So I'm sitting here trying to figure out why I'm not dead. Why have I been spared? What am I supposed to learn from this and how do I move forward from here?
Talk about being kicked while I'm down. The craziest thing is, I just kicked myself. Hard. It the face. With steal toed boots. I haven't figured out my own mind and why I constantly do things to sabotage my own happiness, but here we go again.
At approximately 11:00 p.m. last night, I officially hit what I've been calling "Rock Bottom". I've been wondering if I had already hit rock bottom, thinking that perhaps I hadn't and maybe something worse was about to come, but never in my life did I think anything like this could happen to me. I mean, really, the past 8 months of my life has been no slumber party. Divorced, turned 30, slowly going broke and the love of my life just happens to be in prison. What else, God? What else do you have for me. What sort of life lessons do I still need to learn before I can move forward and start filling up this metaphorical hole I've created. Let's be serious. It's no hole. It's a fucking trench, it's a crater, it's probably big enough to be filled with water and called a lake.
So, I'm driving home, highly intoxicated might I add. I might as well be honest, it doesn't pay to sugar-coat anything. I was drunk, I was wasted, I was also messing with my ipad while I drove, and speeding. I was also angry, so that probably didn't help, and as I came around the corner of the long dirt road home, I felt pretty care free, as I often do, when I drive home drunk, not worrying about anything, when I lost control on the gravel, started to fishtail, overcorrected, drove off the road, flipping my car, and hitting a tree.
And just like that, my life will be changed forever. It only took a second and suddenly, I'm in this surreal place, hanging what felt to me as upside down, with my music blaring, and with absolutely no idea what had just happened. I couldn't move, but I was fairly certain that I was still alive. Nothing felt broken, I was just "stuck". My hair was pinned between the headrest and the roof of my car. My car hit the tree right above the headrest, somehow missing my head completely, it was a miracle, but I wouldn't realize that until the next day.
So, I'm stuck. I start to panic. I start to cry. I start to wonder just how far off the road I was. Would somebody see me if they drove by or did I drive off in a place that was down in the gulley, where I could be left for dead? I had no one waiting for me at home, no one expecting a call saying I was safe. I had no one. I had no one. I had no one to worry about me. I had to do something about this. Somehow, somewhere I regrouped. I remember telling myself out loud that this was not how it was suppose to be. This is not how I was meant to die. I had not filled my life's purpose yet. This was not how it was going to end. I managed to get my hair loose, which if you ask my mom and sister, I was pulling a ton of loose hair off my head even today. Thank god I have a head full of hair, because you can't even tell. I was certain that I was going to have to pull parts of my scalp off to break free, and at that point, I didn't even care. Bring it. I don't mind having bald spots, as long as I'm not dead. I finally got to a point where I could move my head around, awesome, my neck isn't broken, that's good.
I somehow got myself oriented and turned around, so that I was now standing on the drivers side door, with my head up towards the passenger side. After going back and looking at the car today, I have no idea how I got myself turned around. I felt like it was an eternity, and I was about to re-group and figure out just what my next step would be to break free from this car-turned-death trap, when suddenly I saw a light. There was a man standing outside my window.
Oh, thank god. Thank you sweet baby Jesus.
He asked me if I was okay, and told me he was calling 911. I immediately begged him to call my parents, which he did. It wasn't but a few minutes later that there was an officer, with a hammer, breaking the windshield of my car to get to me. I think all the rescue people (police, emt's, and firefighters) were shocked to find me standing inside my car. Standing, and conscience.
I should be dead.
I didn't remember until I talked to one of the tow truck drivers today and he asked if I recalled the conversation I had had with one of the fire fighters. He had told me that I should be on that show "I shouldn't be alive." I guess I had some smart ass remark when he said that. How is it, that I could still have my sarcastic sense of humor after this terrible event?
The night was no where near being over. I was laid on the stretcher and given a neck brace before being put on the Ambulance. I became irate and started yelling at the EMT. Where were my parents? Why couldn't they ride in the back with me? The ceiling lights of the ambulance were hurting my eyes and I was covering them with my hand, but the EMT wouldn't have it. She kept calling me mam and telling me that if I didn't settle down she was going to have to restrain me. I swear to you, she was making me worse by the way she was treating me, but maybe not.
That's when the F bombs started dropping. F this, F that, F my life, I wish I were F'ing dead, I'm glad to be F'ing alive. F. F. F. F. F. F. What I didn't know at the time, was that there was a 16 year old ride along sitting right next to me. I hope I scared the crap out of him. I hope he NEVER does the stupid shit that I have done. It will save him allot of pain and grief. Poor Kid. F. F. F.
By midnight I was in a hospital bed. I'd say that was a pretty quick turn around for a drunk driving accident that could have gone terribly, terribly bad (worse, then it already was). I had to stay there for about three hours. I proceeded to get in an argument with the state trooper. He really got in my face and told me that I needed to calm down, and my response was that I was as calm as I could be, considering the traumatic event I just went through. I also told him that I didn't expect any sympathy, I knew what I had done had been wrong, but cut me a f'ing break.
The context of that conversation was probably a little different then that, but that's how I remember it. My mom keeps telling me that things I thought happened a certain way didn't happen that way at all..... I was drunk. Who knows. I do remember at one point, the officer told me that they would have to take me to jail. I asked my dad over and over again if he'd bail me out, and I got no response. Thanks dad. lol. Yeah, I wouldn't have bailed me out either. shit. Thank god it took so long at the hospital, the officer finally had to leave, but by golly, I will get my chance to spend the night in jail. I can't wait. Do I get to wear an orange jumpsuit?
I'm not putting any of this lightly. I'm just completely shocked that I am alive. I'm shocked that I have all my appendages, I'm shocked that I'm not brain dead, I'm shocked that I'm not paralyzed. I am a firm believer that a miracle of some sort happened last night. I was also told by the officer that I was not wearing a seat belt, which I became very argumentative about. I always wear a seatbelt. It was probably the lack of a seatbelt that saved this girls life. I know, right?
Look at the pictures and tell me. Should I have survived? How the HELL did I survive? Why am I deserving to live through this?
The first thing I did when I got home was e-mailed Eric. All I could think about was, what if something way worse had happened. Who would have contacted him? Who would have known how to contact him? What would that have done to him? I'm pretty sure I made him a promise, just this week, that I wouldn't die while he was in there, as long as he didn't die while he was in there. I think that conversation was brought up by the fact than one of the prisoners had a heart attack, and it made him think about how short life was. Coincidence? Maybe.
My sister called me this morning to see if I wanted to go running. I had to tell her what had happened. In my mind we had discussed not calling her because what was the point of worrying her if I was alright? She was very upset that we hadn't called her. I guess she had a sudden stomach ache at around the time I was being hauled in to the hospital, which I can only guess was her sixth sense at work. I felt like throwing up too. I can't imagine what could have happened or how this would have ruined so many peoples lives. Especially my own.
I know in my heart that this experience is going to make me a better person. I could look at the downside of things. I now have a huge hospital bill. I now have a DUI on my record, with court fees and classes to go with it, I now am carless and perhaps without a license. But I'm choosing the other road. I'm not dead. I'm not paralyzed. I'm not brain dead. I don't even have any broken bones. I'm going to do my best to stay on this road. I know it's going to be hard, but I'm learning that without these hardships, what reason would we have to appreciate life when it's good?
And as my friend Andrea pointed out, I now have something to blog about. I think her exact phrase was, "you said you wanted something interesting to happen in your life so you could blog about it, I really don't think this is the right way to go about it."
She's right.
I go to court tomorrow at 1:30. I'll be sure to let you know what happens.
K
So I'm sitting here trying to figure out why I'm not dead. Why have I been spared? What am I supposed to learn from this and how do I move forward from here?
Talk about being kicked while I'm down. The craziest thing is, I just kicked myself. Hard. It the face. With steal toed boots. I haven't figured out my own mind and why I constantly do things to sabotage my own happiness, but here we go again.
At approximately 11:00 p.m. last night, I officially hit what I've been calling "Rock Bottom". I've been wondering if I had already hit rock bottom, thinking that perhaps I hadn't and maybe something worse was about to come, but never in my life did I think anything like this could happen to me. I mean, really, the past 8 months of my life has been no slumber party. Divorced, turned 30, slowly going broke and the love of my life just happens to be in prison. What else, God? What else do you have for me. What sort of life lessons do I still need to learn before I can move forward and start filling up this metaphorical hole I've created. Let's be serious. It's no hole. It's a fucking trench, it's a crater, it's probably big enough to be filled with water and called a lake.
So, I'm driving home, highly intoxicated might I add. I might as well be honest, it doesn't pay to sugar-coat anything. I was drunk, I was wasted, I was also messing with my ipad while I drove, and speeding. I was also angry, so that probably didn't help, and as I came around the corner of the long dirt road home, I felt pretty care free, as I often do, when I drive home drunk, not worrying about anything, when I lost control on the gravel, started to fishtail, overcorrected, drove off the road, flipping my car, and hitting a tree.
And just like that, my life will be changed forever. It only took a second and suddenly, I'm in this surreal place, hanging what felt to me as upside down, with my music blaring, and with absolutely no idea what had just happened. I couldn't move, but I was fairly certain that I was still alive. Nothing felt broken, I was just "stuck". My hair was pinned between the headrest and the roof of my car. My car hit the tree right above the headrest, somehow missing my head completely, it was a miracle, but I wouldn't realize that until the next day.
So, I'm stuck. I start to panic. I start to cry. I start to wonder just how far off the road I was. Would somebody see me if they drove by or did I drive off in a place that was down in the gulley, where I could be left for dead? I had no one waiting for me at home, no one expecting a call saying I was safe. I had no one. I had no one. I had no one to worry about me. I had to do something about this. Somehow, somewhere I regrouped. I remember telling myself out loud that this was not how it was suppose to be. This is not how I was meant to die. I had not filled my life's purpose yet. This was not how it was going to end. I managed to get my hair loose, which if you ask my mom and sister, I was pulling a ton of loose hair off my head even today. Thank god I have a head full of hair, because you can't even tell. I was certain that I was going to have to pull parts of my scalp off to break free, and at that point, I didn't even care. Bring it. I don't mind having bald spots, as long as I'm not dead. I finally got to a point where I could move my head around, awesome, my neck isn't broken, that's good.
I somehow got myself oriented and turned around, so that I was now standing on the drivers side door, with my head up towards the passenger side. After going back and looking at the car today, I have no idea how I got myself turned around. I felt like it was an eternity, and I was about to re-group and figure out just what my next step would be to break free from this car-turned-death trap, when suddenly I saw a light. There was a man standing outside my window.
Oh, thank god. Thank you sweet baby Jesus.
He asked me if I was okay, and told me he was calling 911. I immediately begged him to call my parents, which he did. It wasn't but a few minutes later that there was an officer, with a hammer, breaking the windshield of my car to get to me. I think all the rescue people (police, emt's, and firefighters) were shocked to find me standing inside my car. Standing, and conscience.
I should be dead.
I didn't remember until I talked to one of the tow truck drivers today and he asked if I recalled the conversation I had had with one of the fire fighters. He had told me that I should be on that show "I shouldn't be alive." I guess I had some smart ass remark when he said that. How is it, that I could still have my sarcastic sense of humor after this terrible event?
The night was no where near being over. I was laid on the stretcher and given a neck brace before being put on the Ambulance. I became irate and started yelling at the EMT. Where were my parents? Why couldn't they ride in the back with me? The ceiling lights of the ambulance were hurting my eyes and I was covering them with my hand, but the EMT wouldn't have it. She kept calling me mam and telling me that if I didn't settle down she was going to have to restrain me. I swear to you, she was making me worse by the way she was treating me, but maybe not.
That's when the F bombs started dropping. F this, F that, F my life, I wish I were F'ing dead, I'm glad to be F'ing alive. F. F. F. F. F. F. What I didn't know at the time, was that there was a 16 year old ride along sitting right next to me. I hope I scared the crap out of him. I hope he NEVER does the stupid shit that I have done. It will save him allot of pain and grief. Poor Kid. F. F. F.
By midnight I was in a hospital bed. I'd say that was a pretty quick turn around for a drunk driving accident that could have gone terribly, terribly bad (worse, then it already was). I had to stay there for about three hours. I proceeded to get in an argument with the state trooper. He really got in my face and told me that I needed to calm down, and my response was that I was as calm as I could be, considering the traumatic event I just went through. I also told him that I didn't expect any sympathy, I knew what I had done had been wrong, but cut me a f'ing break.
The context of that conversation was probably a little different then that, but that's how I remember it. My mom keeps telling me that things I thought happened a certain way didn't happen that way at all..... I was drunk. Who knows. I do remember at one point, the officer told me that they would have to take me to jail. I asked my dad over and over again if he'd bail me out, and I got no response. Thanks dad. lol. Yeah, I wouldn't have bailed me out either. shit. Thank god it took so long at the hospital, the officer finally had to leave, but by golly, I will get my chance to spend the night in jail. I can't wait. Do I get to wear an orange jumpsuit?
I'm not putting any of this lightly. I'm just completely shocked that I am alive. I'm shocked that I have all my appendages, I'm shocked that I'm not brain dead, I'm shocked that I'm not paralyzed. I am a firm believer that a miracle of some sort happened last night. I was also told by the officer that I was not wearing a seat belt, which I became very argumentative about. I always wear a seatbelt. It was probably the lack of a seatbelt that saved this girls life. I know, right?
Look at the pictures and tell me. Should I have survived? How the HELL did I survive? Why am I deserving to live through this?
The first thing I did when I got home was e-mailed Eric. All I could think about was, what if something way worse had happened. Who would have contacted him? Who would have known how to contact him? What would that have done to him? I'm pretty sure I made him a promise, just this week, that I wouldn't die while he was in there, as long as he didn't die while he was in there. I think that conversation was brought up by the fact than one of the prisoners had a heart attack, and it made him think about how short life was. Coincidence? Maybe.
My sister called me this morning to see if I wanted to go running. I had to tell her what had happened. In my mind we had discussed not calling her because what was the point of worrying her if I was alright? She was very upset that we hadn't called her. I guess she had a sudden stomach ache at around the time I was being hauled in to the hospital, which I can only guess was her sixth sense at work. I felt like throwing up too. I can't imagine what could have happened or how this would have ruined so many peoples lives. Especially my own.
I know in my heart that this experience is going to make me a better person. I could look at the downside of things. I now have a huge hospital bill. I now have a DUI on my record, with court fees and classes to go with it, I now am carless and perhaps without a license. But I'm choosing the other road. I'm not dead. I'm not paralyzed. I'm not brain dead. I don't even have any broken bones. I'm going to do my best to stay on this road. I know it's going to be hard, but I'm learning that without these hardships, what reason would we have to appreciate life when it's good?
And as my friend Andrea pointed out, I now have something to blog about. I think her exact phrase was, "you said you wanted something interesting to happen in your life so you could blog about it, I really don't think this is the right way to go about it."
She's right.
I go to court tomorrow at 1:30. I'll be sure to let you know what happens.
K
No comments:
Post a Comment