Fate

I don't know where to start. I do know that there are more people out there curious about this prisoner of mine, what exactly my intentions are & how this all came about, than I thought. Let me see if I can explain this in a way that will help you understand. I apologize to those of you who have heard it already. The fact that I'm getting very positive reactions to this makes me so happy. Maybe it's because that's what I asked for, but I really am surprised by all of the support, especially those of you who have said that you are proud of me. You don't know what that means to me. It means I'm following the right path, with my heart, and I'm doing the right thing.

First and foremost. I feel the need to explain myself a little. Eric has absolutely NOTHING to do with my divorce. It might seem that way, considering the timing, but honestly, that's all it was, good timing. A coincidence. I also don't consider my marriage with Cody a waste of my time. There were good moments, but never great moments. I can't recall anything that stood out as being spectacular or extra special about our marriage, but I don't discredit my time with him at all. I still love him, but not in a way that a wife should love their husband. I don't know if he will ever understand and I feel that he resents me a little. I learned so much while we were married and I take that to heart. Also, for those of you who think that I might be rushing into things with Eric, and I know you're out there, that's okay. Just remember, when you think that I need time to be alone...... I've been alone, for years. I can't count the times I was the third wheel, the fifth wheel, the spare fucking tire when I was with my friends. Cody never wanted to be part of my social life and that's fine, that's why we aren't together anymore, I had had enough. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to go to weddings by myself or be left somewhere because he isn't having fun and wants to go home. I got tired of that, and for now, I'm more then happy to do these things alone, because, Eric can't be there. People wont be asking me where Eric is, because they will know exactly where he is. Someday, he will be with me, we will do these things together, and we will enjoy every moment with one another. I know it in my heart.

So about that. How am I so sure? I can't explain it, but I'm going to try. Have you ever felt the presence of somebody? That tug at your heart? Well that's what I'm feeling. That's what we are both feeling. There is something going on here, something that I've never experienced and I'm now believing this is something that only happens once. I'm just glad I recognized it. Actually, it might have been Eric who recognized it first. For me, he was a way to vent, like I'm doing now. He willingly listened and gave me advice. He was my voice of reason on so many things. We are both in a rough patch in our lives, it just so happened that our paths crossed at just the right moment. Had I seen his name on Facebook a year ago, I probably wouldn't have taken much notice. There were so many things that led us to one another. That need to have somebody hear our voice & to actually be heard. To be accepted for the people that we've both become, the good and the bad. That is what we are to one another. Today in an e-mail, Eric said he could feel me getting closer. I'm serious when I say that I could feel him too. It's weird, and it's great. I only hope that everyone has this experience in life, because I'm starting to recognize just what life is all about and all the amazing possibilities, if you just let it happen.

Now, the strange thing, for me, is how I can fall in love with somebody without seeing them. This is a new experience. I'm sure there are those of you out there who are going to be disgusted by this, but I've sent Eric photos of me. Lot's of photos. I have to say, it can be rewarding to the self image. Something I started to do was, when I had a picture I absolutely hated and wanted to rip up, I sent it with the rest. I'd say 99% of the time it turned out to be his favorite. Funny? I think it is. It's funny how you can look in the mirror and see one thing, while somebody looking at you sees something completely different. I sit at my vanity, when I write Eric, most of the time, and I'm facing a mirror. I can't tell you how often it was, I'd sit down, feeling frumpy, "fugly", whatever & I'd read something from him, and the next time I glanced up at myself, my image had totally changed. There's this beautiful person that has been waiting to get acknowledged. She's not always in hiding now, but she still comes and goes.

Side note. I feel like I'm overusing the comma..... lol Art School sure didn't cover grammar......

Anyways, back to falling in love with what I've been calling Eric, "the invisible man." I have photos of him, but apparently the most recent on is outdated and Eric would prefer if I threw it out. Sorry Eric, but until you send me a more current photo (which I just found out he's been HOLDING OUT ON ME!!!!). There are so many things I love about this man. I love his soul. I love his spirit. I love his laugh and how his voice gets a little higher pitched when he gets excited (he's going to hate that I said that). I love how he's constantly trying to prove to me that he's educated (I know you're smart), and I love how he has a plan for when he gets out of jail. I love that he responds to my e-mails when he thinks they need responding too, and let's other ones go because I was simply venting. I don't know how many times I've brought up stuff that involved my marriage, where he could have sided with me and trash talked Cody, but he didn't. I appreciate that. I don't think I was looking for that type of support anyways, I just needed to let it out. I love that he has a really good sense of humor. We joke about prison. I have "jail nails" for this visit. lol I love that he accepts me for who I am. I LOVE that he's never once asked me not to cry. That's a biggie. I've cried to him so many times when I've written him, and I'm always honest about it. I've cried to him on the phone & the one thing he's ever said about it is that he wishes he could be there to wipe away my tears. I'm telling you. There is so much to love about this guy! The list goes on and on, but I don't want to bore you. Honestly, I'm kind of tired. This girl needs her beauty sleep.

That made me emotional, thinking about all the crying I've been doing. I'm not going to lie, part of me is so scared of tomorrow, so scared of being disappointed, so scared that when Eric sees me, he's not going to like me in person. It's that voice, that "nothing", and I'm ready to prove that voice wrong. Screw you, stupid voice. Go away.

That's about it. Visitation is at 8 am tomorrow. I'm going to try my best to be the first one in line. I'm also going to try to not throw up from being so nervous. The nervousness comes and goes. I honestly think I was more nervous when we had our first phone conversation and when I met Kyle (Eric's brother). Send me good thoughts people! I need it for tomorrow.

Sealing my fate? Maybe :)