Surrender

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become"

AND.... I'm back. Not that I was ever gone, but once again I have lost my way. This is a more hypothetical "lost", but for some reason I've written at least three blogs that I either, never finished, never posted or frankly went missing, so here I am trying again. I really want to make a habit of writing more, but I get stuck in this monotony where I don't think anyone would really care what is going on in my life. I am constantly reminded, that for some silly reason, people want to read what I write... so.... here goes a completely unplanned, unorganized blog.

Wish me luck.

My last two, unsuccessful, blogs were about how much I have been crying. For some reason I don't think I'm meant to talk about that too much, so I'm going to try another approach, even though I don't know what that approach might be yet. I had been questioning why I was getting so upset over certain things that were going on in my life involving "the ex". Whether I like it or not, I think I have emotions towards the reality of seeing him with another woman, he was a big part of my life for over ten years.... OR maybe it's the idea that he keeps blatanly lying to my face about things, which DRIVES ME ABSOLUTELY CRAZY. I think it's more the lying then the fact that he's with a woman. That's all I'm going to say on that subject, I "let it go" last week. I have to accept the things I cannot change. The only thing I really wish to change is the fact that I continue to cry over everything.... but that's me. I've always been a cryer, so if it bugs you when occasionally I sob in public, stop staring.

On to bigger and better things.

I woke up yesterday in what I like to call a "dark" mood. Maybe it was the weather.... Montana is now in a new season, I like to call it the beginning of "the very long winter", where it's cold as hell, and gloomy 5 out of the 7 days in a week, or more. Not exactly the happiest place to be, but here we are, for the next least 6 months. I at least have the prospect of going to visit Eric in Arizona soon, thank God, or I might go stir crazy. The weather man said that we have below average lows right now and it should continue through the entirety of our winter. Awesome. I can't wait. I have a hard enough time being happy when the sun is out... This is when I need to remind myself to go for a run.

I'm serious. No matter what mood I'm in, no matter how frustrated I am with my life or how things feel like they just aren't going my way, I go for a run and everything changes. I know I've said this before and I'm probably repeating myself, but I cannot express enough how important it is to find that one thing that will ALWAYS make you feel better. Eric has told me time and time again to go on a run when I'm complaining about hating life and he's right. Sometimes I don't even want to do it, but I've never regretted forcing myself to lace up my shoes and head outside. Rain, sun, snow and ice, life become simple once again.

I can breath!!!!!!!!!

This all comes back around to the idea of surrendering. I've been contemplating my upcoming tattoo that I want to get. My very first tattoo. My father has held it over my sister and I's head for years that he would take us out of the "will" if we were ever to get a tattoo. I respect him for making us think twice, when we were younger. Because of that man I do not have any ridiculous tattoos, and boy did I have some GOOD ideas back when I was eighteen. Thank God my dad had me convinced that I would never become anything in my life, so I'd have to depend on this "will"..... I'm done with that. I'm finished being bossed around and told what to do in every aspect of my life. He can be my "boss" at work, but as far as anything else.... sorry dad. I guess I am thirty... I suppose I should quit wanting my parents to pay for certain things, I am an adult, but I think a part of every parent/child relationship is for them to always pay for your meal.... right? :) I'm trying to be funny mom. I know you are reading this. I do love my parents. I'm just done with the "if you get a tattoo, you lose your inheritance" threat.

I've been very hesitant to get a tattoo (I know, I used my own free will, incredible, right?) but I had a friend, with tattoos, who mentioned how each tattoo he has reminds him of where he was in his life at the time. I like the idea of that and I really feel as if I've made some HUGE changes in my life. Don't worry, Bat-shit-crazy-Kristal isn't around, so she wont be getting a gigantic heart "tramp stamp" with Kristal + Eric = LOVE written across my back, although the thought has crossed my mind. Wouldn't that be a shocker? I'm not getting Eric's prison number tattooed on my inner arm, although the thought of that makes me laugh. It does sound kind of sexy, for like a moment, and then I think, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, who is this girl that has taken over my body??" What am I thinking? And why am I sharing this with god knows who? I guess to keep me honest. Honesty is the best policy.

I'm wandering. Okay. Surrender. Where was I? I have no idea.

At first I was thinking about getting the entire Serenity Prayer

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

-but I didn't like the idea that it's a very prevalent prayer in Alcoholics Anonymous. (side note) I'm refusing to admit that I'm an alcoholic, I don't like that title, okay, "I'm Kristal, and I can't hold my liquor" or "Hi, my name is Kristal and I'm a terrible drunk". Those are more fitting. Hey, I'm just being honest. I realized during my third AA meeting, when a very aggressive woman told me that I needed a sponsor AND I needed to attend 90 meetings in 90 days that I didn't have the problem everyone was trying to convince me that I had.

"My name is Kristal, and I make REALLY bad decisions when I drink." There's another one. These are more fitting, they really are. I did learn allot from the few meetings I attended, but that's not what this blog is about. So, back to the prayer that I liked. I started thinking about what I liked about the prayer. Accepting the things I cannot change. That is my new "mantra". Ask my sister. I've been annoying her with that & every-time I get frustrated with something you hear me say it, and it works! I swear! Or at least I want it to work, so it works. Either way, it works for me. Accepting the things that I cannot change has been HUGE, but as I thought about it, it's been more about me letting go of everything that I know, everything that I'm comfortable with and surrendering myself to let things happen, without reason and suddenly it all falls into place.

That's what happened to me last January. Little did I know, I was starting to surrender. I was in so much emotional pain that I no longer knew where to turn, so I stopped doing what I was doing and let it all go. I surrendered to the fear of the unknown. Now that I've done that, things are ever so slowly starting to happen the way they were supposed to, not how everyone else had planned. So, we will have to just wait and see if I actually get a tattoo in a few weeks. Right now I'm seriously thinking of getting this word, surrender, permanently placed somewhere on my body as a reminder of everything this year has meant to me, everything I've gone through and most of all, what I'm learning about myself. It's no one elses life and for now I'm not sure exactly where my path is headed, but it's a good feeling knowing that I'm at least going in the right direction. One step closer towards my destiny. ;)