“When you have a sense of your own identity and a vision of where you want to go in your life, you then have the basis for reaching out to the world and going after your dreams for a better life.” -- Stedmen Graham
So I've already broken my promise to myself, to write daily. I'm going to try not to give myself a guilt trip, because that's what I do. Due to my own self critical mind, yesterday started off with a guilt trip and went spiraling downhill from there.
I wish I knew exactly the moment where everything went south for the day, and maybe it was the night before, when I was reading old blogs from over a year ago. Actually, I think that's exactly what happened & when I was reading past posts, I couldn't believe how sad I sounded. So, after crying over the past, I fell asleep and woke up with a headache and a crick in my neck. No Bueno. Not only that, but my special someone woke up with a migraine, so neither of us was off to a good start. We said our goodbyes in a less then ordinary way, not as loving as usual, and that's when the guilt started to set in. This guilt, led to a depressed state of near comatose, where I actually continued to lay in bed for another 3 hours. Maybe I wouldn't have done that if I really needed to be somewhere. I had planned on meeting a friend for coffee, followed by some yoga, which I bailed on both and instead laid in my own misery until I was forced to get up at the last possible moment. Guilt Guilt Guilt. I know I do it to myself, I know it's happening and I know it's completely unreasonable, but my ego somehow thrives off of feeling sad.
Long story short, I sulked in my guilt all day until a friend called me out on it after work, by saying,"You're not happy," and that's when the tears started. Darn tears. Why am I crying? I have no idea. It's such a weird feeling when you really have no idea why you are upset. Either way, it's times like these that I'm so grateful for the people that surround me. I'm lucky and I know it. After toying with the idea that I had control over our evening festivities, I decided on pizza, river gawking and ice cream with my two best man friends.
While we were sitting by the river I realized that a tree was covered with salmon fly larva skeletons, which gave me the creeps, but as I think about it now I realize how it's a metaphor. How can a living thing change form so quickly? Yesterday I was a caterpillar, moving through life slowly, afraid of getting stepped on, and today I'm a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. So cliche, I know, but how weird of a realization. I feel great today. It's as if I had to go through whatever that was yesterday, some sort of loss of control, in order to find a little bit more balance today....
Tears or no tears, sulking in my own misery or not, Josh (my special man lover) brought to my attention that I keep dwelling on how I was feeling a year ago, and he's exactly right. I got so sucked into how I was feeling then, that I actually thought that it was "coming back" and it scared the hell out of me, when really, why would I feel like that right now? My life has been doing nothing but getting better this past year. My biggest obstacle now is my own mind, keeping it on track and reminding myself daily, not to dwell in the stormy past, but to soak up the sunshine that's coming my way.
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