Small Victories

"Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time.  It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to now. Now is right on time."

 I may have posted that quote before, but it sits on my dresser where I can see it everyday.  I have it as a reminder that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.  There's no rush to get anywhere, I'll get there in time.

So, I suppose I should start this blog with my trip to the doctors office on Monday.  I have had a feeling, many times, that people are brought into my life for a specific reason.  Lately it's for the support that I need to get through this point in my life, which has turned into a deep hole that I cannot get out of, without some help.  I have found close friends in the most unusual ways, someone who I just had a feeling about, so I finally got the courage to ask her to go grab coffee, an unsuspecting friend of a friend, who needed a place to stay for a few months. You never know who might walk into your life, at the exact right time. There's also those people who you always felt a connection with, but maybe it wasn't the right time until now, or the classmate that you were never really friends with, but suddenly you are drawn together because you can relate to one another and understand each others pain.  There's many many more, and both my new therapist and Dr. Josh are no exception.  They're not just your average doctor or psychologist, they are the RIGHT ones for me.

I'm calling this doctor, Dr. Josh.  He's just too good looking and young to be called by his last name, but like that matters, I can't even remember his last name.  I knew going into the appointment that he was attractive, because my friend warned me to "shave my legs".  I'll admit, it's a little intimidating to go into an appointment, knowing you have the potential of breaking down in tears in front of a hot doctor.  Not the way I want to spend my emotional meltdown, but what other choice do I have?  I had to have an answer to my question.  I knew in my heart that I would be unable to move forward with my life if I ignored how I was feeling.  What is wrong with me?  Why am I so tired?  It must be something!  Right?  That's what I kept telling myself.....

After much anticipation, Dr. Josh comes in and introduces himself.  I'll be honest, he's good looking, but he's not my type. He's not much taller than me, with dark hair and skin (I'm starting to see why this certain friend thought he was so hot....).  I'm learning that I much prefer tall men, that weigh twice as much as me, with freckles, but that's just me, I like feeling small and I think freckles are cute, what can I say?  He sits down at his computer and looks at my wellness lab that I had done the Friday before as we talk about what's going on with me. I'd been feeling tired, unmotivated and lethargic at times.  This had been getting progressively worse when I had been exercising, I would be completely exhausted for the rest of the day and quite frankly, I was frustrated.  

So you all want to know what happened right?  I was SURE, completely confident, that it was one of several options; a thyroid malfunction, low iron, anemia, or low vitamin D.  Something with a title and an easy fix.  There was no doubt in my mind and actually, the last email I had received from my boyfriend had said something in the sense of, "are you going to be okay if you don't get the answer you are looking for?"  Sure, I thought to myself, because it will be some sort of "fixable" answer.  

Here it is!  Finally!  The diagnosis was, there was nothing physically wrong with me.  

Shit.

Doctor Josh thoroughly explained my results, everything looked normal, except for my iron, which was actually high because I don't have much of a menstrual cycle.  I know, this is probably too much information, I guess high iron is alright, but because I exercised so frequently, I had almost no period anymore, and that's not exactly good.  It was about this time that I started to feel it coming on, those dreaded tears.  For the few of you who haven't gotten the pleasure of witnessing it first hand, it all starts with a quivering of my lip as I try to stay strong and hold it all in.  There is no need to cry, and I am well aware of it.  I actually don't really care about crying in public anymore, I just hate how I look afterwords.  It's not pretty.  I call it my "cry face" (see photo from last weeks blog).  As the uncontrollable tears started to leak from my eye sockets,  Dr. Josh began asking me what was going on in my life.  I had no intention of giving him the details of my destructive behavior, this was not my idea of a doctors appointment, but I guess when you flat out tell them upfront, "people keep saying I'm depressed but I REFUSE to take medicine for it," they sometimes use a different approach.  So I told him, pretty much everything.  Somehow I keep leaving the part out where my boyfriend is in prison.  I think I try to protect him because I have had so many negative responses to it.  No one understands our connection but us, and that's fine.  Needless to say, I didn't mention him at all until the doctor asked if I was in a relationship.  BUSTED.  Poor Doctor Josh, it was like playing twenty questions, because I wasn't real sure what he was looking for.  I told him about the divorce, my car accident, not drinking.  What else did he want?  When I finally had it all laid out on the table for him, he told me that I had absolutely every reason to be feeling this way.

It's like in an instant, I was validated for my feelings and suddenly I didn't feel like there was something seriously wrong with me.  I think deep down inside I always knew that I'd been dealing with depression, maybe for far longer then I'm really ready to admit.  I needed to have evidence that it wasn't something else, and now I'm willing to accept it and to finally take the steps I need to destroy this dark cloud, hopefully, for good.

I've witnessed too many people deal with depression.  I'm tired of seeing drugs not working, or working half the time and I'm going to be proof that you do not need it. You'll see.  I've always been a firm believer that through healthy behaviors you can have a healthy mind and body.  I think my body was finally telling me to stop, because I was using running as a tool to keep years and years of underlying pain at a stand still, and I now need to deal with it in order to have that amazing life that I'm striving for.

Doctor Josh also gave me the confidence that I needed to believe that I can feel better.  He said if I decided to try meds, I'd have to deal with any side effects.  It may be a quicker fix, but not the only way.  He was happy to hear that I was in therapy, but said I should have probably been in therapy right after my car accident, I guess there's a good chance I've been dealing with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from it, which makes complete sense to why little tasks have been so freaking difficult.  I bounced back like I had scraped my knee when, in fact, I nearly killed myself, but somehow managed to walk away from it with barely a scratch.  My angels (I'm pretty sure they are my grandparents) were watching me that night, it was not my time to go.  I must have a purpose :)

I walked out of his office, all cry faced, but feeling very hopeful.  I think there was an internal sigh of relief, because I now recognize that I've been depressed, it's not some sort of silly iron deficiancy, and I'm now ready to face it whole heartedly.

I know I have allot of work cut out for me.  I still have had bad "moments" where my whole body goes numb and I get this overwhelming feeling that I'm not good enough, but honestly, ever since I let it all out last week, I generaly feel so much better.  Maybe it's the amount of support I now realize I have, or the fact that I now know of people who are going through the same exact "feelings" that I have had and it's completely normal.  I'm learning that depression is more real then I ever thought it to be, and is in NO way a sign of weakness.  I think acknowledging it is such a strength in itself.  I'm also starting to learn that much of my problems have been self induced.  There's allot of negative self talk that I've been doing pretty much my entire life, without ever realizing it.  Not good enough, I don't fit in, I'm not pretty enough.  I don't even like admitting to some of the things that I say to myself.  I think I carry allot of guilt.  I feel guilty for everything.  Anyone not notice that I apologize when it's not my fault?  I do that all the time.  

Today was a test for me.  I went for a mile run and had to torture myself with praise.  Normally I would say how a mile was NOTHING and never good enough, I was probably going to get fat from only running a mile, blah blah, negative, yuck. I actually felt WONDERFUL after my run, and I had a ton of energy.  I can't remember ever feeling that good after only running a mile, but if I can feel that awesome after just one mile, why would I ever run 20?  JUST KIDDING!  But for now, I'm toning it down, listening to my body and taking easy.  Dr. Josh's advice was to pay attention to how I'm feeling.  He said I'd feel better eventually, but I needed to have a little perspective, and it takes time.  He suggested, instead of focusing on how I wanted to feel tomorrow, I should focus on where I want to be in 6 months and everything else will fall into place.  He also told me that I'll have good days and bad days, and on the bad days, where I feel like staying in bed all day, I should just stay in bed, but to always remember that this feeling isn't forever.

Gosh, I feel like there is so much more that I want to share, but I know this is getting long, so I'm going to come to some sort of a closure here.  Thank YOU everyone who responded with emails, text messages, and phone calls.  I feel so loved and blessed to have such amazing people in my life.  I must be doing something right.

For now, I'm working on enjoying those little moments that make me feel happy, that bring me joy.  Being in bed at night, with my babies (aka two dogs and two cats - yes, usually all of them) snuggled close to me, having a significant other who completely supports my decision to kick this wall down in the way I feel will work for me and allowing me to cry to him on a near daily basis.  Today's big moments were assembling a closet system all by myself, and the fact that I went on a short run and didn't allow myself to feel guilty for not going farther.  These are all small victories for me and they help me move forward to the next hour, next day, next week, next month and hopefully, to the years to come.