, Little Black Cat, original, I know...), the woods, laughter, a good book, the sound of rain, thunder, the smell of rain, good sex (sorry mom, EARMUFFS), true love, music, sunsets, singing in the shower (or the car), rainbows, fresh flowers, picnics, sleeping in, cuddling, good company, "blingy" jewelry, dresses, bright colors, nachos, pizza, cheese, eggs benedict, hot springs, cheesecake, putting clothes on my dog, fancy hotel rooms, shooting stars, trampolines, cool Ipad apps, sexy lingerie, snail mail, coffee, camping, writing, traveling....... You get the idea, the list goes on and on.

It's amazing how many things make you happy when you just think about it... So back to where I was, what do I want? I figured out what really makes me happy. I love traveling and I'm starting to realize just how much I love to write. So, I guess I've been sort of talking to myself. How do I get that? How do I make a living from traveling and writing. I think I found the start to that path. My friend Mel calls me a few days ago and she works with somebody who is affiliated with the company Avidtrips.com. You've probably never heard of it, but have you heard of Tripadvisor.com? It's the same idea. Basically, you can go to this website and search through hundreds of guided trips all over the world. The trip descriptions are sent in by the tour companies and they need to be edited before going live on the website. Avid Trips is still in it's beginning stages and they have become overwhelmed with trips being sent in that need edited, that's where I come in. I've been asked join in with the editing.

Seriously. Landed in my lap. It doesn't pay much, but it's pretty exciting, I was stoked to even be considered. When I talked to "the man" (he doesn't know I blog, so I don't want to use his name yet :) about the job, he said, "don't think about the pay, think about it as an opportunity."

He's right. A GIGANTIC opportunity. We will see where it takes me...... I'll keep you posted.. Get it?

K

Why Run?

That's a question I get, A LOT. Why do you run? AND since you run, why so far?

So many reasons! Some of you reading this have heard my spiel, so I apologize. I feel the need to talk about it today. Today's run. 19 miles. WHAT?! Who in their right mind would run that far? This girl, that's who. I promise you, I'm not the only person in this world who feels the need to run like me. Also, there are people out there who aspire to run WAY farther than this. Right now, this is my mountain, the upcoming Missoula Marathon.

This will be my third year in training, the first two years were for the half marathon. My goal this year is to finish that 26.2 miles without walking. Or dying. What started as a hobby and a way to lose a little weight, has turned into a way of life for me. If I go more than a day or two without my run fix, I don't feel like myself. Running makes me happy. Let me say that a different way. Running, KEEPS me happy. When I'm having a moment, all I have to do is lace up those trail running shoes, grab my dog, and head out the door. Sometimes there is music involved, other days I choose to go without, listening to my own thoughts. It clears my mind and keeps my sanity in check. Running. It's where it's at, really.

For me at least.

If you don't have an outlet like running, I suggest you find one. It's different for everyone, soccer for my sister, yoga for a good friend, but if you can find that one thing that you can use as a tool, you'll soon learn you cannot live without it. It's amazing.

I told Eric this already, sorry guys, he usually gets to hear most of this first, but running has been a HUGE tool in my success getting through the tough times in the past few months. I give Eric credit too. He's given me the unconditional support that everyone needs when they are at rock bottom, but running is something that I gave myself. My gift. Little did I know that it would pay off in so many ways.

For one, I am now in the best shape of my life. I'm not done with this path to getting in shape. I told my sister today that by next summer I will be that girl running without a shirt on. Just wait. I know I can make it happen. I've got this stomach that is fighting with me, and right now, with the upcoming marathon, I can't really focus on weight loss. I'm more focused on the fact that my body is craving carbs like I've never had them. I ate an entire pizza last night. Homemade and healthy, but still. I don't know if it's the craving or the fact that, 'well, I AM running 19 miles tomorrow...' It's true. I never knew you could crave carbs like this. It's amazing. I'm kind of guessing the sensation I get is sort of what it might be like to be pregnant. I wouldn't really know.... This is just a guess!!

This past winter I had a terrible, TERRIBLE time sleeping. I had allot going one with my emotions, dealing with stuff that I had kept inside for years, getting my divorce. I would lay awake at night with knots in my stomach. Am I doing the right thing? I was so lost and confused and became pretty delusional and completely irrational at times, with this lack of sleep and constant sick stomach. The only thing that would help me with untangling the stomach knots was, yes you guessed it, running! I can't say that it ever helped with my sleep, but, it was something to do. There was more than one occasion, where I was up at 4 in the morning with nothing to do.... I had already sent Eric some CRAZY e-mail... now what? Hey, it's the middle of winter....

LET'S GO RUNNING! What a great idea! It made me feel better, even though everyone else saw it as me acting like an insane person, running through the foot of snow, freezing out, in the moonlight. I had some surreal experiences last winter. Shelby was my only witness.. AND I didn't die from it, so..... Why not? AND it gave me something interesting to post on Facebook, in the wee hours of the morning. LOL!

Somehow, running clears my head and helps me stay strong. Every time I go on a run, my stress and anxiety goes away, I find a new sense of clarity, and I'm always reminded, that everything is going to be okay. Is it weird that running also makes me feel like I'm not alone? I don't know how to explain that one, but it does, or maybe it makes me feel like it's alright to sort of be alone. I'm not really alone, I have friends and family, my dogs, I have Eric, but there are times when I feel like I can't reach out to anyone. That's when running comes in the handiest. Maybe it's that I sing out loud and sometimes talk to myself when I'm on my run that comforts me..... I don't know. :)

Running is my antidepressant, my reason I can eat whatever I want, and part of my happiness. A big part of my happiness.

When I was on a run in California a few weeks ago, I encountered the sign that I'm posting with this blog. It read, "Warning, mountain lions have recently been sighted in this area. Do not walk or ride alone. Keep small children close. If sighted, do not run away. Back up slowly and give them their space." The crazy ironic thing about this, is where I live. There are animals where I run including mountain lions and bears, but there is never a sign posted that SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF YOU. All I could think about was how, not only was I alone, but, I WAS RUNNING. I pictured this ravenous, hungry lion, jumping from the nicely kept park bushes and tackling me because I was running. Needless to say, I went the other direction.........

I don't like the scare tactics they use in other states. NO WONDER I was the only person on that trail. It was in the middle of a neighborhood. Where did this mountain lion come from? Did it swim in from the ocean? I don't know. I think my ramble is done. If you have ever thought about running, DO IT. Start with a walk, or run a mile. Find a friend to do it with you or get a hi-energy dog, like me. I've discovered this year, that 20 miles is Shelby's "wipe out" number. She's notorious for running 10 plus miles with me and then crying for the rest of the afternoon with a ball in her mouth.

"Really, dog? You aren't tired?"

I can't say that all dogs are like this, but my god, this German Shepard is something else......

Happy Father's Day!

K

Back Home

That's right. I'm back.

It's a weird feeling, really. I've been away from here for three weeks and now that I'm back it hardly feels like I left at all. Actually, no, there are some differences. I actually enjoy being here. I look forward to work tomorrow and I feel a sense of hope. Maybe I will make it? The fear of being broke, losing my home, being unhappy, is slowly disappearing. It's not gone completely, but I'm working on that.

So what did I learn on my trip? First, I want to mention, if you didn't notice, that there was a very large gap in my writing. I found it difficult to write when I had people around me, mostly when I was with Teryn. For some reason I completely lost the urge to write about what had happened, even though we did do some fun things. I'm trying to figure that out. Maybe I will get into it later? In a nutshell, we drove to Monterey from Vegas, taking a wrong turn which ended up being a very happy accident because we went to the most amazing natural hot springs. I also learned how to surf and almost knocked myself out with the surf board, causing me to lose my voice. It was painful at the time and a little scary, but now it's just a story. I call it my "surfing accident". Sadly, no cuts or bruises :(.

After Monterey, if you haven't figured it out, I changed my original plans of driving up the coast, and decided that I'd drive back to see Eric on Saturday and hi-tail it home. I had planned on being back by Sunday night. That's when my dad called. Somewhere, somehow, he had heard that I had changed my plans and called to see if I would be willing to pick him up from Vegas. He just gets the itch from time to time. This worked out perfectly. PERFECTLY. I think driving home with my dad was the best possible scenario. We talked about EVERYTHING. I know my parents are concerned. This trip is most definitely out of the ordinary for me and I had been threatening the idea that I may never return. I'm glad that I did.

That being said. I didn't miss home until Teryn mentioned my dog (about a week ago). I still haven't picked her up from the ex-inlaws house. I was just tired from all the driving and wanted to be home. I'll get her tomorrow. All the other animals in my petting zoo are alive and well. There is an excessive amount of animal hair on both my couch and one very specific spot on my bed, which leads me to believe that my cat, Bella, stayed in that spot for the entire three week duration. Other then that, it all looks good.

What I can take from my little "journey". I need to surround myself with happy people. I realized this from being with both Andrea and Memri. They are a reminder that I don't have to be drunk to have fun, and no, I am not an alcoholic, but after years of booze always being involved in "fun situations" you start to forget what it's like when you aren't drinking. It's better, it's more real, and honestly, it's nice to remember what happened the day before when you wake up the next moment.

I will forever consider this little break, road trip, whatever, to be a pretty significant point in my life. I needed it in order to breath again. I was feeling trapped, cornered, and clueless about what my path in life should be....

Maybe I still don't know exactly what I want to do, but I now have a calmer sense of going with the flow. Sounds crazy, what else is new. All I know is I'm going to try my best to wake up each morning and start the day right, whether that be with meditation, yoga, a run, playing with my dogs, drawing, e-mailing Eric, doing something that makes me happy. I also plan on leaving the day behind when I go to bed. That's all you can do. If your day didn't go the way you wanted it to go, the only thing to do (or try to do, it can be hard) is to let it go as you drift off to sleep and know that tomorrow is another day.

Humiliation

I know I'm still several days behind, but I need to talk about what I'm going through right now. This is more for me, it's just easier for my to write it all down when I think somebody is listening....

Weird? Probably. What else is new?

I think I just ran the hardest five miles of my life. I might be exaggerating just a little, let's back up, I ran the hardest five miles of the year. That's a little better. Why? Partially, because it was on a treadmill. I hate treadmills. I think my maximum has probably been about 6 miles on a treadmill. Either way. Today has been a rough day.

I'm not sure how many of you know this, but I changed the route on my road trip and headed back to see Eric one last time before I head home. My dad made this very convenient for me by asking me to pick him up from Las Vegas on my way back to Montana. Visiting Eric was already on my agenda, but my dad made it so I had an excuse to see him both Saturday and Sunday. So, same rules apply as last time. Dress code, security, etc. ect. I felt like I had gotten used to the "ropes", although a man I've met, Randy, who visits an inmate, told me that they are constantly changing the rules, just to spice things up. I made it in with the first group, everything was fine.

For some reason, this is the one place where time flies. All we do is sit and talk, and somehow, before both of us knew it, it was after noon. Eric got called up once for some sort of "warning" for being too touchy feely. I mean, really? All we are "allowed" to do is hold hands, and that can be kind of hard. Don't get me wrong, I'm too much of a prude to do any public groping, but we were getting scolded for my hand being on his leg and stupid stuff like that. I felt like we were really being targeted today, and I'm not sure why. I've been nothing but nice to the guards, I say please and thank you, I'm as polite as I can be. It was weird. Eric gets called up again, but this time we had noticed that there were more guards up there, including some head hauncho of some sort. He was up there for what felt like an eternity. It made me nervous, but at the same time, it's kind of comical watching these shorter guards talk up to Eric. He finally comes and sits down by me only to tell me that we have to leave.

What? Are you serious? I was devastated. What made me the most mad was that we were being kicked out of visitation for my putting my head on his shoulder and touching the back of Eric's neck. We weren't the only ones doing it! My god. Are you kidding me. My instant response was to cry. I was sad. I mean, they are taking away two precious hours. I promise to be good. I swear. It was the worst feeling.

The most humiliating part was walking back through security with the guard and having him lecture me, saying that we did it to ourselves. I think what drives me crazy is thinking back to when I was here a few weekends ago and how I had done NOTHING DIFFERENT. I have a feeling this is something that I am going to have to get use to, the constant rule changes. Randy was right.

So, I'm back at my hotel room, feeling sorry for myself, which is something I do on a pretty regular basis, I usually don't share that with anyone except Eric, I know you don't want to hear it.... I took a nap. I felt a little better after that. I turned on the TV, that show Lockup was on, I watched that for awhile & then convinced myself that I needed to go exercise. This is where the run comes in.....

Now I know that I should have been running more on this trip, but quite frankly, that can be hard when you are vacationing. I knew in my mind that if I could get through an hour on the treadmill that life could go on. Do you ever do that? Look at something so small in your life and say, if I can climb this hill, the mountain beyond that will be a piece of cake. That's how I saw it. I looked at this run to be an immediate challenge in my life and if i could pull through, then I could believe in myself enough to continue on with my path to happiness. And that's exactly what I did. I don't know how other people make it through anxiety, but for me, a little bit of exercised induced sweating goes a long way for my mental stability. Sometimes I need to be reminded of this....

To be continued.....

Playing Catch-Up

My God!

I'm sorry fellow followers, but the past few days have been chaotic, from Vegas, to Monterey and now back in Arizona, I've been busy. Let me see, where should I start?

I guess it's best to start where I left off. Vegas.

So T had rolled in at 6 am, which left me alone and awake at 8 am after my own "exciting night" of going to bed before midnight. Call me lame if you want, but I've experienced my own all nighters in Vegas, one in particular that involved a missing bra, and a cab ride from strangers after walking for what seemed like hours, probably in the wrong direction. Honestly, I'm over it, and I'm now 30. Time to grow up. Actually, the honest truth is that I got two hours of sleep the night before & I just didn't want to keep myself up by drinking red bulls and rockstars until my heart stopped. Teryn can contest to that, that's EXACTLY what she did and she didn't feel normal for several days....

I made my way down to the poolside restaurant and ate breakfast, then went to Walgreens, only to immediately notice that I had forgotten my keyboard at the restaurant. I had to book it back there, where it was safely kept by one of the waiters, then I went all the way BACK to Walgreens only to discover that the whole reason I went there in the first place, to print photos, was no longer available. I guess they weren't making enough money with the photo shop, and they are currently putting in a liquor store. NICE.

I obviously don't belong here.

What to do, what to do? My roommate needed some sleep, so I headed to the pool to wait for Mr. Eric to call me. We had made a poolside phone date. Nerdy? I don't care. You do what you have to when the one you love can't be there with you. I made a friend while I was sitting there, Jessie, from New Jersey. Apparently, I was the first person from Montana she had ever met. I was exotic to her. lol Turns out she was waiting for her boyfriend to call too.. I didn't get the chance to share my WHOLE story with her because Eric called, and then Teryn called. IT'S ALIVE, so I headed back to the room with the enormous bloody mary I had "accidentally" ordered. I guess poolside large and normal everyday real world large are two completely different things, because this drink was ENORMOUS. What they should have said was, "would you like a cup, pint, or half gallon?" That, I would have understood.

MY GOD, you get your moneys worth.

So I headed back to our room with my overly large beverage only to find Teryn still in bed, with a raspy voice. You know it's a good night when you loose your voice. She had fun. She made it home safe, that's all that matters. I had to woo her out of bed, so we started with the bloody mary, nothing better than the "hair of the dog" when your hungover. I know, it's not your healthiest option, but when you are hungover in Vegas and you still are there for one more night, the best thing to do is to push through.

Mom. If you are reading this, stop. I know you don't like hearing about my drinking, and I haven't done much this trip, but this day I took it too a whole new level. I'm sorry. Jump to the next blog :)

That's out of the way, so, at some point, (we are still in our very messy room) we discover that we ended up with one of the bottles of champagne from the day before. Let's crack that open! This is when we have our heart to heart, which was good. I think the most fun I had that day was sitting by our window in our room and talking about life, which is exactly what we did. I'm sure if we had been on camera we would have looked ridiculous, but it was just the two of us, kind of grounding our roots, getting back to the way we were. Teryn and I have had completely different lifestyles the past ten years, but we have remained friends and I know we both care about one another. Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through these "beatings" with her, but I always come out of it learning something. She's irreplaceable on so many levels. She will always tell me how she feels about things, especially if it has to do with what I'm doing in my life. It's painful to hear, but I'll give her this.... 50% of the time she's right and either way, she always keeps me questioning my decisions, which can occasionally be a good thing....

I still haven't figured out what I want to do with my life, but I think that's okay... right?

We finish the bottle and decide it's time to go meet the girls, I think it was 3 pm by now. Slow moving? lol We make it down stairs and head to Starbucks for cups and ice, hit up the little store for more champagne and some orange juice and then very slyly (not really) fill our drinks up in the bathroom. I know, I'm nothing but a classy b*tch when I'm in Vegas, but seriously, it's so much cheaper than buying drinks at the pool. You have to be sneaky. I think I'm pretty smart, really.

We FINALLY make it to the Cosmo, after an interesting ride with a taxi driver that we were fairly certain couldn't speak much English. We were throwing questions at him left and right, "has anyone tried to have sex in your car?" "What's the scariest thing that has happened?" Stuff like that, just kept shrugging and laughing. Yep. No speak the english.

When we got to the Bamboo Pool (a different one from the day before) it was shaded and everyone was moving to the other pool. Okay. At that point. I'm not sure what happened, but we were at the other pool and the rest of the gang decided they were tired, so Teryn and I were alone. This is when I decided that spending money on expensive drinks was a good idea.

I started talking to a girl sitting at the bar, Nikoletta, who, ironically, was there for her thirtieth birthday, which was the day after mine. I instantly thought that we needed to be best friends, and I'm pretty sure I offended her by going off about Jersey Shore when she told me that was where she was from, I don't remember. What I do remember is meeting her friend Willow, who's number I now have in my phone, and bonding with her while she charged her iphone in some hallway by the pool. That's where I decided I needed a nap and started to pass out on a chair, but was rudely awoken by somebody who worked there. I guess you can nap by the pool, but not in the hallway. Shit show. I'm glad there was nobody around to witness this.

I was tired. This is how I get when I drink too much during the day. I made my way back to the pool, which was basically empty, and laid down in one of the chairs. I guess this must have been when I was taking pictures of myself with my phone. I discovered those a few days later. DELETE. lol I might have fallen asleep, I don't know, but I got a jolt of energy and didn't see Teryn (she was talking with the girls we had met), so I decided that I needed to be entertained. I found the closest people I could and headed over.

Meet Ru and Chris. They are from London, and in Vegas for work. They work for a company like Travelocity (I think) and travel around figuring out the best places to travel, where they might need to offer cheaper tickets in order to persuade customers to go to these destinations. Chris explained the whole thing to me, but, in the state I was in.... What I got was that they bought and sold hotel rooms. I know I'm going to fuck this up, so that's all I'm going to say. Ru and I are now Facebook friends and I don't want him to laugh at me if he ever sees this. Sorry!

So, Chris had a meeting, and Ru had no one to hang out with, so the three of us (me, Teryn and Ru) went to my favorite place in Vegas. MARGARITAVILLE. Nachos Nachos Nachos. I should have foreseen that this was a VERY VERY bad idea, but I didn't care. I don't think I ate anything since breakfast and all I could think about were the nachos. And so nachos I ate. Chris eventually showed up, we had a few drinks and decided to call it a night. Thank god these guys were in Vegas for work, because we probably would have looked incredibly lame otherwise. We had to walk back to the Cosmo with them because I had managed to leave my phone in Ru's room. It was on the walk back that I started to feel very VERY sick. Not only did I feel like throwing up, I decided to talk about it, and in turn, made Teryn sick. The nachos were a bad idea. We got back to Ru's room and I immediately had to vomit in his bathroom. Thank god I wasn't trying to impress this guy, although he did invite both myself and my dog to come live in his flat in London. Intriguing. It's nice to always have options.

I received a text from Ru a few days later. He complimented me on my cleanliness, saying that not many people leave a toilet as clean as I did after vomiting. He also told me that he was charged $120.00 for a bunch of stuff I had been "playing" with. The Cosmo is weird, there are all these things teasing you to look at, but there are sensors underneath, so when you pick it up, your room is instantly charged. I couldn't help it if I was intrigued by the binoculars. They give you binoculars in your room? Who is the creep that is going to use these to spy on people? (I might, lol) There was also a sex kit. I was JUST LOOKING AT IT, okay. It was funny because the kit was in a box with a picture of a screw on it. Get it? lol I had to take a closer look, and inspect it, I was curious. That's all!

I want you all to know, I did offer to pay Ru back. He had warned me not to touch anything. I guess when he told the hotel peeps that he didn't actually use any of the stuff, they asked if he had shared his room with anyone. His response was, "no, I just had some girls up for about an hour." I guess the receptionist looked at him like he had had some prostitutes in his room, but eventually refunded his money. I did inform Ru, that Teryn and I were not prostitutes.

His response, "If you were hookers, you were not very good at your job."

The moral of the story...... There is no morals when you go to Vegas ;)

Sin City

Wow.

There are places in this world where you do things that you wouldn't do in normal everyday life. Vegas is one of these places. Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not saying that I did anything crazy. I didn't snort lines of cocaine off of a stripper. I didn't get married by an Asian dressed up like Elvis. The real world ends as soon as you take that Las Vegas Blvd exit. The sky is the limit. You can do what you want, and nobody is there to judge you.... Well, nobody that you know or will ever see again at least.

Let's see. Where did I leave off. It was Friday. I had rolled into town from California and was actually quite excited to be here. I had a little self control that night and didn't end up meeting the rest of the Bachelorette party until 9. When I say I had "self control", what I really mean is, I was distracted by the idea that my prisoner might call me, so I waited around my hotel room for that to happen. I ended up missing his call while I was bonding, over the phone, with Jennifer, my newest "prison wive" friend. We booked another trip to see the boys around the fourth of July. Something to look forward too.

So, nine o'clock rolls around, and I'm ready. Rachel (the bachelorette) had rented a stretch hummer limo. I was picked up in front of my hotel in style. We rode around the limo for about an hour, drinking champagne and getting to know one another. I proceeded to play musical chairs and introduced myself to the nine women that I did not know. Let's see if I can get this. I do have to say that I remembered most of their names right off the bat.... Katie, Bree, Jordy, Jocelyn, Cass, Cassi, Estelle, Prita, and Gina. Bam. I'm good.

We were dropped off at a bar called the Blue Martini. The plan was to hang out there for a drink or two and then go to the airport to pick up Teryn, who was flying in from Monterey. I had asked the limo driver, Steve, if it was okay. For some reason Steve and I got to talking and I asked him a loaded question, "How old do you think I am."

Guys. Seriously. If you get asked that, always , ALWAYS, guess at least five years younger than you really think.... Steve guessed 32, and to his defense, he said he only guessed that young because he overheard me saying that I had been married for ten years. Nice excuse Steve. My response was, "You're an asshole." LOL I didn't mean anything from it, but I think I look younger than that. He couldn't have boosted my self esteem and say 26? I would have been happy with 28..... For the rest of the night Steve called me Asshole. That's fine. I felt like one. lololol

That first night, nothing too crazy happened. We ended up back at the Cosmopolitan, where everyone but Teryn and I were staying, we ate some food and I think Teryn and I headed back to our hotel around 4. That's when it got REALLY INTERESTING.

Maybe it was because we were drinking a little, although I didn't feel like I was even a little drunk.... But there was tension in the air when Teryn and I got into that cab. I'm not even sure where the conversation started but by the time we were to our hotel, which is a five minute drive, I was pissed off and crying. As I got out of the car I slammed the door and a group of Canadian men turned to see the commotion. "That was a slam," one of them said to me, which immediately made me laugh. They tried to stop and talk to me, cheer me up, but Teryn was getting out of the car and I wasn't ready to talk to her.

Let me say a few things about my friend. In her defense (we obviously aren't mad anymore), she is family. We treat each other like we would our sisters and sometimes it can be a little overwhelming. We aren't around each other much. If I'm lucky, I'll see her once a year, so it can be a little "adjusting" when are first in each others company. She always gives me a piece of her mind, and I knew that we were going to have a blow out like this. I'm glad we got it out in the open and over with right away.

Long story short. I'm not giving you detail on the fight, it was between her and I. Saturday morning I was packing and ready to get the eff out of Vegas, but she talked me out of it. I'm glad she did. I was ready to head back to Eric and say, "screw this trip." That wouldn't have been the right thing to do.

Since I was the only one with a car, Teryn and I went to run some errands, aka, buy some alcohol off the strip. It's cheaper. I love these states I have traveled through. In both Arizona and California you can buy bottles of Vodka at Walmart. WHAT? To this Montana girl, it's unreal. So we took a trip to the store and made it to the Cosmo around one. That hotel has an underground labyrinth for a parking garage. Let me tell you. It was pretty cool how they have it set up. There are little lights hanging down from the ceiling over each parking spot, you had to look for the green ones, that meant it was open. It took us forever, but we did eventually find a spot to park and headed inside with our bottles. I think we had four bottles of champagne, a bottle of orange juice, bloody mary mix, lemonade and a gallon of vodka. I hate vodka by the way. Gross.

The smart way to do Vegas is to make your own drink in your room before you go out to the pool. I learned this on my last trip. I refuse to pay $8 for a small, weak drink. Actually, at the Cosmo they were $12. Even better. lol. The Cosmos pool (one of three, I was told) was filled with beautiful people. Girls with heels, fake tans and blonde hair. Holy shit, I do not belong here, but I'll stay and watch the show. Pretty fun people watching. I guess this was the happening spot.... The craziest thing about Vegas is you have to pay for EVERYTHING. Our group rented a "bed by the pool" and I was told that it was $300. Sorry girls, I never pitched in for that. Isn't that nuts? The club we went to later that night had the same thing. You could rent these Cabanas with a hot tub for $1500. You weren't allowed to sit anywhere unless you paid. By Saturday evening I was over the whole Vegas scene and decided to disappear around 11. Trying to get out of Vegas's premier club was a adventure in itself. I followed the exit signs and they led me to a bathroom. I finally asked a security guard how to leave, which apparently most cool people don't leave this amazing bar until like 5 a.m. I'm lame, I guess. He took me through a door that was unmarked and pointed me down a quiet hallway. Is this were they take the girls that get roofy'd? hmmmmm. That though crossed my mind, 'where is this leading me..." I eventually made it to an elevator that had a man waiting with the door open, he rode down with me and told me that this was how the way they brought the escorts in. GREAT. I can only imagine what people thought when I got off that elevator. I think I was escort quality, with the way I was dressed.... maybe I'm too short to be an escort.... lol

Im pretty sure that I was the only one in our group to "catch up on their sleep" that night. Teryn woke me up coming in after 6 a.m. Nice. You have to do that at least once when you are in Vegas, stay out until the sun comes up. I was feeling rested, so I headed down to my favorite spot in this hotel, the outdoor restaurant that is by the pool. I look at T.I.'s pool and think, 'wow, our pool is lame...' That's really fine with me.

There is more to this story, but Teryn is finally awake. I need to pack up my stuff. I've got shit spread out from one end of this room to another.

More later.

K

I'm 30!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, I'm 30 plus a day. :) And I'm okay with that.

Gosh. Wow. I really need to catch up on things.... Let's see, let's see. I'm currently sitting in my room at TI (Treasure Island for those of you who don't know Las Vegas terminology). I feel the need to type fast because I really want to head over to the Cosmo, where my friend Rachel is with part of her crew.

This is going to be a wild weekend. I can just feel it in the air.

30 years ago, yesterday, I was born. EEEEEKKKKKKK. I honestly never thought I'd hit this ripe old age. It use to be the scariest of numbers. Thirty. Yikes! No no no! Make it stop! Make it go away. But I'm coming to terms with it. 30 years young. And what better way to celebrate then with a day at Disneyland? I cannot think of anything better. That's exactly what I (we) did. My high school friend, Memri, was all about D-land when I brought it up several months ago. She's a military wife and mother of three kids, residing in good old Camp Pendleton, California. I actually spent some time with her and her three adorable little clones on Tuesday afternoon. My god. Kids like that make me want a family. They were great. Jonas, the youngest, was the best. Wow that boy had some energy. I was really quite impressed that he knew my name right off the bat and was showing off a little while we ate lunch. We headed to Trader Joes after that, where he got a child's sized shopping cart that had a little flag that said "customer in training" or something like that. He proceeded to push it in circles and run up and down the isles as his mother tried to calm him down, while I laughed. Oh my god! This child is absolutely insane. I love it. I want one.

Don't worry, no crazy ideas here. There is no possible way I will be having any children any time soon, although the thought has crossed my mind to adopt an african baby. We all have those thoughts.... right?

I have to mention Memris other two kids, because they were great as well, Sadi and Kami. Yes, little blonde spawns of their mother. Adorable, I believe one is 8 and one is 9. I forgot to mention Jonas.... He's 4??? 3 or 4. All three of them have the blondest hair you've ever seen. Gosh, now I'm getting their names mixed up. Memri, if you are reading this, please correct me if I'm wrong. Sadie, the older sister, is very fashionable. Wearing a cute California girl dress. She kept grabbing my hand. I think she was in awe of this weird friend of Memris. I was fine with that. She can hold my hand. It was sweet. Kami is the younger one, the tomboy. I'm guessing she's a daddy's girl. Both, such cute cute little girls. She's got a great family, she's blessed. I can't help but be a little envious of them, but I know that I will have a family some day. Now just is not the time.

So we spent the day in Disneyland, just Memri and I. The big girls. It was a blast. Memri has been there enough to know the ins and outs of the whole park, so we went from one good ride to the next, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, I'm forgetting the names of shit....., The Indiana Jones ride, It's a Small World (for the fun of it...lol), Pirates of the Caribbean, there were a bunch. We hit them all, laughing and screaming the whole time.

Oh.... I almost forgot the best part of the trip! Since it was my birthday, I got to wear a sweet "It's my birthday" button with my name on it. We really should have been keeping count. I had people wishing me a happy birthday all day long. It was great. One that sticks out from the rest was from the D-land employee working the Tower of Terror ride. He gives us a little spiel on the ride, and at the end he says my name with a pause. When I looked up he said happy birthday and asked what I wished for. My response, of course, was to not be thirty. No body laughed. It was weird. LOL I laughed. Memri thought it was funny, although she was trembling in fear of the ride..... As the door closed, he saids, "Wish for something else."

Creepy. lol

It was great. So great. Memri and I also proceeded to eat our way through Disneyland. Let's see, let me make a list:

1. Clam Chowder/ bread bowls. Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god. HEAVEN 2. Root Beer Floats 3. Sour Balls. The sourest we had ever had..... That's what she said.... 4. 4 pm "caffein pick me up", I had a double latte, while Memri had a Coke Zero 5. We also had to have a rice crispy treat with white chocolate on top to accompany the beverages.... 6. Cheeseburgers and fries... 7. And Dessert! Churros.

HEAVEN

I referred to us as Heffers, but we figured we walked AT LEAST twenty miles, so what's a little food...... lolololol. You can burn calories screaming too, right? lol

We spent the entire day there. It was good. I have to say I was a little skeptical of staying until 8 pm for the light show in the California Adventure Park, Holy Shit. It was worth it. Beautiful and colorful. Pure happiness for this girl. I don't even get an experience like that when I go to Target. It was THAT GOOD!

I did get entirely too much love from friends and family yesterday too. I feel SOOOOOOOOOOO loved. I couldn't believe my Facebook page. My god. Thank you for that, everyone. My first phone call of the day was from Eric's Mom and my last was from Eric. What a well rounded birthday. I'll take it. My dad even sang to me on a voicemail. Oh, and so did Goofy. Goofy sang me Happy Birthday. Who's jealous????

After fighting the chaos of everyone leaving the park at the same time, Memri pulled a "Kristal" and got on the highway heading in the wrong direction. Thank god I'm not the only one. See? I knew I was normal!!!! She finally dropped me off at my car around 11 pm. We hugged goodbye. I'll be seeing her in about a month when she comes to MT for her birthday. This is your first reminder MEM! YOU TURN 30 SOON! You can't run away!

I've told a few of you already, but the best part of my birthday was spending the day with my friend. We haven't spent more than a few hours together since high school, so this was great. I think she would agree that nothing has changed with our friendship since then, except now we are a little older, wiser, maybe a little more responsible (that's me.... she's mormon, she's ALWAYS been responsible). It was a bitter sweet moment, saying goodbye. I'm hoping we will make more memories in the future, but you never know. Life gets busy. I do think we are planning on running the Rock and Roll Half Marathon in Vegas together this next December. It's a DATE!

When I got "home" aka "Andrea and Brandon's house", I found a gift, a card and a cupcake sitting on the table waiting for me. I'll be honest, I cried a little. She's so thoughtful. Letting me stay at her house was enough. It's the little things, like Memri going to Disneyland with me on my birthday and Andrea buying me a gift, that make me REALLY appreciate my friends. I'm one lucky girl. I talked to another friend today on the phone for an hour and a half and when I was done, I was thinking, how did I get so lucky? Why do I deserve so many wonderful people in my life? I love it. I must have done something right....???

Enough with the seriousness. I'm in VEGAS for gods sake!

See you on the flip side!!

K

San Marcos :)

Hello from Sunny Southern California. What a great time to be here! I can't say I'm missing whatever weather that has been going on up in Montucket. Sorry guys. :)

So, let's see. I was in Yuma yesterday morning. Woke up early and headed down the road. The most exciting thing about the three hour drive was the border stops, since we are so close to Mexico, AND the spanish radio stations. It was awesome. I really need to learn Spanish. I wanted to know what they were saying. Dang. Andrea kept texting me and asking me where I was, like I know??? I passed through a town named Plaster City. That was weird. What a weird name. I don't get these names. Blows my mind a little. Can't we be a little bit more creative?

Arrived at Miss Andreas place sometime after one, where she drilled me for over an hour about prison life. I'm sure there are more of you out there obsessed with the show "Locked Up." I've only seen it once, but apparently Andrea has been watching it for YEARS. Who knew? Not me. Not something she ever told me, until she started reading my blog and realized that we now have SO MUCH IN COMMON and my knowledge of the prison system may be more than anything she will get from a TV show. I know an insider. It's pretty funny. Don't judge my friend for being curious.

Let's see let's see. Kind of a laid back day, which was SOOOOOO nice after three days in prison. Eric wasn't there, that was sad, but it's nice to just hang out with an old friend. Andrea and I met in college. We had some wild and crazy times and have managed to keep in touch. She's been down here in California for five years now, and this is only the second time I've come down to see her & Brandon, her hubby. I will be back. It's beautiful down here. And I guess the ocean is pretty cool too.... She took me to a garden down by the beach. What was it called? It was a monks garden, a place where people go to meditate. We were probably too loud to be there, but it was really pretty, overlooking the ocean, with all these flowers and Koi ponds. Self Discovery Gardens? That sounds right. Are you trying to tell me something Andrea? LOL We basically just spent the afternoon catching up. Laughing. It's always good to laugh.

For dinner, Andrea and Brandon took me down to Old Town, San Diego. I have never been! It was so exciting, and there were so many Mexican restaurants. I couldn't believe it. So tasty. I can't wait to go back! After we ate we walked through some of the shops with, as Andrea called it, "trinkets". One of my favorite things to hord. Trinkets. LOL Something I've been working on. All I bought myself was this little ceramic turtle. I have a habit of buying cute turtles every once in awhile. Cute. Not Tacky! I swear. Hopefully he will make it home without me accidentally breaking it.

That's about it for my first day/night in San Marcos. Low key, laid back. I did make fun of Andrea for saying she was cold. Um...... It's not freaking cold. The restaurant we ate at had heaters outside. Really? Is that completely necessary. Bunch of sissies. Ha!

I actually slept peacefully for once. I was told that it was the bed. Okay. I'll believe that. I woke up with the house to myself and a run on my mind, which is exactly what I did. The best part about where Andrea lives, is the convenience of running. It's at sea level, so nice. I love it here. She had pointed out a trail system, so I walked out her front door and headed in that direction. It was only about a mile and a half away, so it fit perfectly in my ten mile run plan for the day. This is where I ran into a sign that said (and I sent this in a text to a few of you...)

"Warning, Mountain Lions have recently been sighted in this area. Do not walk or ride alone. Keep small children close to you. If sighted, do not run away, back up slowly and give them their space."

Nice. Ha! Great. Just perfect. I laughed at it for a minute. Took a picture, sent it to some friends. Laughed some more and as I began to run again I started to get paranoid and nervous. Great. I turned around and crossed the street to the other side of the trail. There was no sign there, so I just assumed the mountain lion knew it was supposed to stay on that side of the street. I felt safer there. lol. Stupid. I guess what really got to me was that they even had a sign posted. I'm thinking, "Yeah, there are mountain lions where I run in MT, but we know that," Thanks California, for posting a sign and making me doubt my toughness. The wildlife where I come from are afraid of me, okay???

Ha.

I just got a text from Andrea. She's going to be gone for another hour or so.... hmmmmm. Whatever shall I do with myself. I'll write more later. I think I'm going shopping :)

K

Rested....

AAHHHHHHHHHHH.

Finally, a peaceful nights sleep, WITHOUT any help from my friend, the sleeping pill. I can't remember the last time I've slept like that. Andrea said that I would. She was right....

So I know I'm driving everybody absolutely crazy. What happened during the last day of visit, right? Let's see. It was so long ago that I'm afraid that I will miss details.....

Refresher. Let's not forget what happened the night before. My new friends took me shopping and basically told me that what I had been wearing was "unacceptable" attire for a decent prison visit. Okay. They were making me nervous. Monday, Memorial day, I was wide awake at 3:30 a.m. Really? I remember laying there trying to go back to sleep. The thought actually crossed my mind that I should maybe try to go running, but I would have had to be done by 5, since I needed to be to their hotel room no later than 5:45 to have my hair curled. Oh God Oh God Oh God. I talked myself out of the run, but was out of bed by 4. I hopped in the shower, got myself ready, finished packing my car, and by a little past 5, I was good to go.

Since it was after 5, I knew the only decent coffee place in that little dinky town of Safford would be open. I headed down to Starbucks. I knew I would need some 'pick me up' since I had woken up so early. Got coffee for the three of us, checked out of my room and knocked on the ladies door probably around 5:40. I was a little early, that should be expected with me. I can be a little impatient, and I hate to be late. Once again, it was nice to be around some other girls. Wait, no, we are women. It was nice to be up early in the morning, getting ready to go see our guys, and being a little giggly. Sophia & Jennifer are women that I would never had met had it not been for our prisoners and I am grateful that I can now consider them friends. Terrific women, who can relate to what I am going through, give me advice, like the good places to get more quarters if the machine at the prison runs out. LOL Little details like that.

We finished getting ready, my hair becomes curly. They didn't even ask to mess with my face, which I guess I shouldn't have expected anyways, neither of them wear much makeup, which is nice, they go with their natural beauty, although Sophie has those fake eyelashes that intrigue the hell out of me. I want them. I think I'd probably look ridiculous. Yep. Just thinking about that makes me laugh. By now it's almost 7, so I hit the road so that we can save ourselves a good spot in the line. I may not have ever explained this. You have to line up outside. You want to be close to the front so you can get in with the first group. I don't even understand the people who get there late. You would think that if you traveled so far you would want to see whoever you were visiting for as long as you could. Right?? That's what I thought...

So, I get into line. That last day, there were a bunch of people in line early, so we were a little ways back. Our biggest concern was that the three of us wouldn't get in together. S & J insisted that they needed to see the look on Eric's face. I think they were more excited than me. I was nervous. I felt a little shy & ridiculous in my attire. Have I explained what I was wearing even? Let's start with the bottom up. Heels. My very own hooker heels for dwarves. 3" inch? Maybe 4", with a little platform. The are black, closed toe (no opened toe allowed in prison) & intimidating looking for me. Amazingly. I had no trouble walking them, or running. I am now on a mission for some taller ones, that are colorful.... "Jeggings" AKA tight ass fitting jeans. I had to squeeze myself into them. I'm pretty sure they were a size too small, my legs looked pretty good in them though. I don't mind admitting to that. I felt like I was "muffin topping" a little, which isn't something I am fond of, AT ALL, it doesn't feel good. The girls assured me that I looked fine... My top was this silky, black top with short sleeves, it had some color on it, I'm going to try to just upload a picture that Jennifer took so you can laugh at me (it's already posted on Facebook). I was also wearing my new fake engagement ring, a 'bling' ring that Sophia picked out for me, which I ended up with, it's awesome, some bangley necklace, earrings, and a bracelet. I was accessorized to the max. I felt a little overwhelmed, overdressed, "hoochied out".

By day three, you start getting familiar with some of the other visitors, so of course people are saying things about my outfit. I'm embarrassed. AAAAHHHHH. Poor Montana girl, doesn't know how to dress herself. I told Sophia and Jennifer it wasn't the fact that they wanted to dress me that upset me, it was the fact that this wasn't the first time somebody wanted to give me a makeover. It wasn't the second or third even. I've been 'redressed' by my friends my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. Do I need to be on an episode of "What Not To Wear"? Probably. Eric has told me he likes my style. So there. I'm sure nobody would have been impressed with my red converse high tops I had wanted to sport...... LOLMaybe I'm joking about owning shoes like that.....

Standing in line. So the scary guard pulls up (shoot, what's her name?), who's no longer intimidating, she is actually pretty nice. She gets out of her car and Jennifer goes over to chat with her. She asks if there is any way we could all get in together, and "explains" the situation. I feel like you've got to have balls to talk to a guard like that. I'm still a newby, I don't look her in the eye, I'm kind of scared that I will burst into flames if I do. She is compliant with the idea. Now, not only am I nervous about seeing Eric in my new outfit, I will have my friends staring at us, along with their husbands, who are in on the big secret. GREAT. Look at us. Look at us. The young lovers. Shit.

I'm nervous as hell as we walk in the building, fill out the form and wait. I messed up again on signing in. This time, I remembered Erics number but put my own name down where I should have put his. Duh. SOMEDAY I will get this right. Then, as I go through security, I beep. The security guard tells me to put my hands up, and I stick them straight up in the air like I'm being busted for something. I get laughed at. Of course. I know this, hands out, not up. I'm a dork. Oh well. It makes me laugh at myself, and I'm fine with making the security guard think I'm a complete idiot. That's great. There's no way he'd think that I had my lipgloss hidden in my bra.... I'd be too stupid to figure out to do that..... (More tricks of the trade from "my ladies" - when I say that, I mean S & J, not my boobs :).

When we get into the visitation room, Joe and Corey were in there before Eric. It's like the security guard wanted all of them in there so they could stare us down. I felt like I was going to vomit. How was it, on day 3, I was more nervous than day 1? It was the outfit. When Eric finally came out I couldn't tell if he was surprised or not. He said he was. Do I really look that different? I guess the guard walked passed the girls and said that I looked like a completely different person. I felt like Jennifer Lopez. Or a clone of my own Jennifer, who now reminds me of Jennifer Lopez. LOL Eric put that one in my brain. I can't hear a J-Lo song without thinking about her now :) I'm telling you, I have a thing with music.

Let's see, let's see. He loves my ridiculous outfit. It does make me a less awkward height next to him, which was kind of nice, not to feel so short. The rest of the day went about the same as the first few. He had me laughing my ass off pretty much the whole entire time. I love to laugh. That's exactly what I need. Somebody who can make me laugh. I did cry a little bit. I am sad that I wont see him for awhile, but I have a feeling it will never be as long as it was the first time. He's got me hooked. I'm addicted. For now, he gives me everything I need. Maybe not everything I want, but I'm working on myself still and I probably would forget about my focus if he were physically here all of the time. Still working on that path of "self discovery". He suggested I buy a body pillow to snuggle with. LOL.

I now have some ideas on how I'm going to make some more money, what I want to do. I have a few years to figure things out & if Eric and I are still together when he gets out, which I suspect we will be, we will go from there. He kept asking me if I would go to Utah with him, where his job is lined up, or stay in Missoula. I want to say I will be there, but I honestly do not know. What I do know, is, if we manage to make things work while he's in prison, what is going to be the problem with us being in two different states for awhile? At least he will be free, not behind a fence, he wont have to be searched every time he sees me. The thought of that makes me sad. I feel like we are all stripped of our dignity a little when we visit, like we aren't on an equal playing field as the guards. You have to respect them or you wont get your way, they will make your life hard. How is that fair? Why am I being punished? I don't have anything on my record, besides being completely naive about the whole situation. It's not my fault that my heart belongs to a felon. That was fate. I can't control my fate.

That's it in a nutshell. My visit with Eric. My mom was sure that I would be a wreck when I left him. I thought I would be too, but as Eric put it, "it wont be goodbye, it will be, see you soon." I know I will be back. I'm about to book flights right now for the fourth of July weekend. Three day weekends are the best. And now I have some friends to split some of the costs. We exchanged numbers in the parking lot and made plans for the next trip. I sat in my car for a moment, after they left, writing Eric an e-mail, telling him how I felt at that very moment, since I had been wondering how I would be feeling. I had this new found energy, excited about life, about the rest of my trip, about finally being able to look him in his hazel colored eyes (he's got this ring of blue around the outside of them, it's mesmerizing). Have you ever been excited to hear somebody else's heart beat? It was unreal. I cannot wait for our next visit. Yes I Can :).

Am I allowed to tell them about the wishbone? Probably not, but I don't care. It makes me smile. Eric has this scar on one of his hands. I want to say it's on the palm of his left hand. It looks like part of a wishbone. He said that he got the bigger half of the wish bone and he wished for me. Something like that. Come on. How can you not love that?!!??!?!? Something so sweet coming out of this 6'5", tough guys mouth. My god. He makes me melt. I've never had somebody look at me in the way that he does. I'm sure that some of you are saying, "yeah, it's because he's in prison and hasn't seen a woman, in real life, in years." Think what you want. I don't care.

As I drove down the Arizona highway, I had this new sense of self worth. I deserve to be happy. I know I will still be struggling with the judgements of others, but I now know that what I have is very real. I will wait for him. We will prove everybody wrong. I started laughing at the thought of what I looked like and grabbed my camera. I've been big into taking self portraits while I drive. I know it's not safe, but sometimes I just get the urge to take a photo for him. I take a picture of myself flipping off the camera. Picture this. Huge curls in may hair, huge buggy eyed sunglasses, jail nails, and a massive goody ring. Who is this girl? LOL

The Chameleon.....