Sunday, May 6, 2012

Pain Makes People Change


The things that we go through in our lives teach us lessons for the betterment of the rest of our lives, if we choose to learn from them. Pain makes us change, sometimes for good and sometimes the worse. In order to get over our addictions and faults in life we must endure pain most times to do so, but in the end, if we fight through the pain that we experience and don't cave, we will achieve the change in ourselves that we desire.
Do not be scared of pain, but instead, endure it. Do not let pain deter you from the course in life that you want to take. Remember that pain is necessary in life and in order to change who you are, you must experience some pain. Continue to push on, through pain and through the discomfort, never let pain make you stop, instead use it as motivation to keep pushing forward.   -Unknown

I haven't written in awhile.  I've completely lost my desire to write, and it's something I've always enjoyed, but I cant seem to form written words these days.  I feel like I'm uninteresting.  Who would want to read this?  I think I've been keeping a secret. I've been in denial for a long long time about a trait that I've inherited from both sides of the family and the only way to heal, in my mind, is to let it all out.

I'm depressed.

Who isn't, right?  That's what I've always told myself, you're no worse then anyone else, everyone has had a rough day.  But when you've been sad, do you think about the loaded gun that used to be under your bed or consider driving off of the road on purpose, because I do.  Recently, I was cleaning the bottom drawers out of my bathroom vanity, and I found a bottle of sleeping pills, which I immediately threw out.  I'll be honest, I'm afraid of what I'm capable of doing to myself.  What I do know, is that, no matter how bad it gets, the last thing I want is to die.  I figured that one out as I as hanging upside down in my car last summer.  I remind myself of that feeling often.

Before I go on, I just want anyone reading this to know, I don't expect a bunch of sympathy, I don't want to get some magic phone call from a long lost friend who suddenly "cares about my life". I've been blessed with having a supportive family and good friends, they know who they are.  I'm using this as a tool to help me heal.  While I'm directly talking to my audience, I'd also like to send out a plead to you, please set up a google account and "follow" me.  I do enjoy knowing who is reading this.  I get a large amount of feedback when I see people, and I'm often surprised.  There's a good chance that I will eventually make my blog "private", so this will make it so you can still view it, without any problems.  I want to make sure I'm not crazy....  I've had 10,000 page views in less then a year, could it just be spam?  I have no idea.  All I know, is my ego feeds off the fact that people are reading the crap that I write, and I thrive off of it, meaning, I'll want to write more.  So do you like hearing about my life?  Does it make you feel normal?  I think you get the point.

Okay, back to my overly depressing blog.

As most of you know, I use humor to avoid uncomfortable silences or awkwardness.  I don't know if it works, but it's always been what I do to make myself feel better.  That being said, this is why most of you never saw this coming.  I can't tell you the amount of pain I've been in, or for how long I've been in it even, because I don't even know the answer to that.  I started counseling last week, and what I'm discovering is that I've pushed down my pain for years, probably starting as a child, and it's all beginning to surface now.  It's a black tar in my chest, that I'm trying to permanently get rid of, so here goes.

I think it started to surface when I quit drinking 8 months ago.  Seriously.  I must have been using alcohol to numb the pain, but now that's gone, what do I have left?  Of course, running has been the way I've dealt with stress for the past 3 or 4 years, and now that has come to a sudden halt as well.  My body no longer has energy to deal with much exercise.  I had been aware that I wasn't feeling as awesome as I usually do, after a normal workout.  Over time, the intensity of my workouts got harder, the workouts got longer.  A four mile run, didn't cut it, it didn't give me the endorphin high that I'm now realizing I'm very much ADDICTED to.  6 miles wasn't enough, it was turning into 8, 9, 10 miles that I had to run in order to "feel normal".  A few months ago, I started noticing, that yes, I felt good when I finished (emotionally and mentally), but I was absolutely exhausted.  I'd spend the remainder of my day sitting on my couch and crying because I had no energy.  That seems counter productive, right?  So, I shortened my workouts.  Of course, I wasn't getting my "runners high" feeling at all, but I thought maybe I'd have more energy, NOPE.

I eat well.  I've paid attention to my body and I feed it what it craves.  Yes I drink lots of water, I eat red meat, plenty of protein, vegetables and fruit.  I thrive on the fact that I'm allowed to eat more carbs when I work out harder, but still, no energy.  I even started reading a book on the importance of vitamins and the essential nutrients that your body needs.  Ask my sister, I was a crazy pill taking fanatic for awhile.  It worked, for like a month, but the eventually, I was back where I started.  Lethargic, no energy, hating life.  It's like I've been running from something that has slowly been creeping up on me, and it's finally caught up.

Drum roll please......  I'm depressed.  Waaaaaa.

I also really enjoy crying in public (insert sarcastic tone here).  This year I've cried in my car, in grocery stores, alone on the airplane, in public restrooms, hallways of buildings, walking down the street, during runs even.  I've even started crying in front of people who are unaware that I "like" to cry, making them feel uncomfortable.  I've always been a leaky faucet, but this is getting intense.  I don't know where I'm going with the crying thing, and I feel like I need to make a point to this blog and finish it off before you get bored, so here it is....

I finally said,  "ENOUGH!"  I want to know what is happening here.  I'm ready to move on and make my life the greatest it can be.  My plans are this, I started therapy last week, which made me feel empowered and awesome, for about an hour, but that's progress, right?  I've completely cut exercise out of my routine until I get some serious blood work done, and that is all happening tomorrow.  Not exercising is taking a tole on my sanity and self esteem.  I feel like a fat ass everyday and obsessively weigh myself, but I don't think there is much I can do until I know what's wrong with me. When I was working out, I was taking 3 hour naps and sleeping for 10 hours at night, therefore, I wasn't getting anything done.  Exercise is at a temporary halt.  I keep telling myself that.  It's hard to put it on hold though, when you are an emotional eater.

 Before I really sign on to the "I'm depressed" band wagon, I want to make sure it's not just something completely silly, like low iron or a thyroid dysfunction.  Maybe I have mono.  I have no idea, but I think there might be something going on, on top of hating my life so bad I feel like ending it some days.  I don't need to be hospitalized.  I am rational enough to know that my thoughts, are just thoughts from that internal dialog that seems to think it's running my life, but it's not.  The good news is, I don't use drugs or drink any more, so hopefully this is my window of opportunity to help myself.  I do have a problem with being medicated for this illness, which I think is why I've been suffering for so long.  I keep trying to do everything on my own, in order to "fix this".  Exercise was always my way out of the pain, and right now, it's not an option, which freaks me out.  Therapy it is!

Within five minutes of talking to my new therapist, she mentioned that it sounded like I'm depressed.  What a horrible title, being depressed.  When you hear someone is depressed, don't you immediately feel sorry for them?  Their life is so bad that they can't hardly get out of bed in the morning.  Well I'll admit to you (and maybe this is why I have such a hard time believing that I'm depressed), on the outside, it doesn't look like I have anything to be sad about, right?  Life is good.  Bueno!  But no, there's something more to it.  I feel, if I don't resolve my inner problems, this deep dark pain I've got going on, I'll never be happy about anything.  That's hard for me to swallow, because, as you know, I'M A HAPPY PERSON!  You could run into me today, and I'd smile and act like everything is okay, because it is, but as soon as I'm alone, with time to myself, I go to a very dark place, where I hate myself, I self loath and pick apart all of the little bits of myself that I don't like.  I know I have good qualities, and I'm a good person, I'm relatively attractive, and in good shape.  Now I feel like I'm being vain.  See?  You are witnessing my inner dialogue coming out in written words as we speak.  This is what I'm dealing with, and I'm starting to get the feeling, I'm not the only one who has this issue.

This is so weird to me.  I haven't had the motivation to blog in almost two months, and suddenly I get the strength to do it.  Where did that come from?  My therapist asked me what it was that made me happy.  I was having a hard time figuring that out, and when I gave her an unsure answer, it had nothing to do with writing.  This morning, I was laying on the floor, waiting for my youtubed yoga class to "rebuff".  I stared at the smoke from the incense that I was burning, trying to will it to give me some sort of shape, some sort of insight to what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.  I honestly thought to myself, if I were high, I'd be seeing something right now.  Of course, there were no smoke signals, because that would be too easy, but as I laid there, trying to think about what really, truly makes me happy, it finally came to me, writing.  And here I am.

This isn't a cry out for help.  That happened already, that's why I'm in therapy, getting blood work done, seeing a doctor, and looking for signs in the smoke.  This is merely me, telling you, that I think we all go through similar problems.  Maybe your life is way better then mine, great.  Use this as a tool to boost your own ego.  But, maybe there are a few of you who are going through your own struggles.  I just want to let you know, you're not alone.

3 comments:

  1. Thanks Kristal. This is exactly what I needed this morning.

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  2. Kristal,

    I have suffered from deep depression since High school. (It is now known that I actually have schizo-affective disorder-bipolar type)It was the main reason that when I went to Sentinel I was in SLP. I still struggle with it as an adult and it has gotten worse than it was as a teenager. I have gone to great lengths to rid myself of it, even going as far as to undergo ECT this past fall in Spokane (ECT is Electro-convulsive therapy-yes, what they call "shock treatments) Its an inner battle that most people don't know I have unless you know me well. I am my own worst enemy and I speak such vile things to myself. Sometimes, I don't get out of bed. Sometimes, I eat myself into a proverbial coma. Sometimes, I imagine what it would be like to be gone forever and would anyone care? I have been hospitalized a total of 13 times since the age of 14. A couple of those times I actually tried to commit suicide.

    I don't want to sound preachy, because I don't know your beliefs and I don't want to sound pushy, but I do want to offer you hope. What I cling to is my belief in Jesus. (Now hear me out, I am not trying to turn this into a "look at me, I am a Christian" speech) I truly believe when you find something to believe in, something to drive you and something to be accountable to you can overcome this deeply troubling thing called depression. It can be anything-love, goals, anything. For me personally, though it is Jesus.

    I also find that blogging helps a ton. I stay motivated with my blogging because I make it my goal to write every day. I make it my goal to make connections to others. I find that when I make goals, and keep them, I feel better as well. I have made a couple posts on depression and mental illness on it of you want to check them out. http://savedbygrace82.blogspot.com

    One thing my depression has taught me is I am strong. I am strong enough to make it through another day and I am strong enough to share my story with others and get more self aware and get help when I need it.

    All that I have told you in this comment is not to make you feel sorry for me, but rather to let YOU know that you are not alone. We are all vulnerable to something.

    Love,
    Chrissie (Christine Tolhurst)

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    Replies
    1. Chrissie,

      Thank you for sharing your story. I have to be honest, after some time in AA, I decided that I'm a believer in some sort of greater power, but I wouldn't consider myself a Jesus fanatic. I do agree with you that finding something to believe in is important. To each there own, right? How ironic is it, that for me, admitting that I am depressed has always felt like a sign of weakness, but as soon as I acknowledged it, I felt suddenly stronger.

      Thanks again!

      Kristal

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