Rested....

AAHHHHHHHHHHH.

Finally, a peaceful nights sleep, WITHOUT any help from my friend, the sleeping pill. I can't remember the last time I've slept like that. Andrea said that I would. She was right....

So I know I'm driving everybody absolutely crazy. What happened during the last day of visit, right? Let's see. It was so long ago that I'm afraid that I will miss details.....

Refresher. Let's not forget what happened the night before. My new friends took me shopping and basically told me that what I had been wearing was "unacceptable" attire for a decent prison visit. Okay. They were making me nervous. Monday, Memorial day, I was wide awake at 3:30 a.m. Really? I remember laying there trying to go back to sleep. The thought actually crossed my mind that I should maybe try to go running, but I would have had to be done by 5, since I needed to be to their hotel room no later than 5:45 to have my hair curled. Oh God Oh God Oh God. I talked myself out of the run, but was out of bed by 4. I hopped in the shower, got myself ready, finished packing my car, and by a little past 5, I was good to go.

Since it was after 5, I knew the only decent coffee place in that little dinky town of Safford would be open. I headed down to Starbucks. I knew I would need some 'pick me up' since I had woken up so early. Got coffee for the three of us, checked out of my room and knocked on the ladies door probably around 5:40. I was a little early, that should be expected with me. I can be a little impatient, and I hate to be late. Once again, it was nice to be around some other girls. Wait, no, we are women. It was nice to be up early in the morning, getting ready to go see our guys, and being a little giggly. Sophia & Jennifer are women that I would never had met had it not been for our prisoners and I am grateful that I can now consider them friends. Terrific women, who can relate to what I am going through, give me advice, like the good places to get more quarters if the machine at the prison runs out. LOL Little details like that.

We finished getting ready, my hair becomes curly. They didn't even ask to mess with my face, which I guess I shouldn't have expected anyways, neither of them wear much makeup, which is nice, they go with their natural beauty, although Sophie has those fake eyelashes that intrigue the hell out of me. I want them. I think I'd probably look ridiculous. Yep. Just thinking about that makes me laugh. By now it's almost 7, so I hit the road so that we can save ourselves a good spot in the line. I may not have ever explained this. You have to line up outside. You want to be close to the front so you can get in with the first group. I don't even understand the people who get there late. You would think that if you traveled so far you would want to see whoever you were visiting for as long as you could. Right?? That's what I thought...

So, I get into line. That last day, there were a bunch of people in line early, so we were a little ways back. Our biggest concern was that the three of us wouldn't get in together. S & J insisted that they needed to see the look on Eric's face. I think they were more excited than me. I was nervous. I felt a little shy & ridiculous in my attire. Have I explained what I was wearing even? Let's start with the bottom up. Heels. My very own hooker heels for dwarves. 3" inch? Maybe 4", with a little platform. The are black, closed toe (no opened toe allowed in prison) & intimidating looking for me. Amazingly. I had no trouble walking them, or running. I am now on a mission for some taller ones, that are colorful.... "Jeggings" AKA tight ass fitting jeans. I had to squeeze myself into them. I'm pretty sure they were a size too small, my legs looked pretty good in them though. I don't mind admitting to that. I felt like I was "muffin topping" a little, which isn't something I am fond of, AT ALL, it doesn't feel good. The girls assured me that I looked fine... My top was this silky, black top with short sleeves, it had some color on it, I'm going to try to just upload a picture that Jennifer took so you can laugh at me (it's already posted on Facebook). I was also wearing my new fake engagement ring, a 'bling' ring that Sophia picked out for me, which I ended up with, it's awesome, some bangley necklace, earrings, and a bracelet. I was accessorized to the max. I felt a little overwhelmed, overdressed, "hoochied out".

By day three, you start getting familiar with some of the other visitors, so of course people are saying things about my outfit. I'm embarrassed. AAAAHHHHH. Poor Montana girl, doesn't know how to dress herself. I told Sophia and Jennifer it wasn't the fact that they wanted to dress me that upset me, it was the fact that this wasn't the first time somebody wanted to give me a makeover. It wasn't the second or third even. I've been 'redressed' by my friends my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. Do I need to be on an episode of "What Not To Wear"? Probably. Eric has told me he likes my style. So there. I'm sure nobody would have been impressed with my red converse high tops I had wanted to sport...... LOLMaybe I'm joking about owning shoes like that.....

Standing in line. So the scary guard pulls up (shoot, what's her name?), who's no longer intimidating, she is actually pretty nice. She gets out of her car and Jennifer goes over to chat with her. She asks if there is any way we could all get in together, and "explains" the situation. I feel like you've got to have balls to talk to a guard like that. I'm still a newby, I don't look her in the eye, I'm kind of scared that I will burst into flames if I do. She is compliant with the idea. Now, not only am I nervous about seeing Eric in my new outfit, I will have my friends staring at us, along with their husbands, who are in on the big secret. GREAT. Look at us. Look at us. The young lovers. Shit.

I'm nervous as hell as we walk in the building, fill out the form and wait. I messed up again on signing in. This time, I remembered Erics number but put my own name down where I should have put his. Duh. SOMEDAY I will get this right. Then, as I go through security, I beep. The security guard tells me to put my hands up, and I stick them straight up in the air like I'm being busted for something. I get laughed at. Of course. I know this, hands out, not up. I'm a dork. Oh well. It makes me laugh at myself, and I'm fine with making the security guard think I'm a complete idiot. That's great. There's no way he'd think that I had my lipgloss hidden in my bra.... I'd be too stupid to figure out to do that..... (More tricks of the trade from "my ladies" - when I say that, I mean S & J, not my boobs :).

When we get into the visitation room, Joe and Corey were in there before Eric. It's like the security guard wanted all of them in there so they could stare us down. I felt like I was going to vomit. How was it, on day 3, I was more nervous than day 1? It was the outfit. When Eric finally came out I couldn't tell if he was surprised or not. He said he was. Do I really look that different? I guess the guard walked passed the girls and said that I looked like a completely different person. I felt like Jennifer Lopez. Or a clone of my own Jennifer, who now reminds me of Jennifer Lopez. LOL Eric put that one in my brain. I can't hear a J-Lo song without thinking about her now :) I'm telling you, I have a thing with music.

Let's see, let's see. He loves my ridiculous outfit. It does make me a less awkward height next to him, which was kind of nice, not to feel so short. The rest of the day went about the same as the first few. He had me laughing my ass off pretty much the whole entire time. I love to laugh. That's exactly what I need. Somebody who can make me laugh. I did cry a little bit. I am sad that I wont see him for awhile, but I have a feeling it will never be as long as it was the first time. He's got me hooked. I'm addicted. For now, he gives me everything I need. Maybe not everything I want, but I'm working on myself still and I probably would forget about my focus if he were physically here all of the time. Still working on that path of "self discovery". He suggested I buy a body pillow to snuggle with. LOL.

I now have some ideas on how I'm going to make some more money, what I want to do. I have a few years to figure things out & if Eric and I are still together when he gets out, which I suspect we will be, we will go from there. He kept asking me if I would go to Utah with him, where his job is lined up, or stay in Missoula. I want to say I will be there, but I honestly do not know. What I do know, is, if we manage to make things work while he's in prison, what is going to be the problem with us being in two different states for awhile? At least he will be free, not behind a fence, he wont have to be searched every time he sees me. The thought of that makes me sad. I feel like we are all stripped of our dignity a little when we visit, like we aren't on an equal playing field as the guards. You have to respect them or you wont get your way, they will make your life hard. How is that fair? Why am I being punished? I don't have anything on my record, besides being completely naive about the whole situation. It's not my fault that my heart belongs to a felon. That was fate. I can't control my fate.

That's it in a nutshell. My visit with Eric. My mom was sure that I would be a wreck when I left him. I thought I would be too, but as Eric put it, "it wont be goodbye, it will be, see you soon." I know I will be back. I'm about to book flights right now for the fourth of July weekend. Three day weekends are the best. And now I have some friends to split some of the costs. We exchanged numbers in the parking lot and made plans for the next trip. I sat in my car for a moment, after they left, writing Eric an e-mail, telling him how I felt at that very moment, since I had been wondering how I would be feeling. I had this new found energy, excited about life, about the rest of my trip, about finally being able to look him in his hazel colored eyes (he's got this ring of blue around the outside of them, it's mesmerizing). Have you ever been excited to hear somebody else's heart beat? It was unreal. I cannot wait for our next visit. Yes I Can :).

Am I allowed to tell them about the wishbone? Probably not, but I don't care. It makes me smile. Eric has this scar on one of his hands. I want to say it's on the palm of his left hand. It looks like part of a wishbone. He said that he got the bigger half of the wish bone and he wished for me. Something like that. Come on. How can you not love that?!!??!?!? Something so sweet coming out of this 6'5", tough guys mouth. My god. He makes me melt. I've never had somebody look at me in the way that he does. I'm sure that some of you are saying, "yeah, it's because he's in prison and hasn't seen a woman, in real life, in years." Think what you want. I don't care.

As I drove down the Arizona highway, I had this new sense of self worth. I deserve to be happy. I know I will still be struggling with the judgements of others, but I now know that what I have is very real. I will wait for him. We will prove everybody wrong. I started laughing at the thought of what I looked like and grabbed my camera. I've been big into taking self portraits while I drive. I know it's not safe, but sometimes I just get the urge to take a photo for him. I take a picture of myself flipping off the camera. Picture this. Huge curls in may hair, huge buggy eyed sunglasses, jail nails, and a massive goody ring. Who is this girl? LOL

The Chameleon.....