Survival Mode

That's what my friend called it.  She's exactly right.  Beyond the traumatic events surrounding last Saturday nights car accident, I do have other turmoil that I am dealing with.  Unfortunately, I cannot share with you the detailed events that lead up to how I'm currently feeling, let's just say, I'm back in Safford. For those of you who don't know what's going on, I suggest you scroll down to the beginning of my blogging (this past May) to get caught up, but the short story is, I'm visiting Eric, my prisoner. :)  Allot has happened in the past week, that involves him being put in solitary confinement, and I'm not even sure why he is in there, but I find myself questioning who I can trust.  That's the problem with being such an honest, trusting person I guess.  It's funny, because I lied all the time when I was in high school, and even kind of recently, but I can honestly say that I don't lie anymore.  In fact, I've been told that I'm a little too honest, to the point (those of you closest to me know this) that I can't keep a secret.  Even my girl Compton should know that....  and my sister, she manages to get the brunt of all my "lack of keeping secrets..." I'm working on this so called "imperfection", I guess I need to filter when the secret is important enough to not be shared and even sometimes determining if something that is told to me is suppose to be a secret, I mean, come on? We've all had that, right?  Someone tells us something without saying, "shhhhh it's a secret" and you don't know it is until you've told somebody else, and then SUDDENLY you're in trouble because you said something you shouldn't have.  Am I alone here?  I doubt it. Either way, what I'm trying to do is release some stress so I can sleep tonight.  Let's see, I'm now on night 7 with hardly any sleep.  I lay in bed with my "loratabbed" mind hard at work.  I think about Eric.  I dwell over the "what could have beens" involving my wreck.  I could be dead.  I could be deformed.  I could be headed to prison.  I could have ruined my families life.  I could be a completely different person because I was brain injured.  Could have could have could have. It could have been worse.  I know.  I am trying to let it go, trying to release this pain that I have caused on myself, but it's hard.  I know it hasn't hardly been a week, and these pretty severe ups and downs should be expected. That's where survival mode comes into play.  I called my dear friend Alecia in a bit of a panic, she knows the ins and outs of whats going on, and this most recent "thing" involving Eric has got me in a bit of a mind-mess, if you will.  I'm not sure how I would handle this, if I hadn't almost killed myself a week ago, so I think I'm handling it well, but I've become very paranoid.  Not good when there are other people involved, and I can't say much because they might read my blog and I don't want to offend anyone, any more then I already have.   It's hard, dealing with Eric being where he is, but I don't really have a choice here. I've been thinking allot about what would have happened if Eric hadn't stumbled into my life. This is how I play it out......  I may not have had the courage to admit my marriage was a failure, and since my divorce sort of fueled me to do positive things for myself, there are several people who wouldn't be in my life, I know I wouldn't have had the courage to be the one to reach out for their friendships.  The wreck probably, inevitably, would have happened, but instead of just pain for myself, I would have tortured myself over what I had done to Cody.  I've done it before in different situations, and that self sabotage may have quite honestly been the end for me.  I'm sure my wreck would have ended our marriage, so not only would I be going through the stress of my wreck, I'd be dealing with the pain that divorce causes to.  Let me just say this.  I am so happy I was strong enough to commit to my divorce when I did.  Sorry Cody :(  I know I've hurt him and his family in more ways then I can possibly count or make up for, but this is still my life.  Without this prisoner, who is haunting my dreams (in a good way), I wouldn't have overcome my first obstacle.  Without him, I wouldn't have propelled myself to reach out and ask a stranger if she wanted to go get coffee sometime, because I just had a feeling about her.  Turns out we strangely have allot in common.  She is now my closest friend and someone who I can confide in.  She has come to my rescue more then once and I only hope that I do the same for her.  She knows who she is.  And yet another friend to add to my "amazing friend" list.  How did I get so deserving and lucky?? Enough said.  It's mostly off my chest.  I know if I get out what I'm thinking, perhaps I'll be able to sleep tonight, without those scary night terrors I've been having.  I need to be strong tomorrow and well rested, so I can take whatever punches that may come my way.  Wish me luck.  I know I don't need it, I just have to stay in that positive mind that comes and goes, which is exactly where "survival mode" came from.  Right now I'm in survival mode.  I need to get through this time while Eric is where he is, and someday we can move on with our lives, together.  He is my 'Anchor to Sanity' (thank you sister and Alecia for those......)