That's how I see this. A clean slate. A year ago I was married, had finished school, working towards what I thought was my path in life, to eventually own our families business. I was also living in a brand new house with the typical setup, minus the kids, plus two cats and one dog. The perfect life. At least that was what I envisioned the perfect life to be, nearly ten years ago, in my early twenties, freshly married to my 'high school sweetheart'.
How could it be that I decided to willingly take the floor out from under myself? One year later, divorced, unsure about my job, do I even like it? Unsure about what I'm supposed to be doing. Unsure about this house that I built, right next door to my parents. Unsure if my hometown is where I'm even supposed to live. Is this what I wanted? I find myself happy, and when I'm happy, it's the happiest I have ever felt, but I also find myself, at times, spiraling out of control, down this deep endless pit of emotions. Anxiety, frustration, sadness, fear of deserving to be happy, fear of never being loved again, fear of being alone, fear of feeling beautiful and strong, fear of being independent. With so many fears, and the list is much much longer if I dwelled on it, it would be easy to run back to my life a year ago, and I've done that. I learned that this, most definitely, did not make me happy.
And where will this take me? That's what I'm about to find out. There's a whole story behind why I decided to take this so called 'journey' of mine in a few days, and it sort of started with Facebook. Sounds ridiculous? Yep. That's my life, completely and utterly absurd at times, totally irrational, irresponsible, and loving every minute of it. Among so many coincidences, which I'm sure I will slowly share with the rest of the world during this trip, I happen to be turning thirty in a little over a week. This trip revolves around the idea that my life plan, when I was twenty thinking about being thirty, has completely unravelled on itself and I'm taking a leap of faith into total darkness.
Okay, okay, a little bit of exaggerating, I do have a plan here. Those of you closest to me know exactly what I'm up too, a fun filled, much needed vacation from reality, with friends that I don't get to see often. Each and every one of them that I will be spending time with, I have at least one point in my life felt extremely close to. Maybe it was years ago, maybe we are at our closest now, but each and every one of them has been part of my life therefore, made me the person that I am. Unfortunately, that person is utterly confused right now and she hopes to get some clarity in the next few weeks.
There might be some of you reading this who don't know my whole story, so let me catch you up on the most surreal thing that has happened to me, ever in my life. I mentioned that Facebook had something to do with this whole trip. At the end of January, when I was pretty much at the end of my ropes with my marriage, I found somebody through Facebook. And old acquaintance, if you will, who had a common friend, Justin. Justin is part of my extended family. One of the many people my dad has met throughout his life and bonded with, that never went away. Justin needs to write a book about his life, he has had so many interesting things happen to him. He's even spent some time in prison, which is where this story starts. When Justin got out, he told me that he had met somebody that I knew while he was in there, and my response was, "I don't know anybody in prison!" Well I was wrong. He had met Eric.
Eric was someone who, let's say, I had a "brief moment" with years ago, when we were young and doing crazy things. I guess I had known he went to jail for something, but never gave it much thought to where he was, what he might be doing, or the fact that he might still be in prison. Justin never let me forget. He was always asking me if I knew where he was, and my answer had always been the same, "I have no idea." Until January. That's when his name popped up on my Facebook page. 'That's weird, I thought he was in prison,' so I added him as a friend. I was soon contacted by his friend who had put up the FB page for him and was told how to really get in touch with him. I guess you can say the rest is history....
Not really, there is more too it. I'll spare you the details, but, long story short, I'm heading down to see Eric. To visit him in prison. I cannot explain the bond that we have, and when I have tried, most people don't understand. You don't understand something like this unless you experience it yourself. This is just right. I honestly think I've found my soul mate. Crazy? Completely. I wont deny that, but I also wont let anyone tell me that what I am doing is wrong, or stupid or irrational, because you know what? It's completely irrational and I've never been happier. We've spent the past four months getting reacquainted through mostly e-mails and short phone-calls. I can't tell you how refreshing it is to have somebody to talk to, somebody who actually responds to what I have to say, somebody who listens to me, somebody who gives me advice & doesn't judge me on my decisions. He's also made me feel strong, independent and beautiful. With words. It's unbelievable and I can't quite grasp this situation that we are in, him in prison for probably the next four years while I'm out here, sorting out my own life. Honestly, it's the best circumstance I could have been put in because I'm not jumping from my marriage into another physical relationship. I'm giving myself time to heal, time to grow, time to become the strong, independent, beautiful woman that I deserve to be and that somebody else deserves to call their wife someday. That's the person I want to become, and I know that I am now on the right path.
I know this is an earful for my first entry, but I'm trying to get everyone caught up to speed. I've been obsessively writing Eric for the past four months and I'm now ready to share my story with my loved ones, because I think it's unique and something special. I want everyone to witness what I am going through. I'm hoping my own experiences helps each and every one of you, if you need the help. When I say help, I mean, that you understand that we all go through shit at times and we need to learn from it and prevail, becoming better people. We've only got one life and I'm tired of watching it pass me by. I'm taking a leap of faith here...... Four days until I see my prisoner for the first time in, I think, at least eight or nine years.
So, if you are still with me :) Please do me a favor. Don't pass judgement. I'm trying my best not to do that with others and if you feel as if I've done that to you, I am sorry, this is a work in progress. I love feedback, but if it's anything negative, I've already heard it, so please, spare me. I've gotten dozens of "he's using you for attention", "he's going to get tired of you," blah blah negativity, I've heard way worse. Yes, he's in prison. I've got it. Guess what? I'm a divorced 30 year old. GET OVER IT. Nobody's perfect. (this includes my spelling and grammar errors in the "nobody's perfect" zone :)
That's it. That's the very brief beginning of my story. More to come. I promise.
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