Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Fumes

Let's start at the end of the day and work our way backwards. This might be interesting. SO. I'm currently sitting in my hotel room, in Yuma. The past hour has given me an ulcer, but I think that I might live.

This is what happened. I'm driving down I-10, it's dark, & I notice that my gas was going down, getting close to empty. It doesn't look like I'll make it to Yuma, so I need to gas up. As I'm contemplating getting off at the next exit, where I can clearly see a gas station, my phone rings, it's Eric, and I'd much rather pass the time driving and talking to him, than fueling up. Not a good decision on my behalf. I wont be doing that again. As we are talking my 'Low Fuel' light comes on,

"Oh shit."

I'm never sure what that means.... Is this a warning? Or are you being serious? I've always figured it was just a warning, right? You have a while, no biggie, besides there are gas stations like every 5 miles..... WRONG. LOL I don't really worry about it until I'm off the phone, I'm sure I have Eric thinking that I'm probably stranded, in the dark, on the interstate, and some hillbilly trucker is going to come and kidnap me. That's my guess at least...... I finally get smart and get out my handy GPS to see exactly how far the next gas station is. 9 miles. I can make it. My car is telling me that I have 20 miles left, what I didn't realize at the moment was that I was climbing over some sort of Mtn pass type thing and the miles were dropping off faster than I was driving. All of a sudden I was down to 11 miles until empty. WHAT? EEEEEEEKKKKKK. Deep breath, deep breath. This isn't the end of the world. Everything will be okay. I came down the other side in neutral. That conserves gas, right? Or am I just making that up?

I pull of on the exit, take a right at the light, pull into the 'gas station', according to the gps. It's an effing water station. WHAT? Okay, next closest gas station, just a mile down the road. By now my car says I have 3 miles until empty. Shit Shit Shit. I get to the second gas station, YES. VICTORY. Pull up, get it all ready, put my card in.... it doesn't work. Okay, so I have to go inside. I've got this. The door to this mini mart is locked and there are people inside.

Let's just say, these weren't the friendliest of folks. They came to the door and told me that sorry, the pumps had been turned off for the night and there was nothing they could do. When I asked for a phone number for a local tow company to bring me gas they informed me that would be expensive. Really? I had no idea. ( that's me being sarcastic). I'm in tears by this point and asked if I could at least use their restroom, I had to pee and their response was to make it quick. Real A holios. Not a good experience. Somehow, my car made it five more miles down to the next gas station, where I realized that I must have left the gas cap off at the last place a fueled up, because it was gone. Just my luck. Really.

I decided after that, it was time to stop for the night. Screw any idea of getting to the place in Yuma that my father suggested. I was telling the girl at the Comfort Inn about what I had gone through and she asked where I was headed to. I responded by saying I was heading to california but trying to get to Yuma, but gave up.

Her response.....

"You are in Yuma."

Of course I am. This wasn't the first time during this trip that I had absolutely no idea where I was.....

I'll write about my last day of visitation soon. I need some time to really talk about it..... Maybe tonight or tomorrow...

I'm currently in sunny San Marcos, California :)

K

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Visitation Day 2

I could get used to this. Visiting my boyfriend in prison. Sounds sooooooo bad when you're the one on the outside observing the situation, but when it's all I need to do to make me happy, why not? I'm pretty sure it makes him happy as well.

Today was EVEN BETTER! Yay Yay Yay. I got to know a few of Eric's friends and their wives. More on that in a minute. The day started out the same, except with one minor brain fart, I forgot Eric's inmate number. How? I have no idea, it just left my mind. The weirdest feeling, not knowing a number I write down usually multiple times a day, 0 8 8 4 8 0 4 6. Somehow I manage to slip an extra 4 in there. I don't know. LOL.

I was all hyped up on Starbucks coffee, so feeling like my usual bouncy self as we got ourselves through security. I had chosen to wear a dress with "questionable" sleeves, and had remembered to bring a sweater, which they said I had to wear for the entire visit :(. At least I came prepared. Yesterday, I witness two people get turned away. One for having too low cut of a blouse and one for wearing khaki pants, which is the what the inmates wear. I've noticed a number of women wearing these crazy high heels and I've become obsessed. They would most definitely make me look a little taller next to Eric. I don't mind the munchkin look, but I am SOOOOO short. It's ridiculous. I told the photographer today that tomorrow, I will be standing on a chair. He thinks I'm joking.

Let's see, let's see. What happened different today. I definitely felt more comfortable, I knew what to expect. I found myself just as anxious to see Eric as I had been yesterday, but I think that's expected. You're brought into the visitation room in small groups of about ten and I happened to be with Sophia and Jennifer, who are the wives of Bones ("human" name, Corey) and Jojo (I think that's his real name....lol LOVE IT!). We were all seated really close to one another, which made it easier to interact with them. You're really not supposed to get up and "mingle". It's stupid, but we were right in front of Jojo and his wife, so we could easily turn around and talk.....

I'm going to bypass most of the visit. It was pretty much the same as yesterday. Eric does an amazing job of making me laugh. He's hilarious and sweet. He showed me some card tricks. I figured out the one he thought would blow my mind. HA! Pretty clever though. I'm actually surprised that I figured it out really, I'm usually not smart enough to catch on. He had me going on the other ones though. I had NO idea. LOL. The vending machines weren't to bad today. This time, there were issues with the microwave. NICE.

By the end of the visit, I had managed to invite myself to dinner with Jennifer and Sophia. As we were leaving the prison I was talking about the heels and how I needed to get some, and the next thing I know, they are showing me the way to Saffords one decent clothing store, Stage (Stages? I can't remember). By the time we left the place not only did I have my very own pair of stripper heels, but I had a whole new outfit, a purse, some sunglasses, jewelry, and a fake engagement ring (that is a joke, Eric and I like to kid around. LOL) The joke was that they took me out and I found somebody else and got married. LOL I'm sick. I know. It's funny. I figured I could wear it in Vegas to keep the creepers away. I do have to say that these women have a knack for dressing a stranger. It took all but 5 minutes to find heels, some skinny jeans and a shirt that managed to fit perfect.... How'd they do that? My new personal shoppers? Maybe. They are also helping me branch out in the accessory department. Ha! I feel like a barbie doll that they are dressing. The midget version. lol. This is good. Can you tell that I'm having a good time? It's been almost a week since I've interacted with some women and it felt good to goof around with them. It was also nice to be able to have somebody who really understands what I'm going through, because so are they. Amazing women. I'm sure we will meet again.

They took me to a tasty, yet very badly ran, Mexican restaurant/bar. We had to keep finding the waiter/waitresses to take our order, get more chips, and get our bill. They kept disappearing. It was weird. The great thing about this place was the group of biker dudes that were hanging out in the back. They gave us money for the jukebox AND bought all of our drinks. I could get used to this place. I really think the guy who kept talking to us was into Sophia. She's this beautiful, 6 foot something, African American woman. Rather intimidating. She choses to wear heels that make her even taller! What I love about her (and Jennifer) is that they both like to get all "blinged" out with their jewelry. My type of girls. After dinner, we went and bought even more accessories and also decided that I was their "project". I'm getting my hair "did" by them in the morning. OH MY GOD. LOL I feel like I'm on the show "The Swan" and they are taking this ugly duckling and pimping her out. SHOOT. What have I gotten myself into? They assured me that Eric will be so excited. I think they are more excited than I am about this, they can't wait to see the look on his face. I'm telling you, these two women are great!!!! I just hope I don't look like some sort of two-dollar hooker. I'm not letting them touch my face.

That's about it for the excitement today. Sorry this one was so late, but I was actually not hanging out alone for once, which was kind of nice. I'm looking forward to tomorrow, but I'm also sad because I don't know when I will see Eric again. How am I going to be able to afford to keep this up? I know that if I'm able to see him more often I can keep afloat. I need him in my life. He makes everything better. Anyone know a good federal lawyer who would work for free? I'm being pretty serious at this point.

I'm trying to look at it differently. At least his sentence doesn't have THAT much left. I think both Bones and Joe have about 7 years left and they've both been in for over ten! Isn't that crazy? Jennifer has been with Joe the whole time. I've been asking for advice from them, to help cope with this and I think it gets easier.... I'll get more into what I've been told tomorrow. Time for bed.

I have a long day tomorrow. I want to make it to Andrea's place by early afternoon on Tuesday, so tomorrow I will head to Yuma when I leave the prison at 3. That's about a 5 hour drive. Next stop. Disneyland. BooYA!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Visitation....

Sounds like serious business, doesn't it? Well it is! There are strict rules that you have to follow and I was a little intimidated by one very specific female guard. So, Eric suggested that I get there early. The doors opened up at 8, so I got there around 7:10 to make sure I was one of the first people in line, and I was :). It wasn't as big of a process as I had thought it would be. You sign in, fill out some paperwork, wait for them to call your name, get your photo taken, go through a metal detector, sign in again, and wait. There was more waiting than anything else. I was also only allowed to bring in money and my keys, nothing else. No gum!? No chapstick! Those were the two essential items I wish I could have brought, but I survived. *sigh*.

The scary guard escorted us outside, down a sidewalk and into another building. Apparently this is where Eric caught his first glimpse of me, I was completely unaware of being watched by the prisoners through the fence. Actually, no I wasn't, I just pretended not to notice. When we got into the visitation building we were told where to sit. I found my seat and then went to the vending machine to scope out some lunch options for Eric and I. I was told that the food runs out so to grab stuff early, what I should have been told, was that the food runs out because one of the vending machine breaks early on into the day. Maybe I broke it? I did use it to get most of our food. Is there a way to break a vending machine? I don't know. Either way, it wasn't working when we went up for a second time, therefore causing the other machine to run short on "the good stuff", which is currently wreaking havoc on my insides. LOL God. I'd eat anything for that man. What has gotten into me? I'll go back to organic on Tuesday. :)

So, food purchased, bathroom break, now what? I had managed to make a friend while standing in line, no idea what her name was, but I looked at her as there was some sort of sound.... was it a buzzer, a bell? I don't even know, but I looked at her asking, "what's that for?" and she points behind me to a door. Here they come. The felons. LOL Seriously, there is no other way for me to look at this but a strange comedy. I'm standing inside a visitation room waiting to see my boyfriend for the first time in years and years and years. I've gone completely insane. Insane for some eye contact, insane for just a little bit of touching, a hug, hand holding, a kiss? That's all I wanted. To be near him. To feel him in my presence. That's all I need to be able to move forward another day.

That's exactly what I got. I'm not sure the sequence of events that led up to our embrace, but I think as soon as we made eye contact from across the room both of our footsteps sped up until we reached each other. We stopped for a moment, looked at one another, and that was it. I'm sold. I'm his until he tells me to go away. I find myself obsessing over these strange ideas, like camping in the prison parking lot just so I might catch a glimpse of him.... I wouldn't actually do that, but the thought crossed my mind. Standing on the "free" side of the fence and screaming his name, "I love you, Eric Joshua Jacobson"..... That, I might do.... lol

Those of you who don't know Eric. He's tall. 6'5". OVER a foot taller than me. He makes me feel like a dwarf, a midget, very small and petite. I like it. I can't help but say it's a little awkward for the poor guy, since I'm such a shorty, but we made it work. The first thing he did was lift me off my feet. I can get used to this. He's strong. LOL. It was everything I had hoped for, pretty much exactly how I had imagined it for the past few months. I'll spare you the details. Sorry Mom and Dad, I know you are reading this. LOL

After the initial "greeting" you are not allowed to do much more than hold hands. I could see how things could get out of hand if you allowed groping and making out during the whole 6 1/2 hours of visitation. There are kids in visitation, so let's keep this PG people. Holding Erics hand was plenty for me. That's all I needed. To be able to touch him and be touched by him, nothing "inappropriate". I think we both inspected each others hands pretty thoroughly asking what this scar is from, how'd you get that scratch, he also got to see that wonderful, massive scar on my arm that I have from the mole that was removed in November. It looks like a stab wound. LOL I had to sneakily inspect his bald head. He's not fond of the fact that he's bald, but I'm rather proud of him for accepting that it is what it is and to not be "holding on to any hope" like so many men do. He looks great, he'a my hottie, no hair and all :) We can't both have good hair. Sorry Eric, I get the fabulous hair. Deal with it.

Back to the scary guard. We instantly got into trouble for being a little too affectionate.... Eric was later scolded for me having my feet on the furniture AKA a plastic coffee table. Whoops. My bad. For some reason the guards couldn't tell me what I had done wrong, but told Eric to pass the message on to me.......LOL I am very rude when it comes to my feet. I like to have them lifted off the ground, tables, chairs, whatever comfortable spot I find.... Something I need to work on I guess....

So, how was the visit? Did we get along as well in person as we did over the phone & via e-mail. Yes. I think we were both overwhelmed by the whole experience and we sat in silence quite a bit, which is fine. I sort of expected that. I find myself with a loss of words occasionally when we talk on the phone. He makes me shy and nervous, but in a good way & I found myself completely comfortable with looking him in the eyes in silence. It's okay to be quiet in moments like this. I feel like our bodies are trying to catch up with all of the talking we've done the past few months, and boy have we done some getting to know one another this way, so we might sit in silence, allot, in the future. That's fine. It's peaceful. My mind shuts off. I don't feel the need to question things. It's just right.

There's not much more I really want to share to be completely honest. Today was a moment that I will cherish. I've gone through so much in the past four months & I feel like today was the beginning of something new. Something real. I'm excited for tomorrow.

K

Friday, May 27, 2011

Fate

I don't know where to start. I do know that there are more people out there curious about this prisoner of mine, what exactly my intentions are & how this all came about, than I thought. Let me see if I can explain this in a way that will help you understand. I apologize to those of you who have heard it already. The fact that I'm getting very positive reactions to this makes me so happy. Maybe it's because that's what I asked for, but I really am surprised by all of the support, especially those of you who have said that you are proud of me. You don't know what that means to me. It means I'm following the right path, with my heart, and I'm doing the right thing.

First and foremost. I feel the need to explain myself a little. Eric has absolutely NOTHING to do with my divorce. It might seem that way, considering the timing, but honestly, that's all it was, good timing. A coincidence. I also don't consider my marriage with Cody a waste of my time. There were good moments, but never great moments. I can't recall anything that stood out as being spectacular or extra special about our marriage, but I don't discredit my time with him at all. I still love him, but not in a way that a wife should love their husband. I don't know if he will ever understand and I feel that he resents me a little. I learned so much while we were married and I take that to heart. Also, for those of you who think that I might be rushing into things with Eric, and I know you're out there, that's okay. Just remember, when you think that I need time to be alone...... I've been alone, for years. I can't count the times I was the third wheel, the fifth wheel, the spare fucking tire when I was with my friends. Cody never wanted to be part of my social life and that's fine, that's why we aren't together anymore, I had had enough. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to go to weddings by myself or be left somewhere because he isn't having fun and wants to go home. I got tired of that, and for now, I'm more then happy to do these things alone, because, Eric can't be there. People wont be asking me where Eric is, because they will know exactly where he is. Someday, he will be with me, we will do these things together, and we will enjoy every moment with one another. I know it in my heart.

So about that. How am I so sure? I can't explain it, but I'm going to try. Have you ever felt the presence of somebody? That tug at your heart? Well that's what I'm feeling. That's what we are both feeling. There is something going on here, something that I've never experienced and I'm now believing this is something that only happens once. I'm just glad I recognized it. Actually, it might have been Eric who recognized it first. For me, he was a way to vent, like I'm doing now. He willingly listened and gave me advice. He was my voice of reason on so many things. We are both in a rough patch in our lives, it just so happened that our paths crossed at just the right moment. Had I seen his name on Facebook a year ago, I probably wouldn't have taken much notice. There were so many things that led us to one another. That need to have somebody hear our voice & to actually be heard. To be accepted for the people that we've both become, the good and the bad. That is what we are to one another. Today in an e-mail, Eric said he could feel me getting closer. I'm serious when I say that I could feel him too. It's weird, and it's great. I only hope that everyone has this experience in life, because I'm starting to recognize just what life is all about and all the amazing possibilities, if you just let it happen.

Now, the strange thing, for me, is how I can fall in love with somebody without seeing them. This is a new experience. I'm sure there are those of you out there who are going to be disgusted by this, but I've sent Eric photos of me. Lot's of photos. I have to say, it can be rewarding to the self image. Something I started to do was, when I had a picture I absolutely hated and wanted to rip up, I sent it with the rest. I'd say 99% of the time it turned out to be his favorite. Funny? I think it is. It's funny how you can look in the mirror and see one thing, while somebody looking at you sees something completely different. I sit at my vanity, when I write Eric, most of the time, and I'm facing a mirror. I can't tell you how often it was, I'd sit down, feeling frumpy, "fugly", whatever & I'd read something from him, and the next time I glanced up at myself, my image had totally changed. There's this beautiful person that has been waiting to get acknowledged. She's not always in hiding now, but she still comes and goes.

Side note. I feel like I'm overusing the comma..... lol Art School sure didn't cover grammar......

Anyways, back to falling in love with what I've been calling Eric, "the invisible man." I have photos of him, but apparently the most recent on is outdated and Eric would prefer if I threw it out. Sorry Eric, but until you send me a more current photo (which I just found out he's been HOLDING OUT ON ME!!!!). There are so many things I love about this man. I love his soul. I love his spirit. I love his laugh and how his voice gets a little higher pitched when he gets excited (he's going to hate that I said that). I love how he's constantly trying to prove to me that he's educated (I know you're smart), and I love how he has a plan for when he gets out of jail. I love that he responds to my e-mails when he thinks they need responding too, and let's other ones go because I was simply venting. I don't know how many times I've brought up stuff that involved my marriage, where he could have sided with me and trash talked Cody, but he didn't. I appreciate that. I don't think I was looking for that type of support anyways, I just needed to let it out. I love that he has a really good sense of humor. We joke about prison. I have "jail nails" for this visit. lol I love that he accepts me for who I am. I LOVE that he's never once asked me not to cry. That's a biggie. I've cried to him so many times when I've written him, and I'm always honest about it. I've cried to him on the phone & the one thing he's ever said about it is that he wishes he could be there to wipe away my tears. I'm telling you. There is so much to love about this guy! The list goes on and on, but I don't want to bore you. Honestly, I'm kind of tired. This girl needs her beauty sleep.

That made me emotional, thinking about all the crying I've been doing. I'm not going to lie, part of me is so scared of tomorrow, so scared of being disappointed, so scared that when Eric sees me, he's not going to like me in person. It's that voice, that "nothing", and I'm ready to prove that voice wrong. Screw you, stupid voice. Go away.

That's about it. Visitation is at 8 am tomorrow. I'm going to try my best to be the first one in line. I'm also going to try to not throw up from being so nervous. The nervousness comes and goes. I honestly think I was more nervous when we had our first phone conversation and when I met Kyle (Eric's brother). Send me good thoughts people! I need it for tomorrow.

Sealing my fate? Maybe :)

Random thoughts on my drive

I've had some serious time to think. I drove over 700 miles yesterday and I still have a little over 3 hours before I get to Safford, where I will be spending the weekend visiting Eric. I took some notes as I drove about what thoughts cross my mind, some of them are so totally random, I can't help but laugh....

Car Envy. Do you ever get that? I get passed by these fancy Mustangs or big beefy trucks and I wish I were driving that vehicle. I'm not sure why I'm bothered by this, can't I be happy that my car is paid of? Isn't it just to get you from point "A" to point "B". The vain side of me wants people to look at my car and be jealous. Who's jealous of a marroon 2007 Ford Taurus, or as I call it, my "mom" mobile. I'm certainly not jealous. Maybe it's because I've never been able to pick out my own car. You heard me, it's never been my choice, always either my dad's or Codys, but not mine. I guess I liked the Ford Focus ZX2 I drove for awhile, until I totaled it when some high school girl ran a red light, but it still wasn't that cool, just sporty looking. In the summer, my Taurus does sport a bike rack, which to me gives it a little bit of a face lift, not looking so old ladyish....

Being part of a biker gang. I found myself behind a group of bikers this afternoon and I've decided that I want to be a biker chick, for at least a day. The thought of traveling across the country sounds both intriguing and dangerous. I've always been afraid of motorcycles, I even failed the motorcycle endorsement class (my sister can vouch for me, she was there...). I'm not sure where this desire comes from, but I already have the outfit. I snagged it up years ago when it came in the pawn shop. Brand new leather chaps, with fringe and red velvet roses running down the leg, and a matching jacket. I know I still have it somewhere.... I think I might make a sexy biker chick.... I wouldn't be the driver of the bike, I'd ride on the back, with my eyes closed the entire time.... I need to get some tattoos...

Random. I know, right? The stuff that goes on in my head when I have no one to talk to.... What else...

Things that remind me of people. This song came on the radio, and I can't remember the title or the artist, but there is an accordion in the song and it ALWAYS reminds me of my sister. She hates this story, but the one time we went snowboarding this year, she got her truck stuck in the parking lot up at Snowbowl. I was asking strangers for help, so I was outside the truck while she tried to maneuver and this song came on. I was all excited about the song because it was new at the time and I began dancing to it. Needless to say, my sister, who was already annoyed by her truck, was not impressed with me becoming sidetracked by the song. The greatest part of this story is that we created enough traction in the snow with a bag of chips, and that's how we got unstuck. YES. lol There are probably a dozen songs (or more) that remind me of Eric. Music has been a huge part of my healing process and so when I've found a song that I relate to, I always send the lyrics to him. I don't know why, but I do. He's never told me not to. It's funny because he asked me to send him some lyrics to a specific song by The Script and when I found them I discovered that they were the artist who sang another song that I loved but hadn't caught the name of the singer.... coincidence? There is an Uncle Cracker song that will forever remind me of my friend Andrea, it was the first dance at her wedding. Every time it's on the radio I think of her and Brandon. It's a sweet reminder of a really great day & getting to be part of such a special moment in two peoples lives... My longest going reminder that I can think of is when I look at the clock and it says 11:11. Reminds me of Aven, who I don't even keep in contact with anymore. It's crazy, I think it started in high school and we always were together at 11:11, so it stuck. Strange? I find it a little weird that all these years later I still think of her when I see that time. I wonder if she thinks about me?

Right now I'm eating lunch in a little town called Pine, in Arizona. I passed through a town called Strawberry. Really? Did anyone know that there was a Strawberry, Arizona? It excited me a little.

More when I get to Safford. :)

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Peekaboo Trailhead

That's where I'm currently sitting. Somewhere on Highway 89 (I think). I'm relatively close to the Grand Canyon. I've gotten a little stir crazy with all the sitting and I had to stop and get in at least a short run. It was kind of fun. I think this is an ATV trail system and it's all sand, so definitely a workout.

Let's see. What have I been pondering over today? It's really weird for me to go a full 24 hours without hardly speaking. I know that shocks some of you, but I realized during my run that I've only said a few words to the people working at the gas stations that I've stopped at. I actually started to talk to myself a little on my run. Sound crazy? Didn't I already tell you that I'm completely okay with that? I think that sometimes you need to remind yourself just what your working towards.

Kristal, you are awesome.

In the Yoga class I'm taking, the instructor is constantly talking about our intention. What is our intention for our practice? Why are we doing it? Why do we put ourselves through blood, sweat and tears, day in and day out? Maybe its just me, but I sometimes sit amongst my own turmoil. Do I keep doing what I'm doing? Does it make me happy? What's my life's purpose? These are some of my own personal questions I'm seeking out. I'm on some sort of quest for personal growth.

Something else I was thinking about. First and foremost, I am shocked by the amount of feedback from both my friends and my family over this blog. Thank you! I love it, whether it be via, Facebook, text or e-mail. It's awesome and it inspires me to keep writing. I'm just going to throw this out there, and some of you know, but one of my dreams is to become a published author. Now how do I put my passion to good use? I was listening to David Ramsey, he's a financial advisor of sorts, and I usually listen to him to make myself feel better. He's always talking to people who are in serious debt and honestly, it makes me feel like I'm not such a failure in life, but during the show I was listening to today he was talking to a guy who had lost his job. He was telling David that he "didn't know what he wanted to do when he grew up." David's response was, "What makes you happy?"

I found myself asking, what makes me happy? I really enjoy talking about myself, that makes me happy, although I have learned that I annoy some of those closest to me & I've been working on listening as well as spilling all of my deepest thoughts and secrets. I also enjoy photography, but if you ask me how I got the picture, I couldn't tell you the technical side to it. I like to refer to myself as an ammature(sp?), self-taught photographer, who does it for pure enjoyment and for no other good reason. I'm sure I don't know how to use half of my cameras functions, but I love it and that's all that matters...

It's gotten really windy, so I'm going to get back in the car and head down the road. I'm hoping to maybe, MAYBE, make it to Sun City tonight. It's still 5 hours (or more) away, but the idea of sleeping in a familiar bed and actually getting a good nights sleep is intriguing. We will see.

More coffee please? I'm starting to miss the convenience of little coffee stands on every corner. They don't exist here in Southern Utah! At least not on the highway :(

K

A Turn of Events

Surprisingly, Craters of the Moon didn't give me the peace of mind I was expecting. It wasn't the place that I had a problem with, it was the weather.

I need to mention first that this will be my inaugural 'camping alone' experience. Something that I never thought that I'd do...... It's good to face your fears, right?

I crawled into my tent around 10:30 and by then it was raining lightly. I decided that might keep me up, so I put in my earplugs and snuggled up in my sleeping bag, expecting to drift off into a blissful sleep. That didn't happen. I couldn't hear anything, but I could feel movement, so I had to take out my earplugs, SOMEBODY (Eric) had gotten me all paranoid about serial killers, rapists and psychotic truck drivers. I was sure their was somebody standing outside of my tent. That feeling lasted for about ten seconds when I realized that it was the wind. When I say wind, I mean holy wind. All I could think about where the super huge tornados, that my dad had told me about, back east. This is why I don't watch the news people. I started to panic. Am I going to be a fucking statistic on the news tomorrow? I can see the headline, 'Campers dead after freak tornado in Idaho.' Who, in their right mind, camps in Idaho, in May? This girl.

I laid there for an eternity, and when I finally looked at the time it was a little after midnight. Not quite the eternity I had thought. Time to make a decision. Either lay here, in my tent, which might take flight at any time, and wake up in the land of OZ or resort to car camping. Car camping it was. The moment I stepped outside of the tent, the tent caught air and flipped over. Nice. I was standing in the rain, with no shoes on, trying to disassemble the tent, in the dark. Fun. There was still stuff inside, but I didn't care. I shoved it, as is, into my trunk. There was so much stuff in my car I had to sleep in the front passenger seat. Not something that I had planned on, it was cramped and cold, but I survived the windy, rainy, and eventually, snowy night.

I'm not even sure if I slept, but I opened my eyes at 7 and my dreams of going for a beautiful spring morning run along the scenic drive around Craters of the Moon was instantly shattered by the new layer of snow. The wind didn't help either. Screw this place. Time to head down the road.

I'll see you later Craters. I'll come back someday when I've finally forgiven you.

Day One

Missoula to Craters of the Moon

Wednesday, May 25th

Dang! I just managed to erase a half an hours worth of typing. I do that. What I've learned is to take a deep breath and start over. The second draft is ALWAYS better then the first.

Where was I? Well. Day one is almost over. I'm not going to count it as my official day one on the road, since I only drove for maybe 6 solid hours. I didn't get as far as I would like but I am most definitely where I am supposed to be. Craters of the Moon is a protected national monument. It's remnants of volcanic lava that came up through the earths cracks, but no one is sure where the origin of the volcano is, but that this volcanic rock has been here for about 2,000 years. It fills up a whole valley in Idaho and I plan on exploring it further tomorrow. There is a 7 mile scenic loop and I don't see why I can't run it.

So why Craters of the Moon? I was drawn to it. Seriously. I've been noticing so many strange coincidences in the past four months and this is one of them. About a month ago, I had a customer in our store looking at some glass votive candle holders. Me being my usual, nosy self, I was prodding into this strangers life about what he may need 70 of these for. He told me that he was building some lanterns for a wedding and he then went into detail. This celebration would take place over several days, where there would be camping, building these fancy structures and digging huge fire pits. This would all be happening in a place called Craters of the Moon. Where? Who the? What the? I had obviously never heard of this place and he insisted that I make a trip their some day.

This place had been in the back of my mind ever since and I even looked to see if I would be close to it on my drive but didn't notice it on the map. It wasn't until this afternoon, when I was on the road. I happened to pass a mileage sign that said I was only 20 miles from the place. I had been wondering if I should stop at a camp ground anyways, but no place I passed felt right. As soon as I saw that sign I knew that was where I was meant to go.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

What type of fruit are you?

(Thoughts from Wednesday morning before I left town)

I just finished working out at the gym and I found myself trash talking my own body. Not out loud, of course, but I've got that constant voice in my head that says mean things. You're fat, you're ugly, you're not good enough, smart enough, you'll never make it on your own. We all have that voice, whether we would like to admit it or not. I've named my voice, well actually Eric named my voice. We call it "nothing". When he first suggested that I laughed, but he's right, this voice is nothing, it means nothing and I really prefer to have nothing to do with "nothing".

I've got some serious body image issues. I look at myself and zero in on my flaws. I usually don't even consider that I've got pretty decent runners legs or perky-ish boobs, I go straight for my stomach. My weakness, my flaw. I am an apple. I'll admit too that. Every bit of fat my body stores heads right to my tummy. This makes me sad, daily, but I'm dealing with it. I run, for gods sake. And I run far! I also go to the gym on a pretty regular basis and if I compare my body to the one I had a year ago, I look pretty good. But who does that? Nobody looks at their not so perfect body and is happy. I was even judging myself on how pale I was. My god. I glow in the dark, well at least my stomach does....

This is one of my many battles, as far as my self image goes, and I plan on conquering it soon. This flame has slowly gotten weaker and it's nearly out....

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Master Plan

One of the things I've really been working on is my habit of "planning". I'm your typical planner. I love to map things out, minute by minute. I make lists and mark things off when I finish my task. The worst part about this, is when my plan doesn't go the way it should, I start to freak out a little. Ask my friend Sam about when we were at the bank the other day. What should have been a quick deposit, turned into a twenty minute delay which made us get to lunch later than expected and in return made me late going back to work. Not that it mattered really, but I started to panic a little. I think I had to take a few breaths and tell myself that it was going to be okay. It's a problem that I'm willing to admit that I have.

So, my master plan. I'm referring to my trip. What is my plan? Well, first and foremost, there is none. The plan is to not really have a plan, but have places I need to be by a certain time, and allowing myself plenty of time to get there. Let's see I have to bullet this because that's an option here and I like "bullets". Just kidding. I tried the whole bullet thing and it didn't work out. Which is fine... Without further ado.....

When do I need to be where...

May 25th; 10:30 am
I must be at Just Teasin (my preferred hair and nail salon) for my pampering. You can't start out a road trip without good hair and nails.

May 27th / 28th Sun City AZ & Safford, AZ
I need to be in Safford, AZ by Friday night. The unofficial plan is to take two days to get to my parents winter home in Sun City West, Az by Thursday, get in my 12 mile run Friday morning and head to Safford that afternoon. My parents home is quite convenient here to visit Eric, only 3 hours away. Hooray for me!

May 31st - June 2 California :)
This is where I meet up with two of my girlfriends. Memri will be joining me for my very special 30th birthday extravaganza at Disneyland while Andrea is kind enough to let me sleep somewhere where there are no children. (I'm just joking about the no kids thing..... Andrea works A TON and the only way for me to see her is to sleep there and hopefully catch a glimpse, if I'm lucky)

*side note* I guess I need to let people know that I am very sarcastic. I also think things are funny when other people do not, which includes really inappropriate times during movies. Just thought I'd throw that out there so I don't have to keep reminding you that I'm J/K'ing :)

June 3-6 VIVA LAS VEGAS
I like to call it my second home. Thanks to my father's profitable gambling habits, I've spent WAY TOO MUCH TIME HERE as a young adult. My first memory was being sixteen and my dad convincing me that I looked old enough to gamble. Great influence, but we can get into all the wonderful life lessons he's taught me, later. I can say that I actually know how to play some of the table games. I don't think I'm going to gamble much, but we will see. My father did just give me money for gas and I'm sure he'd be proud of me if I doubled it on the Pai Gow table..... I'll be in Vegas for my friend Rachel's bachelorette party. Let me tell you, there is nothing sexier then dressing like a trashy hooker and walking down the strip, barefoot, late at night, after street-dancing your ass off. You would have had to be there to understand. Vegas is great. Always one or two forgotten memories left behind.

After June 6th.....
Pretty open ended. Teryn will be meeting me in Vegas and we will drive back to Monterey, hopefully spending at least one night camping, if not two. I'll hang out with her for the better part of the week, if we don't drive each other nuts, we do that, but that's part of our love for one another, arguing, constantly. Bickering like two old ladies. I have a feeling that it wont be as bad this time. I've changed since we were together last, and I no longer worry about my husband (because I don't have one any more). I actually have opinions of my own. It's nice. I'm rambling. I will eventually say goodbye to Teryn and head up the coast VIA Portland, stay with Lynn for a night, convincing her to go on a run BEFORE we go to the bars and then be home by the 12th.

Sound like a plan? Sort of. We will see if I stick to it.

Monday, May 23, 2011

New Beginning

That's how I see this. A clean slate. A year ago I was married, had finished school, working towards what I thought was my path in life, to eventually own our families business. I was also living in a brand new house with the typical setup, minus the kids, plus two cats and one dog. The perfect life. At least that was what I envisioned the perfect life to be, nearly ten years ago, in my early twenties, freshly married to my 'high school sweetheart'.

How could it be that I decided to willingly take the floor out from under myself? One year later, divorced, unsure about my job, do I even like it? Unsure about what I'm supposed to be doing. Unsure about this house that I built, right next door to my parents. Unsure if my hometown is where I'm even supposed to live. Is this what I wanted? I find myself happy, and when I'm happy, it's the happiest I have ever felt, but I also find myself, at times, spiraling out of control, down this deep endless pit of emotions. Anxiety, frustration, sadness, fear of deserving to be happy, fear of never being loved again, fear of being alone, fear of feeling beautiful and strong, fear of being independent. With so many fears, and the list is much much longer if I dwelled on it, it would be easy to run back to my life a year ago, and I've done that. I learned that this, most definitely, did not make me happy.

And where will this take me? That's what I'm about to find out. There's a whole story behind why I decided to take this so called 'journey' of mine in a few days, and it sort of started with Facebook. Sounds ridiculous? Yep. That's my life, completely and utterly absurd at times, totally irrational, irresponsible, and loving every minute of it. Among so many coincidences, which I'm sure I will slowly share with the rest of the world during this trip, I happen to be turning thirty in a little over a week. This trip revolves around the idea that my life plan, when I was twenty thinking about being thirty, has completely unravelled on itself and I'm taking a leap of faith into total darkness.

Okay, okay, a little bit of exaggerating, I do have a plan here. Those of you closest to me know exactly what I'm up too, a fun filled, much needed vacation from reality, with friends that I don't get to see often. Each and every one of them that I will be spending time with, I have at least one point in my life felt extremely close to. Maybe it was years ago, maybe we are at our closest now, but each and every one of them has been part of my life therefore, made me the person that I am. Unfortunately, that person is utterly confused right now and she hopes to get some clarity in the next few weeks.

There might be some of you reading this who don't know my whole story, so let me catch you up on the most surreal thing that has happened to me, ever in my life. I mentioned that Facebook had something to do with this whole trip. At the end of January, when I was pretty much at the end of my ropes with my marriage, I found somebody through Facebook. And old acquaintance, if you will, who had a common friend, Justin. Justin is part of my extended family. One of the many people my dad has met throughout his life and bonded with, that never went away. Justin needs to write a book about his life, he has had so many interesting things happen to him. He's even spent some time in prison, which is where this story starts. When Justin got out, he told me that he had met somebody that I knew while he was in there, and my response was, "I don't know anybody in prison!" Well I was wrong. He had met Eric.

Eric was someone who, let's say, I had a "brief moment" with years ago, when we were young and doing crazy things. I guess I had known he went to jail for something, but never gave it much thought to where he was, what he might be doing, or the fact that he might still be in prison. Justin never let me forget. He was always asking me if I knew where he was, and my answer had always been the same, "I have no idea." Until January. That's when his name popped up on my Facebook page. 'That's weird, I thought he was in prison,' so I added him as a friend. I was soon contacted by his friend who had put up the FB page for him and was told how to really get in touch with him. I guess you can say the rest is history....

Not really, there is more too it. I'll spare you the details, but, long story short, I'm heading down to see Eric. To visit him in prison. I cannot explain the bond that we have, and when I have tried, most people don't understand. You don't understand something like this unless you experience it yourself. This is just right. I honestly think I've found my soul mate. Crazy? Completely. I wont deny that, but I also wont let anyone tell me that what I am doing is wrong, or stupid or irrational, because you know what? It's completely irrational and I've never been happier. We've spent the past four months getting reacquainted through mostly e-mails and short phone-calls. I can't tell you how refreshing it is to have somebody to talk to, somebody who actually responds to what I have to say, somebody who listens to me, somebody who gives me advice & doesn't judge me on my decisions. He's also made me feel strong, independent and beautiful. With words. It's unbelievable and I can't quite grasp this situation that we are in, him in prison for probably the next four years while I'm out here, sorting out my own life. Honestly, it's the best circumstance I could have been put in because I'm not jumping from my marriage into another physical relationship. I'm giving myself time to heal, time to grow, time to become the strong, independent, beautiful woman that I deserve to be and that somebody else deserves to call their wife someday. That's the person I want to become, and I know that I am now on the right path.

I know this is an earful for my first entry, but I'm trying to get everyone caught up to speed. I've been obsessively writing Eric for the past four months and I'm now ready to share my story with my loved ones, because I think it's unique and something special. I want everyone to witness what I am going through. I'm hoping my own experiences helps each and every one of you, if you need the help. When I say help, I mean, that you understand that we all go through shit at times and we need to learn from it and prevail, becoming better people. We've only got one life and I'm tired of watching it pass me by. I'm taking a leap of faith here...... Four days until I see my prisoner for the first time in, I think, at least eight or nine years.

So, if you are still with me :) Please do me a favor. Don't pass judgement. I'm trying my best not to do that with others and if you feel as if I've done that to you, I am sorry, this is a work in progress. I love feedback, but if it's anything negative, I've already heard it, so please, spare me. I've gotten dozens of "he's using you for attention", "he's going to get tired of you," blah blah negativity, I've heard way worse. Yes, he's in prison. I've got it. Guess what? I'm a divorced 30 year old. GET OVER IT. Nobody's perfect. (this includes my spelling and grammar errors in the "nobody's perfect" zone :)

That's it. That's the very brief beginning of my story. More to come. I promise.