Last blog for 2011 :)

Hey ya'll! I'm just letting everyone know that due to my busy December schedule, I'm not going to be posting anything new and exciting. I have a plan for 2012, which involves a weekly blog. Trying to get this chaotic life of mine situated. Happy Holidays! I'll see you in 2012. My goal is to have my first post on the first of the year. Any newbies to my blog can catch up on the reading :) You Rock!

Disappointing

Seriously. The highlight of my weekend was the 4 short hours I spent with Eric. You heard me. I flew over 700 miles, and drove 3 hours from Mesa to Safford, only to see him for 4 hours. Once again I broke the G.D. rules and was kicked out early. You'd think I was the criminal. Maybe I am????

I'm just glad it's over. I nearly missed my flight this morning. Let's start with that, and I'll work backwards. UGH. This morning, I woke up early and headed to the airport before 6 am. We were held up in traffic because of a car wreck, so instead of it taking about an hour, it took an hour and a half. When I was dropped off, it was 7:20, and my flight was at 8:05. Allegiant Air has it's own airport in Mesa, it's about half the size of our tiny little airport in Missoula, so it's usually no big deal. WELL. Today was different. Apparently there were 5 outgoing flights within 2 hours, so there was a line of like 500 people. SHIT. I thought I was late last time, when I tried to outsmart the GPS and went the wrong way. Nope, this was worse. I think I'm doomed to miss a flight. I stayed in line for a few minutes and started talking to the people behind me, they were going to Bozeman and told me to cut in line. I was too shy to cut, so the lady I had just met went up to a group of guys and asked if I could jump ahead of them. Strangers are so nice sometimes. I'm such a scaredy cat. They said it was fine and when I told them where I was going, they pointed to the "express line", which I had not seen. Thank GOD! So, I get in that line and they announce that they are closing our flight in 5 minutes. Just in the knick of time, right? Until I went through security. I guess my suitcase full of mexican jewelry was a "red flag", (thank you dad) so they had to search BOTH OF MY BAGS. OH. MY. GOD. I don't have time for this. The flight leaves in less then 15 minutes. As I'm patiently waiting for the security guard to go through my shit, they repeatedly announce my name over the intercom, "Kristal Cowart, you have 3 minutes to get to gate 5". FUCK FUCK FUCK. I'm sorry, but Arizona just hasn't treated me very well this weekend, I'm ready to leave. I don't want to be stuck here..... After an ETERNITY, the guard finally gives me my bags. I'm borderline crying, but trying to keep myself together, since I know how to do that so well. As I ran to the gate, I passed the coffee stand :( Booooooooooo!!!! No time. I'll get it on the plane. When I handed the flight attendant my ticket, he told me that I had 10 more seconds before he was going to close everything down. SHIT SON! What the hell is going on this weekend? I don't have a clue. All I know is it ended about the same way it started, so I'm glad it's over. And they didn't serve coffee on the flight.

Let's rewind to Friday.

So Friday morning, I hop on the plane, leaving the blizzardy Montana weather for sunny Arizona. Things are looking bright. I land without anything crazy happening, my parents pick me up, and we head to Safford. We're all in a good mood, catching up on what's been going on back home for the past few weeks while my parents have been gone. The drive through the "mountains" (if you can call it that) is actually a very pretty drive and we make it to our destination before dark. My dad wasn't feeling well, so my mom and I dropped him off at the hotel and headed to dinner. We went to a local Mexican restaurant that Eric's mom has suggested we try, and the service was so good that we were in and out in less then 20 minutes. I swear. It was kind of funny, since we were trying to waste time. After dinner and a quick stop at Walgreens, we decided to take a drive out to the prison to see what it looks like in the dark. I wanted to know what kind of mileage I was going to be running the next day. You heard me. My completely rational plan, since I was carless, was to pack my running backpack with my running gear and run from the prison to my hotel. I had called the prison earlier in the week to find out if there were lockers that I could use. I remembered there being lockers in the restroom outside of security. They assured me that I could use them for all the items not allowed in to visitation, which is basically anything other then quarters and my ID. My mom and I discovered that I would be running about 8 1/2 miles. That's EASY, except for the fact that I cannot breath through my nose. I had a head cold that I had been trying to fight for a few days, but of course, when I come to visit Eric, I'm sick. I don't think I've been down there to see him where I haven't been sick or super sleep deprived. It's no good, but it's better then not going down there, so I'll take what I can get.

The next morning, we woke up bright and early, around 6, and were headed to the prison by 7. The plan was for my parents to drop me off before they continued onwards to Mexico. I would only have to find my way to the hotel that afternoon (running) and back to the prison the next day. I called the Taxi company the day before and left a message on their answering machine. It wasn't looking hopeful, so I was going to try to make a friend that would be willing to pick me up the next morning. Thank God I know how to make friends easily, which isn't always a good thing, I tend to be a bad judge of character and usually give people the benefit of the doubt until someone screws me over somehow (I trait I inherited from my father). I had my parents wait a minute while I ran inside and secured my stuff in one of the lockers. This is when I ran into my first problem. I suppose I should have caught this as a sign, but I just thought of it as a minor, but annoying, speed bump. They didn't know where the keys were. Awesome. I called ahead of time to make sure that this didn't happen. What is wrong with these imbeciles? I was slightly annoyed, but took a deep breath, I can figure this out. I walked out to where the other visitors where sitting and asked nicely if someone would be willing to let me put my backpack in their trunk. A girl about my age, with a foreign accent, who I later learned was named Jovana, jumped right up and said it was okay if I put it in her car. Thank God. I waved goodbye to my parents and sat down to wait until 8 am, when they allow us in. Only one more hour and I get to see Eric. The long almost three month wait was finally over. I was excited.

Finally. It was time. We went through the same old security. I beeped, but the really mean security guard is gone, so it doesn't matter, it's my bra, no biggie. We were taken into the visitation room, shown where we should sit and I headed straight to the vending machine to hoard the orange juice, something they aren't given in prison. No OJ? Nope. Eric eventually came out, and we set into our usual, now familiar routine. It always takes about an hour to get use to actually being around one another. I find myself becoming shy around a man that I talk to every day on the phone and through e-mails, but in person, it kind of feels like a first date. He told me that I intimidate him, and I"m still trying to figure out how. I'm 5'4", with fake blond hair, half his size. I'm scary. lol. We ate some delicious vending machine food and played scrabble, where I mercilessly kicked his ass. He helps me, so I guess he is the winner, but I'll claim it. At around noon, we took some pictures. It's something that I can hardly handle, since I don't have control of the camera, but Eric looks forward to them, so I do it for him. They'll be developed and given to him in a few weeks and I know that will make his day, so it's worth it. We sat back down, and ate some more food (see why I don't mind running the nearly 9 miles??) and about the time we were finishing up, a short gray haired man called Eric up to the desk. It was the same man who was absolutely no help early with the locker keys. I guess he is some sort of authority. I've never seen him prior to this day, or at least, never took notice.

Eric looked at me, and I asked him what they wanted, he had no idea. We had purposefully been on our best behavior because my dad was coming to visit the next day, we didn't want the guards to have any reason to cancel our visit. As I sat in my chair I began to feel uncomfortable. I could tell that they were arguing about something. I eventually stood up, to see if I could interject and the little female guard, who always picks on Eric, told me to sit down. I did what she said. I have no idea if she really has that much authority over me, but I've heard rumors of people being permanently kicked out of visitation and I don't want to risk that. Eric eventually came back and sat next to me. He told me that they had evidence that he had touched my ass. WHAT THE HELL? First of all. Who the F cares? Secondly, evidence? I guess when we went up to get our pictures taken, they caught his hand touching me "inappropriately" on video. The sad truth to this, I started it. He was just (without thinking) returning the favor. It's always been a rumor that the photo area is kind of a "safe area" to get away with things, but we weren't thinking about that. I've already been kicked out once. Neither of us wanted that to happen again, especially because my dad was coming the following day. All we care about is seeing each other. Hell yes a conjugal visit would be nice, but we both know this isn't the place. (sorry you had to hear that mom and dad :)

I had to leave. We should have had two more hours that day, but I had to leave. Are you kidding me? Okay. So what the hell was I supposed to do? My bag was in a complete strangers car. As I was escorted out, the little gray haired dude asked me if I had a ride. No. You know why? Because Saffords taxi service SUCKS. OR it's non existent. I had to explain to them that my stuff was in Jovana's car and I needed that before I could leave. This is about the time where I completely lost it. I don't think I've ever been this emotionally broken down in public EVER. I stood in the front lobby, outside security and sobbed while they went back in to get Jovana. Now I was screwing up someone else's visit. Great. Surprisingly she didn't even seem to care. This girl was very happy-go-lucky and I'm glad I found her. She let me get my bag and she said she would give me a ride if I needed one the next day. At least there's tomorrow, right? I was crossing my fingers. We exchanged numbers as we walked back to the building, with the lieutenant following behind us. As we got to the door the lieutenant told me that I couldn't go in with my cellphone. What? Why? Who the hell cares. I just needed to go into the bathroom so I could change. For God's sakes, give me a friggin break here. I know none of you have souls, but I'm just an innocent girl who's fallen for a guy on the other side of the wall. Does that make me less of a person? Come on. I finally had to resort to hiding my cell phone behind the garbage can outside. It was ridiculous. At least if my iphone was taken I could find it via gps. lol. I was probably overreacting at the time, but Jesus.

As I went back inside, the one nice guard that I've encountered reminded me that I needed to give her the license number off of my parents car. I suppose I could have just made something up, but I like this woman, and I've seen her a few times, she's been nothing but nice, and treats me like an equal and not like a criminal, so I don't mind doing what she asks. She walked outside with me so I could get my phone to call my parents and that's when I broke down. Sobbing. This is the point where I start to question myself. Is this worth it? Is this man really worth all of this torment, this heartache? I feel like nothing we do will ever be "right" in their eyes (the guards who seem to HATE us). I told Eric before we parted, that it was inevitable, they were going to find SOMETHING wrong. No matter what. The nice guard patiently waited while I lost it and told me she wished she could do something about it, but it was out of her control (I knew that). She started to tell me about the Mexican man that was sitting on the bench right outside of security and how his family had traveled from Mexico to see one of the inmates, another family member, that they hadn't seen in years, and he hadn't filled out the visitation form that you need to send in weeks before you come to visit, so he wasn't allowed in. I'm not sure if she was trying to make me feel better, but it was comforting to know that SOMEONE had a little compassion. Thank you, Miss Security guard who's name I do not know.

I eventually got myself changed into my running clothes. I bid the security guard farewell and told her I had some much needed anger that I needed to run off, and I headed down the road. Once again, running came to the rescue. How many times do I need to repeat myself. I think running is saving my sanity. As I ran down the highway (yes, highway, but it was a two lane and only about half of it didn't have sidewalks), I began to release all the days frustrations. They can kick me down. Over and over. I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to admit defeat, and as long as Eric is where he is, I'm going to stay strong. Somehow, the worse the situation, the stronger I become. By the time Eric called, I was five miles into my run, and my head was once again on straight.

"Tell me some good news." I begged him, as I slowed down to a walk.

Unfortunately there was none. Not only had our visit ended early that day, but I would not be allowed to return on Sunday, nor would my father be allowed to go visit. The weekend was ruined. I was internally devastated, but that's the last thing he needed to hear. I could tell that he was worried that perhaps what had happened would ruin our relationship. He was so wrong. There is nothing those guards can do to me to make me love him any less. No one will ever know what the entirety of how he's changed my life, with just words. No one will know except the two of us, which is fine, it's nobody else's business. For him to even consider that I would think about not returning to see him. He is so wrong. We do this for each other, pick each other up when one of us is down. He's done it time and time again for me, when I've been at my very worst, it was my time to return the favor.

What I'm worried about is this affecting his mother's visit, next month. She hasn't seen her son in over a year and wasn't even sure she'd be able to make a trip down there until recently, and now that might be completely ruined, because of me. It's really no one's fault, unfortunately it's human nature to want to touch someone you love, especially when you're not allowed. Eric had to make a statement when he was getting the equivelant to being "written up" (prison term "given a shot") and he admitted to what he was accused of and said he was sorry, but he missed me and he didn't even realize he was doing it, which was true. I can't tell you how many time's I've had the natural desire to lean in and give him a kiss, only to realize that I can't. The things you take for granted! I never thought I'd ever be in a position like this, where there were certain things that you cannot do. We both feel robbed of something, a little bit of time together, to make the distance not seem so far, but I know we will get through this, and hopefully I'll be back there in a couple months.

It's pretty amazing what little things I look forward too these days. There are certain things that I want and cannot have. I can't be with the one I want WHEN I want, I have to settle on these short visits. I look forward to holding his hand and looking him in the eye when we talk. I look forward to being around him for a short period of time. There is just something about this man that makes me believe that he is worth the wait....

Young, Wild and Free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, perhaps I'm none of these really, but I need to remind myself that this is always an option.  I guess I don't have the choice to become younger, but do I need to act my age?  I certainly am okay with not looking my age.  It's a flattering compliment that I've been getting more and more.  As I was getting ready in the locker room of my gym the other day, there were some high school girls chattering away.  I could see their reflections in the mirror behind my own and I thought to myself, "I'm glad to be me."  A good feeling.  Comfortable in my own skin?  Some days, but that's better than before.  I no longer look in the mirror and loath myself, and I give credit to some sort of inner growth I've accomplished this past year.  It will always be a work in progress.....  I just gotta keep moving forward.  Moving forward.

Maybe I've put my wild side to rest.  I think the drunkin Kristal with no limits to what she will or will not do is gone.  Dance on the bar, of course drunk Kristal would be all over that, sober Kristal, well, I guess it depends on my mood and how much you pay me.  I might still do some of the silly things that I did when I drank, and I see my shy sober self starting to peel away like a layer of dead skin.  I'm becoming the person I lost years ago.  I've always been an outgoing, outspoken, at times annoying to people, with a laugh that turns heads, but the more I drank and used drugs the more that girl that came out naturally suddenly became locked away until I had my next fix.  It's kind of bizarre to look back at myself and think, "did I really change that much from drinking?"  I would love to contradict myself and say, "no.....  none of that changed me."  But that would be me lying to myself.  My personality flat out changed over the years, where I only felt like I was "fun" when I had a few drinks in me.  Little did I know, I was just becoming an asshole.

Freedom.  So, I don't have total freedom.  I would really like to have some financial freedom, but I did dig myself a bit of a trench this last summer when I went on my 'I'm turning 30, and going a little insane, so let's go on a road trip and not care about money' three week adventure, but when I step back and look at the big picture, it's really all okay.  I have a home for god's sake, and thankfully my loan is for about half of what it's actually worth.  I'm luckier then I'd like to admit most days.  Todays one of those days where I will openly admit that, yes, I am blessed.  I was raised in a loving family, who is close.  I mean CLOSE.  Tell me of anyone else you know who lives next door to their parents AND works along side them.  I'm grateful for that.  Who knows what my life would be like if I didn't have such hard working parents.  They were able to support me when I went to college, they've helped me with my house, they even loaned me money so I could purchase "white falcon".  Without them, who knows.  I chose not to question that.  Family is important.

I'm thinking about my family with nervous anticipation to how the next few days are going to go....  I'm currently on a plane heading down to Arizona for the weekend.  Goodbye cold Montana, hello sunny 70 degree weather!  I have a friggin cold, but I have a feeling that as soon as I feel the warm air, I'll be magically healed, maybe not, but I'm hoping so.  My parents are picking me up from the airport and we are headed straight for Safford to see Eric.  You see, I still have my provisional license and I still am not supposed to be driving.  Boooooooooooo!!!!!  I feel like I'm 14 again and eagerly waiting for my 15th birthday so I can legally drive.  The good news is, my dad is only coming in on Sunday, for a short visit.  Then there is the bad news.  I'm left without a car, ten miles from town.  hmmmmmmmm.  How is this going to go?  I have no idea.  I had big dreams of making my workout for the weekend be a ten mile run from the prison back to the hotel, but now that I have a cold....  I dunno.  I might have to depend on the one and only cab service in the area named Hollywood Taxi.  I'm not sure what to think about that.

I guess we will just have to wait and see.  Either way, it's been way too long since my last visit.  I vow to never go this long again between seeing him.  I know this is teaching me patience and it's only been like eighty days since I saw him last.  It's just driving this girl nuts....

Thursday Night Ramble

That was kind of weird. I'm sitting here at work, at our motel, with my feet up on the counter, thinking about how I should stay on top of my blogging and my foot bumped my computer. When it woke up it was on this blog posting page, so....... I guess this is what I'm supposed to be doing tonight. What I really want to do is get consumed by the Real World, because it takes no brain power to watch. I just did put this post on pause to watch some twenty four year olds make out, like I care..... I seriously don't watch TV unless I'm here. I don't get it, because I become as obsessed as the rest of you when I start to watch.... And there is this rumor that my sister is newly obsessed with Gossip Girl. Really? I've never seen it, so...... No judging.... So where am I today. It was actually sunny out, so that was good. I went for a run, so I feel accomplished. I found this new sweet app for my iphone called MyFitnessPal, which tracks your calories and exercise, it's awesome and I find myself obsessing over that, but also eating better because I'm forced to record every little thing I ate, including the 50 cents I spent at the candy machine. Damn M&M's. Wait... the show is back on. I'll be right back. Okay, thank God that's over! I'll probably get sucked into next weeks episode, because I'll BE HERE! Shoot. Stupid TV. It's controlling my life. So, as I attempt to not waste time on silliness, like reality tv, I've been trying to sort out where I'm headed in my life. Is it weird that I picture myself as a mom someday? Is that too far fetched for a 30 year old to still think like that? I hope not. I was eavesdropping on a conversation in the locker room at the gym, and a woman, who teaches a baby swimming class, was talking about how she had several first time moms in their mid thirties. Sweet. It is possible. I'm not too old, yet.... Now, how do I get a sperm donation from my prisoner? Just fucking with you! Ha! And that's only because I have a friend who keeps teasing me about that. Yeah right. I'm crazy, but please, give me a little credit here. I definitely want to be a mom some day, and it does feel good knowing that I think I'll be ready to be a parent, when the time comes. I also see myself as a published author. I'm throwing that one out there. I know I need to work on developing my writing skills and figure out exactly what it is that I want to write about. Steamy romance novel? lol. Probably not, just sorting out how to start this. Should I go back to school? Would that be to my advantage? I have no idea. I'm just hoping that what is supposed to happen with happen the way that it should. I'll figure it out. I'm surrendering, remember? I'm trying to let things happen, but that can be a little hard for someone who wants immediate gratification.... Something else I'm learning, patience. If that's not what I'm getting out of waiting for the man I want to be with, who may or may not be incarcerated for the next three years, then I must just be crazy. I've never wanted to be with someone so badly, but I know in my heart that we wont be together until I've sorted my life out. I want to prove to myself that I can do a few things. Survive on my own, that's numero uno. Get myself out of the debt I've created and be able to financially do the things I want with the money I've earned. It's a harsh reality, but at least I'm learning this while I'm young and not when I'm fifty. It's a invaluable lesson, learning how to do things on my own, but I'm thankful that I was given this opportunity, There is a reason for all of this. I'm not sure what yet, but I will eventually. I just know it. And that's my ramble.

Surrender

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become"

AND.... I'm back. Not that I was ever gone, but once again I have lost my way. This is a more hypothetical "lost", but for some reason I've written at least three blogs that I either, never finished, never posted or frankly went missing, so here I am trying again. I really want to make a habit of writing more, but I get stuck in this monotony where I don't think anyone would really care what is going on in my life. I am constantly reminded, that for some silly reason, people want to read what I write... so.... here goes a completely unplanned, unorganized blog.

Wish me luck.

My last two, unsuccessful, blogs were about how much I have been crying. For some reason I don't think I'm meant to talk about that too much, so I'm going to try another approach, even though I don't know what that approach might be yet. I had been questioning why I was getting so upset over certain things that were going on in my life involving "the ex". Whether I like it or not, I think I have emotions towards the reality of seeing him with another woman, he was a big part of my life for over ten years.... OR maybe it's the idea that he keeps blatanly lying to my face about things, which DRIVES ME ABSOLUTELY CRAZY. I think it's more the lying then the fact that he's with a woman. That's all I'm going to say on that subject, I "let it go" last week. I have to accept the things I cannot change. The only thing I really wish to change is the fact that I continue to cry over everything.... but that's me. I've always been a cryer, so if it bugs you when occasionally I sob in public, stop staring.

On to bigger and better things.

I woke up yesterday in what I like to call a "dark" mood. Maybe it was the weather.... Montana is now in a new season, I like to call it the beginning of "the very long winter", where it's cold as hell, and gloomy 5 out of the 7 days in a week, or more. Not exactly the happiest place to be, but here we are, for the next least 6 months. I at least have the prospect of going to visit Eric in Arizona soon, thank God, or I might go stir crazy. The weather man said that we have below average lows right now and it should continue through the entirety of our winter. Awesome. I can't wait. I have a hard enough time being happy when the sun is out... This is when I need to remind myself to go for a run.

I'm serious. No matter what mood I'm in, no matter how frustrated I am with my life or how things feel like they just aren't going my way, I go for a run and everything changes. I know I've said this before and I'm probably repeating myself, but I cannot express enough how important it is to find that one thing that will ALWAYS make you feel better. Eric has told me time and time again to go on a run when I'm complaining about hating life and he's right. Sometimes I don't even want to do it, but I've never regretted forcing myself to lace up my shoes and head outside. Rain, sun, snow and ice, life become simple once again.

I can breath!!!!!!!!!

This all comes back around to the idea of surrendering. I've been contemplating my upcoming tattoo that I want to get. My very first tattoo. My father has held it over my sister and I's head for years that he would take us out of the "will" if we were ever to get a tattoo. I respect him for making us think twice, when we were younger. Because of that man I do not have any ridiculous tattoos, and boy did I have some GOOD ideas back when I was eighteen. Thank God my dad had me convinced that I would never become anything in my life, so I'd have to depend on this "will"..... I'm done with that. I'm finished being bossed around and told what to do in every aspect of my life. He can be my "boss" at work, but as far as anything else.... sorry dad. I guess I am thirty... I suppose I should quit wanting my parents to pay for certain things, I am an adult, but I think a part of every parent/child relationship is for them to always pay for your meal.... right? :) I'm trying to be funny mom. I know you are reading this. I do love my parents. I'm just done with the "if you get a tattoo, you lose your inheritance" threat.

I've been very hesitant to get a tattoo (I know, I used my own free will, incredible, right?) but I had a friend, with tattoos, who mentioned how each tattoo he has reminds him of where he was in his life at the time. I like the idea of that and I really feel as if I've made some HUGE changes in my life. Don't worry, Bat-shit-crazy-Kristal isn't around, so she wont be getting a gigantic heart "tramp stamp" with Kristal + Eric = LOVE written across my back, although the thought has crossed my mind. Wouldn't that be a shocker? I'm not getting Eric's prison number tattooed on my inner arm, although the thought of that makes me laugh. It does sound kind of sexy, for like a moment, and then I think, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, who is this girl that has taken over my body??" What am I thinking? And why am I sharing this with god knows who? I guess to keep me honest. Honesty is the best policy.

I'm wandering. Okay. Surrender. Where was I? I have no idea.

At first I was thinking about getting the entire Serenity Prayer

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

-but I didn't like the idea that it's a very prevalent prayer in Alcoholics Anonymous. (side note) I'm refusing to admit that I'm an alcoholic, I don't like that title, okay, "I'm Kristal, and I can't hold my liquor" or "Hi, my name is Kristal and I'm a terrible drunk". Those are more fitting. Hey, I'm just being honest. I realized during my third AA meeting, when a very aggressive woman told me that I needed a sponsor AND I needed to attend 90 meetings in 90 days that I didn't have the problem everyone was trying to convince me that I had.

"My name is Kristal, and I make REALLY bad decisions when I drink." There's another one. These are more fitting, they really are. I did learn allot from the few meetings I attended, but that's not what this blog is about. So, back to the prayer that I liked. I started thinking about what I liked about the prayer. Accepting the things I cannot change. That is my new "mantra". Ask my sister. I've been annoying her with that & every-time I get frustrated with something you hear me say it, and it works! I swear! Or at least I want it to work, so it works. Either way, it works for me. Accepting the things that I cannot change has been HUGE, but as I thought about it, it's been more about me letting go of everything that I know, everything that I'm comfortable with and surrendering myself to let things happen, without reason and suddenly it all falls into place.

That's what happened to me last January. Little did I know, I was starting to surrender. I was in so much emotional pain that I no longer knew where to turn, so I stopped doing what I was doing and let it all go. I surrendered to the fear of the unknown. Now that I've done that, things are ever so slowly starting to happen the way they were supposed to, not how everyone else had planned. So, we will have to just wait and see if I actually get a tattoo in a few weeks. Right now I'm seriously thinking of getting this word, surrender, permanently placed somewhere on my body as a reminder of everything this year has meant to me, everything I've gone through and most of all, what I'm learning about myself. It's no one elses life and for now I'm not sure exactly where my path is headed, but it's a good feeling knowing that I'm at least going in the right direction. One step closer towards my destiny. ;)

Introducing White Falcon

"All great changes are preceded by chaos"

I've been blog slacking!  Well, it's kind of funny and ironic, because I was about to blog about being annoyed with my car, only to discover this half finished blog from several weeks ago.....

(From 10/04/11)
Well, hopefully my carless days are over.  After weeks of waiting and looking for the perfect "affordable" car, I've finally got something.  My ultimate goal was to get into something quick, without a car payment.  This means an old car, with high miles.  Not the greatest feeling in the world, to go from a car from this decade to one that's nearly three times as old, with over 200,000 miles.  YIKES, but as long as this 96' 4Runner gets me through the winter, I'll be happy.

Surprisingly, I found it on craigslist. I think it might have been for sale for a few months, because when I saw the ad, the price had been reduced.  hmmmmmm....  worth looking at.  A bit of a lemon, but with a little work I can have this thing in tip-toppish shape.  It only needs a new window, a stereo, brakes, and front seat (stuck in recline, in the farthest back position - just doesn't work for this shorty), not to mention some serious DEEP CLEANING.  I went through deep clean, phase one, last night, and it is looking better.  I also started my search for a new front seat yesterday.  A tedious task of calling the local wreck yards and seeing if they had the right one.  I learned that the 96' model 4Runner was a new body style, so nothing older than that would work. Boo!!!!  I found seats that were in excellent shape, but the hardware was wrong.  That was at the junkyard in Bonner.  Those guys were super helpful, but suggested I call the Russians.

The Russians?

You heard me, and that's exactly what I said when they suggested I call them.  I was told that they had a junkyard and would quite possibly have many Toyotas to choose from....  that was yesterday.

So, today, I wake up in good spirits.  It's pouring rain, but that's okay, because I have a car now and I don't have to depend on anyone.  I covered all of my bases yesterday and updated the licensing and insurance.  I could legally drive my car.  I decided to get into town early, and take the Pattee Canyon route, just to see how the car (or is it a truck.....) drove.  As I was heading through town, down Higgins, I noticed the brakes grinding a bit, and so I was very much distracted by them as I came over the Higgins street bridge, nearly running a light, but decided to slam on my brakes to see how they sounded.  That's when I saw the motorcycle cop, waiting out in front of the Macy's building, getting situated to ruin somebodies day.  Suckers.

As the light turned green, the bike cop pulls into the right lane and stops traffic because he slows down.  Hmmmmmmm.  There is no way I'm being pulled over.  I pass him, hesitantly, but also trying to look as un-guilty as possible.  I am driving to work.  This is totally legal, even with a provisional license.  It doesn't matter what I do now, if there is a cop, I feel guilty.  Sure enough, the cop pulls behind me and turns his lights on as I turn onto Main Street.

Great. Just great.  Not only does this just suck.  I feel like a fool, because I still have a broken seat and I look like an asshole because my backpack is propped up behind me so I can reach the pedals.  Apparently I was speeding.  36 in a 25.  Whoops.  I've never been pulled over for speeding before.  NEVER.  And now that I have a restricted license, I get pulled over.  Awesomeness.  Great.  I'm just happy I woke up in a good mood today.  

When I got to work I called the Russians.  Fedan was his name and he was very helpful.  He told me to come out to the yard in the afternoon, which I did, but with my father.  You can't go visiting Russians alone.  This is common knowledge.  I probably sound racist, but if you are from Missoula, you've heard about the Russians being involved with stolen cars, so it's hard not to stereotype them, especially when the guys at the other wreck yard tell you that they had to stop doing business with these Russians because they were taking stolen vehicles and putting other vin numbers on them and selling them...... 

That's as far as I got, HA!

(We are back to our current date :)
What about the Russians?  I ended up getting a seat that almost matches identically, from the Russians, for $60.  I now know how to install a seat, so if you need help.  I'm just saying.  After that, I decided to change my own oil, since I now know how to do that, only to spend two hours trying to get the G D filter off, and failing. When I walked into my house, my roommate was real insistent that I take a picture for Eric, but I wouldn't allow it.  I was COVERED in oil, from head to toe.  HOW?  I have no idea.  Pure frustration I guess is a magnet to dirt and oil when you are a little girl under a car struggling to do something herself....  No thank you.  I'm over trying to change the oil on my own.  I did successfully change the battery, which died two weeks into my ownership.  :(  A bit of a lemon, but only because of it's age, if there's one thing about toyotas, they will last if you take care of them!  I also ultimately had to get the brakes fixed, so now I've pumped in another $500 into this rig, which, honestly, I absolutely LOVE.  I do.  I was meant to have an SUV.  Never again will I drive an old lady car.  You have my word!

As for my speeding ticket, that cost me $84.  I wont get into it.  It's kind of a sore subject, but that's over and done with, now can we please just move one without any more "incidents".  Cody teased me about my speeding ticket, only to get one of his own the very next day.  Karma?  Maybe.  :)

Here's me crossing my fingers that I make it through the winter with this blessed beast....  I've been told It needs a name....  White Falcon? 

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." - unknown

It's been another set of interesting days.... Sunday I ran the Blue Mountain 30k, which for those of you who don't know, is 18.6 miles, but to make it easier, we are going to call it 19 miles. I ran 19 miles on Sunday. I ran up 3,600 feet to the top of a mountain, and then back down. Okay okay, I'll be honest, I walked little parts of it and I didn't do it alone. I had a very close friend of mine help me get through this, while endouring her own physical pain. This isn't easy people, and for me, this was such a significant goal to accomplish. I did the same run last year. I weighed a solid twenty pounds more, was still married, and didn't consider myself a runner. Last year it took me a grueling 5 hours. Last year I came in dead last. This year was different. I was hoping to beat my time, but after the car accident, I allowed myself to be happy just finishing again. Even if I were dead last. I was going to be okay with that. The race started at 8:30, at The Peak, and as the group of 100 racers started to climb the hill, we began to spread out. By the time we reached the trailhead, the elite runners were long gone, but surprisingly, we weren't dead last. I sort of expected it to happen. Last year I got behind right in the beginning and was passed by the old lady around mile nine, which was a little discouraging. I'm not a sore loser, and I'm not competitive, so it wasn't the end of the world to be last... But still. I was determined to at least finish second to last this day..... As we continued to climb, people started to slow down to a hike. We did a great job keeping our 'slow jog' going for the first six miles, passing the hikers one at a time. Even an uncompetative girl enjoys passing people. :). I remember getting to the top where we cold take in our first view of the valley and thinking about how last year I could see the sweepers catching up with me. Sweepers are the people who come at the end, making sure there isn't anyone lying dead on the trail. That's how slow I was last year..... They were clipping at my heels the whole time. Not this time. As I looked down the hill I saw people that were actually in this race with me. As I looked ahead of me, same thing, there were people. I wasn't last, I was in the middle of the pack. It might have been the back of the pack, pack, but still! The whole race I felt stronger then I had a year ago. I kept thinking about how far I have come in this past year. I've had such a crazy year. If you would have told me a year ago that a year from then I'd be divorced, dating an incarcerated felon, totaled my car in a life threatening accident, adopted a second dog, had a roommate, gotten a DUI, stopped drinking, among so many other small changes in my life, I would have laughed at you. Yeah right. Not this girl. She doesn't take chances. Life was safe back then. Not the greatest or happiest, but safe. I finished the race 50 minutes faster then last year. Now that's progress. No? I'm still a little in shock, when my friend Mandy suggested we try to run the race in 4 hours I laughed at her, but as we crossed that finish line in 4 hours, 9 minutes, I started to believe in myself a little bit more. This is awesome! I can't wait for next years 30k. I'll actually get to train properly for it. Who knows where I will be then. I CAN'T WAIT!

The Dreaded Act Class

As I sat in night two of my Act class, I looked around wondering who would be back in here?  The likelyhood is pretty high, there are already 5 or 6 repeat offenders, some with their 3rd DUI.   ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Obviously, there is something very messed up going on here.  A girl I've met in class, who is there on her 3rd DUI charge, wearing an ankle bracelet, informed me that the last Act class she took, they weren't even required to stay, they just signed in and left.  Nice.  What a messed up system we have.  No wonder no one gets it..... Those were my thoughts from a few days ago, but now that I'm done, I do have to say, I got something from that class.  I now know that I have a problem.  After I based a judgement on a girl I didn't even know, who had multiple DUI's, I sat back and thought about my own life.  If I hadn't been lucky, I could have been on my fourth DUI by now.  That's how many times I was pulled over, before I got in trouble for it.  See what I mean about not learning my lesson?   The first time was late one night, or early one morning more like it, after being at the bars, and driving through Taco Bell (you know you've done it), I was pulled over by a cop as I drove the back road behind the UM campus.  As the  cop walked up to the window, a friend in the backseat, not so quietly said, "oh shit, breathalyzer!"  Jesus Christ "friend"  shut up!  lol  She knows who she is.....  and has struggled with many of the same alcohol related problems that I've been dealing with, and I'd say we are closer then ever.  The cop ended up letting me off the hook and telling us to walk back to our rooms.  We had lied and told him we lived in the dorms.  Whoops.  I think we ended up walking our one friend back to their room and then returning to the car thirty minutes later, just to get behind the wheel (still drunk) and drive home. I think the second time I was pulled over I was living at my parents house again (I may have been the first time), which means, I was underage....  All three of my prior "pull overs" where I should have been arrested, I wasn't even 21 yet....  This is what happens when you start drinking at the age of 15.  I even had strict parents, which may have made me more defiant, because I wanted to prove to everyone that I was as bad as they made me out to be, and more (because I got away with more...) So, the second time I get pulled over, I was about a half mile from the Pattee Canyon turn off when I saw that lights.  The cop ended up knowing my dad.  So, instead of arresting me, he thinks he's doing me a favor (which, actually, he was enabling me..... teaching me that I can get out of things) he takes me to the gas station and calls my parents.  It was embarrassing, but I can't say in either of these instances did I learn anything from it.  I never remember thinking, "I'll never drink and drive again."  Nope.  Never even crossed my mind. The third time, still underage, it was after bar time and I ran a stop sign.  I had just gotten my tongue pierced and I thought that if I chugged the bottle of mouth wash (alcohol based, I know....) before I rolled down my window.  The cop never even asked if I had been drinking, just gave me a ticket for running the sign and sent me on my drunk little way.  So I guess what I'm getting at.....  I had my chances.  I had many chances to never do this again, but I didn't learn.  I promise you, and myself even more, I've learned my lesson.  This last one was the lesson I needed to straighten myself out.  I obviously have a problem. I'm an alcoholic.  I'm not the kind who wakes up and needs a drink, although I've done it....  Hair of the dog anyone?  Who doesn't like a bloody mary or a mimosa (my all time favorite Vegas "poolside" drink)?  The scariest thing is admitting this to myself.  I am having a terrible time wrapping my head around the fact that I wont ever have another glass of wine on my deck or a beer with Mexican food.  That's an indicator that I have a problem right there.  I associate certain drinks with certain activities.  Beer to me = football, friday night happy hour, mexican food, a reward after a long run, concerts.....  Wine?  hmmm  I guess I would associate that with ladies night, a good meal and a way to wind down after work....  on the deck, of course.  It's hard to imagine not using my stemless wine glasses for what they are made for....  ever again.  But, at the same time, it's not something I want right now.  That's sort of a lie.  I say to myself I don't want it.  I even feel like it's the last thing I want, but that's because I know what the consequences could be if I did drink, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about it.  I do. I think about it ALL THE TIME.  Why is it, when there is something you can't have, you want it even more?   I think I explained what I learned from my Act class best when I wrote an e-mail to Eric on Wednesday night.  I'm just going to include it in the blog because I think it's very relevant... I wanted to tell you about class. For once, I got something out of it.  I learned quite a few things.  There are 4 phases to becoming an alcoholic.....  There are phases 1, 2 and 3, where each higher number phase = making more high risk choices, but most people can keep themselves in phase 1 or 2, where they can control their consumption of alcohol.  Phase 4 is where you can't control when you are going to lose control.....  There is way more to it, and I'll have the book with me tomorrow (we have to leave it at the end of class, but we get to take it tomorrow).  If you are a phase 4 drinker, the only way to avoid "incidents".....  you guessed it, abstinence....  and guess where this girl falls.......  Phase 4 :(  There was this list of 12 yes or no questions that we had to answer (again, I don't have the book....  but), I had answered yes to all but 2 of the questions, and I glanced over at the dude next to me, he had answered no to most of them.  Fuck.   Can I really be an alcoholic?   Could this really be happening to me at age thirty?  Do I really have to quit for the rest of my life??  My brain cant quite wrap itself around this concept, so for now we are going with the one year goal, (one month down...) and maybe by then I wont think about it, but I do right now.  I think about having a glass of wine, how nice it would be to just sit on the deck, it's not going to harm anyone if I'm at home, right?  Just that thought alone is a sign that I have a problem.  A phase 1 person can take it or leave it....  a phase 4 person looks forward to that drink, and gets upset when they can't have that.  I can't tell you how many times I'd be at a bar and forgotten my ID, and when they wouldn't serve me I'd get pissed off....  It shouldn't fucking matter....  I shouldn't care if I had a drink or not.  I shouldn't feel the need for it. I have beer in my fridge.  Just to prove to myself I don't need it.  A phase 1 2 or 3 person doesn't feel the need to prove anything to anyone.....  but a phase 4 person.... yep.  Just when I thought this class was a complete joke, I started to get it.  Wow.  After we figured out what phase we were at we had to answer a few questions.  How does it make you feel?  I feel sad.  I feel frustrated with this situation that I put MYSELF in.  I feel pathetic.  I feel like a failure to my family.  I feel a tiny little bit lost....  But all that being said, I feel hopeful.  I feel as if life can only get better from here on out, right?  I mean there is a reason that I'm figuring this out at a young age, and hopefully I wont be back in that class in my 60s.....  like a few folks in there. We watched some videos that interviewed real people who had killed friends, strangers, whoever, in drunk driving accidents and we had to talk about it afterwards.  I was SHOCKED by the amount of people in the class who had been in accidents more than once.  WHAT?  Are you kidding me?  There is proof right there that it could happen again, and that's what scares me the most.  There is a girl in my class who's (as she said) "love of her life" got in a drunk driving accident and died of hypothermia.  I think everyone there knows of people who have died in alcohol related crashes, and did any of us learn from that, NOPE.  More proof, that you have to learn from your own mistakes....  and some people don't learn.  It's sad, really. The truth will set me free.  I know in my heart that this is all true about myself, but it's painful...  The good news is.  I'd say 99.9% of the friends I have, I can socialize with outside of drinking, and would support me for not drinking.  The counselor was talking about how allot of alcoholics, when they sober up, have to get a whole new set of friends, so I feel blessed that I'm not THAT bad off.  Drunk Kristal just can't come out anymore.  She may seem fun in the beginning, but she's got a dark side so she wont be making it to the party,  sorry.  I doubt anyone will even notice she's gone.  You know why?  Because sober Kristal is pretty rad herself, and she's finding herself again.... That's another thing.  Something called State Dependency, when we drink, we learn certain things and then we only are good at these skills when we are drinking.  For instance, I'm pretty good at pool, when I'm drunk.  Sober....  nope.  I suck.  I was discussing this with Sam, she's un beatable at beer pong, when she's drunk, but not as good when she's sober.  When I asked her if she learned to play when she was drunk, she was like, "probably".  Allot of men learn to pick up women, when they are drunk, but when they are sober they are super shy and don't know how to talk to girls..... There's more that I learned about myself and even things that relate to the demise of my marriage, SO MUCH MORE, but unfortunately only those closest to me will be forced to listen to those things....  As for now, I'm glad that's done and over with.  I did learn quite a bit and I don't ever plan on being back there.  Tomorrow is a new day for me, a new beginning as I run my first race since my car accident.... Just barely one month later.  No matter the end result, I feel blessed that I am healthy and able to run the Blue Mountain 30k!  The greatest thing is, I can't remember a race I've ever ran where I haven't drank ANY alcohol for a full month before.  I'm the girl who can run a half marathon hungover....  Can you believe I used to be proud of that fact? Wish me luck! K

Path to my next race

In about a week, I will be running the Blue Mountain 30k. This is an important race to me, not only did I run it last year, and come in dead last, but it will be a great accomplishment for me after my 'close call' a month ago. The fact that I have come so far in just a few weeks, amazes me. I actually considered not running the race, but my friend Mandy said it would give me something to live for (lol, Jesus! She's a comedian....not really, but.) and Eric pointed out that I was in better shape then I was a year ago, regardless of the wreck....  They were both right. I need to do this run to prove to myself that I am moving forward. I feel like I am, but it's time for some evidence.  I set out on my last long training run today (15 miles) unsure about how I would feel when I got done. I still have aches and pains on my left side, which was the side where the car hit the ground. When I did a ten miler a few weeks ago, I noticed a new ache in my left knee, so I have been very careful. I know I wont be sure about any permanent damage from this wreck for years maybe, I am still picking glass out of my arm, believe it or not, but I figure since I haven't had anything too horrible happen yet, maybe I really did get lucky. Just this once. I know that I didn't deserve this and I wont take it for granted. There was a reason my life was spared, I'm just not sure why yet. It's hard not to question that, but I have faith that I will have an answer some day. So as I headed out the door, I did what I do for every run, I told myself that it was going to be the best run I had ever had. It's amazing how giving yourself positive reinforcement can give you exactly what you need for something to work out in your favor. I've been using this method for over a year, and yes, some runs are harder then others, but I've never regretted going. I did wake up with what I thought were allergies, stuffy nose, sore throat, so right before I left the house, I popped some Benadryl. I figured, when it set in, I'd be too far away from my house to turn around. Yep.  My legs felt like bricks at about 3 miles. Whoops. Well, lesson learned, I wont be doing that on race day. The route I took was heading from my house towards East Missoula, past where I wrecked my car, it's a nice reminder for me on a daily basis. At about mile 4, I hit the tracks and headed towards the Kim Williams trail. Don't worry, I don't run alone, I had my trusty partner, Shelby, the best German Shepard ever!  (well, my mom might say something about that....  lol) She makes me feel safe on all my runs. We continued down the Kim Williams trail to the base of Mount Sentinel. My halfway point. This is where I ran into an obstacle. I have a mental block that has kept me from being able to run the M trail. For some reason, maybe it's because I've hiked that trail more times then I could ever count, from the time I was first able to walk, so I've never been able to run it. I told myself today, that I was going to overcome this block. And I did. It wasn't even that hard, what the hell has my problem been? I don't know, and as a man who looked like he was 60, but was probably pushing 90 passed me, I thought, 'I want to be like him when I get older.' As he passed me, I stopped to let him go by and said, "man, you're kicking my ass." His response, "I'm trying to." and then he motioned for me to follow and try to keep up. Yeah. That didn't happen. lol. But he was inspiring, that's for sure. I made it past the M and headed down the fire line trail, again passed by someone else. When I get passed, I have to remind myself, that A: They probably just started their run, where I was nearly 9 miles into mine and B: When I pass someone it feels good, so let them pass me, let them feel good. I'm sure I passed 30 people on the M trail, so there! I can't beat everyone, that's fine, I'm slowly striving to get better. I doesn't help that I'm probably the most un-competitive person you will ever meet. Totally cool with coming in last. My run took me over three hours, which may seem slow to some people, but for me, I finished what I started and as I hobbled up the hill behind my parents house, I felt a sense of relief.   'Phew! I think I can run 18 miles next week.' I never allow myself to feel defeated during the run, but boy, looking back, that was hard. I only hope that today's run will make next weeks seem not so bad. I also need to remind myself that this time last year, the week before the 30k I hadn't ran more then 13 miles.....  I've made so much progress in a year!  Whoo Hoo!  No matter what the distance, I always have a point in my run where I am in a euphoric stage, and I can wrap my mind around my life. It's the best remedy when you have questions you can't seem to answer....  Go on a run. Stay tuned for my upcoming blogs! I start my court required Act classes this week! I'm sure it will be interesting.

Jail time served.....

Where do I even start? I guess the beginning. I'm not sure if I have already written about my "sentencing". When I went to court a few weeks ago to face my DUI charges, I was sentenced to one day in jail. GREAT. The receptionist informed me that is was no worse than, "big kid time out", whatever the hell that means.  I had to call the phone number they gave me, and make a "reservation" for my stay. I was informed that I had to go to the pre-release center, next to the jail, and it would cost me $75, cash.

What can I say. I wasn't looking forward to my day in jail. I had no idea what to expect. The guy on the phone told me I could bring a book, and they would supply me with clothing to wear. I'm not real sure what the whole point of this was, but I had to do it. Is it just me, or is this the first time you've EVER heard of this? I have friends with DUI's. Either no one talks about it, or this is a new thing..... OR it has something to do with the fact that I was in the hospital instead of jail the night of the accident. I don't know. What I do know, is when I was shamefully dropped off by my mother, since I have no car, and my bike tire went flat (that's another story), I was fighting back tears. This was humiliating.

So, I found my way to the pre-release center at 9 am, Wednesday morning, and hit the buzzer, notifying them that I was at the counter. Low and behold, it's a familiar face who appears before me. I have no idea his name, but I KNOW he went to school with me. One of those faces you've seen in the hallways of every school you ever went to since elementary....  this couldn't get much worse. He never said anything about me looking familiar. I still have my married name, so maybe he didn't recognize me. That's fine. I don't want to be recognized. He takes me up a flight of stairs and checks me in, asking me all sorts of ridiculous questions. 'Are you suicidal?' - um, if I was, I wouldn't be admitting to that. Then when he fingerprinted me, I managed to put my left thumb in the spot that said right thumb.....  I was nervous, okay? The most ridiculous part is the left thumb spot is on the left side of the paper, and the right side is on the right.....  I somehow managed to screw that one up. This is me in real life. I don't make this up!

After finagling with this fellow, he said "no" to the Ipad, but he did allow me to not only bring my book, but also a magazine, a notebook and a pen. Little did I know, there would be pens and pencils and a whole closet filled with magazines that dated back to 1995 and books with the covers ripped off. No one tells you about these added bonuses. Before I went into lock up, there was one more thing. My outfit. It was lovely. I had to change from my skinny jeans and tank top, to this beautiful ensemble of mustard yellow sweat pants, with the elastic around the bottoms, my absolute favorite (that's sarcasm) and a sweet matching t-shirt with "MDC - Missoula Detention Center" in large black letters across the back, just in case I tried to escape, there would be no mistaking where I belonged. 

I was escorted to a small room, actually it was fairly spacious, considering it had, two bunk beds, a metal closet and a table with four chairs. There was also an adjoining bathroom with a door. I had allowed my imagination to think the very worst, so I was picturing a barren room with beds and a toilet in the corner. You can thank the "prison" lifestyle, I've become a little to familiar with, for that one.... It was about the quality of a clean, but cheap, motel. I was informed that if I really needed to, I could get out, but only if there was a fire drill, and the door would be locked from the outside and only people with keys could get in. That's good news, because honestly, I don't trust any of these former criminals in the pre-release center. Sorry.  My familiar faced classmate shut the door, and I was left alone, for the next 24 hours.

Alone?!  I know, right? I guess at times this room could hold four people at once, and I don't know if that would have been a blessing or a curse. If they were people like me, I would have been entertained, but what if it had been some lunatic? I think I'm better off by myself..... So what did I do? Well, I spent the first two hours reading. My friend had suggested a book "A Stolen Life" by Jaycee D.....something, it's the autobiography of that girl who was kidnapped when she was 11 and held captive for 18 years. Incredible story.  Thank you Leslie and Sam for letting me borrow the book. It made me feel less sorry for myself. Life could be so much worse. At least that's what I was thinking until they brought me my lunch. P U K E. I'm sorry, but it's almost as if they INTENTIONALLY make it inedible. They bring your food on a tray, with a lid, so you get excited, because it smells kind of good, and I was starving since I was unsure about the bathroom situation, I didn't eat much that morning. I take the lid off to find a hoagie roll, that had been microwaved or something, since the bread was rock hard and inside it were these huge slices of roast beef....

"Excuse me, I ordered the vegetarian jailbird meal...."

On top of the meat was this lovely nacho cheese sauce, that even I wouldn't put on my nachos, and onions.  GROSS. To top it all off, they gave me Au Ju (spelling?) to dip it in.....  Probably to soften up the bread.  It was f'ing sick. There was also a concoction of broccoli, several types of bean and onions, french fries and a lovely spoonful of what looked like instant vanilla pudding, set right on top of my fries. Really? There was no effort in aim here. Thanks guys, that was delicious. I see why I had to pay you 75 dollars to sit in this room, so you could feed me shit. Did I tell you I was on a diet?  

Seriously. The excitement of my day was the disappointing meals they served me. After lunch, I took a nap, where I had this terrible nightmare that I ran over my dog. I was woken up (the first of many) by the jingling of keys opening the door to take away the remnants of my lunch. A little while later I was awoken again when someone came in with a clock. This was both good and bad. I was happy to know what time it was (12:30), great, only 20 1/2 more hours, but I soon took notice to the very loud ticking noise. If there is one thing I HATE, it's a clock with a loud second hand. Ask my mother, I'm pretty sure I have removed batteries out of her clocks more than once when I've slept at her house, usually forgetting to replace it in the morning. When I hear the clock ticking, it's the only thing I can focus on and pretty soon I can't even THINK. TICK TICK TICK TICK.

I did manage to fall asleep again, until about 3 and when I woke, I had an epiphany.....  I put the clock in the bathroom and shut the door.  Duh.  That only took four hours to figure out....  I finished my book around five, had another terrible meal, and sat around for the next few hours being bored out of my mind until it was finally dark out.  It was sort of a restless long night, and every time I fell asleep I'd be rudely woken up by the door opening and someone checking on me.  I'm not going anywhere people.....

Around 6 am they brought me breakfast.....  Another wasted meal.  It's like they went out of their way to overcook the eggs.  Yuck.  Is this where cooks go for their first job or something?  I don't get it.....  I finally got up around 8, took a quick shower and then sat around, waiting, and waiting.....  It was finally 9:05 when I got the courage to stick my head out the door and ask the guy at the desk if I could have my clothes back.  A woman came in a few minutes later, whoops, no one knew I was in here.  Awesome.  Someone knew i was there, because they brought me breakfast, but at that point I didn't even want to waste my breath even mentioning that.  Get me the hell out of here!

All in all, my 24 hour stay wasn't a waste.  I now know that I probably wouldn't make it in real jail, or prison for a long period of time and I honestly don't know how people do it.....  Another humbling experience to add to my list of things I never want to experience again.  Thanks, but no thanks.  I get it.  I've got it.  Wont be getting myself in that pickle again!

Life in the bike lane.....

Well, it's day four back in the "real world" and also day four of depending solely on my parents and my own bike to get my butt to and from work. I also received an "impromptu" ride home from a friend when I was straight up stranded.  :) Thank God for friends and family.

I am learning that I actually do enjoy riding my bike. I've spent the whole summer with intentions of riding my bike, but never giving myself enough time (I need forty minutes to get to work, plus a little time to change...), and now I don't have any other choice. The only thing that has bothered me, is my backpack isn't big enough to carry all the things that I think I "need" to bring with me to work AND it gets so heavy that my injured shoulder starts to hurt a little, so I need to work on that. I'm going to go look for some fancy little saddlebags for my road bike today when I get off of work. 

I'm also learning, that while riding your bike, not only do you need to be cautious of vehicles, but also other bikers who aren't paying attention. I was nearly taken out by someone who went from the sidewalk to the bike lane, without even looking. She knew I was behind her, and catching up, because she cut me off when she turned onto the street and then pedaled like hell until she got to the sidewalk. From the sidewalk, she crossed intersections without looking for cars and I witnessed her almost get hit by one. She decided to jump from the sidewalk to the bike lane when she encountered a pedestrian. YEP, didn't even look in my direction. Really? Oh well, I'm sure I scared the shit out of her when, not even a second after she nearly knocked me off the road (if I hadn't been paying attention), I passed her. That's right. I'm not the type to get road rage and give her a piece of my mind, although, CLEARLY someone needs to. I'm just hoping it surprised her enough to maybe think to look next time. Just because you are wearing a helmet doesn't necessarily mean you are safe.  

So besides feeling like I'm back in high school, I don't mind the bike riding. Catching the occasional ride from my parents, or my neighbors (that sounds more mature) isn't all that bad either. My dad has this great idea to buy this old Ambulance from a friend for $500 and letting me drive that around. AWESOME. Let's add insult to injury. Can you imagine? I would be mortified. He does have plans to convert the ambulance into a delivery van for our store, with one of those advertising wraps. I would gladly drive that, but the ambulance just sound embarrassing. Then again, it would be a constant reminder. This is what should happen when you do something stupid, you should have to be called out on it again and again. I do deserve to be recognized for acting like a moron. I get it. All I can do now is laugh about it, and hurdle these obstacles, then move on, right?

I finally had the pleasure to talk to the man who called 911 the night of my accident, Ted. He was up there because him and his girlfriend (wife?) had been driving on a nearby road, trying to see if they could see the fire in Bonner. Wow, I've never been so grateful for a forrest fire. If he hadn't driven by, I honestly do not know how long it would have been before someone else drove by. Talking to Ted sort of gave me some closure. I think he was as happy to talk to me as I was him and I have a feeling that wont be the last time I speak to him. I'm grateful for all the good things that have come into my life, especially since the car wreck. More good then bad has come from it. I have woken up every day so excited for life, just happy to be here. I now have the perfect excuse to ride my bike (at least until the snow falls) and all the other things that I use to stress over, just don't seem to matter that much any more. I know it will all work it's way out over time, I just need to be patient. I'm learning allot about patience these days.

Next week I start my ACT class AND I have my 24 hour stay in "jail". I'm sure I will have a story to tell when I get done with that..... Stay tuned to hear about my nearest obstacle......

Prison Visitation

This past weekend I went to visit the prisoner, aka, my boyfriend, Eric.  This was my fourth trip down there and the timing couldn't have been any better, considering what had happened to both him and I in the past week.  Eric was put in the hole last Tuesday (also known as the shoe or solitary confinement) and is now under investigation for "threatening another inmate", which according to him is completely untrue.  What can I say, I believe him, one hundred percent, in the 6 years he's been incarcerated he's never once been in trouble.  If there is one thing I'm learning, the federal prison system does some shady things.  Let me give you some background.  One of Eric's good friends turned himself in to the hole because of some stuff that was going down in the yard, and when he was asked why, apparently he said he felt threatened.  The thing is, he had no one to point his fingers at, no name to give when he was asked, so the guards or whoever makes these decisions pulled two guys off the yard, Eric and the driver of the other white "car" (it's long story - the whole "car" metaphor). The interesting thing about this is the "other driver" had absolutely no ties to the friend who put himself in the hole.  In fact, this fellow, Randy, left the prison yesterday because his sentence is almost up, he's headed to a camp for the rest of his time, so the fact that they pulled him off the yard, a week before his release, looks a little suspicious.  Why would they do that?  Why would they pull Eric?  Probably because they were such close friends.  We will never know.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have become closer friends with the wife Eric's friend.....  I don't know, but I've thought about it.  I've been warned not to talk to Eric, on the phone or through e-mail,  about who I know and who I associate myself with that has any involvement with prison.  It's messed up.  Why would it matter who I talked to when I came down to see him?  What's even more ridiculous is that once you are out of prison, you are to have no contact with anyone that you may have met while in there.  Messed up?  I think so.  Why are you not allowed to stay in touch with other people who had gone through the same torment as you?  You spend day in and day out with the same people, creating a friendship and trust over the years.  Part of me thinks this whole thing happened to split up Eric's group of friends.  It's messed up and just makes his time left more of a headache, but there is nothing anyone can do.  He's assuming he will be let out of the hole in the next week or so.  I guess there is a mandatory 7 days that you have to stay in the hole.....  I'm suppose to raise hell if he's not out in a week.  I'm scared. I hate calling the prison, but I'll do it if I have to. So, what do I now know about solitary confinement.  DISCLAIMER - I asked permission from the prisoner before I blogged about this.  Well, first and foremost, Eric SHARED a cell.  With none other, but the other "driver", Randy (I guess he's way up there in Hell's Angels rankings....  I ALMOST asked for his autograph).  I didn't get the exact dimensions, but it's a small room with two beds (bunks???  IDK!) a toilet and an open shower.  I guess the guys made a shower curtain out of a pencil and a sheet.  WHAT?  This is Macguyver stuff all the way, I'm telling you!  This stuff really happens?  Yep.  You heard it here first.  I also learned about "fishing".  You make a "fishing line" out of shredded sheets that you spin until you have a type of rope, then you tie that to a weight, which you make out of the bottom part of a toothpaste bottle, packed with soap.  Seriously.  I think my mouth was hanging open when Eric told me.  They have THE BEST IDEAS, those prisoners.  I am confident that Eric will always be useful in making the things we may need with the supplies we have handy, and yes, he says he can make a weapon out of nearly anything, not like he's had too, but he knows how......  This is a low security prison people. So, what did he fish for?  I guess you may want to know how they use it.  It's like the prison system is asking for these guys to do these things, because it just so happens that there is a gap under the door.  Eric explained this way better, but you shoot out your weight to whatever door you want it to go under, and they put things under the weight, and you "reel" it back in.  He got stamps, paper, magazines, I think he even mentioned coffee.  No big deal.  lol.  It's not funny, but you can't help but laugh.  I really do enjoy learning about these things, and you'd never know, unless you knew somebody on the inside.  That man has promised me that we can write a book when he gets out.  He's got some stories!   The first day of visit went relatively smooth.  Of course they had changed the way you went through security.  Now there is a number system, it's like going to the DMV, you draw a number.  The annoying thing is that they wait to put the little number machine out.  The first two days it wasn't too bad, it was day three when it turned into a shit-show, but we wont get into that right now.  It was a completely different group of security guards this time, and for once, the female guard was really sweet and nice.  Thank god.  I totally beeped when I went through security, but they didn't care THIS TIME.  See?  I don't like how the rules are constantly changing.  It's more than annoying.   Since Eric was in the hole, I had to wait longer for him to get there then normal.  It usually takes 5 minutes for the inmates to come out, and I waited an extra 20 minutes.  The other sad part about him being in the hole, is our visit is cut short by an hour and 15 minutes.  I'll take that, it's better then not seeing him at all.  They brought him through the front door, and he's cuffed, such a criminal.  It's ridiculous.  Like if he weren't cuffed, he'd fight off the guards and go somewhere OTHER then visitation.  I'm the highlight of his month, he wouldn't be heading anywhere else.  He's so   dangerous, watch out!  Actually, if I were a guard I'd be scared of that 6'5" 260 pound man too.  It's his size that's intimidating, nothing else.  He's a teddy bear, although he likes to refer to himself as a Grizzly bear.  I can't wait for him to find out I wrote that! HA!  Either bear aside, I was more excited than I have been in any past trip to see him, cuffs, no cuffs, khaki or todays apparel, all orange.  When I say all orange, I mean ALL ORANGE.  Orange jumpsuit, orange undershirt, orange socks, orange shoes (which I would totally sport, they were SLICK).  Why so much orange?  Just in case he broke free, there would never be any doubt that he was a prisoner.  "Well, you know that orange jumpsuit looks suspicious, but see, he's wearing orange shoes, he's got to be an escaped prisoner." We spent the day catching up, since we hadn't talked in two whole days!  Did I mention when you are in the hole you are only allowed one phone call per week?  No e-mails, only snail mail.  Two days is a long time for him and I to go without talking.  He filled me in on what the hell was going on, it's scary not knowing exactly what is happening.  Even though we talked on the phone Wednesday, he couldn't necessarily tell me everything.  Nothing like the being listened to during EVERY conversation we have, via phone or e-mails.  Constantly being watched.  I've gotten used to it.  Go ahead and listen, I've got nothing to hide, well, except those pills I smuggled in my bra.......  (that's a joke).  We didn't do much more then talk, and eat that terrible food in the vending machines.  People are starting to notice just how much Eric can put away.  He's like a garbage disposal, but when you are that big......  What he doesn't understand, is he doesn't need to split everything in half.  He keeps trying to share everything with me, he's funny.  I have to constantly remind him that I'm half his size. Eric's cellmate, Randy, also had a visitor this past weekend.  Turns out there was something messed up and the guards tried to segregate our visits.  When Chris (Randy's girlfriend) came into the visitation room, the guards told her that she would have to wait until 11 to visit Randy, and I would have to leave at 11.  I had not been informed of that, and honestly, it made no sense, they are cellmates, why would they have to be separated?  F'd up prison system.  Thank god for Chris, she raised hell and asked to talk to the Warden (didn't know you could do that, but apparently you can....) and within 5 minutes she had sorted out the mess, the whole time, Eric and I completely oblivious to what was going on.  I told Chris later, that if that had happened to me, my reaction would have been to cry, because THAT'S WHAT I DO..... I noticed that Randy had a braided pony tale with what looked like white ribbon woven in it and I asked Eric about that.  It was the elastic from his sock.  SERIOUSLY.  The things you wouldn't realize could come in handy..... I can't get enough about these things you can make, out of other things.  I love it.  I think I could publish a "prisoners craft book", it's a good idea..... I wont bore you with the details of my three days of visitation.  They went as smoothly as they could and solidified our relationship even further.  Something about this prisoner has got me memorized.  When I'm with him, the rest of the world shuts off, my mind feels clear.  I know if I could just bring his shoulder home with me, I'd finally get a good nights sleep :(  We talked about my accident and he told me how he could tell, when he'd call me and I had been drinking, which made me sad, I thought I was covering it up.  He said when that happened, he knew right off the bat that it was a wasted phone call, because he only got a part of the real Kristal....  And as I write this, on my flight home (which I nearly missed because I tried to outsmart my GPS......) I feel as good as I have in the past two weeks.  I don't know when I'll be back to see him, but I know I will see him again, and I know I will be the one there to pick him up when he finally gets out.  What I need to do now, is spend this time, out here, bettering myself.  I thought that's what I was doing, but I think I just got caught up in the excitement that having a few drinks gave me. Eric described it best when he said, "think how many good ideas you missed when you were numbing your brain."  I'm now on my quest to see my full potential, and I'm very excited to see where I go from here.  What now?  (LOVE THAT!)  I am getting the best advice from your comments people!  Keep them coming!

A new lease on life

A friend mentioned that in a message to me last week.  I definitely feel that way.  I feel like I have a clean slate, and my life will be, from here on out, what I make of it.  The crazy thing about this, it's always been my choice. I wish somebody had told me that sooner.  I wonder, why did I have to find this out the hard way?  This girl, who thought she was suicidal six months ago, with nothing left to look forward to, is now standing here thinking, "the last thing I want is to be dead."  It took a nearly fatal car wreck to realize this for myself. Sometimes I wonder if there is such thing as a past life.  Did I die in my past life and decide, 'for my next life, I want it to be a challenge.'  That's what it feel like.  Why else would I constantly do these things to myself?  It happens over and over again.  Constantly tripping myself and giving myself metaphorical "black eyes".  Why Why Why??? Not a question I'll ever be able to answer, I'm sure of that.  What I can do is move forward from here.  And as I type on my slightly unbalanced wireless keyboard, that managed to survive the wreck, but needs one corner cushioned by a napkin so it doesn't bounce while I type, I'm thinking, wow, I do think I am moving forward.  lol.  The only thing lost amongst the wreckage was an iphone that I was going to try switch my phone to.....  Sad day, but life can go on without an iphone.   My dad went back to the car last week to look at it again, and discovered a small bag of jewelry that I had stowed in the center console, in case of emergency.  How embarrassing is that?  I carried around all my good jewelry, most of it given to me by my ex over the years, just in case I needed fast cash while I had been on my road trip.  I felt totally busted and a little ashamed of myself for even considering selling "gifts".  Another low point.  Oh well. So where am I now?  I'm currently spending my last day in Arizona.  Trying to sort out my life before I jump back in.  This trip couldn't have been planned at any better time, considering.  The three day weekend visit with Eric went as good as it could have.  He gave me exactly what I needed.  Not only do I feel loved by him, but I feel like he is right here with me as I go through my struggles.  I told him what I hated was being alone at night because that's when I think about my wreck.  His response was that I was never alone when I was thinking about that, because he thought about it to.  Have I mentioned that I'm in love with this man?   He also lectured me in the kindest most loving way.  He said exactly what I needed to hear, and even put me in my place when I was making up excuses about how I wasn't an alcoholic.  I can't even explain it.  Everyone has been unusually nice to me about what happened.  My friends and family especially.  I don't feel like I deserve to be "let off so easily", but maybe everyone knows that I will beat myself about it, I don't need anyone else to do it.  What I did was stupid.  Probably, THE stupidest thing that I have ever done and will ever do.  I am both humbled and thankful that nothing worse happened, and I really hope this helps me become the best person I can be.  I have some definite goals now, the first and foremost one being, to get through these next six months, get my license back, and pay off my new debts.  Lucky me, but I do deserve these punishments.  They are small.  They really are.  It's nothing.  I now can see why people in Montana get multiple DUI's, it's a slap on the wrist, hardly more then a monetary punishment, and not much on that even.  Of course, I had to learn it the hard way, and that may be because I wouldn't have learned any other way.  I know it in my heart that this was the ONLY way for me to really learn my lesson. Lesson Learned PEOPLE!  You heard it first.  I will never drink and drive again.  I'll probably never speed again.  I'll most likely never drink again.  I'll hold myself accountable.  I've been really thinking about the things I've done when I've been drunk, and 99% of the things I regret, have happened after a few drinks.  I don't like that girl, so, I'm hoping she will just go away.  I think she's also attached to that rude voice in my head that tells me how terrible of a person I am.  For some reason I haven't heard from either of them in the past week.  Maybe they died in the wreckage??  It's all metaphorical, so don't take me as someone who is going insane, hearing voices.  Take me for an "average joe" just figuring out life, at 30.  This year has been an amazing trip, my world has literally been turned upside down and I'm ready to clean up this mess I've made. For those of you who are waiting for more juicy details of my prison visit. That's tomorrows blog :)

Survival Mode

That's what my friend called it.  She's exactly right.  Beyond the traumatic events surrounding last Saturday nights car accident, I do have other turmoil that I am dealing with.  Unfortunately, I cannot share with you the detailed events that lead up to how I'm currently feeling, let's just say, I'm back in Safford. For those of you who don't know what's going on, I suggest you scroll down to the beginning of my blogging (this past May) to get caught up, but the short story is, I'm visiting Eric, my prisoner. :)  Allot has happened in the past week, that involves him being put in solitary confinement, and I'm not even sure why he is in there, but I find myself questioning who I can trust.  That's the problem with being such an honest, trusting person I guess.  It's funny, because I lied all the time when I was in high school, and even kind of recently, but I can honestly say that I don't lie anymore.  In fact, I've been told that I'm a little too honest, to the point (those of you closest to me know this) that I can't keep a secret.  Even my girl Compton should know that....  and my sister, she manages to get the brunt of all my "lack of keeping secrets..." I'm working on this so called "imperfection", I guess I need to filter when the secret is important enough to not be shared and even sometimes determining if something that is told to me is suppose to be a secret, I mean, come on? We've all had that, right?  Someone tells us something without saying, "shhhhh it's a secret" and you don't know it is until you've told somebody else, and then SUDDENLY you're in trouble because you said something you shouldn't have.  Am I alone here?  I doubt it. Either way, what I'm trying to do is release some stress so I can sleep tonight.  Let's see, I'm now on night 7 with hardly any sleep.  I lay in bed with my "loratabbed" mind hard at work.  I think about Eric.  I dwell over the "what could have beens" involving my wreck.  I could be dead.  I could be deformed.  I could be headed to prison.  I could have ruined my families life.  I could be a completely different person because I was brain injured.  Could have could have could have. It could have been worse.  I know.  I am trying to let it go, trying to release this pain that I have caused on myself, but it's hard.  I know it hasn't hardly been a week, and these pretty severe ups and downs should be expected. That's where survival mode comes into play.  I called my dear friend Alecia in a bit of a panic, she knows the ins and outs of whats going on, and this most recent "thing" involving Eric has got me in a bit of a mind-mess, if you will.  I'm not sure how I would handle this, if I hadn't almost killed myself a week ago, so I think I'm handling it well, but I've become very paranoid.  Not good when there are other people involved, and I can't say much because they might read my blog and I don't want to offend anyone, any more then I already have.   It's hard, dealing with Eric being where he is, but I don't really have a choice here. I've been thinking allot about what would have happened if Eric hadn't stumbled into my life. This is how I play it out......  I may not have had the courage to admit my marriage was a failure, and since my divorce sort of fueled me to do positive things for myself, there are several people who wouldn't be in my life, I know I wouldn't have had the courage to be the one to reach out for their friendships.  The wreck probably, inevitably, would have happened, but instead of just pain for myself, I would have tortured myself over what I had done to Cody.  I've done it before in different situations, and that self sabotage may have quite honestly been the end for me.  I'm sure my wreck would have ended our marriage, so not only would I be going through the stress of my wreck, I'd be dealing with the pain that divorce causes to.  Let me just say this.  I am so happy I was strong enough to commit to my divorce when I did.  Sorry Cody :(  I know I've hurt him and his family in more ways then I can possibly count or make up for, but this is still my life.  Without this prisoner, who is haunting my dreams (in a good way), I wouldn't have overcome my first obstacle.  Without him, I wouldn't have propelled myself to reach out and ask a stranger if she wanted to go get coffee sometime, because I just had a feeling about her.  Turns out we strangely have allot in common.  She is now my closest friend and someone who I can confide in.  She has come to my rescue more then once and I only hope that I do the same for her.  She knows who she is.  And yet another friend to add to my "amazing friend" list.  How did I get so deserving and lucky?? Enough said.  It's mostly off my chest.  I know if I get out what I'm thinking, perhaps I'll be able to sleep tonight, without those scary night terrors I've been having.  I need to be strong tomorrow and well rested, so I can take whatever punches that may come my way.  Wish me luck.  I know I don't need it, I just have to stay in that positive mind that comes and goes, which is exactly where "survival mode" came from.  Right now I'm in survival mode.  I need to get through this time while Eric is where he is, and someday we can move on with our lives, together.  He is my 'Anchor to Sanity' (thank you sister and Alecia for those......)

???

I'm sitting here in Arizona.  I still have a few days before I see Eric, and it's honestly too hot to do anything outside.  I'm trying to wrap my brain around the fact that people actually chose to live here in the summer, but I suppose that's what others think about us crazies who spend the long winters in Montana.  It's currently 112 outside.   I have work to do.  I have plenty of things to keep me busy, but for some reason I have absolutely no motivation, and I don't understand why.  I feel lethargic.  I'm sore, I'm tired and I don't know what to do with myself.  This sucks.  I haven't worked out since my run last Saturday, so I know that's part of it, but I honestly don't know if my body is ready for that sort of torment :(, you should see the bruise that is finally showing up on my wrist.  I suppose it's just another reminder of what could have been. I do keep going back to the car accident.  I know there was more to learn from it, besides 'don't drink and drive'.  I did feel unusually great after it happened, probably because I was so grateful to be alive, and I still am grateful.  That date will forever be engrained as the first day of the rest of my life.  It could have been on my headstone....  I just wish I new the answer.  Where do I go from here?  I'm sure the appropriate doors will be opened at the right time, but is it too much to ask for a little guidance?  I guess I'm still struggling with where to even start? I'm sure Eric will have some answers, it's really amazing how calm and collected he can be about things.  I cannot wait to talk to him.  He did call yesterday, so at least I know that it's nothing serious, nothing that might affect his time, but I guess there is a chance that he might get moved, and if he does, he does.  I can live with that.  What I can't live with is not knowing what is going on. I just realized that I've been watching JCTV for the past hour.  No wonder I had no idea who these musicians were.  lol.  Can't say the music was too bad.....

Prison Update :) - This is really only for Andrea.......lol

Could it get any worse? Nah, probably not.  I hope.  But I suppose maybe.   I'm learning that there allot of things that you just don't talk about when it comes prison.  I found out that Eric was taken to the hole yesterday, and for those of you who don't know, it's solitary confinement.  I have no idea why he is in there, and I'm hoping it's nothing terrible, but it can't be good.  The bright side of all this, is I do get to still see him in just a few days.  I guess you can say that I'm really happy this all worked out, me getting in my wreck and him getting in trouble really couldn't have had better timing.  That sounds totally bad, but the fact that I already had this trip planned before either of these 'events' happened really amazes me. Let's just say he hadn't gotten in trouble, I came to visit and then he went to solitary confinement.  He's not allowed to email and he is only allowed one phone call per week.  He is allowed to write, but he is pretty bad about the whole snail mail thing, so I have no idea what to expect.  I do expect him to use his phone call to call his mother, but knowing him......  I'll be hearing from him.  Silly prisoner.  I just want to know what is going on.  I want to know what has led up to this, he isn't the only one in there and this has affected my friendships with several of the girls I've met, but that's only because none of us know what's happening, none of us want to get too involved and I'm pretty sure we are all frustrated and mad.  I'm starting to refer to this stuff as prison bullshit, because that is exactly what it is. Don't ever go to prison people, it's not all sunshine and rainbows.

So, I went to court today.

Would you believe me if I told you that I was the person in the worst situation? I was sure that I'd be in a room full of people with DUI's, people with similar stories, but nope. I'm awesome. (No, I'm really not.... I'm ashamed and embarrassed).

Surprisingly, it wasn't that bad. I sat in the courtroom for probably half an hour before the judge finally called me to the stand, where I immediately burst into tears. Shocking, I know, I'm such a hard ass normally, but for some reason I couldn't keep it in. He informed me that what I was about to go through would be much easier then the experience I had on Saturday. I ended up with a $700 fine PLUS the $20 seatbelt ticket, which, I was more then happy to pay for. I'm still stuck on the seatbelt thing, because I ALWAYS WEAR MY SEATBELT. I cannot express that enough. Not only do I always wear it, but my car does this really annoying beep when I'm not wearing it, so....??

Of course I have the ACT class that I have to go to, and I had to go to the jail for what they call "book and release", where basically I had to have my mugshot taken and be finger printed. That was an interesting experience, the officers were all very friendly. I feel like I wasn't their "typical" jail bird, especially on a Monday, in the middle of the afternoon. The deputy, of course, knew my father, as did the judge, so he was extra nice. Deputy Johnson was telling me how I wouldn't have wanted to be there Saturday night anyways, because of all the drunk people. lol I'm not sure if he didn't look at my ticket or what, but I just laughed. I did tell him that I was a bit of a "handful" on Saturday. I am very happy to now know that at least I look decent in my mugshot. I saw my reflection in the mirror Saturday night.... NOT PRETTY. Not even a little. Actually, it was quite scary.

I also get the pleasure of spending 24 hours in jail. The good news is, it's not real jail, it's a room with a couple bunk beds and I get to bring a book! I even get to set up a time when it's convenient to me. The receptionist at court referred to it as "big kid time-out". I'm not sure what the point of it is, but sounds like another experience I'll blog about. LUCKY YOU!!!!

All and all, today has been a bit of a blur. I'm still really tired and need to catch up on my sleep. I have now been bombarded with love and attention from my friends and family, which I greatly appreciate, but it's a little overwhelming all at once. I actually am shocked by the response. It's amazing. I know I'm lucky and I'm am so grateful that there are so many people out there that care, and even some who really do understand what I am going through.

I had some time before I had to go to court today, so I decided to go print the photos of my car real quick over at Kinko's. As I walked in, the familiar Kinko's employee said hello (I'm in there allot) and asked me if I had gotten a tattoo. I'm not sure this is the right approach, but I still am dealing with the verbal vomit that keeps deciding to come out of my mouth since the wreck, so I told him the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Too much information? Probably. That and I started to cry when I told him, but part of me wants to hold myself completely accountable for my actions, and one way is to be honest about what happened, whether the guy asked or not. He looked shocked. I told him that no, this was not a tattoo, in fact, it was from a car accident, a very bad accident that I had caused because I was driving drunk. I then proceeded to show him the photos.

This is where the story gets interesting. Kinko's man tells me that he was rear-ended by a drunk driver. He was driving down the interstate, going about 60 mph when he saw a car coming up behind him. He tried to get out of the way, but it was too late. The drunk driver was driving 85, and smashed into the back of his car. I asked if the driver died and he had. The saddest part was the guy driving drunk had his 3 children in the vehicle with him, They all died too.

That broke my heart. This poor innocent bystander. There was nothing he could have done to prevent this. He didn't even know the people, but can you imagine? What if I had killed somebody? What if I had killed one of my closest friends? My sister? A stranger? My dog. For some reason the idea of killing my dog is as bad for me as killing a baby. I don't know if I could live with myself if I had killed somebody. The idea of it is awful.

So that was my day. One step forward and another reminder that life could most definitely be worse. WAY worse.