Young, Wild and Free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, perhaps I'm none of these really, but I need to remind myself that this is always an option.  I guess I don't have the choice to become younger, but do I need to act my age?  I certainly am okay with not looking my age.  It's a flattering compliment that I've been getting more and more.  As I was getting ready in the locker room of my gym the other day, there were some high school girls chattering away.  I could see their reflections in the mirror behind my own and I thought to myself, "I'm glad to be me."  A good feeling.  Comfortable in my own skin?  Some days, but that's better than before.  I no longer look in the mirror and loath myself, and I give credit to some sort of inner growth I've accomplished this past year.  It will always be a work in progress.....  I just gotta keep moving forward.  Moving forward.

Maybe I've put my wild side to rest.  I think the drunkin Kristal with no limits to what she will or will not do is gone.  Dance on the bar, of course drunk Kristal would be all over that, sober Kristal, well, I guess it depends on my mood and how much you pay me.  I might still do some of the silly things that I did when I drank, and I see my shy sober self starting to peel away like a layer of dead skin.  I'm becoming the person I lost years ago.  I've always been an outgoing, outspoken, at times annoying to people, with a laugh that turns heads, but the more I drank and used drugs the more that girl that came out naturally suddenly became locked away until I had my next fix.  It's kind of bizarre to look back at myself and think, "did I really change that much from drinking?"  I would love to contradict myself and say, "no.....  none of that changed me."  But that would be me lying to myself.  My personality flat out changed over the years, where I only felt like I was "fun" when I had a few drinks in me.  Little did I know, I was just becoming an asshole.

Freedom.  So, I don't have total freedom.  I would really like to have some financial freedom, but I did dig myself a bit of a trench this last summer when I went on my 'I'm turning 30, and going a little insane, so let's go on a road trip and not care about money' three week adventure, but when I step back and look at the big picture, it's really all okay.  I have a home for god's sake, and thankfully my loan is for about half of what it's actually worth.  I'm luckier then I'd like to admit most days.  Todays one of those days where I will openly admit that, yes, I am blessed.  I was raised in a loving family, who is close.  I mean CLOSE.  Tell me of anyone else you know who lives next door to their parents AND works along side them.  I'm grateful for that.  Who knows what my life would be like if I didn't have such hard working parents.  They were able to support me when I went to college, they've helped me with my house, they even loaned me money so I could purchase "white falcon".  Without them, who knows.  I chose not to question that.  Family is important.

I'm thinking about my family with nervous anticipation to how the next few days are going to go....  I'm currently on a plane heading down to Arizona for the weekend.  Goodbye cold Montana, hello sunny 70 degree weather!  I have a friggin cold, but I have a feeling that as soon as I feel the warm air, I'll be magically healed, maybe not, but I'm hoping so.  My parents are picking me up from the airport and we are headed straight for Safford to see Eric.  You see, I still have my provisional license and I still am not supposed to be driving.  Boooooooooooo!!!!!  I feel like I'm 14 again and eagerly waiting for my 15th birthday so I can legally drive.  The good news is, my dad is only coming in on Sunday, for a short visit.  Then there is the bad news.  I'm left without a car, ten miles from town.  hmmmmmmmm.  How is this going to go?  I have no idea.  I had big dreams of making my workout for the weekend be a ten mile run from the prison back to the hotel, but now that I have a cold....  I dunno.  I might have to depend on the one and only cab service in the area named Hollywood Taxi.  I'm not sure what to think about that.

I guess we will just have to wait and see.  Either way, it's been way too long since my last visit.  I vow to never go this long again between seeing him.  I know this is teaching me patience and it's only been like eighty days since I saw him last.  It's just driving this girl nuts....